Title: Unspoken
Author: carinascott
Fandom: CSI: NY
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Mac/Don
Rating: FRM
Spoilers: 3x08: Consequences, 3x21: Past Imperfect, 3x22: Cold Reveal, 3x23: ...Comes Around
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, just having a bit of fun.
Summary: Mac and Don find themselves in an emotional hell. Can the unspoken words between them finally set them free?
Author’s Note: Though I’ve long been a fan of Mac/Don, I’ve never actually written anything for the pairing until now. But over the last few weeks, I’ve been watching Season 3 of CSINY, and the Dean Truby and Clay Dobson storylines really caught my attention. So, I started thinking, “If Mac and Don were in a relationship, how would this affect them?”, and it led to this. :) Enjoy!

~*~

It had been a long couple of weeks. Sinclair and Gerard’s witch hunt had been hell on him and it didn’t seem to be getting any better. Today was just the first day of the official inquest and Mac didn’t know if he could handle it.

Sitting alone in that courtroom, listening as his reputation was trashed, watching as all of his hard work and dedication to the citizens of New York was trampled on; it had been too much. Walking out of the courtroom had been the only choice. That or punching his fist through a wall, and he knew that wouldn’t go over well.

'Not that walking out of the courtroom went over too well either.’ Mac thought derisively.

It wasn’t so much that the inquisition was hard to take. It was, but Mac was relatively confident that he’d come out on top, if a little worse for wear. No, the hard part was that Don didn’t seem to believe him. Not once had he come right out and said that he knew Mac was innocent. Oh, it was implied merely by the fact that Don was set to testify on his behalf. But Don had never actually spoken the words.

In fact, based on what he’d said to Mac so far, it was easy for Mac to assume that Don believed he’d thrown Clay Dobson from the roof.

‘All I know is what you told me when I got up to the top.’

Hearing the doubt in Don’s voice ate at Mac, making him wonder what he could’ve done to Don to cause the younger man to lose faith in him to such a degree.

Mac was the first one to admit that over the last few months their relationship had been strained. In fact, the more intimate, sexual aspects of their relationship had pretty much disappeared. Mac had attributed it to the increase in their work load as well as the stress and strain from all the upheaval Dean Truby’s arrest had caused Don at work. But he never thought it had been enough for Don to lose faith in him.

‘…your word may not be good enough, Mac.’

Though Don had been referring to the media, Mac couldn’t help but feel that those words had a deeper meaning. That maybe Mac’s word, his character, was no longer enough for Don to believe in. Maybe he wasn’t enough for Don, period.

Sighing loudly, feeling the depression that he’d been warring with since the beginning of this whole thing starting to settle in, Mac decided going for a quick jog would be the best thing for him. Heading into his bedroom, Mac quickly changed into running shorts and a t-shirt, before heading out for his run.

It wasn’t long after his run began that Mac found his mind drifting back to Don.

Don had congratulated him after Mac had been cleared not only by the department, but also by the media. Don had even encouraged Mac to join him and the rest of the team for a celebratory drink later that night, paying for a round as they all toasted to Mac and his exoneration.

But that had been almost a month ago. And, outside of work, Mac hadn’t laid eyes on Don since that night. Considering they hadn’t had sex for months, one would think that was a given. But the truth was that even with their strained relationship, Mac and Don spent the night together more often than not. The distance between them grew, Don no longer sleeping spooned around Mac, snoring softly in Mac’s ear. So Mac found it more than a little disconcerting that Don hadn’t been around. Mac had even gone so far as to show up at Don’s house earlier that day after their shift ended, uninvited since Don had stopped answering his calls, hoping that maybe an impromptu visit would inspire some discussion about what was going on between them.

But Don had insisted he was exhausted, and given the dark circles under his eyes coupled with the fact that they had all been working round the clock to find a rapist preying on young girls, Mac hadn’t had the heart to deny the younger man his rest. So he’d gone home, with a heavy heart and his stomach twisted in knots. Even though it had hurt that Don didn’t believe him about Dobson, even though he’d hated the wall that had been between them since Truby’s arrest, Mac still wanted to make this work. Realizing that Don didn’t even want to try filled Mac with so much heartache that he thought he’d suffocate from the loss.

But, Mac wasn’t cruel. If Don wanted out, he’d let the younger man go. And he’d do his best to not let his heartache impact their working relationship.

Panting as he saw his building up ahead, slowing down gradually before coming to a complete stop in front of his building, Mac began his cool down stretch. He was just finishing up when he looked up to see Don coming out of his building.

“Don? What’re you doing here? Did we get a case?” Mac asked, glancing down at his cell to see if he’d missed a call.

“Uhm, no. No case. I just…” Don trailed off, glancing away from Mac, running his hand through his hair in a nervous gesture. Turning sad eyes back to Mac, Don said, “Look Mac, we need to talk.”

Nodding, figuring he knew what Don wanted to talk about and not wanting to have the conversation on the street, Mac gestured towards his building, “Come on up. I’ll put on a pot of coffee.”

The ride up to his floor was silent, the elevator stifling with the obtrusive silence. Finally reaching his floor, Mac grabbed his keys from his pocket and made quick work of the lock as they reached his door.

He wasn’t more than two feet in when Don pounced on him, pushing him against the wall and taking his mouth in a deep kiss.

Confused, and more than a little angry, considering Don’s behavior over the last few weeks, Mac forced himself to push Don away. He tried to ignore his own arousal as well as the flash of hurt on the younger man’s face as Don backed up.

“I’m sorry, Mac.”

Ignoring the apology, not really sure what to do with it at this point, Mac asked, “Don, why are you here? You’ve practically ignored me for weeks now, unless it had to do with the job. And now you’re here kissing me?! What is going on?”

“Maybe I should just go,” Don responded, heading for the door.

“Please Don, don’t walk away from me. Just, just help me understand. Please.”

Don stopped, but he didn’t turn around for a long moment. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Don turned to Mac, glancing at the older man quickly before crossing the room and taking a seat on the couch. “Got any bourbon?”

Figuring it would probably be easier for both of them to have this conversation with the help of a little liquid courage, Mac nodded and walked over to his small bar area. Pouring each of them a healthy glass of the amber liquid, he headed back to the couch, offering Don the drink before taking a seat on the other end of the sofa.

Drinking silently for a few moments, Mac thought Don was never going to speak, before the younger man finally looked at him. “I know you didn’t kill Clay Dobson. I don’t think I ever said that. No, I know I never said it. But I know you Mac, and I know you’re not that kind of man. I’m sorry that I let you go this long thinking otherwise.”

Feeling a lot of the pain and doubt he’d been carrying around for weeks lift, Mac looked Don in the eye, “Why did you?”

Sighing, Don rubbed a hand over his face, “Because of Dean Truby. After Truby’s arrest, going in to work each day was hell. No one did anything obvious, but I could see it in their eyes, Mac. They blamed me, even more than they blamed you, for Truby’s arrest. Felt somehow I’d betrayed my fellow officers, even though Truby was the dirty cop. And I hated it, Mac. Hated feeling like a traitor in my own house, and knowing there was nothing I could do about it. And it was easier to take it out on you.”

Don downed the rest of his scotch, placing the empty glass on the table, before continuing. “When Clay Dobson’s body fell from that roof, pretty much right before my eyes, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what happened, but I never, not for one second, thought you’d intentionally thrown him from the roof. I figured that maybe, maybe there was an altercation and he’d somehow fell. But then I saw the cuffs, and I knew even that wasn’t possible. It didn’t add up and I couldn’t reconcile that with the man that I know you to be.”

Mac took in everything Don had told him so far, truly relieved that Don hadn’t ever doubted him, but still unsure why he’d acted the way he had these last few months, “Then why? Why didn’t you ever say that? Why let all this, I don’t know, tension build up over the months?”

Don stood and walked over to the window, standing their silently for a long while. Finally breaking the silence, “Because I wanted you to know how it felt, Mac. Wanted you to know what it felt like to have your friends and coworkers doubt you. I hated myself for it, I really did. But that’s the truth. I wanted you to hurt as much as I did, so I let you think the worst. I let you believe that I saw you as a murderer.”

Mac couldn’t breathe for a moment, the pain of the truth almost unbearable. But instead of wallow in it, or lash out because of it, Mac chose to push it away.

It would be easy to lash out at Don for what he’d done. Too easy. But the truth is that in many ways, Mac had asked for it. He’d known that Don was having trouble in the aftermath of Truby’s arrest. He’d known and he hadn’t done anything about it. Sure, there wasn’t much he could do about other people’s reactions, and even if he could’ve, Don wouldn’t have wanted him to. Don was a proud man and he wouldn’t have wanted Mac fighting his battles. But Mac could’ve offered support in other ways, and he hadn’t.

So really, Don’s reaction when the shoe was on the other foot, when Mac needed the support he’d never once offered Don, it was pretty understandable.

Sighing, Mac stood and walked over to Don. “Don, please look at me.”

After a few moments hesitation, Don finally turned to look at Mac.

“I’m sorry.” Mac said once Don looked him in the eyes. 

“What? Mac, you have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have doubted you.” 

“You didn’t. I know that now. And I should never have acted so nonchalant about the whole Truby thing. I knew how people were treating you at work, I heard all the whispers. But I never stepped in and said anything.” 

“I’m a grown man, Mac. I didn’t need you stepping in for me.” 

“I’m not saying that you needed me to Don. But I should’ve been there for you. If not on the job, then I should’ve been there for you off the job. And I wasn’t. I just expected you to understand and accept what I’d done, without really taking into account how everything had to affect you. It’s no wonder you lashed out when you had the chance. I don’t blame you.” 

“But I blame me, Mac. I should’ve said something all those nights we lay next to each other, barely touching because of all the crap standing between us. I shouldn’t have let it get this bad.” 

“We shouldn’t have let it get this bad Don. We’re both to blame. And we’re both sorry for it. But I think the best thing to do now is to just put it past us and move forward.” 

“Together?” Don asked, uncertainty written across his face. 

Reaching up to caress Don’s cheek, Mac smiled slightly, “Together. As long as that’s what you still want.” 

“It is, Mac. Even with everything going on, I never stopped wanting you. Never stopped loving you.” 

Smiling for real this time, Mac leaned in to kiss Don, moaning as the younger man opened to the kiss immediately. The kiss went on for several minutes, both men reacquainting themselves with the other, before they pulled apart for a much needed breath. 

“I love you too, Don.” Mac whispered, as he leaned in to the younger man, reveling in the feel of Don’s arms around him. 

“Come on Mac. Let’s go to bed. I haven’t really been sleeping too well without you there with me.” 

“Me either. But I really need a shower." Mac chuckled, looking up at Don, "You want to join me?” 

Don leaned in quickly, stealing another kiss, before smiling against Mac’s lips, “I’d love to.” 

~*~ 

Later that night, lying in bed with Don wrapped around him, snoring softly in his ear, Mac knew things would be alright. 

It was a given that they’d have more disagreements in the future, their strong personalities pretty much guaranteed it. But Mac was certain that, if nothing else, these last few months had taught them a valuable lesson. And there was no way either of them would let things get this bad between them again. 

Sighing happily, deeply content now that they were both back where they belonged, Mac closed his eyes and drifted to sleep. 

THE END