Title: Reminders
By: ButterfliesForHer
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own them, if I did, I'd keep Catherine
Spoilers: Play With Fire, Season Three
POV: Catherine's
Summary: Post 'Play With Fire'. My take on why Catherine was so unfocused that she didn't follow procedure.

***

Greg groans and opens his eyes.

"What time is it?
"Late," I reply softly.
"How long have you been here?"
"A while..." I pause, and then continue, "I got a little time on my hands."
"You figured out what happened in the lab, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
I pull up a chair and sigh.
"Yeah, and, um ... I wanted you to hear it from me."

I take his hand, and from there, I explain about the unknown substance in the green jar from my case, and how I'd put it under the fume hood next to the hotplate. I explain that it was me who blew up the lab.

"I'm sorry," I finish. My eyes are filled with guilty tears. I've been so self-absorbed recently, and not just because of the reasons I gave the sheriff about why I didn't follow procedure. To my surprise, he squeezes my hand.

"I don't blame you Cath; you've got other things on your mind."
"But that's not a good enough excuse. I was so consumed in my own problems, I didn't think and ended up endangering your life."
"Catherine, you didn't realise you were doing anything actively dangerous. Anyway, onto more pressing subjects, have you talked to Sara?"

I can't believe it. I almost got him killed, yet he still cares about my happiness. Well, he's probably thinking more about Sara's, she is one of his best friends after all.

"No," I sigh. "She doesn't want to know."
He rolls his eyes in exasperation.
"How do you know if you haven't talked to her?"
"It's just the way she looks at me. She hates me."
Greg rolls his eyes again.

"For Christ's sake! Right, I'm going to tell you something Sara told me in confidence. She said she isn't angry, she got over that pretty quickly. She knows that there isn't really anything between you and Warrick, she just got panicky. The reason she hasn't approached you is because she's worried you're not in love with her anymore, and she wanted to give you an easy way out. I know you two have been going through a bad patch recently, but Sara's such an insecure person underneath it all, the littlest things are going to trigger it."

My eyes have filled with tears again.
"She really thinks I don't love her?"
"Yes Catherine, she does."

"But the reason I got so angry is because I love her. I'd do anything for her, and she just doesn't trust me. She knows me well enough to know that if anything were to happen with me and Warrick, it would have happened long ago. She should also know that I'm with her because I want to be, and that if I didn't want to be, I'd tell her."

"But it's Sara. Her insecurities don't allow her to think rationally about certain things. I'm tired Cath. Go find Sara and sort it out."
He's right
"Thanks Greggo. I'll come see you tomorrow." I lean down and give him a quick kiss on the forehead. He grins.
"Can't have you being preoccupied and blowing up anything else now, can we?"

I laugh and wave at him as I pull the door closed behind me.

***

After looking around the lab for Sara, someone tells me they last saw her going into Grissom's office. I hear them talking and wait just outside. I can hear their conversation, but as the office door is open, I assume its nothing personal.

"You should be on paid leave."
What's he on about? The explosion? She seems fine.
" I'm fine."
Told you.
"You were fortunate. And I'm not talking about the explosion."
 Oh.
"You, uh, you talked to Brass?"
"And Nick."
He sounds pissed. What the hell has she done?
"We got the guy."
Something to do with her case I guess. Silly Sara. Sometimes she just jumps straight in without thinking.
"Is that all you have to say?"
Now he sounds even more pissed off.
"Would you like to have dinner with me?"
What? I freeze. Did she just say what I think she said? Maybe she just means it in a platonic sort of way. They are friends after all.
"No."
Despite the fact he's just turned her down, I don't feel very comforted.
"Why not? Let's ... let's have dinner. Let's see what happens."
Any hope I had at all seeps away after I hear her say this. She insisted she didn't have a thing for Gil anymore, but clearly she still does. So that's what it was all about. She didn't care whether I was still in love with her or not, she just wanted a clear conscience for when she asked out Gil. I turn around to leave, feeling completely numb. As I walk away, I
hear Gil speak again.
"Sara...I don't know what to do about this."

It doesn't matter whether he's turned her down or not, because she wants him, not me. All this time, she's wanted him. I was just a distraction while she found the courage to ask him out. I leave the lab and walk out into the humid. It's started to rain since I was last outside. I'm glad. I lean against my car, and soon my face is soaked, not just with rain, but with tears. I cry harder when I see Sara walk out of the lab. She runs across the parking lot to her car I don't think she can see me as its dark and she isn't looking in my direction. I turn my face up towards the sky and cry harder. I really thought she loved me. The rain is freezing, and it numbs my skin. The numbness inside has gone now and been replaced by pain. Raindrops dash my face, but I stand there and let the tears fall. I'm shivering from the cold, but I can't really feel it.

"Catherine? Cath? Baby, what's wrong?"

Sara appears in front of me.

"Catherine? Where are your car keys?"

Wordlessly, I hand them to her. She opens the car quickly, and pushes me into the passenger seat. I continue to cry, burying my head in my arms.
Sara gets into the drivers seat and switches the engine on. She turns the heating up, by now I'm soaking wet and my teeth are chattering as I sob
She puts her hand on my shoulder but I jerk away, my face still hidden

"Cath, what's going on, please tell me."

She's never seen me cry before. She's broken down in front of me and I'd always be there for her. I've always been the strong one out of the two of us. Up until now. And she's made me weak.

"Baby, talk to me. Is it about us?"

I raise my head and meet her eyes. There's concern in her eyes and I think I see love. Hold on, of course I don't see love, or if I do, it's not love for me. With this thought I look away and cry harder. Eventually I manage speak.

"I heard you talking to Gil."
She breathes in sharply.
"What did you hear?"
"Enough."
I'm no longer sobbing, but tears are still dripping down my cheeks. The horrible thing is, I love her so much, I can't even be angry with her.
She leans back.
"I can explain."
"You don't have to Sara. I just wish you'd admitted you were still in love with him earlier on in our relationship so I could have ended it before I fell in love with you."
She laughs mirthlessly.
"Oddly enough Catherine, the conversation I had with him just now happened because I'm in love with you, not because I'm love with Grissom."
I shake my head disbelievingly. Why can't she just admit it?
"Cath."
She takes hold of my hand, and I begin to sob again.
"Baby, please listen to me. Catherine..."
She sounds tearful now. I look at her for a moment, then lift her hand and hold it against my chest, so she can feel my heartbeat.
"You feel this? This beats for you, and only you. But now, everything feels false. Greg told me the reason you wouldn't speak to me is because you thought I didn't love you anymore. I came to find you and tell you I do love you. That you're my everything. But that doesn't matter now does it. Because you never loved me in the first place. You just kept me around to pass the time."

I break off into sobs again, and now she's crying too. She puts one hand under my chin and raises it slightly so she can look into my eyes.

"Catherine, I don't love him. It was never about him. After you and I had that argument, I was convinced that that was it between us. Our relationship has been so trying over the past few weeks, I just assumed you didn't love me anymore so I started that argument because I couldn't bear to hear you tell me you weren't in love with me. But, since we had that argument, all I've been able to think about it you. I asked Gil out not because I want him, but because everywhere I looked, there were reminders of you. I wanted to forget you, even just for a night. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. I felt like I was being unfaithful to you, even though I don't even know if I have a relationship with you anymore. I'm sorry Catherine, I should never have doubted that you love me. I understand if you don't believe me, and I'll leave you alone from now on. But don't ever doubt my love for you. Because I do love you and I always will."

She turns away from me and her shoulders shake as she sobs. Although I'm still hurting, I know she was being honest. Not just from her words, but from the look in her eyes. I reach out and tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Her hand is in mine and I tug it, trying to get her to look at me. Her eyes meet mine, and my hearts breaks all over again when I see the pain within them. I smile at her, then lean across and kiss her, putting all my emotion into it. She responds and I start to cry again, except this time it's out of joy. I love this women so much. Then she breaks the kiss and pulls me across until I'm sat on her lap in the drivers seat. She wraps her arms round me and we stay like this for ages, just holding each other.

Eventually I raise my head from her shoulder so I can kiss her again, and she smiles, her eyes lighting up. They're so expressive, so beautiful. And just another reminder of how much I love her.

The End

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