Title: Still Feel You Here
Author: Lil Jei
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: H/Speed
Wd Ct:800+
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The show, lyrics, and boys are so not mine.
A/N: A song inspired fic (“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles). Un-Beta’d. Character Death Inside!!!!!!!
Summary: Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
PS: If anyone could guess the book where the last scene is inspired/ripped off of you’ll get major geek points with me.

H looked across the waves and felt his heart breaking all over again. No matter how many years had passed he still felt *him*. Next to him in bed, running around scenes with him, and here on their beach he still prayed to feel his lover’s hand in his. Something always brought him back to this beach. The memories of love made, picnics held, fights, and tears shed-those were what kept him coming back. As sad it could have sounded to the team and to his family, this beach was where he felt the only peace available to him.

Now if he was honest with himself, it had been too long since his last visit. With a tough yesterday and the day before and the one before that one and so forth, he had been stretched thin. He had felt the remorse and agony of too many years working to save others when he could barely save himself. He could feel himself drowning, slowly losing touch. It was after snapping at Alex and the team one too many times that he’d requested the weekend off and with some determination, he disappeared. Not that they couldn’t track him, but after all these years they knew better.

It had been Alex’s suggestion that he relax and just get away. And that had been when he realized it had months since he’d visited their beach. And, forever, since he’d given himself the leeway to just breathe and let go. Because, if he was honest with himself; it didn’t take too long for him to fall apart. When he gave himself the chance to just let go of the burden for a bit that was when he lost it. It always came back to him, the love and loss he’d faced over the years. Speed hadn’t been the first but as far as the future looked he’d be the last.

H couldn’t see himself investing another 15 years in anyone else, for so long H had only lived one man. And for just as long Speed had fought his demons and lived for him. That’s what the beach had originally been for, for the both of them. It was originally their escape, their little piece of paradise, their home away from all the pain of living. But now when H visited it never took too long, he’d be enraptured by ghost of his long dead lover. He swore at times he could still feel him there 'til the moment he was gone and back in the real world. It wasn’t a forced kind of hallucination; if anything it was a dream, one that kept H going. It was as if he had that promise of peace and comfort to hold onto in the worst of times. That feeling, those memories, that beach; had kept him moving forward with what little remained of his life.

He wasn’t happy by any means of the word. After Speed’s death and all the others things that had happened over the years H was at a loss sometimes. Just getting out of bed in the morning hurt, he knew he was depressed. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that if it hadn’t been for the team or his niece, nephew, and son he would have been gone from this plane years ago. His family had been onto him though, since Speed’s death they had fought a worsening battle for H and his sanity. But Speed still had a hold on him, on his heart; it was as if his ghost had him, in his arms without a touch and with no chains binding him. Some days H didn’t want more than to just drown in Speed’s love once again, he wanted to feel his arms around him and not just the wind.

It was this time though that even Alex was worried about his mental state. H had tried to tell them a long time ago. All he wanted to be, was free, he just wanted them to leave him be. In reality he knew he was failing, that he was falling to deep, but he didn’t want to spend another moment alone and without him. Here he was, just as he was supposed to be, forever alone and aching for freedom. He knew everyone’s concern and felt for them. But he could also still feel his lover’s touch. H could still feel him lying on him and all over him, enveloping him. Laying back he thinks of the sunsets shared between them and just lets go, for once being fragile and relaxing. It was just like when he was alive, Speed was the one person keeping him down, keeping him anchored, and with that thought H’s strength is gone. And, as he feels the gravity pulling him down into the waves, he knows he’s being brought to his lover. It hadn’t taken long at all, it hadn’t taken more than a moment for his love, his freedom to come and save him once more.