Title: Turmoil
By: Chapin CSI
Pairing: Gil/Greg
Rating: PG-13
Warning: I don't speak English and it shows in my stories; luckily, my readers are very forgiving. Thanks!
Summary: Gil muses on how his relationship with Greg has affected his life.

***

He hasn't changed.

It's been a year since he became our new CSI, and a couple of months since he became my lover. He may dress better now, but apart from that, I haven't perceived any change in Greg's behavior. He's still the same Greg Sanders everybody knows: Passionate about his work, prone to talk too much and tell jokes at inappropriate moments.

In short, he's still infuriating but lovable at the same time. And that's all right; those were the traits that drew me to him in the first place.

The problem –my problem- is that he still flirts with everyone –men or women.

I know he means no harm –in his mind, he's just being friendly- but it has started to bother me.

Just the other night, I saw him talking to Nick and Warrick. I knew it was only a friendly conversation but I couldn't help feeling jealous. Even worse, I felt something close to envy –envy of Nick and Warrick's youth, and the ease with which they talked about things that held an interest for Greg.

It's not as if I'd never experienced those feelings before, but I'd always been able to dismiss them as pathetic and despicable, while now... Now I find myself struggling with them.

I wrestle with them until I defeat them…But I don't always win.

It's not as if I expected him to change just because he's with me now. In fact, remaining the same is probably the wisest course for us, since we need to keep this relationship a secret. But now I wish he'd keep the rest of the night shift crew at a distance, if only out of consideration for me.

But he won't do that, and I'm not going to ask him, either.

Besides, there are other things that trouble me even more.

For instance, Greg is such a big part of my life now, that I find myself thinking of him at the most inappropriate moments. Say I'm at the morgue and Albert is telling me about someone's death. Suddenly, he stares at me and asks, 'Gil? Are you listening?'

And that's when I realize that I haven't been paying attention at all; that all along I'd been thinking of something Greg said that morning. Or something we did together…

Or let's say I'm out in the field, and Catherine says hello, and I answer, 'Good evening, Gr- Catherine."

And she looks at me, puzzlement clearly defined on her face. And then she says, 'Well, good evening to you too, Gr-issom.' And then she laughs and says, 'Someone has his own name on the tip of his tongue, tonight.'

She finds it amusing, but I wonder how she would react if she knew that it wasn't my name but Greg's on the tip of my tongue –and the reason for this.

-- - - - - - -

Before I was in a relationship, I would go home and close the door and forget about the world outside. But now when I'm home, no matter what I'm doing –reading, watching TV, or simply resting- I'm also keeping an eye on the phone, hoping that he will call. And I know I'm acting like a teenager waiting for somebody to call, but I can't help it.

And every time the phone rings, I literally jump to answer.

And the thing is… he always calls.

I told him about this once, and he said I shouldn't worry, that he spent a sizable amount of time waiting for me to call too; that even when he was reading something or watching TV or surfing the net, in reality he was waiting for me to call.

Only, I never did.

It didn't seem to bother him, though. None of this does. As I said before, nothing seems to have changed for him, whereas life itself seems to have changed for me.

All this has started to worry me.

I'm afraid that one of these days something will happen, and the fragile wall that keeps my private life and my professional life apart will suddenly collapse; and then I will have to choose between my job and this relationship.

I don't know what I'll do, then.

But this isn't the right time to be thinking about this; I need to concentrate, and-

A voice suddenly cut into my thoughts.

"Dr. Grissom?"

I blinked and glanced around. The jurors and the prosecutor were frowning at me.

I was in the middle of a trial, and I hadn't been paying attention.

"Dr. Grissom?" the Judge said again, "Do you need Counsel to rephrase that question?"

I cleared my throat.

"Yes, Gr- I mean, yes, your Honor."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE END

***