Title: VSI: Vice Stage Interrogation
By: Mickeylover303
I suppose all of my CSI fics (so far) are practically crack!fics. Which I guess is a bit unusal. I do have this nice, long one, full of angst. But it was only to beget another silly idea.
This came from watching "The Finger", which is a great episode, and "Stalker" immediately after. I'm supposed to being doing a tag for Nick and Greg's car scene in "Identity Crisis" (my first challenge), but surprisingly, nothing came to me. Oh well, this is my celebratory fic, as I just received season two in the mail. And I finished ripping season one.
Disclaimer: Don't own them. If I did, it would be called NGI, not CSI. And the cereal (which I don't own, either - alongside any other brands) reference is for another story.
Warning: Seriously, pure unadultered silliness. My worst, yet.

***

"No, Nick"

"But Greg-"

"For the last time, I said no. What part do you not understand?"

"Look, it's only for two more hours, and I don't know when it's coming on again. So please-"

"Sounds like a personal problem to me."

"Why can't you go upstairs and watch it?"

"There's no cable upstairs."

"And whose fault is that?"

"You didn't mind the game room idea."

Nick actually did like the game room idea. If only to beat Greg on the big screen. And even if satellite was cheaper, he wasn't going through that, again. Call him paranoid, but this time he installed the cable himself. With Greg's help, of course.

But it seemed like the other man wasn't going to give in anytime soon. Time to take decisive action.

"I thought you didn't like the couch."

Greg gave him a sombre expression. "Sometimes, there are certain sacrifices we have to make in life."

"Greg, you're lucky it's a commercial."

"It's three hours long and VSI is coming on in a few minutes."

"I don't even know why you watch it. It severely mocks our profession and to be frank about it, it's pure crap."

"Only because it's beyond your scope of understanding."

"Now look here-"

"Why don't you tape it?" Even though Greg wore such an inspired expression, Nick saw the sarcasm coming at him. Full speed, too.

"Oh wait, we don't have TiVo".

"We barely watch TV, and it would have been a waste of money." Especially considering the fact that Greg had a huge pay reduction.

"That's why we're not fighting over who gets to watch it now."

"Greg, come on. We're not fighting." Nick looked at Greg with the utmost compassion in his eyes. Gone as quickly as it had come. "You're just not listening to reason."

"Nick, I told you I was going to watch the season finale of Vice Stage Interrogation four weeks ago. Four." Greg's looked at Nick pointedly. His hand in Nick's face, displaying four fingers. Thumb tucked securely within his palm. "I'm not going through this, again."

"Greggo…"

"Get Archie to download it or something, because I'm not budging."

"Then I'm sorry, but I'm not budging, either."

"You're just trying to stop me from finding out what happens to Nate and Gary." Greg looked at Nick with the beginnings of one the most discerning pouts. But no arms were crossed.

Yet.

"Who?"

"You know them. Caren, Gilbert, Wilson, and Sasha, too. Especially since Gilbert and Sasha have been flirting with each other all season. And it's practically been building since their first appearance together."

Greg was starting to get excited, and this was definitely not the time. Yeah, he liked to see Greg excited, but it usually led to him becoming excited, too. And that eventually led to other things where they could "share" said excitement.

No. Nick had to hold firm in his resolve. Think of the birds.

"We're - we being the fans - waiting to see what happens. And Caren and Wilson? After Wilson got married to Terry, there's still that chemistry between them. And of course the writers are never going to do anything about it."

Nick tried to watch dispassionately as Greg's hands began to move in time with his mouth. Always expressive in every thing he does, Nick knew exactly how expressive Greg's hands could be.

The birds, Nick. What would the birds do?

"But I'm waiting to see what happens to Gary and Nate. After Gary almost drowned when the lab flooded-"

"Greggo, listen to yourself. What kind of lab floods?"

"The one on TV?" Nick was happy to note that Greg had finally stopped moving his hands. But was a bit concerned with the other man's response.

"It's not healthy to talk about them like you know them."

"It's about as healthy about knowing the mating patterns of Puffins."

"You know there's a lot you could learn from them." Nick ignored the blatant incredibility now featured on Greg's face." Anyways, we saw your show last Friday."

"And it was a rerun. No one told you to watch it with me."

"What are you doing?" Nick watched curiously as Greg dug from something from underneath the couch.

"Something I should have done a long time ago."

"What are you hiding in the couch? Why am I even asking? Is that...You know I hate that stuff."

"I know, Nicky. It's either this or the Discovery Channel. Which one don't you want more?"

"I can't believe you're threatening me with peanut butter."

"Turn it back, Nick, or I'm staining this couch forever."

It was one of those rare moments, where Greg was actually serious. Nick proceeded with the utmost caution. "All right, let's calm down, Greg. Put the Skippy, down." Nick stared at the jar filled with, what he deemed as, one of the nastiest substances he had the misfortune to encounter. "Away from the couch."

"Not this time, Nicky. We're doing it my way."

"Okay, let's compromise...Wait, don't take off the cap."

"Like this, Nicky?" Greg slowly unscrewed the cap, his fingers tickling the ridges. And Nick may have even imagined how those long fingers felt on his skin if the situation weren't so dire.

"Don't you put your finger in there." Despite his protests, Nick could only watch as Greg completely submerged his finger in the peanut butter, too afraid his interference would make the situation worse. He could imagine trying to detain the jar from Greg, only to have the evil brown matter fly across the room. Managing to cover every thing in its path.

He looked at Greg pleadingly, but was only returned a smirk that was completely sinister in nature. As they looked at one another, a tense silence carried the two men. Both wary of the other's intentions.

The sheer awkwardness of the moment interrupted only by the ringing of Nick's cell phone.

"Stokes."

"Yeah. Uh-huh." He looked at Greg, who had begun to swirl his finger in the jar. Releasing a loud sigh affected by Greg or the speaker on the phone. Probably both. "We'll be right there. Yeah. See you."

"Looks I get to watch VSI, after all, while you miss your Puffin party." Greg cackled triumphantly. He was ecstatic that he wouldn't miss his season finale. And Nicky would get his Cocoa Puffs for wanting to watch some bird documentary.

"I guess you didn't hear me. We're both needed."

"What?"

And Nick's flawed imagination had suddenly come to life. He watched in abject horror as Greg stood from the couch, completely negligent of the object falling quickly from his hand. Nick's mouth hung open in utter disbelief, as he was powerless to stop the following events.

The open jar of peanut butter hitting that hideous rug, the force of the impact causing some of the contents to splatter. Unto the rug, the television, and finally the couch.

Albeit the damage was done by less than a spoonful of the substance, it had made its notorious presence known on the couch. And in the same spot where Nick had been sitting only moments prior.

"Greg."

"I told you we've should have bought TiVo."