Title: Search the Stars
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Spoilers for the S9 CSI: Miami episode "Stoned Cold."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing him for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan sat back on the grass in the courtyard of his apartment building, smiling as he gazed up at the stars. He'd been looking through the telescope that Eric had given him; he still couldn't quite believe that Eric had done that. It was an expensive gift.

He had thought for so long that he and Eric didn't get along too well, that the other man was still merely tolerating him, rather than accepting him as a colleague. Ryan wouldn't even have really said that they were friends; he'd never felt particularly close to Eric.

But maybe things were changing. Maybe Eric -- and along with him, the rest of the team -- valued him more than he had let himself believe. There were times when he felt closer to them than he ever had before during the past year or so.

Still, there were more times when he still felt that he wasn't really a part of the team, that he would always be on the outside looking in, searching for a place. Even though he'd been with this team for almost seven years now, he still hadn't quite found his place yet.

Of course, that could be because he'd managed to screw up a lot of the time, he thought ruefully. He'd made a lot of mistakes, especially during his first couple of years as a CSI. He'd made some bad calls, done some things he was ashamed of now.

But he had learned from those mistakes -- and he was determined never to make them again. He wasn't the kind of man who made errors twice. And some of the judgment calls he'd made that might have seemed bad at the time, he would do again if he was forced to.

He would never have tampered with evidence if he hadn't known that a child's life would be forfeit if he had refused to do so. Maybe he should have gone to Horatio and told him everything, but he hadn't felt that he was able to. He'd felt that the responsibility was squarely on his shoulders.

All right, so that had been a mistake, Ryan thought, sighing as he scanned the night sky above him. But he still felt that he'd done what he had to do. Though now, he would probably go to Horatio. He had more trust in Horatio now than he'd had then.

He had to admit that sometimes it felt ridiculous to have such trust in a man who didn't seem to care very much about him, Ryan thought wryly. But there was something about Horatio Caine that made Ryan want to earn his trust -- and his respect.

Had he ever managed to do that? Ryan didn't think so, even though he knew that there were times when Horatio thought he'd done a good job on a case. And there were also times when he thought that Horatio cared about what happened to him.

There were more times when he didn't feel that way, though. Ryan took a deep breath and moved back to the telescope, adjusting the focus and peering through it. What would it be like to be up there in the stars, away from this world and all of the problems it contained?

Well, that was something he'd never know. Not unless he could jump into some science fiction television show and take off through time and space in a blue box, he thought with an inward laugh. Unfortunately, he didn't think that was going to happen any time soon.

Still, it was nice to be able to sit here on the cool grass in the courtyard and look up at the stars. It had been a long time since he'd done anything like this; he hadn't thought that he would ever have another telescope after the incident in high school that he'd told Eric about.

He could still remember how heartbroken he'd been when he realized that his telescope couldn't be fixed. He'd saved up to get it for so long; he'd put so much time and effort into finding the one he felt was perfect. Losing it had been a crushing experience.

Ryan couldn't help but wonder why Eric had done something like this; had he, too, been the victim of a bully who had taken something precious from him when he was a child? Or had he been the bully who had victimized others, and this was his way ot making amends?

He'd have no way of knowing that unless he actually asked Eric, and somehow, that seemed too personal a question to put to him. Ryan was content to let it be enough that Eric had done this, accept the gift in the spirit it was given, and be happy.

If only he could search the stars and find answers to all of the questions he still had about the people he worked with and their motivations! Ryan smiled wryly as he looked back through the lens, bringing the stars high overhead into sharp focus.

They looked so close that he could have sworn he could reach out and touch them. This was one of the things he'd missed the most when that bully had broken his first telescope; he had missed being able to search the stars and feel that he could get lost in them.

He had wanted to do this so many times in the past few years; he'd told himself time and time again that he would get another telescope, that he would give it to himself as a gift for the hard work he'd been doing with the team, the work that he didn't feel was appreciated.

It was odd that such a gift should have come from Eric, a man who he'd felt himself to be at odds with for the entire time he'd been working as as CSI. Would it bring them closer together as colleagues, or maybe even as friends? Ryan didn't know; there was no way to foretell the future.

Ryan sincerely hoped that he and Eric could develop a closer friendship, It would make him feel a lot more comfortable during his working hours if they could, he reflected, moving back from the telescope again and regarding it. It would make him feel more accepted.

Or maybe that had all been in his own mind. Maybe Eric had always accepted him -- or at least he had after those first awkward few months -- and he'd spent all of this time worrying and feeling like an outcast for absolutely no reason.

Eric had obviously gotten over his resentment at feeling that Ryan had replaced Speedle. Ryan had thought that he'd been carrying that anger around with him all this time, but apparently he had misjudged Eric. The thought made him feel guilty.

He had never expected something like this. Somehow, he had to find a way to do something just as nice for Eric, something that would cement what was apparently a growing friendship. He was determined for that friendship to flourish, now that it had started.

It had probably already been there, and he'd just never taken the time to realize that it was, Ryan told himself soberly. Eric couldn't have done something like this if he didn't consider Ryan a friend, something that came from his heart.

Ryan ran his fingers over the telescope, smiling as he did so. It was hard to put into words how much this meant to him, but he would try to when he thanked Eric for it. And he would invite Eric over to search the stars with him some night. It was the least he could do.

***