Title: So, what is it with me?
Author: Dee
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4603
Pairings: None
Characters: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes and mention of the gang
Warnings: AU
Spoilers: Minor for lots of episodes across all seasons...all Nick related issues. Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Beta: jayceepat and podga for their invaluable help in the Americanisation of the fic and their insightful comments. I thank high_striker for his wonderful icons. I am indebted to them all. Any errors are mine.
A/N: This was written for the 'Only Nicky....' fic challenge for "Drop's Out ". I would like to dedicate this fic to jayceepat for all her work for me as a beta...even when she doesn't particularly like the pairing. (Weird I know!!) I waas going to post this in three parts but it lost the flow...so in its entirety....


Nick was determined. Nick was very determined. But Nick was apprehensive. Nick was very apprehensive.

He'd thought about this all shift; he'd mulled it over, looked at it this way; looked at it that way. It didn't really make much difference which way he'd looked at it, the view, his view, was always the same and the conclusion, based on the evidence he'd accumulated over many years, was always the same.

Gil Grissom, his supervisor, his boss, did not like him.

For a long time he'd thought he was just imagining things. For a long time he'd thought it was his fault. He had no idea what he'd done wrong. He'd spent so much time thinking about it he really believed he'd convinced himself he was paranoid....it was him and not Gil Grissom.

But he wasn't a kid, he was nearly forty, for chrissakes, and the 'great' man, Gil Grissom, still tried to reduce him to schoolkid status. He didn't do it with anyone else; he didn't treat anyone else in the entire lab with the same disrespect.

Well; the worm had turned. The camel's back had just had the last straw placed on it and any other metaphor he could think of to say that he'd had enough.

Enough.

On the last shift they'd lost - that was him and Brass - Drops....the guy they'd sprung...to help find a woman who was either the perp or the victim. Victim as it'd turned out.

They'd lost him but they'd found him, but not before Grissom had chewed his ass about losing him and, making sure he found him. That was 'his ass' and 'him' finding him. No mention of Brass. No mention that it was a cop matter not a CSI matter. Grissom had even ended the call while Nick was still speaking.

Nick had thought it all through and now he was walking towards the glass habitat of his supervisor. Funny how it reminded him of the very same glass habitats of his bugs. Grissom lived in the same sort of environment.

Nick arrived at the door and walked into the office. Grissom was at his desk with paperwork piled high around him. He didn't look as if he'd be leaving soon although their shift had ended.

"Gris..." Do I call him Gris...or Grissom? "...I need to speak to you."

"Hey Nick. Can it wait, I'm busy here?"

"No." Nick started as he now intended to finish – he wouldn't be deflected. He'd steeled his nerves and prepared his case. He would be heard today, now. He followed up his response to Grissom by turning and closing the door of the office. It was a door not often closed to the outside world.

Nick's action had caused Gil to sit back in his seat and remove his glasses. It was unusual; this was not part of Nick's normal pattern.

"What is it Nick? I am really busy."

"Not busy enough; I'm here to talk and I want some answers."

"Nick?"

Nick took hold of a seat slightly to the side of Grissom's desk, and pulled it towards the centre of the desk...not quite lined up in front of Grissom, but exactly where Nick wanted to be. He then sat down. His actions had been paced and unhurried. He settled in the chair, steadied his breathing and looked at his boss. Grissom was now looking back at him with a plainly quizzical look on his face. Nick was a now a puzzle and there was nothing Grissom liked more than a puzzle.

"I want to know, Grissom, what is it you don't like about me."

"What? Nick what on earth...?"

Nick held up his hand and smiled a pleasant smile. "I've worked with you and for you for eight years. It's gone fast man. Way back when you first trained me you used to be a regular guy and friendly an' all. Even when you first took the supervisor's job you were the same guy....but somewhere along the line something went wrong....quite early on and I would just like to know what it is...you know...put it into context, after all the years."

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about Nick. What's...?"

"Let me tell you about the latest incident, shall I...and then I can go back when I first remember it starting."

"Nick..."

"Let me finish Grissom...I've waited too long for this. Last shift when I went with Brass to get Drops out...I was responsible for the tagging and the equipment. I had nothing to do with the legal process for busting him, man; I was there for Brass. So the guy jams his transmitter and gets loose. Who do you call? Me. Not Brass...no one called Brass. The uniforms who were tailing us....no one called them but you called me...chewed my ass and hung up on me. Why me?"

"Well....the under-sheriff had seen me and asked me what had happened and told me to make sure Drops was found. So I 'phoned me...you're my staff, Nick."

"But Brass was the officer in charge, it was his overall responsibility...didn't you think that you should have told the under sheriff to tell Brass or tell the under sheriff that you would tell Brass. Wouldn't that have been protocol?"

"Well...under normal circumstances it would be but we wanted to get Drops back and as you were with Brass I thought I'd call you....."

"Not your friend, Jim Brass, who was in charge, but me - who was not."

"I think you're construing too much from this Nick...."

"Am I? Why did you hang up on me then...why not listen to what I had to say? You were not interested were you....you have no interest in me at all."

"Nick...don't be ridiculous, I...."

"Let me go back to the first time I noticed it...and I must say I didn't really notice it myself for some time, even after it first happened." Nick was on a roll. He had come to say his piece and he would say it. Gil Grissom would hear him out...even if he said nothing or denied it all...he probably would anyway, Nick would feel a darn sight better for getting it off his chest.

"Remember Any Hendler? She held a gun to my head while you busied yourself arresting her husband. You came back in and saved me....you probably saved my life. Did you ever mention it again? No. Even when it went to court you never made one remark to me about what had happened. Not once. Not one, 'okay Nick?' Not one, 'are you coping?'

"I thought it was a bit strange. You'd been really helpful to Warrick when he was involved in the investigation about Holly's death. He should have been fired, but you kept him on...so you can and do show some sympathy.

"I slept with the hooker though didn't I Grissom? And she ended up dead too....you didn't actually say I was stupid Grissom but it was plain for me to see and for everyone else to see what you thought about me.

"Different story about you though wasn't it....but of course Lady Heather didn't end up dead. You did spend the night with her though didn't you...the madam of the Dominion...you see I had to go back to check some stuff for Catherine, your truck was outside and the hooker, sorry, young lady on the door, said you were upstairs with the 'Lady' and had been there all night.

"Then there was the time Nigel Crane stalked me. I was real pleased to hear that you thought it wasn't personal to me...he murdered a beautiful young woman FOR ME...I thought it was pretty personal. He held a gun to my head too and he'd thrown me out of a window and you left me alone in the viewing room and went home. A nice tidy safe home...you left me here....didn't ask if I was okay with that...no....

"But then you hadn't visited me in hospital had you?"

Nick's delivery was steady and emotionless. He'd had a long time to become accustomed to Grissom's behaviour...he just thought it would be nice to know...to get to the bottom of the mystery. Nick could see that Grissom was listening intently now....he wasn't interrupting any more. He did look uncomfortable and Nick liked that. He liked that a lot.

"Now I know....and I will be forever indebted to you....that you found me when I was abducted by Walter Gordon. I know what you did for me and I don't underestimate it for one moment. But you never did come to visit me in hospital then, did you? They said you were processing the scene. You found the tape didn't you? Never told me about that.

"Did you know that I spoke into that tape; that I apologised to you when I thought I would die or that I would kill myself? I thought I was a disappointment to you. I still do, but it doesn't bother me any more.

"You never spoke to me about the abduction ever, did you? When Kelly killed herself you said to me, 'it's over'. Just that. Now you see if this was your normal I would perhaps understand, but what about Greg? He was beaten up pretty bad and you spent hours at the hospital with him. He hadn't been buried alive though, had he?

"Now...I could even accept that. Then Sara....rude and undisciplined...and don't get me wrong a good friend to me and a real good CSI...but I ain't ever been that bad with people.....and yet you sleep with her. A subordinate.

"Jesus, Grissom, the list is endless.....for every screw up I've made everyone else has made two. Catherine.....I can't begin to recount how many times and yet she can do no wrong. I thought with her and then Sara it was maybe a sex thing...you know they're women, and you cut them some slack. But it's Warrick and Greg as well....Warrick's done enough to be fired...and I know he's my friend but he's been close to the edge quite a few times and you've saved him...and I'm not saying you shouldn't have. But I can't help thinking if it'd been me....I'd have been left to fall.

"We got Drops back...me and Brass...and solved the case. It's my job and I love it, but for the life of me Gris, I don't think I could ever have given you any more. I've never needed to know about cows and their preferred drink, it's never cropped up....I know you recommended me, years back now, for a promotion...never came through though, did it....and I suppose now, in retrospect, you couldn't have recommended Sara, not if you were sleeping with her...that would have taken some explaining even if you thought she deserved it anyway.

"That's just a summary, Gris. But the call last night was the final straw."

Nick had finished. He felt light; relieved...not any happier, but at least he'd laid it out for Grissom.

"So, what is it with me?"

Part Two – Gil Grissom

Gil Grissom was not often taken by surprise. He liked order and he liked evidential puzzles. That was his life. He loved his bugs for that reason. They lived ordered lives.

People weren't ordered, ever. Not Sara and he loved her. Not his staff but he'd always supposed that they were as good as anyone ever got.

The paperwork was never-ending and he thought a testament to the team's success rate; that there was always so much to review. Shift was over and he was hoping for at least a couple of uninterrupted hours, trying to clear some of the paper mound.

So, Nick's appearance 'wanting to talk', had been a hindrance to his plans. It could wait, but Nick wouldn't; he tried to remember the last time Nick had come into his office and closed the door. He couldn't. Something serious then.

"What is it Nick? I am really busy."

"Not busy enough; I'm here to talk and I want some answers."

"Nick?"

He was surprised to see Nick calmly move a chair and sit down in front of his desk and steady himself. There was something calculated about the movements; something that wasn't good natured and normal behaviour for Nick. Gil sat back and removed his glasses, contemplating Nick and waiting. Here it comes...I wonder if he's leaving?

"I want to know, Grissom, what is it you don't like about me."

"What? Nick what on earth...?" Gil was astonished. Of course he liked Nick, he was one of his team, but Nick continued. He was talking about the last eight years working together.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about Nick. What's...?" What on earth has got into Nick – he's got some beef about me and him.

Incidents...what on earth? "Nick..."

I think I'll let him get it out; he's right about the call but the under sheriff wanted Drops found - stat.

"Well....the under-sheriff had seen me and asked me what had happened and told me to make sure Drops was found. So I 'phoned you...you're my staff, Nick."

Yes, Brass was in charge...so the under sheriff should have got onto to him not me...but I was here so I was in the line of fire...but why did I call Nick when I could have easily called Jim? But Nick is on my one of my team and he was involved.

"Well...under normal circumstances it would be but we wanted to get Drops back and as you were with Brass I thought I'd call you....."

I didn't think for a moment that I could've called Jim I just called Nick...naturally.

"I think you're construing too much from this Nick...."

I didn't hang up on him surely? I was joking with him really; losing Drops...he'd get flack off the others for that. This is ridiculous - what's got into Nick?

"Nick...don't be ridiculous, I...."

He's off and running I'd better just let it get it out of his system; he wants to talk I'll let him.

What didn't he notice?

Amy Hendler. Fuck. The first time Nick cheated death; by the skin of his teeth. My fault. God, I know I didn't mention it; I was too ashamed...he very nearly had his head blown off and it was through my negligence.

Holly....God what a nightmare that was. Warrick did nearly lose his job but I did think he'd put himself back together...and he did...but he's fallen apart again. Maybe I was wrong after all. Was I sympathetic to Warrick? Was I just acknowledging we all have our failings?

Kristy Hopkins. Nick, you'd been warned off her and I know she was 'hot' and 'irresistible', I think you said......but you should have tried to keep it zipped up.....he knows about Heather. He's kept that secret for a long time. It was wonderful and I fucked that up as badly as he did...but he's right she didn't die....but she could have been mine. That's Nicky though...trustworthy...I bet he's never told a soul about that. She wasn't a hooker....exactly.

Nigel Crane...Nick does attract the psychos, there's no doubt about that. I called Brass though, I knew what he was going to do...I think I did save his life. Did I leave him alone: I think I thought he wanted to be alone....because I know I would've.

Hospital....no I didn't go because you always had a room full of visitors...you didn't want to see your old supervisor did you, when all your friends were with you? Did you? Did I read that wrong? Did I actually ignore you?

Fuck. Fuck. I have done these things to him....it's like the old church isn't it...come back to haunt me. The sin of omission.

Walter Gordon. That bastard nearly killed Nick....very, very nearly killed him...will I ever be able to get the image of Nick in his coffin out of my head...the nightmares...still have them from time to time...how does Nick do it? How does he hold himself together?

The team found him, we all did but I saw him in his coffin...ready to die. I couldn't go to see him in hospital; I couldn't, because I would have fallen apart...he doesn't know that...he doesn't know that about me.

That tape nearly killed me. Why did I keep it from him...I don't know, I really don't know. Was I trying to help him? Didn't want him fretting over it...he'd had enough already.

You never disappointed me Nicky...I told you that night...never...not for one moment... have I ever told him? I know I haven't told him. Why couldn't I tell him? Would it have hurt me just to give him a little comfort?

You never disappointed me Nicky....Pancho...never.

Kelly Gordon.....I would have strangled her with my own hands to help Nick and he went to prison to speak to her; he tried to be a good man. He is a good man.

Greg....the poor boy...so much intelligence and so little warmth in his life....do I see me in him...no coping mechanism...Nick does....did cope....but sometimes I think Greg just holds it together.

Sara....she's gone. I miss her. Do I miss her? She was so difficult even at the end...and yet I asked her to marry me - to spend the rest of my life with her. It would never have worked out; I can see that now. He's right about her, but he didn't know what she'd endured in her life....but he's had more than enough himself.

God when I think about the things they've all done....Catherine's been the worst, I bet, and then Sara.....Warrick and Greg......Nick has had his fair share....he.....he.....hasn't done nearly as much as the others...so why have I treated him like he's said? Why?

He's right. They did find Drops and solve a complicated puzzle. I should have told the under sheriff that he should call the cops not the CSIs...I could have called Jim....so why did I behave like I did?

Nick would have been a good Lead....he'd be better than all of them...he'd be a better supervisor than I could ever hope to be and Catherine for that matter...she's as bad as me in some ways.....just more willing to be political animal.....Nick could do it all....he's a natural.

"So, what is it with me?"

Nick's finished and he wants an answer. He doesn't look as if he's going to hit me.

"I don't think it's you Nick...."

Part Three - Gil Grissom and Nick Stokes

"....I know it's not you Nick. But....I....for once in my life I may find it difficult to explain to you exactly what it is about you that causes me to behave like I do."

"Right...I might have guessed that Grissom. It's my fault that you behave as you do."

"No...yes...no....it's not your fault at all...please get that out of your head. It is MY fault.....but you, the way you are makes me behave as I do....and that's NOT your fault, Nick, that's me."

"Pardon me, Grissom, but I'm having a hard time seeing that. You diss me and it's my fault....."

"Stop it...I let you have your say....let me have my day in court. Last night I do not know why I called you....I really don't....I know now that I should've called Jim or told the under sheriff to call him.....why I chose to call you I don't know....other than I was pissed and I could take it out on you and that would make me feel better after.....and yes I know...it wasn't your fault...entirely... but you were there when he absconded. I was just pissed Nick....I think I take it out on you because you've always let me....you've never called me before tonight have you...and I've just been allowed to get away with it....

"...and yes, that is as pathetic as it sounds. Amy Hendler was my fault...but after the shock at the scene you were absolutely fine...you seemed really okay about it and I didn't mention it for fear of upsetting you....you'd moved on and you were okay Nick you really were.

"You seemed to cope all the time....Warrick, well he was a mess....and I thought he needed my support but you were 'together' and strong. That's why I gave him the supervisor role...d'you remember...because his self esteem was so low.....and you never were like that. That backfired on him didn't it...Sara. And me by implication."

" That would be a 'yes'"

"Sara...I never told her about Heather...and you've never breathed a word of that have you...otherwise it would be common knowledge."

"No, I haven'. I wouldn't dream of doing that to anyone..."

"No...because you're an honourable man...you were even trying to help Kristy out weren't you?"

"Well....I was but she was hot....she didn't deserve to die."

"Very few do. Heather was incredible too....and 'hot' like you say....and just for the record it was straight sex...you know...she...wasn't...I wasn't a...."

"Sub?"

"No."

"Makes you almost human Grissom."

"Is that what you see...someone inhuman Nick?"

"Don't know...detached is perhaps a better description."

"Yes...'detached'....that may be appropriate Nick. Nigel Crane was psychotic and I should have realised earlier just how you'd become the object of his desire....I think desire to be the 'nice guy'...not be with you....he wanted to BE you.

"I did come to the hospital Nick I saw you in your room and the nurse making everyone leave because you had so many visitors...such a popular guy...everyone's friend."

"I didn't know...why didn't you say?"

"Seemed pointless...because you see Nick, you coped again. I remember you in the interview room and you know I deliberately left you alone because if it'd been me I would have wanted to be alone....to regroup; to lick my wounds. I completely forgot that you are the opposite of me...the man surrounded by family and friends...not a solitary figure at all.

"I should have known that; I'm supposed to be able to figure these things out and you do know don't you that I can't...I don't?"

"Yeah, I do...but you've done it for the others...why not me?"

"Because you cope...because you always give me the impression that you cope and move on and get on with it...you don't need me to be on your case. Walter Gordon. Kelly Gordon. If he'd done that to me I would be dead...."

"Because we wouldn't have identified the ants and discovered where you were?"

"No.....I would have eaten the gun Nick....quite early on I think...."

"I don't believe that. No one would know how they would react in that situation unless you've been there. I nearly did pull the trigger but I just kept hoping that....."

"That's it Nicky. You 'hoped' all along you would be rescued and you were. I would have calculated the risk and come up wanting and chosen the easy route. I know me...and actually I think I may know you just a little more than you give me credit for...."

"Transferring again?" But Nick was feeling easier now.; this was an enlightening meeting that was for sure.

"No. I have confessions to make now Nick and I hope you can take them and forgive me maybe....I was watching you when you made the tape...you know I lip read..."

"You fucking knew, man.....you fucking knew and never said....." Nick wasn't feeling easy any more.

"I couldn't say...because if I had, you would've known that I saw the most private of moments, Nick...when you thought you were going to die. Nick I was so proud of you in that moment....you were...you are...such a good man. I think you shame all of us...every single one of us. I couldn't do any more for you. I have been plagued with nightmares about you in that...coffin....ever since and they still go on...not so often now."

Nick was incredulous at this admission. It'd been...he didn't know maybe over a year since he'd last had a nightmare...and it was probably only a dream.

"I couldn't speak to you...I couldn't visit you and I couldn't talk about the tape, not because of you, but because of me....I was the one falling apart...you were the one coping...with your family...with all your friends. I could visit Greg because I felt no emotional intensity...terrible as his ordeal was....it actually paled into insignificance beside yours and he really need the support.

"I can't talk about Sara...you'll have to forgive me....the wound is raw and weeping still...but you are right about it...about her...but Nick, she has a lot more to contend with than you will ever know...and ultimately that's why she left. To face up to her past so she can get on with her life.

"You've done that...don't you see? You're the one who's been thrown every curve ball there is and still you're up and running and...functioning properly. It's the rest of us that're lacking. The list is endless as you suggest.

"I'm very sorry that all these years you've been thinking there's something wrong with you....you've done a damn fine job...all the time....you should've had that job Nick....I did recommend you because you were....you are the right man. I wasn't sleeping with Sara then...really, I wasn't.

"Where it has been your fault is that all this time you haven't called me on it....and I could have told you then...you've made mistakes....not half as many as all the others...but you're the best...and I thought you knew it....you've been growing all the time...the others get by...you learn all the time and you want to learn. You don't think you know it all and you care Nick....you really care. Even if these have been your thoughts for all these years it hasn't prevented you....for one minute...from doing your job.

"Will you accept my apologies, Nick? You know the old saying.....'The road to hell is paved with good intentions'...well that was me, I think...assuming that you knew you were good.....like Catherine does...when she's not developed as you have...the rounded performer. Warrick is on his way out...you know that....right?"

"He's burned out, Gris..."

"He's hardly had any of the bad times you've had and he's gone to pieces....he should have gone all those years ago....done his music...probably killed himself...drugs. I tried to give him purpose and I've failed.

"I've failed Sara...for many reasons and although we did have a relationship...it was at the wrong time. Catherine.....I've given her a free rein and she's nearly hanged herself...more than once...but she keeps bouncing back....maybe she always will. Greg will never achieve his potential in the field...he's good but he's really a lab man...I hope he realises before it's too late.

"So Nick, what is it with me and you? The truth? You are the pretender....to the throne...how's your history? The young man in waiting; learning the ropes...knocked off your horse a few times but always gets back in the saddle...stronger, wiser. You will be better than me...no that's not right...you are better than me...I may have the technical ability Nick, but you are the complete package, and I'm sorry I've never told you that you were the one...I thought you might have known...or guessed."

"No...no...not once....really?"

"Really, Nick."

"Well...should we go get breakfast...I'm starving and you know what Gris....I want you to tell me all about Lady Heather....you know, the real deal."

"I think I can trust you with a secret or two...do you think you could give me a couple of hours on this paperwork after we eat? Consider it grooming for your future Nick."

"You're a manipulative bastard Gris....and I never knew...jeez, how did I miss that?"

"You didn't did you....you just noticed...the first one who's ever noticed....."

The End