Title: Weak
Author: Nemi
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: FRT. If even that.
Category: Angst
Status: Complete
Archive: Sure, just credit.
Feedback: Welcomed like a mofo.
Email: vivisexsymbol@gmail.com
Series/Sequel: Nope.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Not sure I want them, either. The producers are handling them just fine as it is.
Spoilers: None. I think. Maybe a wee bit of general for s5. Hell, I haven't even seen it.
Summary: Sometimes, that's when Greg lets go, and that's when he cries.

Sometimes he just needs it.

It feels nice, sitting or standing, in silence, strong arms around him. Protecting him. Comforting him. Taking care of him. Occasionally he feels embarassed by this, feels like a sappy girl and hates himself for being such a weak pussy-ass, but in the end it feels too good and he allows himself to not care. He just needs to be held sometimes, that's all.

He wonders how he got along before Nick. Before the other man came into his life, and with him the relief of having all his problems and worries eased by simply being held. He can't really remember. He wonders if maybe he wasn't weak before? Maybe he didn't need to be held before? Or maybe he was just as weak then, he just didn't know it yet?

It can be for anything, too. Sometimes he'll just get blue for no reason, and being held helps. Sometimes he'll see something, hear something or read something that reminds him of a painful memory from his past; a family member dying, a pet being run over, something some kid at some school teased him about; everyday stuff that still stings in a ridiculous, weak way. Usually, though, it's when he's had a rough day at work. When he's seen mangled and tortured and dismembered bodies of children painting the streets red with their blood, suicides that tell stories so heartbreaking he's left with a lump in his throat for days, or coincidences leading to perfectly nice, innocent people dying because they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Greg is glad he was at the right place at the right time, unlike those people. Glad he ran into Nick just when he did, glad they kissed for the first time just when they did, glad he found Nick. He just wishes he wasn't so weak. Wishes he wasn't so affected by his bad days, grotesque days, horrible days, stressful days. Good CSIs leave their emotions at the door, that's what Grissom says. Good CSIs don't have rough days. Greg desperately wants to be a good CSI.

Whenever those rough days roll around, his heart is always burdened by too many thoughts, too many aches and pains, and sometimes he really wants to curl up in a corner and cry. That's when it feels good to be held. To come home to Nick, or have Nick come home to him, and just walk into his open arms and be held.

Nick is stronger than Greg. He's almost bulky with muscles and bone structure, where Greg is lanky and lean and almost too thin, and that only adds to the complete feeling of security Greg gets when the other man wraps his arms around him, bows his head and just holds on to him, like his life depended on it.

Sometimes, that's when Greg lets go, and that's when he cries. Lets his hurt and his weakness wash away with his tears, run down his cheeks and disappear in the soft fabric of Nick's shirt, soft shirt, old shirt, smells-like-Nick shirt. Other times, he doesn't cry, but bites his tongue to hold it in, decides that today he doesn't want to feel like a vulnerable, sappy girl. Doesn't want to be weak. But always, always, they remain silent and locked together as all the shackles around his soul, the clammy fingers around his heart, start to let go and he eventually feels better.

Then Nick kisses him and tells him he loves him, and things are okay until the next time he has a rough day, and he's weak all over again.

It makes him wonder how Nick does it. How Nick can continue to be there for him, silently approving, never turning him away and never making fun of him. How he can continue to be the strong one where Greg can't. Nick never has rough days that require holding. Nick never cries soundlessly into Greg's shirt, leaving salty wet stains behind. Nick never sits anxiously on the couch, waiting for the other man to come home just so he can be held. Nick never bites his nails, trying to be strong, only to crack as they crawl into bed for the night (day, really) and still wants to be held.

Nick is never weak.

Like Greg.

He asks Nick about it once, one time after the alarm clock has gone off and they're lying in bed, looking at each other with eyes still blurry with sleep. How can he be so strong? Or maybe it's just Greg who's weak?

Nick just looks at him and smiles that Nick smile, warm smile, tender smile, beautiful smile, closed mouth smile, that makes Greg want to smile right back at him and say sappy things that sappy girls usually do. Then Nick places a hand on his shoulder, skin warm against skin, and says "I'm not always strong, Greg. But things are easier, knowing that when I crack I can always come to you and be held."

And Greg looks at Nick, thinks that he loves him, and maybe Greg isn't as weak as he thought he was.

-end-