Title: The Old Me
By: SharpShooter626
Pairing: Speed/Eric
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: Wow... not mine. Like anyone cares
Note: I'm bad with tenses, and well... try not to be too hard on me.
Note 2: Oh, and it's always in Speeds POV. Thank you.
Summary: Speed's POV. Lots of Speed Angst. Poor guy… No, he's not dead Will Eric be able to help him? Maybe...

***

I pressed my heated forehead against the cool metal of my locker. The whole room was empty and I was glad. I had such a bad day that it felt good to actually get some alone time.

Sighing, I pulled my head away from the locker door and looked around. I felt awful. Considering how quiet it was in here, I came to the quick conclusion that maybe I should stay for a little while. So, with less the perfect grace, I plopped down on the bench and spaced out.

I wasn't too sure how long it was before I heard the locker room door slam shut and a way too cheerful Eric came prancing in. He took a good look at me and grinned widely.

"How you doin' beautiful?" I knew it was a joke, but something inside me swelled. I tried to hide my expression as he turned away and opened his locker. "I'm serious, how are you?" I'm not sure what came over me, but I suddenly cursed Eric's cheerfulness.

"Fuck off" I said it to him like I was brushing a piece of hair off of my shoulder: With barely any emotion, and I almost instantly regretted it as I saw the sad look pass over his face. He looked back at his locker and started rummaging through all of his stuff and I just sat there, trying my best to think of something to say that'll make things better.

"I'm sorry, I just... I just had a bad day, that's all." I looked down, hoping that that was a good enough reason for what I said. He looked up and smiled lightly.

"It's okay, man. I get it. Everyone has a bad day once in a while. Hell, with this job I think you're crazy to not have bad days." I glanced back at him.

"I never see you have a bad day." It was true, sure, sometimes Eric would get pretty frustrated with something, but he'd never blow up on someone. He just wasn't like that.

"I have my bad days"

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I just don't let it show as much as you do" He chuckled and shut his locker. "Hey, wanna' go out? The night is still young, and you look like you could use a pick-me-up."

"Nah" I say it a little too quickly and hope to God he doesn't think anything of it.

"You sure? 'Cause I hate goin' out alone, you know?" He gave me those puppy dog eyes and I'm not even sure if he meant to.

"Yeah, I think I just need a good night sleep. See you in the morning." Eric nods and picks up his stuff.

"Bye" And with that he left, leaving a darkened locker room, and a broken man.

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The next day I found myself knocking on a suspect's door with H. Well, we weren't sure yet if we could consider him a suspect, we just needed to give him a little checking out, that's all.

H knocked for what seemed like his 15th time. We were having no luck and the hot Miami sun was bothering me a lot for then it usually does. I wiped the sweat of my forehead and leaned against the railing. Without really thinking about it, I glanced into the house and laughed a little.

"It appears our man fell asleep while watching a nice video." Horatio looked at me for a moment then looked into the window. His faced stayed passive as he laid his eyes upon the slightly overweight man sleeping soundly while a porno video played loudly on his tiny TV.

"Should we come back when he's a little... less occupied? I me-" I was cut off by a gasp from H. He ran to the door and kicked it down swiftly.

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Again, I pressed my seemingly on fire forehead against my locker. Another horrible day. Dead Porno Man, No Murder Weapon, No Suspects, and to top all that off, I feel like I just got hit by a- WHAM! The locker room door slammed shut.

"Three guesses who that is." Almost on cue, Eric came barreling into the aisle.

"Guess what!? Guess what!? Guess what!?" He cried out and leaped onto the bench.

"You brought Aspirin?" He shut his eyes and shook his head furiously.

"Why? Are you okay?" All the excitement in his voice seemed to just drain out of him with those words.

"I'm-" I stopped, stumbling backwards into the locker. Pain shot through every inch of my body and it took everything out of me to not scream in agony. Exhaustion overtaking me from no where, my knees buckled and I crumpled to the floor. The pain faded and my vision slowly cleared.

The whole ordeal, which felt like it lasted an excruciating hour or so really only lasted a mere few seconds. Those very precious seconds that it took Eric to get off that ass of his and to my side. He lifted me up and I gingerly leaned my back against the wall of lockers.

"What happened?" The words barely got out of my mouth before I started coughing. I couldn't stop, and it hurt. I shut my eyes trying to block everything out. Eric leaped up and ran at top speed out of the locker room, I was sure he was going to go get H, but I was wrong."

Coming back in just as fast as he left, but this time with a glass of water, he dropped to his knees and held it out for me. Finally able to stop coughing I drank the water. It felt so good going down my scratchy throat. I drank the rest of the glass and put it down gasping for air.

"Are you o-okay?" I slowly looked at the man next to me. Eric looked mortified. I guess that's how someone would look if there friend almost died in front of him.

"Uh huh." My voice sounded like a swallowed a razor, felt that way too. "I'm okay. I just... I think I should get home. I'm not really feeling that good." He looked at me, his eyes showing so much concern.

"Well then I'm driving you." He stood up and held his hand out for me. The way he said it left no debate. Maybe he didn't expect one. I don't know, but whatever it was, I wasn't about to challenge it.

I took his hand and he lifted me to my feet. My legs felt like Jell-O, and definitely not the good brand. I nearly fell back over, but before the relentless locker room floor could collide with my face, to strong arms wrapped around my waist and yanked me back up.

"Whoa, warn me before you do that." Eric's voice was gentle, made me even more tired then I felt, if that was possible. The whole walk to the car was a blur, though it took some time, I'm sure of it.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital, you look like hell." I shook my head and leaned it against the glass of Eric's car. I felt his warm hand touch my shoulder, and then pull away. I sure wish it would've stayed there. Maybe save me from reality.

***

When I woke up I had to blink my eyes a few times in order to see clearly. Even with the thick haze over my vision, I could still make out where I was, my house. Sure, getting there was no where in my memory, and I'm pretty sure that that's not a good thing, but me being there meant I'm safe.

I sat up ignoring the pounding pain in my head and took a quick glance around the room.

"I need an aspirin." I mumbled hoarsely. Coughing to clear my throat I stood up and took a few steps for the kitchen. Though, half way there I was forced to stop. I looked around my living room. Eerie green letters from my VCR glowed: 3:52am. Again my eyes traveled and eventually landed on a figure resting on my couch.

My breathing sped up as I picked up the closest thing to me, that being a coffee mug and I headed towards the couch. Times like these seemed to slow down, everything else was quiet. The only sound in the room was that of my ragged breathing.

'Why is there someone sleeping on my couch? Oh God, IS this my house? I could be in a rapist's house. Then why does it look so much like my home?' My mind was racing when I got my first glimpse of him. His face was covered by a pillow and he was snoring very lightly.

I lifted the mug above my head and was ready to throw it down when the person moved. Eric rolled over onto his back, eyes at first half open, then as wide as I've ever seen. He rolled off the couch with a tiny squeak. His body connected with my knees and right before I fell I remembered I was still holding that coffee mug.

We both crumpled to the floor. Cold coffee spilled all over us and the coffee mug hit Eric in the head. Maybe one day, we'd look back on this and laugh, but as for right now...

"COLD" Eric cried into my face, grabbing my shoulders, lifting me up, and shaking me. "Is this the thanks I get for bringing you home!? Oh, and by the way, you left your keys somewhere that was NOT in your pocket, so I kind of had to break into your house."

I shook myself free of Eric's grip and stood up.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were a ra-" I paused. 'Did I really want to say this?'

"Thought I was a what?" Eric stared me down, it was very uncomfortable.

"It's not important right now. Um, let's go get cleaned up, alright?" I held my hand out for him and could almost smile, our roles were reversed. Then, suddenly it hit me, everything that had happened that night, why Eric was at my house, and how I felt about him. My hand retracted just a fraction and I looked away.

"Are you alright?" I turned my head slightly towards him and bit my lip. He looked so concerned. He had no idea, I know because if he did he wouldn't be worried, he'd think I was a monster. He'll never know I think about him that way and I'll make sure of it.

"Tim?" Whoa, my first name, that doesn't happen too often. Eric stood up, without the use of my hand causing me to pull it back quickly, embarrassed. "What's wrong?"

"I uh, I need some air." Which was untrue, I needed something and it sure as hell wasn't air. I pushed past Eric and out the door. Once I got outside I stopped, realizing my foolishness. It only took seconds before Eric appeared directly behind me. He grabbed my hand and spun me around to face him.

"What's...?" He stopped, calming himself. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath then reopened them. "What's the matter with you?" His voice was gentle now, more relaxed though still filled with concern. Eric's anger and frustration may be gone, but mine was still there and rising. I felt so confused.

"Why do you have to do that!? Why do you have to be so nice?! Why do you have to always make me feel so..." I trailed off, cursing myself for my stupidity. Oh well, I couldn't stop now. No inner promise to myself will change that. "Why do you always have to touch me?" The question was simple enough, and yet that was the first time I asked it, to him or myself. For the past week Eric had been a little closer, though just far enough away.

He was obviously taken aback, his eyes showed it. He stammered quietly as if he didn't understand, I was quick though. I looked him straight in the eyes and moved my hands lightly. Those same very hands that were in a death grip by Eric.

Eric immediately pulled his hands back to him, blushing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize..." He looked down, almost like he was ashamed. Wait, something wasn't right hear. Isn't this conversation going the wrong way, almost backwards? Shouldn't he be the one yelling at me and me the one who is ashamed?

I wasn't sure what to say. An uncomfortable silence descended upon us that seemed to last for hours. Finally, I decided to talk but someone beat me to it and it wasn't who I thought it would be.

Eric's phone rang loud in the night and it caused him to jump almost three feet high. Once calmed enough he reached into his pocket and picked it up. Me, being barely two feet away couldn't help but listen.

"Delko. Yeah. I had-" He sighed loudly "some business to take care of. No. Why didn't you call Speed? Why, what happened? It's okay. I'll be there in ten" He hung up and looked at me anxiously.

I raised my eyebrows as if asking him to elaborate.

"That was H, he uh, he has a job for me."

"This late?"

"Yeah" He stared at me for a second and then did the unthinkable, he kissed me. It was quick but lingering. Before I could get a word in he was out of there, to his job, far away from me, and far away from what had just happened.

I stood there for a long while. I couldn't really bring myself to move. Eric liked me, it's not just me, and I'm not a monster. I smiled a genuine smile, something that hadn't passed on my face in a while. Needless to say, it felt pretty damn good.

***

I couldn't sleep that night, I was just too cheery. At around 5:30, I was just lying in bed, with a smile that a jackhammer probably couldn't get off my face, even though sometimes I thought about how awkward Eric and I's next meeting will be.

My alarm clock exploded in my ear causing me to leap out of bed. I slammed my hand down on the off button and got ready to go to work. This day was definitely going to be interesting.

I was in such a good mood that the painful ache in my left side barely distracted me from the day ahead.

The traffic wasn't so bad and I was at work in no time. I immediately set out in search of Eric but before I could find him, H stopped me.

"How're we coming on Jed?"

"Jed?" I lifted my eyebrows.

"Porno Man, Speed. He has a name you know?"

"OH! Sorry, H, I'm a little out there this morning. I don't know anything that you don't. I was just about to, well, actually... have you seen Delko?" Horatio cocked his head to the side.

"I called him around 3 this morning. He's on the job." H rushed through the sentence. "Listen" He put a hand on my shoulder and led me down the hall. "Is something wrong? Although your body is here, your mind is taking the morning off."

"Sorry." I looked down "I just wanted to talk to him." H sighed.

"You'll get to talk to him later. Right now, JED'S wife is coming in to answer some questions."

"He has a wife? Who would've wanted to ma-" I stopped myself and nodded to him. "Alright, let me just get some coffee."

I walked stiffly into the break room; apparently my jackhammer tolerant smile was easily wiped off with a small dose of Horatio and a dash of actual work. I poured myself some coffee and pulled out my cell phone. I had to talk to Eric, I couldn't help it.

"Hello" I had no idea who answered his phone, but I wasn't about to chicken out now.

"Uh, is Eric around?" I swallowed, a little worried of what this guy may say.

"Yeah, but he's kind of busy. I'd get him if I could. Sorry. Do you want me to take a message?"

"Just tell him Tim called, okay?" I sighed sadly

"Sure thing, man. Oh wait, here he is, hold on a sec." I was relieved. There was a little noise and then Eric's voice rang clear through the phone.

"Hey?" I smiled, I couldn't help it.

"Hey." Eric didn't answer at first, but then hesitantly said:

"I'm sorry about last night; I don't know what came over me."

"You don't have to apologize" I heard someone shout "Gator" in the background.

"I have to go!" Eric said frantically. "I'm sorry, we'll talk later." He didn't wait for a goodbye, he just hung up. I have to admit, I was a little worried, and a lot curious, but I knew Eric could take care of himself.

I walked to the coffee maker and stopped just short. Almost as if just now waking up, I realized how sick I felt. I coughed and again; to my surprise, it sounded awful. I thought what I had last night had been just a quick bug, a glitch in the system, so to speak.

Horatio's head popped into the room.

"She's here, Speed, and I have something I have to do so you're going to have to talk to her." I nodded and sighed, I felt so tired.

Getting my coffee, I went to join Mrs. Porno guy.

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After the interview, things just got worse. The day was dragging itself and it wasn't naturally in my power to correct it. The ache in my side was now a full fledge pain in the ass, not literally.

I entered the lounge and tiredly sat down on the couch. No one was in there; they were all off working, something I should be doing. I have to check out some fibers H found in the living room of Porno Man's house.
I closed my eyes, planning on just resting for a minute, but before I knew it, I was out.

I woke up when a sharp pain stabbed my chest. I coughed, trying to get it to go away and opened my eyes. I faltered and stopped coughing as I saw Eric in front of me. His gaze was gentle, concerned, even loving and I couldn't muster up anything to say.

"You okay?" Eric asked and sat down next to me. "Maybe you should go home, you know you're no good to H if you're sick." Still unable to say anything I merely nodded my head. "At least go and get checked out." Eric continued, "It could be something serious."

"It's probably just a cold or something." I commented, finally able to talk. Eric was not fazed though.

"So? Don't you want to make sure it's just a cold and not SOMETHING?" Eric drug out the word "something." Maybe he had a point, but I was stubborn and not even he could take that away from my long list of less then likable traits.

So, in the spirit of pissing people off, I just stared at him blankly. He stared back, though his eyes were severely less penetrating. He gave in first.

"Fine, you do what you want, but don't say I never tried to help." Eric looked like he was about to get up so I grabbed his arm. It was more of an impulse thing, something that took no thought what-so-ever.

"What happened when we were on the phone?" There were actually a few questions I had to ask Eric, that being one of them, but the other was different. I'm not really that sure why, but I still remember when Eric had come into the locker room saying "guess what!" I never did guess...

"'Gator." He said simply and tore his arm from my grip. Great, he was mad? What did I do? So, without a sideways glance, Eric left the room. It always hurt when he left, I felt so alone. Well, not for long.

Again, H's head popped into the room.

"You've been in here for an hour, Speed; I think you should get to work, now." Before I could answer, the older man left. What? Was he mad at me too?

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After 6 more hours of hell, it was time to go home. I was a little worried though, I thought that maybe something could happen between Eric and me, but him being angry at me certainly wasn't what I had in mind.

Home, it was a good thought. Bed, even better. I felt terrible and sleep sounded like heaven.

"When was the last time you ate?" I leaped back as if the devil decided to present itself into my personal space. No, not the devil... Eric.

"Delko, I can take care of myself, thank you." It sounded a shit load more haughty coming out of my mouth then it did in my head.

"I'm only trying to help, man. You look awful."

"Gee, thanks." I start walking again, but he follows.

"Oh come on. What's wrong with you? Is this about last night, 'cause I thought you didn't care?" Whoa, I seriously didn't want him bringing this into the conversation.

"It's not about that. I hate hospitals, I hate when people try to make me go to them, I hate when people think they have to worry about me, and I hate being sick." Eric stepped forcibly in front, stopping me. "Well if you're sick then don't come to work! Take a day off to get better, that way we don't have to deal with your bitch rants." Wow, I could tell Eric was surprised that he had said that because his eyes widened and his hand quickly went to his mouth. I was surprised too; it was a rare sight to have Eric yelling at you.

"Fine, Jesus, you don't have to scream at me." I moved past him and stalked off. I was just getting into the parking lot when Eric ran up to me again.

"What is it this time? Are you going to yell at me for walking too slow?" I'm mean.

"I'm sorry!" He blurted it out and again I stopped. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I'm worried about you."

"Yeah, I know, and I know you can't help it." I sighed. Bed was looking better yet. Eric sighed and avoided my eyes. "What?" I asked.

"Hmm?" He glanced up.

"You told me to "guess what" Eric grinned like a mad man as if he were just now coming to life before my eyes.

"One of my sisters is getting married." He said like a genuinely proud little brother should. I coughed, still feeling sick. "You go," Eric added quickly. "Get some rest." I wanted him to kiss me again, maybe not the best thought, but it was there and not going to leave quite yet. My problem though, was Eric was.

The younger man patted me on the shoulder and walked back into the building and I watched. Good things could never last forever. I had a bad feeling about the next day. Something was going to happen; maybe it'll be my fault, maybe it'll happen to me, who knows?

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I got to my house and threw my keys on the little table. My lock was long since fixed after Eric demolished it the night before, though something was amiss. I barely took two steps into my home before someone's arm wrapped itself chokingly around my neck and face; jammed a cloth to my mouth and nose. Blackness ebbed into my vision and my legs gave way.

***

Light brown eyes lay downcast, staring intently to the knocked over table in Speedle's apartment. People were talking, but the eyes never moved, never stopped. One place, one time, one spot, no moving, just table. I couldn't help but stare at him, stare at the table; like a never ending painting. We were all devastated by the news that Tim was missing. Of course I was suspicious when he hadn't shown up for work, but I never expected to see his home messed up and the door hanging open despite it's obvious emptiness. Eric seemed worse off though. The young man wasn't moving, deep in thought. I sighed, and started to turn, but then Eric talked.

"There are signs of a struggle, but I don't think there was one." I looked at him for an explanation. His eyes were still staring. "Most of the signs of a true struggle aren't here, just a bunch of random knocked over items. The clock is broken, why would that happen? It doesn't make any sense."

Eric was right.

"Whoever did this broke into Speed's home with only the intent of kidnapping. He wanted to be found out, that's why he left the door open and broke all these things."

"He's sick. Why would he want to be found?" I couldn't answer that.

"As of yet, we have no witnesses." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose feeling a headache coming on. I was worried, really worried.

Calleigh walked in, her face grim.

"There's nothing. I searched and I searched but I came up empty handed." She looked at Eric who was still looking at the table and then she looked to me. "I don't know what else to do."

"Yeah, I know, for a person that wants to be found, they sure are making it difficult."

88888888888888 SPEEDS POV AGAIN!

"Make a run for it!" Damn that little voice in my head, it was going to get me killed. It had been maybe 2-3 hours since I awoke in a small room, maybe a basement. The walls were moldy and wet and a window was no where in sight. I probably wouldn't have been able to see if not for the tiny light bulb hanging precariously from the ceiling.

A door was at the top of some rickety stairs but I found out long ago that it had been locked, double locked, maybe even triple. Far off from my normal strength I wasn't able to knock it down.

"Hell, I wouldn't be able to knock it down even if I wasn't so tired." Memory still a blur, I wasn't sure how I got here, so here's location was beyond me. One thing was for sure, I was the only person in the room. Talking to myself was becoming the thing to keep me occupied, or rather sane.

Again, my eyes wandered around the room and my mind took a trip back to the kiss with Eric. It was fun to think about something to brighten up my mood. I wasn't too scared; the fear wore off after the first hour. More time past and I began to dose off. Maybe a little sleep wouldn't hurt. After all, the person who took me hasn't killed me yet. I still felt sick from before, though not as bad.

"Maybe I am getting better. That'll be good, I nee-." I was cut off by the normally unmoving basement door's creak of life and the fear that had once diminished sprung back with vengeance. My heart was pounding so hard that it made me feel light-headed.

Despite my obvious discomfort, I leapt up, ready to face the oncoming danger. Gun, phone, and even my pager gone, there wasn't much to defend myself with.

"Now, now, calm yourself detective Speedle, we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." I was actually expecting to see a familiar face but was surprised to see a new one. I had figured it would be someone I put in jail, someone with a grudge, but the person in front of me was different. Burn marks were on the side of his face, well, at least I think they're burn marks, and for a man committing a huge crime, he sounded calm; eerily calm.

"Who are you?" I unconsciously backed up against the grimy wall.

"Why you know me. Well, not from before. More like from the news, pictures, and the "unsolved files" of Las Vegas." He chuckled and took a few steps forward.

"I don't know you." I stuttered, definitely not meaning to.

"My name is Paul Milander." A large mischievous smile spread wide across his face.

"Am I supposed to know you" I winced; that was stupid. Milander's smile quickly faded and before I knew it the space between us was cleared and a fist collided fiercely with my face. Slamming further into the wall I slid down holding the left side of my face.

"Don't worry, Tim, you'll know me soon enough. I'm not only going to hurt you yet but I will certainly make sure to hurt everyone you care about. I've been watching you, I know your secrets." Oh uh, that smile was back; it made me shiver violently. Or maybe it was the cold. I coughed.

"Aww, still sick." It wasn't a question.

"You did this!" He looked away for a moment and I felt my hands shaking.

"Just you wait; I'll make sure you can keep a good eye out on your friends. Oh! I have an idea! Why don't you choose who is first."

"What?" I spat and struggled to stand. Milander said nothing but left. Finally able to stand, I started to the door but before I got there, he was back; a small basket in his hands. He shook it around and held it out. Small pieces of paper littered it, I couldn't count.

"Pick one." I looked at him, disgusted. "Pick one or I'll kill them all!" He exploded at me, face red with anger. I reached in quickly, fearing whose name was going to be written. I was condemning someone. 'Better one then all' the voice in my head still didn't make me feel better.

Eric Delko

His name was written nicely, perfect cursive; red. Just like the blood that dripped from my lip as I bit down as hard as possible. Tears filled my eyes but I refused to let them fall.

"You bastard!" I ran at him, throwing my fists like cinder blocks. I didn't care about how much it hurt my hands every time they slammed painfully into Milander's face. I kept going until a shock ran up and down my body, numbing my extremities and clearing my vision.

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"I'm taking you off this case, all of you. Another team is going to be assigned it." I was ready for Eric's protest; I was surprised when Calleigh got there first.

"No way Horatio, we should be on this case." Her voice was final and I knew if I said fine then this was going to turn out bad. She knew I felt the same and she was exploiting it. I wanted to be on this case too.

"We have to find him." I turned to Calleigh. "Let's get him back." I was going to be in trouble for this. Looking to Erik, I sighed. He was sitting there, staring downwards. I wanted to talk to him but for once I was at a loss of words.

My phone rang, breaking the long silence and I answered immediately hoping it was good news about Tim.

"Horatio."

"You're going to have to see this." It was Detective John Hagen.

"What is it?"

"I told you, you have to see it."

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"Truck driver spotted it; thought it looked suspicious and called it in." I stared blankly at a sign, wooden, painted white, that said in big black letters "WHAT'S FIVE FOOT NINE AND ABOUT TO BE RED ALL OVER?" Under the sign lay Tim's cell phone, pager, and gun. My heart leapt into my throat. 'He's going to die.'

"That's strange though, Tim's not 5'9." Calleigh observed quietly behind me.

"I am." Eric added, walking up to us. I looked away from the sign and turned to him.

"Maybe Speed is 5'9." Calleigh said, panicking a little. Suddenly Tim's cell rang. I knelt down and picked it up. Before answering it, I looked to John, Calleigh, and Eric.

"Hello?" My voice shook, weakness showing. A man answered.

"In case you didn't figure out the answer, it starts with Eric and ends with Delko."

***