Title: The Other Side of the Mirror
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Spoilers for the S4 CSI: Miami episode "Nailed."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe or any of the other characters from CSI: Miami, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan drummed his fingers on the arm of the plush chair he was sitting in, not daring to look around him. He didn't want to be here; in fact, it was the very last place he would choose to be if he had his way about it, but he had promised Alexx he'd keep this appointment.

She was right, Ryan thought, involuntarily raising a hand to his left eye. His sight wasn't improving. It was getting worse. The pictures he'd taken at one of the crime scenes he'd been working had proved it; they were all badly out of focus.

They'd seemed perfectly focused when he was aiming the camera. He was sure of it. But after Calleigh had pointed out how badly focused they were, he'd been shocked; he had gone to Alexx and had her check his eye out as soon as he could.

Her advice had been to go to a specialist, and she'd made the appointment for him. There was no getting out of it; he'd given her his word, and he couldn't go back on that. He tried to never make promises he couldn't keep, and she was doing this for his own good.

He wanted to do whatever he could to regain his sight, to get it back to normal. But if his eyesight was getting worse, then he might not be able to work as a CSI any more -- and he couldn't deal with that thought. He couldn't lose his job. Not now.

It wasn't just that he needed this job. He loved it. He loved feeling that he was doing something to help people, something more than he'd been able to do when he was a cop on the streets. He was putting his degree to good use, too, and that meant a lot to him.

But it would all fall apart around him if his eyesight continued to get worse. Ryan knew that it was important for him to see this doctor, but he was terrified of what the man would say. He couldn't hold back the feeling that today was going to change his life forever.

Horatio wouldn't want him to leave the team, but he might not have a choice. Stetler would be only too glad to see the back of him, to force him out of his job and leave Horatio's team crippled and a man short. He couldn't let that happen.

Surely there was something that this doctor could do, some treatment that he could prescribe that would be doable while he was working. If he had to have eye surgery, there were more than likely procedures that could be done quickly, without him missing a lot of work.

The thought of what might happen made his stomach cramp; for a moment, Ryan thought that he was going to have to bolt for the bathroom and throw up. But he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, forcing back the nausea that his thoughts were making him feel.

He'd never been so terrified in his life as he was when he thought of having to give up this job. This place, these people, already meant so much to him. The team hadn't seemed to warm up to him at first, but now, he felt that they had, and he treasured the friends he'd made.

What would happen if he was forced to leave this job, if he could never be on this side of the glass again? What if he could only see the rest of the team from the other side of the mirror, always on the outside looking in, knowing that he couldn't go back?

Ryan's fingers had stopped drumming on the arm of the chair; now his nails had dug into the fabric, so much that he could have ripped it from the wood. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts.

There would probably be a lot of options, and he could consider each one. He wasn't going to be forced off the team; Horatio would see to that. He hadn't told his boss about the problems he was having, but he would. First thing in the morning, when he went to work.

He would let Horatio know, as calmly as he possibly could, that he was having some trouble with his eye, and he would tell the other man whatever the doctor told him. He was bound to have some options to go with; he would discuss them with Horatio.

He didn't have to be so worried about losing his job. That was an irrational fear; the man who had hired him wasn't going to let him go that quickly. He'd proven his worth to the team -- at least, he hoped that he had. He'd done his best, even if he hadn't always been perfect.

Ryan clenched his fists in his lap, trying to quell the urge to get up and walk out of the office -- and then run to his car and get as far away from here as possible. He couldn't do that. He had promised Alexx. And this was important for him, as well.

He had to find out just how bad things might have gotten, and he had to have them corrected, as soon as possible. If he didn't, then his eyesight might get worse -- and he could possibly lose it completely. Then he wouldn't be able to do much of anything.

His throat tightened at the thought. If that happened, then he truly would be on the other side of the mirror -- not just when it came to his job, but with everything in his life. He might as well not be alive if he lost his sight. He'd be completely helpless.

Ryan took another deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He wished they would call his name and he'd be able to see the doctor; sitting here thinking was just making him more and more nervous. It wasn't helping in any way. It was only scaring him more.

All he could do until they ushered him into the doctor's inner sanctum was to sit here and hope that things weren't too bad, that they hadn't gone so far that his eyesight couldn't be corrected. He had to stop thinking about the worst-case scenario, and be more positive.

For just a moment, Ryan wished that Alexx was here with him, then he firmly pushed the thought away. Alexx wasn't his mother -- and he wasn't a child who needed to have his hand held when he was scared. He was a grown man. He could handle this by himself.

Only the thought of possibly losing his eyesight for good was more frightening than anything he'd ever imagined. He needed someone here with him, someone who could give him the strength to walk into that office and find out what was wrong with him.

There was no one here. No one for him to depend on but himself. He'd been doing that for a long time -- and if he did end up on the other side of the mirror than he was on now, he would find a way to deal with it, and to go on. He always had.

"Mr. Wolfe." The nurse's voice rang through the room, and Ryan looked up, startled to hear his name. He had fallen so deeply into his thoughts that he hadn't realized she had called his name before, and that she was waiting for him with an expectant look on her face.

Getting to his feet, Ryan squared his shoulders, taking another deep breath as he followed the nurse through the door and down the corridor to the doctor's office. Now all he could do was hope that he would be told that his imagination was far worse than the reality he'd be facing.

***