Title: Going Through the Motions
By: Caryn OBrian
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Rating: PG-13
Note: It isn't plagiarism if I'm copying from myself. I originally used this structure in another story, called Steps, in Numb3rs fandom. But Gil started poking me halfway through that story, wanting to explore it for himself as well. Greedy bastard. Summary: It's pretty accepted that there are stages to grieving. David Grossman, in his book On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society postulates that there are stages when it comes to killing that everyone goes through as well. This piece is a series of drabbles based on the stages of killing. Very vague spoilers for "Grave Danger".

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Concern about killing

Gil rarely thinks about having to defend himself by killing. He knows that it might occur sometime: however, he trusts in the power of his voice, the weight of his message, even the mundane humanity that he so rarely indulges in, to turn a killer's hand.

He maintains his proficiency at the range, taking pride in his ability to focus, to reduce the emotional overtones and the kickback of the weapon to negligible distractions.

He ignores the times when he wants to kill -- Ecklie, Gordon, to name a few -- knowing he'll never indulge his dark side that way.

***

The actual kill

Though Gil might have occasionally entertained thoughts of murder and mayhem, he'd never been fond of rescue fantasies. It was too close to reality, had been played out more than once involving him and Nick.

But now Nick's standing between him and Brent, the jock from Hollywood High, visiting with his team. They know where he got the gun and why he thinks he doesn't have anything to lose.

Gil does, though, and his answering shot isn't calculated, doesn't involve applied physics or protocol. Brent shot Nick, so Gil shoots Brent, before the boy can shoot again. Simple as that.

***

Exhilaration

Gil's read the theory, but he doesn't expect the emotions to take over with such force.

Nick's alive. The way the gun was angled up, the bullet wound is more of a graze than anything else. It explains why Nick is still standing after being shot, why he has the strength to grab Gil's bicep and pull him close, lean on him.

It doesn't explain why that simple act turns into a half-embrace, then into something more, intimate, hot, with teeth and moans, Gil's hands in Nick's hair, affirmations and pleas suddenly growing silent when his fingers touch sticky blood.

***

Remorse

Of course Gil's sorry that he killed Brent, sorry that the situation escalated as it did. Mostly he's sorry that Nick's been hurt again.

He tells himself that he should be sorry for the aborted kiss, that it was wrong for him to take advantage of the situation like that, that neither Nick or he knew what they were doing at the time.

But he remembers the feel of Nick's lips, dreams about it, the taste of him, the fire that threatened to consume them both. In his heart of hearts, Gil's only sorry that it will never happen again.

***

Rationalization

Nick seemed to roll through his problems before -- Crane, Gordon -- though Gil saw hints of deeper issues, shadows cast by a troubled man.

He doesn't expect the resignation that appears on his desk, or how Nick won't meet his eye. They have to talk. Gil doesn't want Nick to leave -- he says the department can't lose a good CSI.

They do breakfast, neither of them talking much until the end. Then it isn't words but lips that speak, Nick grabbing Gil and the reasons why this is such a bad idea dissolve on Gil's suddenly busy tongue.

***

Acceptance


Gil's never going to be easy about their relationship. He doesn't do easy.

But joy? So unexpected, and delivered tenfold through such simple things as a smile, a kiss, or a whispered, "Morning," when he wakes up.

They each still have their problems -- Ecklie, too much work, Gil's stubbornness, Nick's fears -- but they have each other too, now. Gil finds that he indulges in dark thoughts less, spending more time enjoying a life he never expected, much less thought he deserved.

He also spends extra time at the range, perfecting his skill. He has too much to lose.

***