Title: The Pain Within
By: Bobbie
Fandoms: CSI: Miami
Pairings: Horatio/Eric & Horatio/Speed
Rating: NC-17
Archives: Yes, please
Disclaimer: Don't own them so no money is being made.
Warnings: Angst, Language, Violence, mentions of both Rape and Child abuse, POV, un beta'd, Domestic abuse.
Summary: Can Speedle help Horatio escape from an abusive relationship?***
I recalled the night I finally walked out of a nightmare and into heaven but it wasn't easy. If Speedle hadn't been there when I needed him, I might not be sitting here watching him tuck our adoptive daughter in for the night.
It had been raining that night and Eric had been pissed off at something when the blow up occured and I walked out. All I know is that I wound up sitting on Speedle's porch dripping wet and aching.
"H?"
I flinched away instinctively and winced from it as his dark eyes locked on my blue ones quietly, compassion in their depths mixed with something else. Maybe it was love but my mind was wondering how I arrived on his door step covered with bruises.
"You okay?" He said softly, watching me get to my feet slowly and unlocking his door. " Want to come in for a bit? You know, for some coffee? Maybe a call to the hospital?"
"No." I replied, shaking my head as he pushed the door open." No hospitals Tim. I just need someplace to stay for the night, thats all."
Speedle wanted to protect me. I could see it in his eyes and was suddenly grateful for this raven haired young man that was leading me inside his house. As soon as that door shut, I broke down instantly and felt his arms around my trembling frame, causing me to cry into his broad shoulder.
The tears subsided a few minutes later and I pulled away from the strong frame reluctantly, wiping my eyes on a sleeve as he studied the wet spot on his shirt.
"I'm sorry, Tim."
"No problem." He replied gently, sighing as we headed into the living room and sat on the couch. " You can't go back to Eric. Not tonight and not after this."
"Tim..."
"No." Speedle said, shaking his head and looking me over. " You should go to an ER Horatio. He may have broken or torn something."
I knew that he was concerned about me but I didn't want anyone to know about it. How would I explain it? I was an officer before becoming a CSI and had been called out to enough domestic violence scenes to know the proceedure by now so I didn't want any part of it.
"Timmy, please..."
Speedle got up and gave me a firm look before sighing again.
"At least give him time to calm down, H."
"Eric's not home." I confessed, avoiding his gaze. " I called the house."
"I'll drive." He said, leading me back out to the H2 as we climbed in and he drove off. " But I'm done standing by and allowing him treat you like a fucking punching bag Horatio. I can't do this anymore."
I shrugged and commented," Neither can I Tim."
The ride to the house was quiet as I reflected on the incidents that ended with me leaving the war zone and seeking out safety. I spotted Eric's car in the driveway when we arrived and, sighing, started to exit the vehicle when Speedle stopped me briefly.
"Will you be okay going in there by yourself?"
"I'll yell if I need help, Timmy." I replied, shutting the door and starting up the walk way as he climbed out to lean against the hood.
Speedle's presence near by made me feel safe and I couldn't explain it as I climbed up the steps that led to our front door, standing before it nervously. I knew that he was in there waiting for my return but I vowed not too give him the chance to hurt me again so I went inside silently.
I headed past the living room where he was hiding out and headed directly for our bedroom where I pushed the door open to slip inside.Pulling a sports bag from our closet, I started tossing clothes into it and felt tears burn my eyes again as my chest ached from grief.
Is this what its come down to? I thought, placing my gun on top of the clothes and sinking onto the bed. Me leaving my own house in the night?
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear Eric enter the room until the door shut, startling me as I looked up at the Russian-Cuban standing before me fearfully. His eyes were so that my nerve started to leave when he knelt in front of me.
"I'm sorry about tonight, babe." Eric said in a mournfully soft voice as I blinked back tears. " Please don't leave me Horatio. Not like this."
I gave a shuddering sigh and got drawn against him in a hug that made me lose the battle with my emotions and tears fell again as I held onto my lover while his arms tightened around me.
"Shh, its going to be all right." Eric whispered, lips finding mine and kissing me deeply as I opened my mouth reluctantly. " I'll never hurt you again sweetie."
My nerve left me and Eric suceeded in his attempt to keep me from walking out of the front door as his hands ran up and down my back slowly.
"Eric." I said hoarsely, pulling back as he sank by me and placed a hand on my thigh." I - I can't take this anymore. I'm sick of it."
"Just stay tonight." Eric said softly against my ear as he slid the shirt off of my shoulder and kissed my neck. " That's all I ask, Horatio. Give me another chance and if you still feel like that in the morning ,I'll pack up and leave all right?"
Thats all I ever seem to do. I sighed mentally as his nimble fingers unzipped my pants and slid in to stroke my cock, causing me too arch up. I don't know why I let you get away with hurting me just to take you back in and let it continue.
"Stop." I groaned out as he paused and looked at me. " I don't want to do this again Eric. You always do this after you hit me."
I instantly regretted my choice of words because I saw the anger flash into his eyes and called out for Speedle as he started to hit me again.
"You fucking tramp! You're screwing him now?!" Eric yelled as I tried to defend myself from the on slaught of blows and heard the door slam open. " I knew you were cheating on me!! But I didn't know it was with Speed!!"
"I'm not cheating on you!" I pleaded as our door got kicked in and Speedle tackled Eric, placing himself between the other man and me. " Tim, don't.."
"I'm putting a stop to this shit you son of a bitch!"
Eric growled and watched me zip up before trying too get at me as Speedle blocked his path easily, muscled body sheilding my battered frame from harm.
"Finish packing Horatio." Speedle said gently, eyes trained on Eric silently as I zipped my bag up and rose. " Got everything? If you do then go outside and wait for me in the Hummer, okay? I've got something too take care of."
I hesitated slightly, not wanting to leave the two men alone with each other but picked up my bag and left the room as an argument began. The rain had eased up considerably when I reemerged from inside the building and headed for the four wheel drive quietly with tears still in my eyes, fighting the urge too cry.
Speedle joined a few minutes later completely unharmed as relief swept over me at his appearance by the Hummer and watched him climb in behind the wheel. The engine started and we drove off without looking back as he sighed.
"You're going to stay with me ,H." Speedle said, calmer now as I glanced over at him and recalled the past, both recent and long gone. "For a little while anyway. At least until we can find you a place of your own."
I just nodded my head in agreement and stared out of the window silently, mind else where as he turned the radio on. We listened to the music for some time and the memories of my childhood and teenage years came out startinng on the day of my mother's funeral was the first ghost to materialize out of my mind and the beginning of a brutal new Hell that changed my life forever.
That was the first time that I ever met my father and the bastard's face became sharp as I shook my head too clear him away.
I can't have a panic attack here. I thought quickly, watching as the neighborhood changed into a nicer area. Maybe if I told Speedle the truth about my past it won't be so bad.
"Timmy, can I tell you something?" I asked softly as the other man nodded and I took a deep breath before releasing it.
"What is it?"
I studied my hands and gathered my courage for a few minutes before looking into his eyes as tears glistened in mine again.
"My father used to abuse me." I replied in a strained voice as the vehicle pulled into the garage and got turned off. " Both physically and sexually."
The tension from earlier returned in full force as Speedle sighed himself and turned in the seat to face me, warmth in his gaze.
"I'm sorry about that." He said gently, honesty in each word spoken as I looked away. " You deserve better then that, H. You're not a rag that people can use up and just toss aside like trash."
I blinked and stared at him in surprise as he retrieved my bag from the back seat.
"I love you Timmy."
"You just got out of an abusive relationship Horatio." Speedle stated calmly." I think that you should give yourself time too heal before we do anything."
"I never loved Eric."
Speedle stiffened at that and asked quietly as I closed my eyes, " Then why did you stay with him? Why didn't you kick his ass out ?"
I shrugged and answered honestly, " I don't know why. Maybe I liked being with someone else or I was just a coward to live alone."
Speedle rubbed his eyes tiredly and we climbed out to head inside as I got led upsatirs. The guest room that he put me in was nicely decorated in hunter green and ebony as he tossed my bag on the bed, a smile on his face.
"Why don't you go clean up while I make us something too eat okay, H?"
I gave him an agreeing nod and pulled some jogging pants out as he watched me briefly before speaking again.
"I'll even grab the first aid kit and look your injuries over."
With a quick direction to the bathroom and a warning about the shower head, he left the room and headed down into the kitchen as I entered the hall way, wandering around the area until I found the bathroom a few minutes later.
Letting the water run, I stripped my clothes off and winced when I stepped under the warm down pour gratefully, allowing the drops too wash the pain away. The hot water hurt upon contact with the bruises and welts covering my body but I didn't care. I wondered if Speedle should know all of it but I wasn't sure if I wanted to relive any of that old pain.
True, the man who sired me wasn't a Saint but the men he sold me out to on a nightly basis were worse as I slowly grew to loathe the lot of them until I decided to run back to Miami.
I had just turned seventeen and living alone was hard because I had to earn my diploma by day and work the streets at night just to have enough money to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach.
A disgusted sigh escaped my lips as I rinsed the soap of and washed my hair, brain reeling over the fact that I was safe. Realizing that Eric would be pissed off the next day, I decided to call in my sick days and hopefully avoid a major blow up in the Lab.
I couldn't believe it. After all of the years that I put in running from my demons they came back and now I had nowhere else left too hide.
Ah, but thats what you get for being somebody else's dog. A nasty voice in the back of my head said as I rinsed the shampoo away and stepped out onto the floor. You''ve become a Boy Scout and you' re still just that scared kid who'd Fucked anyone who could pay.
I shut it out and dried off before pulling the fleece material on, picking up my towel to return to my room where Speedle sat on the bed with a first aid kit in his hands. I sank by him and felt him move to kneel behind me as he saw my back.
"Fuck." Speedle asked, examining the bruises and other injuries covering me before shaking a can of antibiotic spray. " What in the Hell did he beat you with H? A belt?"
I shook my head and winced when the cooling mist touched my back as he continued cursing about abusive boyfriends and how they should be shot on sight. I could tell that my unlikely protector was worried about my injuries but I eased his concerns with a warm smile.
"I want to know what happened tonight." He said with forced calmness in his deep voice as I groaned inwardly and felt him cleaning out any open wounds. " Everything Horatio."
"It started out as an argument that escalated until he-um-well..."
Brown eyes closed in pain and opened again as he finished wrapping the injuries up before replying to my statement.
"Did that bastard rape you tonight?"
"Him among others in my life." I commented quietly, voice barely above a whisper.
"What do you mean?" Speedle asked in confusion as I bowed my head and studied the carpetting beneath my feet.
"I ran away from my father when I was seventeen..."
I told him everything and felt lighter with each word as he listened quietly, tears in his eyes while it all fell into place. Wrapping his strong arms around me, he pulled me against his chest and felt me relax as I winded down, exhaustion setting in.
"Thats why you're so protective."
"Now you know why I'm a CSI." I replied, smelling warm garlic as he smiled and got up. " That smells good."
" What? OH!" Speedle said, bolting out the door as I rose and followed him after pulling a t-shirt on. " The pizza!!"
The string of curses led me into the kitchen where he was cooling off a pizza and fixing a green salad as I joined him.
"Its not frozen." He said, answering my unasked question easily. " Its home made. My mother taught me how too make it."
I was surprised by this fact and watched him slice it skillfully before placing it on the table as I looked at him.
"I didn't know you could cook, Tim" I replied, sitting across from him as he indicated that I should help myself so I did. " You never mentioned it."
Speedle's laugh was warm and his eyes shone joyfully as I felt my love for him grow.
"I don't cook for myself Horatio."
The meal was good. The best that I had ever had and we talked over bowls of ice cream as I enjoyed it.
"What do you want, Horatio?" He asked me suddenly as I looked up at him in shock and he cleared our plates away.
That question had caught me off guard but I saw the honesty in his gaze and thought it over as he waited.
"You deserved to be loved." He continued truthfully, moving closer to me as I glanced back. " So, what do you want? Tell me and I'll do it. I want you to be happy."
What did I what? Speedle on his back screaming my name as he climaxed? I had been hurt too many times in my life that I didn't trust myself. He just looked into my eyes and studied my face.
"I'll only do what makes you feel comfortable." He said softly, never losing eye contact with me. " You just tell me to stop and I will. You have all the power here Horatio."
"I want you, Tim."
"You've got me."
We kissed and the world was swept away as I enjoyed the ride, groaning when it ended to soon.
"I've decided to take some time off." I said against his broad shoulder as he gently parted my knees with his hips, pressing our groins together lightly. " Too avoid Eric."
"I'll handle Eric, H. Don't worry." Speedle said reassuringly, arms around my trembling shoulders tightly as I cried again. " Shh, its all right babe. Just let it out. I'm not going anywhere."
"Even after we confront my demons?"
"Just try and get rid of me." He whispered. " I'll always be by your side, no matter what."
No matter what? I wondered, feeling both tired and safe. Even when a pissed off Eric comes after me?
Thats when I realized just how much danger I placed Speedle in and knew that there would be a show down between the man I loved and my former abuser as a sick feeling settled into my stomach.
"Don't worry about him, Horatio." Speedle said, as if reading my mind again, causing me to look at him. " I'll take care of Eric if he tries anything, okay?"
"I don't want to lose you."
"You forget, H." Speedle whispered again, voice full of love and comfort as I held onto him. " I'm from Syracuse, not Miami so I know how to fight. Besides, I'm a runaway too and we have to stick together."
"I've got too call in." I said as he handed me the cordless and went to lock up. " Hi, um, I'm going some time off for personal reasons. Yeah. No. Thank you."
I hung up and sat on the couch as he joined me instantly, dropping an arm around my shoulders and smiling when I leaned into it.
"Timmy." I said as he looked at me in concern, reading the tiredness in my gaze.
"Hmm?"
I shifted and held his eyes, pleading with him wordlessly as he nodded in understanding.
"I'll be right next door if you need me."
We had about two weeks of happiness before it got turned upside down by an unexpected visit from Eric and it ended with me being tied to our bed as he raped me then left me for dead after a neighbor called it in.
A small voice called me back from the nightmare and I looked at the face of our daughter who was looking at me from her bed as Speedle held my gaze, reading the pain in the depths swiftly.
"Get some sleep princess, you've got school tomorrow." I said gently, ruffling her dark raven hair lovingly as her blue eyes closed and we exited her room softly.
"You don't trust yourself around her yet do you?" Speedle asked me downstairs of our Vegas townhouse as I shook my head and he drew me against him. " Its all right Horatio. Honestly it is. Dakota understands."
"I don't." I replied as we spotted Grissom's Tahoe pulling in and the Entomologist hopping out with Jim Brass at his side. " And I never will. Gil looks happy tonight doesn't he?"
Speedle laughed and kissed my lips before letting them in.
I may hate what my past and what I went through but at least I had a family of my own and new friends who cared about me. Thats all that counts isn't it?
The End.***
- Main CSI page
- The new stories
- Gil/Greg stories
- Gil/Nick stories
- Gil/Warrick stories
- Nick/Greg stories
- Nick/Warrick stories
- Greg/Warrick stories
- Nick/Bobby stories
- Jim Brass stories
- David Hodges stories
- f/f stories
- CSI: New York stories
- CSI: Miami stories
- Other pairings & threesomes
- Gen CSI stories
- C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation: The Complete Ninth Season