Title: Uncertainties
By: ButterfliesForHer
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; I'm just borrowing them for a bit
Spoilers: Nesting Dolls, Season Five
Summary: Based around 'Nesting Dolls.' Catherine realises what she's been missing.

***

"You can't arrest someone for marrying the wrong person."
"You would know."
Bitch. How the hell would she know? It's not like she's ever been married. But, I let that slide, and I managed to keep my temper. After all, we'd been getting on a lot better recently, and I didn't want to throw our new-found relationship away. So, I tried being reasonable.

"If the guy's an abuser, if he killed his first wife, we will build a case and we will nail him."
"And in the meantime, he can just keep using her as a punching bag."
She had no proof of this, only her own assumptions. There was no evidence, what was I supposed to do?

"Sara, I was there - there wasn't a mark on her."
"Not that we could see, Catherine."
After that, I thought 'screw being reasonable.' She was undermining my judgement, although I've had years more experience than she has. Besides, she overreacts every time we work a domestic violence case, and I wanted to know why.

"You know ... every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?"
"Yeah, I probably do, and you let your sexuality cloud your judgment about men, and I'm gonna go over your head."

Then Ecklie pulled her into his office. She was rude to him too, although what she said was completely true, and she ended up getting suspended.
At first, I felt more than a little smug, and in my eyes, she'd deserved to be suspended. Now though, I'm sat at home feeling guilty. I provoked her, and although she was out of line towards me in the first place, what I said was pretty out of order too.
In a way, I wanted her to react, and she is incredibly attractive when she's angry.
Something was bothering her, and I should have tried helping her with whatever she's going through at the moment instead of winding her up more.
I reach for my cell phone to call her, but it begins ringing.

"Willows."
"Catherine, its Grissom."
"Don't tell me – dayshift is short staffed and you need me to go in and help out?"
"No, actually I wanted to talk to you about Sara."
I almost drop the phone.
"Sara?"
"I think you should apologise to her."
Ok, so I'm feeling guilty, but not guilty enough to apologise to her yet.
"Shouldn't she be apologising to me?"
"I think you should go over and talk to her. Then maybe you'll understand why she reacted the way she did."

There's a click, and the line goes dead.
Why does he always have to be so cryptic? Why couldn't he have told me what was bothering her?

I sigh and put on my jacket. I think getting Sara to open up to me of all people will be near enough impossible, but we need to sort this out, and I guess I do owe her an apology.

She opens the door after my third knock. Her eyes are red and she looks exhausted. Her face hardens as soon as she sees me.

"Come for another round?"
"No, but I do want to talk. Can I come in?"

For a moment I think she's going to slam the door in my face, but then she moves aside and lets me pass. I sit on the couch, not knowing what to say. The uncomfortable silence worsens when Sara sits opposite me, a questioning look on her face.

I have to say something. The tension is killing me.
"Um, how are you?"

Her laugh is scornful and mirthless.
"Never better Catherine, how about you?"
"Sara, I-"
"How do you think I am? I'm stuck at home for the next week because you wouldn't authorise a simple welfare check."

My temper flares again.
"No Sara, you're stuck at home because something about domestic violence makes you unable to control your temper. Don't try putting this on me."
"Is that all you came here to say?"
"Actually, I was going to apologise and ask if there's anything I can do to help you, but as you don't seem interested, I think I'll leave."

I get up to leave, but she grabs my arm, and her voice is softer as when she speaks.
"You haven't apologised yet."
"You aren't interested."
"Try me."

I sit back down again.
"I am sorry I lost my temper. You were out of line, but something was upsetting you and I shouldn't have let my anger cloud my judgement. I just want you to know that I am here for you, even if we aren't the best of friends, and if you ever need anything just let me know."

Her eyes meet mine, and her smile is faint but sweet.
"That means a lot. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry too. I was angry and I took it out on you. You did nothing to deserve the way I treated you."
I reach out and take her hand."What made you so angry Sara? What caused you to get so angry?"

She breathes in and exhales slowly.

"I don't know whether I'm ready to talk about that yet Cath. Its not something I ever opened up about until very recently and one person knowing kind of feels like the whole world knows."
"Ok, but if you ever feel ready to talk, I'm here..."
I'm disappointed, but I don't want to push her, so I squeeze her hand, let go and get up to walk to the door.

"Cath…"
I turn and face her, and something tugs at my heart. She looks lost, and her eyes are filled with tears.
"Sara? What is it?"
I sit next to her and take her hand again. She's shaking and trying desperately not to cry. Instinctively I put my arm round her and pull her closer to me, and I'm surprised when she doesn't pull away.
"When I was a child, I grew up in an environment where violence was not only common, it was also extreme. My father used to beat my mom, my brother and me, and my mom used to beat me and my brother because she couldn't beat up my father."
She pauses and holds back another sob, and I pull her even closer to me.
"Then, one day, she'd had enough. She…she got a knife, and she…she stabbed him to death. My mother killed my father."
She begins to sob and I realise my eyes are filled with tears.

All this time, she's dealt with this alone. I never tried to understand her, help her. She's amazing – I don't think I could ever have dealt with something like that alone.
She sits up, tears dripping down her face.
I reach forward and cup her face, lightly caressing her cheek.
Tension fills the room and her eyes meet mine.
I don't know what I'm feeling but I just want to comfort her and be closer to her.
I lean closer to her, till our faces are inches apart.

"I'll be here for as long as you need me."
"I need you to…"

We're even closer now, our lips almost touching, and I finally understand my feelings, and the tension between us. I always thought she was a threat to me, but now I realise that from the moment I met her, it wasn't that I felt she was a threat to me, but to my feelings. She attracted and intrigued me in a way no one else had, and I was scared that if I let her in, she'd break my heart.
But now, my heart is breaking for her.
She looks so beautiful, lonely and sad.
I don't know where we go and what to do with this knowledge, I only know that I want to comfort her, care for her, and give her the attention she deserves.

"You need me to…?" I whisper

She shakes her head and tries to pull away, but I grab her hand and pull her back.
Before she can try to pull away again, I capture her lips with mine.

We kiss softly at first, but then she begins to get more demanding, and bites my bottom lip to gain access to my mouth, which I allow her. She tastes of coffee, toothpaste, and something sweet that is just her. Her hands tangle in my hair, and my hands are stroking her hair and back.I pull her closer to me, trying to tell her, using actions instead of words, how I feel about her. This feels right, kissing her feels right, and I don't ever want to let her go.
Eventually, she pulls away, and I almost moan in disappointment.
She hugs me to her, and I realise just how much I've missed, how I've dated all these different men over the years, but the person I really wanted was right in front of me. I want to take care of her, I want to comfort her, I want her to want me, and I want her to need me.

"Catherine…"
"Sar, I just…need you to need me."
"I always needed you."

***