Title: Variations on a Song
By: Valerie
Pairing: Mac/Danny & Don/Charlie (Numb3rs) & Gil/Nick
Warnings: Adult Situations, Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, m/m, suicide/mention of
Summary: Challenge Fic: Three ficlets on the song 'Precious' from Depeche Mode. Each ficlet is its own story... Fandoms are: CSI NY, CSI and Numb3rs.

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Depeche Mode

Song 1: Mac and Danny... My god what have we done to you

Please be alive...

Please be alive

Three simple words that repeated themselves in Mac's mind like a constant prayer over and over as he drove over to Danny's apartment with the blaring sirens on and with a speed that would have scared him had his mind not been taken over by the single phone call he'd received not even five minutes ago.

"Mac, it's Don... I'm at Danny's..."

The way Flack's voice had broken, had made his blood run cold and for a moment he had wanted to throw the phone away. He hadn't though, steeling himself as he told the other man that he was on his way and there he was now, sitting in the car praying to God that Danny was alive, that it wasn't as bad as Flack's voice had made it sound.

It wasn't and yet it was. Danny was alive, but looking at the pale face, the broken eyes that once had held a joy for live in them, was harder than anything else. And yet...

Danny was alive.

It was the mantra Mac clung too as he grabbed his phone to call another CSI team to search the flat and perform the investigations. He knew that neither he nor his team would be able to process this scene. It was too close, too personal for all of them, but especially Mac. But before he could even touch a button, a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Dammit Flack, what are you doing, I need to get a CSI team in here asap, they have to search the scene and anyway, why aren't there more officers?"

Don's sad eyes made him pause and as the younger man continued to just look at him he slowly trailed off, turning around and finally looked at the flat, really looked at it.

"There is no crime scene Mac."

The words registered in his brain, but their meaning didn't until Mac got himself under control and looked around, saw the pool of blood right next to the phone, saw the dark drops that led from the bathroom to the living room and he started to understand then.

"Danny, he wouldn't... no..."

His words were mere whispers of disbelief and pain, but Flack didn't give him any respite instead just spoke again.

"Danny called me right after he'd cut himself. He told me he didn't want to wait for the one mistake that would break the camel's back and he wanted to say good-bye."

This time the words hit right on target and Mac felt himself crumble next to the detective as his legs gave way and clutching his phone as if it were a lifeline he whispered silent ancient prayers that he hadn't known that he still knew them. Anything, he swore silently anything but please spare Danny. Please don't make me lose another loved one...

"Mac, I'll drive you to the hospital ok?"

He nodded numbly, didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do just got up and followed as if on auto-pilot. Flack got him into the car and as they drove to the hospital where the paramedics had taken Danny, Mac suddenly shivered violently.

"I told him that, I told him that one day he would make one mistake I couldn't overlook and that I would have to fire him then..."

He expected repercussions from the confession, but instead Don's eyes searched his warm and somehow understanding.

"Danny didn't do it to punish you, Mac believe me on this, the last thing, Danny wanted was for you to suffer."

There was more to those simple words that Don said, but Mac was too far gone to notice the undertone, too hard pressed to keep at least a semblance of his legendary self control. All he could do was sit in silence and not scream at God and the world why they could do this to him again? And yet at the same time he knew that he had done this himself.

Claire's death... that he wasn't to blame for, but Danny? If Danny died, how would he be able to go on? How could he go back as if nothing had happened, when he knew deep down, that he could have prevented this, that had he just become human for only a short moment, Danny had not been completely broken?

"Mac"

Don's voice again was breaking through his cloud of self remorse and guilt. He looked up and saw a doctor standing next to them.

"Mac Taylor?"

He nodded.

"You are Mr. Messer's emergency contact, you can go and see him for a short moment."

He looked at Don, who made a shushing movement with his hands and then leaned against the wall, arms crossed clearly waiting for Mac to go through that door and see Danny.

"How is he?"

He didn't dare to look towards the white bed that held the one he loved so desperately. Instead he fixed his eyes on the doctor who shrugged with deep concern.

"He lost a lot of blood, we got him stable, but in the next twelve hours pretty much anything can happen."

A soft touch on his elbow led him towards the bed then and he sat down in the visitor's chair staring at the pale face, the deadly white face of Danny Messer. His hand shook as he grasped the cold hand that was lying lifelessly on the white sheet and pressed it against his lips.

"Don't let go Danny, please, don't... don't die"

He wanted to hate how his voice broke at those few desperate words, but as he got no reaction from the still body in the bed, he swallowed his pride and let go of his control as tears flooded his eyes and ran over his face.

"My God, Danny what have we done to you? Why didn't I see, why was I so blind?"

Pressure was on his hand now and as he opened his eyes he found Danny looking at him the green-blue eyes large in the pale face. The younger man swallowed a couple of times, before he finally managed to speak. His voice was raw and it almost hurt Mac to listen, yet he didn't stop Danny just kept on caressing the beloved face.

"Mac, don't blame yourself... don't feel guilty... it was always me, I... I just wasn't strong enough."

The fact that Danny still took the blame on his own shoulders, that even now lying in the bed close to death he wasn't willing to blame Mac... It made Mac tremble with hurt and slowly he leaned in kissing the cold lips.

"You are strong enough Danny please; you have to make it through. There is so much for you to live for; there is so much I want to show you... God Danny... I love you."

There was wonder in Danny's eyes then and he smiled as he weakly reached out and caressed Mac's face.

"You love me?"

The surprise in his voice hurt more than Mac could have said and any words he wanted to say got stuck in his throat. Again he leaned in, yet this time he just rested his forehead against Danny's still praying that the younger man would pull through.

"Fight Danny, fight for yourself, fight for us please"

He had wanted to say it with force, make sure that Danny understood the command behind it, but the way it came out was a plea, yet as Danny's eyes turned brighter with life, Mac saw that the younger man had heard and listened.

"Speed?"

Danny's question made him jerk back and he saw how Danny looked at someone behind him, terror lurking at his spine, he turned around and saw nothing but emptiness. He understood and immediately held onto his beloved.

"No, Danny, no... fight, fight him... don't..."

But he could see the light fading from Danny's eyes, felt how the pulse in the hand he held so tight slowed until Danny looked at him once again, eyes dull now and yet still full of love.

"I love you Mac... One day, I will wait for you."

---

The day they buried Danny was one of those crispy cold, yet perfect New York autumn days. Mac was glad that the dark shades of his sunglasses covered any tears that glittered in his eyes. There were few people at the grave and he was thankful for the soothing presence of the red head next to him. Horatio was wearing his sunglasses as much as a shield against the sun as against the world and for the first time in his life, Mac understood why.

He went through the motions and as he watched the mourners walk away he turned to Horatio.

"How did you go on?"

Horatio didn't smile; instead he turned his head towards the now empty graveyard and swallowed harshly.

"I went on living as if nothing had changed with one thought keeping me alive."

Mac saw the deep sorrow and pain in Horatio and he knew that the other man's pain mirrored his.

"Which thought?"

Horatio turned back to him and took off his sunglasses. Mac saw the tears in the stunning blue eyes as the red haired man answered silently.

"That each day I live through brings me one day closer to seeing Speed again."

Song 2: Don and Charlie - I wish I could take the pain for you

All his life, Don had watched out for Charlie while Charlie had watched Don.

Don had been one of the first people he had seen as a baby and he had looked up to his big brother growing up until he had one day realized that Don looked up at him just the same. He had stopped looking up then and now saw Don as an equal, but still he couldn't stop watching his brother, looking at him, looking for him when he wasn't there and in the end he'd realized that he had started to unconsciously watch out for Don.

It hadn't stopped him from keeping watching Don and one thing he loved above others was watching Don sleep.

Asleep Don looked younger, almost as if the pressures and annoyances of the day wouldn't follow him into his dreams. The lines that creased his face after a hard day were smoothed out and all the pain that his brother saw and felt during the day were gone from the beautiful face.

There were other things that made Charlie watch his brother sleep and every time he did it, he was sure that the ancient mathematicians made a mistake when they designed the golden ratio.

According to the Egyptians, the two quantities were said to be in the golden ratio, if the whole (i.e., the sum of the two parts) is to the larger part as the larger part is to the smaller part. In other words if a plus b divided by a was the same as a divided by b, where a is the larger part and b is the smaller part.

Equivalently, they are in the golden ratio if the ratio of the larger one to the smaller one equals the ratio of the smaller one to their difference, so that meant if a divided by b equaled b divided by a minus b.

In his mind Charlie began to write the formula for the golden ratio, multiplying the first equitation with a/b and the second with (a-b)/b. Changing the letters a and b to the commonly known phi φ and finally solving the quadratic equitation and came up with the perfect number for phi:

1.6180333988

And yet looking at Don's face he knew that the perfect symmetry, the perfect mixture was not this number but the face of the person in front of him. He could spend hours just watching him no matter what his brother did, he watched him work, and direct other agents during their cases, take suspects down or question them in the interrogation room.

Awake Don was fierce and full of intensity. Asleep like now all that fierceness was toned down, softened by the vulnerability that sleep automatically gave every person. It made Charlie feel protective of Don, made him want to take away any pain that he felt, made him want to cradle his brother in his arms and kiss him, hold him close and shelter him with his body...

And that was the last reason why Charlie watched Don sleep; his desire for his brother was well hidden in his heart, kept at bay whenever he interacted with Don. But when Don slept, he could at least for a few seconds imagine that he were allowed to show his love for his brother, allowed to show how afraid he was every time Don strapped on his gun, allowed to take Don's pain away when his brother came home after a grueling case.

His hand trembled as he reached out and moved a stray hair from Don's face. Don moved into the touch and Charlie froze as his brother's eyes opened and looked straight at him.

"Charlie"

There were so many emotions behind this one word and he shivered at the longing he suddenly saw in Don's eyes. And yet he didn't dare to believe it, didn't dare to take this longing for real, because what if it wasn't? He withdrew his hand only to have Don reach out and stop him.

"Don?"

His brother was silent for a long time, just staring at him while their hands were still connected. Then finally Don shivered and pulled at Charlie's hand to draw him closer.

"I almost lost you today"

Charlie shivered at the underlying fear and terror in Don's voice. Yes it had been a close call, but how many of those had Don had in his live?

"I never wanted to cause you any harm and yet just being there almost killed you."

Don was fully awake now and yet his behavior was so different from the composed and capable brother that Charlie felt as if he had fallen into another universe. Don's hand reached out and caressed his face, no, he corrected himself, mapped his face. Soft fingers moving over his cheeks, his eyes, his lips then further down to his jaw, his neck until they rested on the spot where his blood pulsed close to the surface.

"You were never supposed to be in harm's way."

A song line flittered through Charlie's mind, a song that Amita had been humming all week.

Angels with silver wings shouldn't know suffering

Wasn't it typical for Don to immediately blame himself, to take all the pain from this case upon his own shoulders?

Charlie smiled softly as he reached out and caressed his brother's face in turn. He felt the small tremors that ran through Don at his touch and suddenly it was so easy to lean in and touch Don's lips with his for the first time. Don tensed for a second, then responded to the soft kiss and as he moaned the sound seemed to move through Charlie like a tangible caress.

"Let me take care of you tonight, let me love you like you deserve..."

Don shivered at Charlie's soft words, but followed him as he walked towards Don's bedroom. Their roles reversed completely to the reality of everyday lives and Charlie felt his heart race as he understood the trust and love his brother showed him by letting him lead.

"Let me take your pain away"

He slowly opened Don's shirt and with equally gently fingers divested him of his clothes. Don just looked at him, those dark eyes full of love and trust, but as Charlie leaned in to kiss the muscled chest, his brother stopped him.

"Please let me see you too"

A shiver went through Charlie at the husky, passion-filled voice of his brother and he undressed quickly, economically only to freeze under Don's gaze. He had never seen the dark eyes look at him like this, never seen them so blazing, so hot that they seemed to scorch him down to his soul. Finally Don held his hand out and pulled Charlie against his body.

"You have no idea how much I dreamed of this, no idea how long I've wanted this."

Don's hands were more active now, his brother's body moving with him. Charlie shivered as he felt al that strength that Don was tensely coiled under skin and without thinking he got up and went to Don's bathroom.

"Where you going?"

He didn't answer instead smiled when he found the lotion and came back with his treasure. Don was looking at him surprised and Charlie suddenly blushed as he realized what the lotion could be, probably would be used for too.

"You are tense, please Don, let me take this pain from you."

A shiver went through Don at the words and the soft touch on his shoulder, but he complied and turned onto his stomach. Yet just as Charlie started the gentle massage he had planned, Don murmured something.

"What did you say?"

Don turned around, his eyes serious as he looked at his brother.

"That this is supposed to happen the other way round. I should be the one taking care of you..."

Charlie put a finger to Don's lips and his brother fell silent. Softly he leaned in and kissed the spot where the two scapulas almost met and continued kneeding the tense muscles in Don's back.

"Out there Don, you take care of me out there."

Another kiss this time further down along Don's spine.

"Let me take care of you in here."

A shiver went through Don at the soft plea and as he turned around looking at Charlie, Charlie saw that his brother had understood.

"I love you."

Dark eyes lit up at the three words and Don turned his head again, relaxed and content.

Ready to let Charlie take away his pain.

--Song 3: Nick and Gil - Have faith in both of us

"Promise me, Nick say it, say I promise"

And he had said it. Had trusted him, trusted Gil instinctively to get him out, to keep him safe.

It was only later, when he had finally broken down in the silence of his town house, that Gil had acknowledged the gift that Nick had given him that night. Gil had cried then, something he hadn't done for a long, long time. But at the same time, he had felt strangely elated, it had been him that Nick had trusted, him Nick had had faith in.

He had almost lost the younger man and right then, still shivering with exhaustion and delayed fear, Gil had decided that Nick was worth the risk.

Smiling into the darkness, he looked at the sleeping man next to him and his thoughts went back to that morning, when he had finally scraped up the courage to go and talk, really talk to Nick.

---

"Nick, can I talk to you?"

Gil saw that Nick was pale and he sighed. Outwardly it seemed as if the younger man was cooping with the ordeal he'd gone through, but he didn't buy it. Nick was not sleeping, he was sure of that, the pale skin a testimony of the nights that tortured him with nightmares and painful memories.

He was working and his performance had not slipped, if anything he was even more determined to find the criminals, even more ready to work long hours, but while Gil would have seen that as a positive sign before, he now recognized it as the escape attempt that it was.

Nick was doing anything he could to avoid being alone, avoid having to sleep.

Gil was afraid that one day, the younger man would break down and collapse.

"Sure, what's up Grissom?"

He wasn't good with words, but he knew instinctively that he had only one chance to say this.

"Nick, have you slept at all since you came back to work?"

Nick tensed and immediately squared his shoulders and Gil realized that Nick expected to be ordered to stay at home. Dark eyes glared at him and he sighed again, before he sat down on the couch in his office and looked expectantly at Nick to join him.

"I won't tell you to go home and only come back once you've slept. But Nick, you can't go on like this, it is killing you."

And that simple fact was killing him.

Nick sat down tentatively and for a moment Gil could still see the tension in his body, before the younger man almost deflated and a shiver ran over his body.

"I can't Grissom, when I close my eyes I am back there... I... I am so afraid of waking up and it was all just a hallucination and I am still there."

The pain in Nick's voice was terrible and the fear cut Gil deep. He didn't think for once, just reached out and took one of the cold hands into his. Surprised Nick looked up and for a second Gil wondered if he was about to make a mistake, then though he caressed the hand he held softly.

"Do you think it would help if you were not alone?"

For a moment there was a complete and tense silence in the room, then though Nick looked up.

"I am not sure."

And Gil saw the fear warring with trust in the chocolate eyes. It was enough for him to reach out and cup Nick's face with one hand.

"Have faith in us Nick."

---

Of course the nightmares had not disappeared, just because Nick had moved into Gil's guestroom, neither had they stopped when they had given up on the pretense of just being friends and moved on to the next stage of being lovers.

But whenever things had gotten rough, when he had woken up in the middle of the night and seen Nick frozen in the throws of a nightmare, whenever he had seen Nicky in his dreams and had woken up to an equally distraught man soothing him... They had always held onto that one sentence that he had told Nick in his office.

'Have faith in us'

It hadn't been much that he had been able to give Nick all those months back, but looking back Gil understood that those four words had been all Nick had needed to hear.

All he had needed to have...

Someone who loved him, someone who trusted him, someone who had faith in him and someone he felt all three things for in return.

Softly caressing the sleeping man next to him, Gil leaned over and kissed Nick's forehead.

"Thanks for having faith in us."