Title: The Promise
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe or any of the other characters from CSI: Miami, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

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Ryan ran a hand over his face, looking up at the clock on the living-room wall. He wanted to go out; this was one of his nights off, and he was used to being out and about instead of staying here at home alone and telling himself that he should read a book or watch tv.

He wanted to be out at a casino. At a card game. Somewhere other than here. But he had promised Horatio that he wouldn't gamble again, and he was going to stick to that promise. Too many problems had already been caused because of his weakness.

The rest of the lab shouldn't have to pay for mistakes that he'd made in his personal life away from his job. He wasn't going to put them in the line of fire for something he'd done; that had almost happened once, and Ryan wanted to make sure that it didn't occur again.

But he hadn't realized how hard it would be to keep himself away from his gambling habit. He knew that it was an addiction; how many times had he told himself that he would play just one more game, and then he would quit for good?

Too many to count, he told himself wryly, looking up at the clock again. Barely two minutes had passed since the last time he'd glanced at it; maybe a drink would calm him down, make him feel that he could sit here and relax, but that would probably turn into more than one drink.

Then he would have yet another problem to add to the gambling, Ryan thought with a cynical snort. He'd end up being an alcoholic -- and that was something that he didn't need to deal with. He'd already fallen into enough traps; he wouldn't willingly step into that one.

He couldn't gamble again. He couldn't. He'd promised Horatio, and he wasn't the kind of person who went back on his word. He didn't want to let his boss down; he had too much respect for Horatio to look him in the eye and tell him that he'd given in to his demons.

Ryan didn't want to see the disappointment that he knew would be written on Horatio's face if he started gambling again. He could keep it a secret, of course; but if Horatio asked him flat out, he knew that he'd have a hard time lying to a man he respected so much.

He would be ashamed of himself if he could ever look Horatio in the and lie to him, Ryan told himself firmly. He couldn't imagine a time when he would be able to do that; if he could, then he would have to be in the worst trouble he could imagine.

And he couldn't go out and gamble again, no matter how strong the temptation was. If he did, then he would be giving in to those demons that were screaming in the back of his mind --- and he wasn't going to give himself over to them. Not again.

What would Horatio do if he found out that Ryan had started gambling again? The least of what would more than likely happen was that he'd lose his job -- and everything he'd done in the department would be torn apart. His cases would be looked into, and criminals could go free.

Ryan closed his eyes, leaning his head against the soft cushions of his couch and clenching his fists in his lap. No. Whatever happened, he wasn't going to give in to the temptation that screamed at him, made him feel that he was going to jump out of his skin.

What he needed was a man, Ryan thought, heaving a sigh. But it wasn't like he was free to go out trolling the way that Delko did; he had to be more discreet. It was all right for a man to go out looking for a woman, but being openly gay was just inviting trouble.

That was the last thing he needed to deal with -- the people he worked with finding out that he was gay. If he chose to tell them at some point, then that was his decision -- but he wasn't going to give them that information unless he found someone he wanted to openly be with.

All right, so maybe he'd brought this on himself by letting his vices get too tight of a grip on him. But he had made Horatio a promise, and it wasn't one that he was going to break. He could keep his promises -- and his job might depend on keeping this one.

His job meant everything to him. He had loved being a cop, but it was much more exciting to work as a CSI. He felt that he was a part of something bigger than the police department,something that fulfilled him much more than patrol work had ever done.

Maybe he would never be able to come out, even if he found someone he wanted to be with. Maybe he'd always have to hide who he really was, just as he'd tried to hide his gambling problem. But keeping his personal life a secret hadn't been something he'd promised to do.

Besides, that wasn't the issue here, was it? He had promised Horatio that he wouldn't gamble -- and no matter how hard it was to stay away from that temptation, he was going to force himself to do it. He would feel better about himself in the long run if he did.

If only it wasn't so hard to keep that promise! Ryan looked up the clock again; this time, ten minutes had gone by while he was inwardly wrestling with his problems. Ten minutes that he'd spent here alone, when he could have been out doing something constructive.

What could it hurt to go out? He didn't have to play; he could just stand around and watch. And do what? a cynical voice in the back of his mind demanded. Place a bet on who would win the game? He might not be participating in the game, but he'd still be gambling.

No. He couldn't. He had to keep that promise, no matter how much stress it put him under. He couldn't go back on his word. Not to Horatio. His boss had already put a lot on the line to keep IAD from finding out what he'd done; he couldn't let Horatio down. Not again.

He wouldn't let his boss down. Not only would Horatio be disappointed in him -- and possibly angry enough for Ryan to be out of a job -- but he would hate himself every time he looked in the mirror. He'd always feel that he had betrayed someone who had put their faith in him.

It didn't matter how hard it would be to keep the promise he'd made to Horatio Caine. He would keep that promise, no matter what the cost to him. Nothing would make him break it; he'd given his word, and he wasn't going to break it.

Gritting his teeth, Ryan forced himself to reach for the tv remote and turn it on, not looking at the clock again. It was going to be a long night -- and he would have to resign himself to a lot more of those if he wanted to keep the promise he'd had to make.

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