Title: When You're Gone
Author: White Rabbit
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Category: Angst
Warnings: Character death, general depression.
Spoilers: Lost Son
Rating: pg 16/maybe 17 Its basicly just over adult or just under that rating.
Pairing: Implied Speed/Eric
Summary: Do you see how much I need you right now?
Author's Note: Song-fic to Avril Lavigne's "When You're Gone", It wasn't the song but the music video that moved me to type this. Also is a change from my normal pairing because this one just screamed for me to type it. Now after having the words memorized(when I type song fics I normal have that one song on repeat.) I give you this story, I was so sad by the end of writing it.

***

I sit back in the kitchen chair, right now I need some alone time. Time where cases didn't come up, time when replacements were trying to worm there way in. I just need to think. I can still feel your touch ghosting my skin, your warm breath on my ears ticking it. The whispered promises. Remembering things like this comforts me, they also remind me of that day. When I think of it, it brings back tears, so many of them have fallen for you and many more will. I need your comforting touch, I'd never notice before how much I really needed you until you were gone. With out you here it feels like years have gone by. With out your cocky smile that warmed your eyes to help me with a really bad case, your eyes would always promise more, a promise I held you to every night. But now there's no warm smiles or eyes filled with promises, and I'm not sure I can get through the lonely days with out you. I've moved from the kitchen now, my eyes can still see the twin trails of clothing that lead to the bed room. Now, there were none, my clothing now stays were it belongs, in the hamper, there's no one here to undress me with the promise of a 'good' time. As I enter the bedroom my eye falls on the bed. One side was made up, the other a mess. Your side is still made up, like its waiting for your return. Waiting for you to walk in the door, drop your keys and complain on how hard the day has been, but then smile and be glad that you were able to stop another persons death. I can now feel the tears fall faster, I couldn't them stop even if I wanted to. I throw my self on the bed, not being pushed by you no, falling with out you there by my side. I grab my pillow to stifle the sobbing.

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

The pillow becomes wetter with my salty tears. I go through my memories, counting the kisses we shared, times we hug, the number of times we were so close to ending it. The times when you walked out the door from the living room to cool off. Sixteen steps. Fifteen to get to the door and one more to walk out the door. Every time you walked out I swore you were leaving me for good. Then I wished I could take everything back, unsay things that I never meant. I would brake down and start to cry. That how you'd find me when you'd get back with some kind of food. I'd be right where you left me crying my eyes out. You mean so much to me that I would brake down. As I lay here on the bed clutching the pillow for dear life I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting for you to walk back in the door with some kind of take out food. I'm waiting for you to draw me in to your arms and rock me back and forth. I'm waiting for you to whisper meaningless things in to my ears. I'm waiting for your deep baritone voice. The tears keep coming. Do you see it? Can you see how much I really need you? I really need your help, I don't think I can pull my self up after this.

My heart feels like there is a hole where you use to be. I know you'll always be there in my heart. But it feels like its been torn to pieces. I don't think I can put it all back with out losing something. I grab the picture that sitting on the night stand. Tears are still flowing, they don't seem like they are going to stop anytime soon. They fall on the glass protecting the picture. I bring my right hand to trace your face. My heart tugs , I miss your soft hair. Your slight stubble that would always leave your mark long after we stopped kissing. Your smile that was so warm it would lighten your eyes. I miss the words that will never be said again. The soft words that would spill from you lips. Your words no matter how harsh or loving were beautiful. Your voice relaxed me, made me believe that we were making a difference. That we weren't fighting a losing battle between crime. The words that I loved most of all were the ones that spilled out in your after sex glow. They weren't 'harder', 'faster', 'yes' or 'more', they were sweet nothings and promises. They were plans of our future. They were sweet butterfly kisses on my mind. I miss you so much.

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

Sometimes I swear that I can feel you lay down next to me and wrap you arms around me. I swear I can hear your breathing, but when I turn to face you your gone. I brake down and a little more of me dies. Its in everything I do. When I run a test on something I'm half expecting you to drag me back to a crime scene because something doesn't fit. I pass by the closet and I remember all the lunch brakes we took to see how edible each was. Something catches my eye in between the tears, pulling me from my thoughts of you. It was clothing in a pile. A pair of jeans and a forest green button up shirt that was pool by a chair. Its calling me so I get up from the bed. I pick them up. They were the clothing you were wearing the day before you left never to come back. I bring them to my nose as I sit back down on the bed. The smell of you rooted deep in to the fibers of the clothing. They draw me back in to my memories as I breath in deep. I feel you surround me. I loved when you looked up at me twisting your hands when you need to know if you had been forgiven. I loved how you knew just what I needed. I loved that you where a friend and a lover. I loved when you let out a soft moan before digging your nails in to my back when I hit just the right spot. I loved you, I still do. No matter what you did I loved it even if it was annoying.

It was fifteen steps to the door. That morning we walked those fifteen steps together. On the sixteenth one we both stopped, I stopped because you did. It was like you were giving it one last look, like you were never going to see it. That day we didn't leave angry, we left in love and happy. We walked out together my arm sling over your shoulder. Before you left for your crime scene I whisper a promise to met over lunch a 'discuss' our cases. If I had know, I think I would have made you check your gun, I think I would have said more. I need you so bad to tell me that you knew everything that we, I left unsaid. I really would have loved to meet your parents. I would have love for you to met mine. I was ready for our future together. Do you see that now that your gone I have nothing else. I need you so bad right now it hurts me so deeply. I continue to cry.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

Clutching your clothing for dear life, I feel that your there. My heart longs to be with you. But you're gone, and you took a large piece of my heart. I'm watching the picture now, your face immortalized in a broad smile. My arm is wrapped around your shoulder bringing your body close to me. Our heads are touching and the sun is hitting your hair in such a way, it almost looks like a halo is above your head. I just stare letting the tears make your face go blurry. I need you so bad, I need your warm presence. I need your words. I need everything to go back to before you left. I miss you.

We were made for each other. You completed me like not other person will or ever did. If I have to I will wait forever to be with you and only you. I know that we were soul mates, despite the disagreements, despite the fact we were both males, despite the fact that this was our first 'gay' relationship. I feel as if my world is going to fall apart. I need you .

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

The one thing about use was when I was going out with you I didn't have to fake it or pretend who I was. I was Eric, who like to go clubbing, however never brought a girl home screw her out side of the club. That's the one thing that changes I didn't need a nameless fuck when I was with you. I gave you my whole heart, I never lied to you, never had to you always saw right through them. I feel like I can't breath my chest tightens I feel like I'm going to die right here and I need you by my side. I can't do this alone.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK

I realize now you were my everything, my reason for being, how can I move on? Your face will always haunt me, always asking why I couldn't be there then you breathed you last. Horatio said you couldn't feel a thing, but that doesn't ease the pain. After seeing your body on the cold slab of metal cut open, I knew you were gone. I wouldn't hear your voice again, you lips were still and blue. The heart wasn't beating anymore, I had the perfect view of your inside and it didn't move. I felt so helpless. Your promise were all broken. Your words of comfort no long held the comfort with out your rich voice. Your side of the bed is so cold and your clothing seems to have lost your sent .

All I can think be fore crying my self to sleep is 'I miss you.'

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