Title: Walls of Ice
By: alucardskitten
Pairing: Danny Messer/ Mac Taylor
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Note: Dedicated to Jilly, because she wanted some smut.
Summary: "˜Washes the ground with so many tears.' Based on the song Scarborough Fair-Canticle by Simon and Garfunkel. Slash. Angst.

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He couldn't recall an occasion... not one... where he had actually cried. Not when he had watched innocent men get gunned down when he was such a young man... not even when Claire's life had been taken away from him so cruelly and way too early. Simply, this was proving to be way too much for him. It had all started with the Dirge case. Kevin and Kimberly Dirge were the son and daughter (respectively) of Allan Dirge, the CEO of a huge corporation. They were twelve and nine respectively and they had both been kidnapped from the mall where their nanny had taken them for the afternoon. It would not have been so bad, he assumed, if it hadn't been so near Christmas. They had been snatched from the mall on December 21st and the call had come in almost immediately... and as everyone knows the first 24 hours on any crime scene is crucial... even more so in a kidnapping case. But whoever had done this had been very, very slick... because there were no traces of anything. There were no finger prints, no distinguishing marks on the ransom note, nothing. However, being the businessman he was... Allan Dirge refused to pay the ransom... instead he put his faith in the New York Police Department. But even Mac, such a skilled investigator, could find no trace of either child. After the first seventy-two hours it was pretty much a bust, but Mac had been positive that they were still alive and that he would be able to find them. It was now the 23rd of December and things weren't looking very good. Then suddenly there was a breakthrough, the kidnapper sent another note telling where the ransom drop-off was to be. So, being the good cops they were, they all decided to go undercover. The date was set for the 25th of December, but that note kept Mac's hope that the kids were alright alive.

Christmas morning was cold, even for New York, and eerily quiet as they went on the outskirts of Manhattan to make the drop. When they got to the drop point there were two beautifully wrapped six foot by six foot packages. A feeling of cold dread filled Mac's stomach as he got out of the Envoy. There was no one around... and he was beginning to feel, with some certainty, that this hadn't been a drop at all... more like an excuse to get someone out here. As much as he wanted to tear open the paper and see what was inside, his investigator side told him to follow procedure. He immediately taped off the area as a crime scene and he put on his gloves, carefully removing the bows and paper as not to rip anything and possibly destroy some trace evidence. He knew something had to be there because of Locard's Exchange Principle. When he had removed the paper from around the packages, he realized that they were coffins... expensive ones from the looks of it. They were both sleek and black and Mac knew he would have to print it... but his priority for now was to open them. He closed his eyes to steel himself for what was in there. Then, he opened the first coffin. It was as he feared... Kevin Dirge was in the coffin. There was a bullet wound between his eyes, stippling around the wound, and blood spatter on the coffin. He breathed in deeply and moved to the next coffin... inside he found Kimberly Dirge... and saw she had received the same treatment. It had stuck with him; even months later where they still had no leads.

That was just a first... where it had all started. Over the past several months each case had been hitting him harder and harder and he wondered if it had to do with age, but he knew the true reason. For too long he had kept so many things bottled inside of him. From those deaths a long time ago in Vietnam... to the death of his beloved wife... and the death he saw day in and day out at his job had finally gotten to him. He had bottled the emotions he had pushed back for so long. Soon he just pushed everything out of his mind, because it became too hard to sort through the emotions and pull out the correct one. Some would say he had become soulless... but the depths of torture that echoed in the distant recesses of his mind shone through his eyes and were as clear as day to anyone who looked. But seldom anyone did... and those who did indeed look... they never looked close enough. So, that was how he had gotten to here... sitting in a bar that smelled like stale smoke and vomit and even staler beer... a bar where no one knew him and he was sure no one ever would as he blended in with the countless other souls who had come to drown their sorrows... with silent tears streaming down his cheeks and muffled sobs racking his body. Well... he *was* sure no one would recognize him... until the bell above the door tinkled a new arrival and even in the dim and scuzzy light Mac could tell who it was. The profile was so familiar that he drew in a deep breath and hoped to god that the man wouldn't recognize him. He felt dirty and sleazy in this bar, sucking down cheap beer and crying like a baby. But those blue eyes caught his own and a wave of sympathy rolled in them that made Mac take in a shuddering breath and have no choice but to wave him over. The man grabbed his drink and sat down across from him. He made no overtures of conversation, just sipped his beer and studied him with a gaze so intense as it had been perfected from too many crime scenes. Mac tried to ignore those ice blue eyes boring into his soul it felt like. It was a penetrating gaze that he felt could see all the way into the most hidden desires in his mind. The other man licked his lips.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked all of a sudden, his thick New York accent breaking the sort of strange trance-like state Danny's eyes had put Mac in. Mac took in a sharp breath and looked startled, his eyes which had been half closed opened wide as he looked at Danny. Their eyes met and for one brief moment, Mac thought about spilling everything to Danny... every doubt and insecurity... every ounce of pain he felt for the victims and for himself... but Mac had to force himself to look away and once that connection was broken... so was his desire. He waved his hand dismissively and shook his head in a silent rejection. Danny merely nodded and looked down into his mug of beer, tracing senseless patterns into the icy frost and condensation on the outside of the glass. He placed both hands on the tabletop after a moment... and just stared into his mug of beer like the amber liquid held the answers to life's most difficult questions. Mac wrung his hands together nervously as his beer mug was empty and he had nothing to distract him now. His tears had started falling again and he couldn't help it anymore. The alcohol had finished breaking down his inhibitions.

"All my life... I built these walls of ice around me." He said softly. "And now I'm in the line of fire and they're breaking down." He said. And Danny's soul cried out because it was so sad and poetic. He looked up from his mug though and watched Mac, blue eyes flickering over him intently. He waited for him to say something again. "It's like that song..." He started again. "'And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten...' what do I keep fighting for, Danny? I've... I've lost everything that meant something to me." He admitted, his body shaking again with years of pent up rage and frustration and sadness. Danny didn't know what to do at first, so he left his seat and slid into the booth next to Mac and rubbed his back gently, trying to comfort him. The tears and shaking became worse and his sobs weren't quiet anymore.

"It's okay, baby... let it all out." Danny encouraged him and kept rubbing his back to keep him grounded. Mac sobbed and shook for the better part of fifteen minutes, just releasing years of tears. Mac turned so he was facing Danny; he looked so vulnerable with his tear streaked face and red puffy eyes. Danny cupped Mac's cheek in his hand and brushed his thumb across his cheekbone. "Its okay baby lets get you home." Danny said and he slid out of the booth... helping Mac to his feet and paying the bartender ignoring Mac's protests. He helped Mac out to his car and was pleased to see that Mac had taken a taxi out here. The spring night was sticky and humid on the drive from the bar to Mac's place. Danny had parked the car and decided to walk Mac to his apartment... more to make sure that he went inside and got in bed as opposed to leaving and going back to the bar... he was sure Mac had had quite enough. They stopped in front of his door and Danny bade Mac goodnight and turned to walk away. A firm grip on his wrist stopped him.

"Stay with me tonight." Mac asked, sounding meek and depressed... sounding so lonesome and scared that Danny couldn't refuse. He nodded and turned back around, his eyes meeting Mac's once again. Mac's eyes shone with so much emotion that if Danny had been able to refuse before, he definitely couldn't now. He nodded again and Mac let them in the apartment. It was very Mac. It was clean, pristine... almost not lived in. But there were touches of the man who called it home. There were no photographs, but there were forensic magazines littering the coffee table... and a book on trace evidence collection techniques opened on the kitchen table as well as a notebook with neatly penned notes. The apartment didn't look extremely lived in, but it exuded Mac from every pore. From the faint scent of Old Spice lingering in the air to the numerous forensic related stuff on the tables and on the bookshelves. He smiled at it, a faint smile that was overshadowed by the oppressive weight of the pain that hung in the air like smog. Danny walked Mac to his bedroom and looked away politely as he disrobed. He licked his lips.

"If you need anything... I'll be on the couch." He said reassuringly. He moved back into the living room and laid on Mac's couch. The clock was saying it was 1 A.M. Danny flipped on Forensic Files and kept the volume down. The next thing he was aware of was that damn Psychic program and Mac sitting on the couch, watching him sleep. He jumped a little and cussed.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed, focusing on the clock. It was only a little after 2 A.M. Mac looked down at the ground, ashamed and looking sorry.

"I... I couldn't sleep. Nightmares." He explained briefly, still looking at the ground. "I... I was wondering if you'd lay with me...?" He asked, his voice had dropped and his tone had taken on a little boy lost overture. Danny nodded.

"Sure." He said softly. He stood up and clicked the television off. He followed Mac into his bedroom and shed his button-down shirt and work pants. He felt exposed in just his boxers and undershirt, but he couldn't very well sleep fully clothed. Mac was in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms that clung in all the right places... and Danny couldn't help but stare... if his observation was correct... that was *all* Mac was wearing. Danny crawled into the bed, covering himself up because Mac's room was chilly with the air conditioning on. Mac closed the bedroom door and shut off the light. Danny took off his glasses and set them on the bedside table. As his vision focused on not being corrected and to the darkness, Danny felt the bed press downward as Mac crawled in. He too burrowed under the covers and Danny was suddenly and intimately aware of the heat radiating off of his companion. For Danny, it had been too long since he had shared a bed... and even longer since he had shared it with someone as radiant and compelling as Mac. Mac was rolled over on his side, facing away from Danny and he was sure that if Mac wasn't already asleep... then he was watching some painted out scenario on the otherwise blank wall. Danny was facing the ceiling but then he turned, facing the same way Mac was. He knew he shouldn't do this because now he was aroused and aching... but he moved ever so slightly and spooned behind Mac, wrapping an arm around him deftly to help block out the nightmares. Mac made a small sound and pushed back into Danny's more than willing embrace. Danny began to stroke his hand up and down Mac's abdomen and chest, feeling the hair that curled around there. He buried his nose into the crook of Mac's neck and breathed in the scent deeply. He loved this... it was so comfortable and erotic. His arousal grew noticeably and he heard Mac let out a small moan. Danny flushed and tried to move away. Mac shifted, turning so he was nose to nose with Danny... and then he kissed him... hot and hard. The kiss soon turned soft and gentle as Danny began to rub Mac's back gently... more than just friendly strokes from before though. These were grasping and needy... wanting and begging. Mac was a little surprised at first at the emotions Danny could convey with just a few well placed scratches and moans, but it wasn't long before Danny was kneeling between his legs, kissing him soundly while rubbing their still clothed erections together. Mac whimpered as Danny teased him, but Danny pulled away and pushed the clothe of Mac's pajama pants out of his way to shove his hand into Mac's pants and jerk him awkwardly from the angle he was at. Mac could sense his discomfort, but didn't have the will or desire to stop Danny from what he was doing. It wasn't long before he felt the cool air hit his fevered body and Mac realized that sometime in all of that... Danny had removed his pants.

Danny was stroking Mac's hips and making little sounds of approval as he gazed at the now completely exposed body of his boss and soon to be lover. He leaned down to suck on Mac's hip, sighing with contentment as he tasted the salty skin there. He trailed his kisses lower, licking teasingly at his thigh. Mac let out a low seductive growl and Danny licked teasingly at the tip of his erection which was oozing pre-cum. Mac let out a surprised and sharp gasp and his hips bucked up a little bit. Danny planted his hands firmly on Mac's hips and held him down, licking and suckling at him in a teasing fashion, watching Mac struggle to get more and squirm beneath him. He finally couldn't deny himself any longer and he took Mac's erection into his mouth, inch by inch. Mac let out another surprised gasp as he watched himself disappear into Danny's eager mouth. Danny worked him expertly, combining deft hand movements and things with his tongue Mac barely had a mind dirty enough to *dream* about. So, it came as a great shock to make when suddenly he felt one slightly slicked finger start to tease and stretch him, seeking entrance. Mac loosened his body as best he could, willing for Danny to make love to him and so overwhelmed with sensations he wasn't sure how long he was going to last. Another finger joined the first... and Mac found himself getting lost in the sensations... he was sure he was moaning now but he couldn't tell how loud. And then all of the sensations stopped. Danny had begun to reposition himself. In Danny's mind, two fingers were enough because he couldn't bear to hold on any longer.

When Danny sunk into Mac, inch by inch, it felt like some small part of his soul was completed. The feelings that raged inside him were so strong and powerful it was like his own private utopia. He fit inside Mac like they were two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle finally put together by the steady hand of fate. Danny cried out as he finally had himself seated all the way inside Mac. Mac's body was trembling beneath his and one look down into Mac's eyes revealed that he felt the same thing that Danny had... that same completeness. In a blur, everything came into sharp detail and every feeling seemed to be heightened... and Danny began to move inside Mac, thrusting into him as slowly and sensually as he could. But his control couldn't last very long in circumstances such as these. Somewhere along the time they had started, Mac had begun to rake his fingernails down Danny's back. His breathing had become less steady, more erratic and shallow, and Danny began to thrust into Mac faster and harder until it felt so fast it was going at light speed. The rest of the world melted away and it was only him and Mac, combined in the most sacred of rituals. It felt more than just physical, it felt like their spirits had connected. It was over far too soon as Mac shuddered beneath Danny and he felt a warm splash across his stomach. Danny didn't last long after that and he filled Mac before collapsing on top of him, the orgasm sending little shockwaves of pleasure through him for a few minutes afterwards. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, Danny rolled off of Mac and watched him, blue eyes still dark with lust.

"Keep fighting for me, Mac. I love you." Danny said. Mac's eyes opened slowly. The pain wasn't gone but it had faded, a sparkle of love battling the darkness of a thousand tears.

"I love you too."

~Fin~

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