Title: Somewhat Damaged
By: Shellie
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Rating: R due to past abuse and self-harm.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, none of the CSI characters belong to me.
Summary: Sara is having a hard time dealing with the past. Catherine is there to help her.

***


Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Someone prettier and happier, with more self-confidence. Someone who was more sure of themselves and of what they were doing in life. Someone that wasn't miserable all the time, and who was surrounded by people who actually cared whether they live or die. Someone normal.

Truth is, when Grissom asked me to come to Las Vegas, I jumped at the chance. I was so desperate for a change; anything that could take me away from the life I was living. I wanted moving here to be a fresh beginning. So much for that. Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse. I thought that the further away I went, the more the memories would fade but they are still with me, strong as ever. Haunting me with everything I do. Sometimes I think they will never go away, that I will never get over the horrible things in my past. And sometimes I want so much just to tell Catherine. I know that may sound weird; she's been distant from me ever since I got here, but I can't help it. She's just so perfect. I mean, who could not be attracted to her? And I'm the total opposite. Even if by some miracle she did have feelings for me, she deserves much better then me and my messed up life. She's too good for that.

I don't think that she hates me, maybe just doesn't think that we have anything in common; that's why she's avoiding me. But if she knew the truth about my past and what I do now, then she would hate me. Knowing that, how can I? How can I sit her down and tell her about what my father would do to me? About how the pain of the memories and my life becomes so bad that I have to use a blade to make it all better? How can anyone understand that? Sometimes even I don't understand.

Walking into the break room, I see that I'm the last person there. Even Grissom, who's usually last managed to beat me there. I made my way over to the couch to sit next to Nick, who gave me a grin. I gave him a small smile back and then looked towards Grissom, who was looking straight at me.

"Well, now that Sara's here we can start."

I looked away as he said this, feeling guilty that they were all waiting for me.

"Okay. Warrick, you have a break in downtown at the 4 Seasons. Cath, you and Sara have a db in the desert, not too far from the strip. Nick, your with me. We got a db at Lake Mead. Okay people, lets get going."

Catherine stood up and took the piece of paper from Grissom and looked back at me.

"Well, are you coming?"

Standing up, I followed her to the car. Great. This was just what I needed. To be stuck with Catherine. Now I know I'll never get any work done.

The trip to the crime scene was quiet, neither of us in the mood to talk. Every now and then I could feel her eyes on me. It was almost as if she wanted to say something, but didn't. When we arrived at the crime scene, Catherine was the first out of the car and she went on without me. Sighing, I followed her over towards the body, which stood out clearly against the bright texture of the sand.

Catherine stood there staring at the body before asking "Hey Vega. What have we got?"

"Male, approximately 40 years old. Single shot to the back of the head..."

While Detective Vega finished giving the details to Cath, I walked over to the victim, who was lying on his stomach with his face buried in the sand. Taking several pictures, I turned around and saw Cath collecting evidence. I looked at her for a second before turning away. Why did I have to feel this way about her? It was becoming harder and harder to hide my feelings for her. Part of me was dying to tell her how I truly feel about her, but the other part of me was warning me that there was no way she could ever feel the same way I do.

When I had taken all the photos necessary, Catherine approached me.

"Okay, David's finished with his examination. If you're done, we can flip the body."

Nodding, I took a step back as two officers turned the body over. The first thing I noticed was a tattoo on his chest. It was of a phoenix, rising from the ashes. My stomach turned. I'd seen that tattoo before. But it couldn't be...

Working up the courage, I moved my gaze up to the victim's face.

I froze. Even after all these years, I could still recognise his face. The face that haunted my nightmares.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and jumped at the contact. Turing around, I found myself face to face with Catherine.

"Sara, are you okay? I've been calling your name for a few minutes. What's wrong?"

I could see the concern in her eyes and almost laughed. Concern? Why would Catherine be concerned about me? She's spent most of the time since I've been here avoiding me.

Looking back at the body, I said "Yeah. I'm fine."

Catherine stepped around in front of me to block my view.

"I don't believe you. You've been staring at the John Doe for the last couple of minutes. What's wrong?"

I felt tears building up and knew I had to get out of there. But I also knew I had to tell them who he was.

"Jacob Edwards," I whispered.

Catherine frowned and for a second I wondered if she had even heard me.

"Who?"

I looked towards the Tahoe, wondering how long it would take me to get there.

Taking a deep breath, I spoke a little louder.

"His name. It's Jacob Edwards."

***