Title: Looking For Yourself Out There
By: mickeylover303
Pairing: Ryan/Greg
Rating: PG
Summary: Ryan was here and Greg was there, but heaven was overrated anyway.

***

Ryan didn't want to believe in eternity.

Or rather he didn't want to believe in an eternity in regards to Heaven or Hell. Though, it had more to do with his own selfishness than the concept of forever having anything to do with the hereafter.

But in his case, it was probably the same either way.

He wasn't sure if there was even a life after death, religious uncertainty aside, if life did – as they said – go on, then Ryan didn't get the memo; not even one of those small sticky notes like the ones Greg thought funny to leave all over Ryan's apartment in the rare opportunity that he was able to visit Miami.

Truth be told, Ryan knew Greg only did it because he liked to tease him about his ‘habits'.

And it more than irked him when he would find yellow pieces of paper sticking unceremoniously to various things in his apartment. Then Greg would come up behind him, placing his chin on Ryan's shoulder and smiling that annoying smile because he knew Ryan could be meticulous at times.

More so if he found a sticky note on the bathroom mirror or some other glass surface. The glue left a residue that was hard to get out if left to dry.

It wouldn't have been as bad if there was actually something written on those obstructive things, but for some reason, Greg would leave them blank, tormenting Ryan more than necessary. Though, he didn't really take them seriously; it was more or less Greg's...unique way of showing him that he took Ryan as is; for who he was.

They didn't have the opportunity to see each other much, maybe about or two months out of the year. For the few times Greg did come to Ryan's apartment, there would be a new package of sticky notes in his hand. He would smile languidly, trying to mask his intent to use them all in the short time they had together, but always leaving a few for Ryan.

And for the rest of the three hundred or so odd days they were apart, Ryan would resist the urge to put them up himself.

He took his gaze away from the small, yellow piece of paper partially attached to the corner of his nightstand, almost ready to fall. He pulled the blanket over his head, shifting to rest one leg on top of another as he burrowed beneath the covers. He rubbed his head against the soft pillow, trying to distract himself from a slight headache.

He was supposed to be asleep and should have been asleep an hour ago. He had an early day tomorrow because there was always an unusual escalation of crime the day after Thanksgiving. Then again, tomorrow was Black Friday.

But he still found his mind wandering to the conversation with Greg earlier today.

"Sara bought me a soy latte."

Ryan moved his mouth away from the phone's receiver as he yawned. "Really?" he asked; the surprise evident in his voice. Greg wasn't really one to complain or at least he didn't complain about much. But he was consistent in reminding Ryan that Sara wouldn't let him drive whenever they were working on a case together.

Truthfully, there was nothing wrong with Greg's driving, but Ryan could guess that Sara wouldn't let him for sole sake of not letting Greg drive. From what Ryan gathered from Greg and the few times he spoke to her, she seemed like that kind of person.

In a playful sense more or less.

"I think I was her charity case for the day." He paused and Ryan could imagine the thoughtful look on his face. "If this keeps up, she might even let me drive for Christmas."

Ryan snorted into his soda, the bubbles tickling his nostrils. "Yeah, right."

"Yeah, well...anyway, I'm too happy to let your pessimism mock me."

"New case?"

"No, it's the same one I told you about yesterday, but Nick and Warrick are going to work with us tonight."

"Catherine, too?" Ryan asked, a small smile beginning to form on his face when heard the excitement in the other man's voice. He knew about the situation with Ecklie splitting the team and how much Greg appreciated working with and learning from his colleagues.

"No..." Greg answered, voice slightly faltering. "But it's almost like we're back together again."

Ryan decided to change the subject, not wanting a sombre mood to take over the conversation. "Speaking of that..." He paused to yawn, wiping away the moisture that gathered at the corner of his eyes. He leaned over the table, watching steam rise from a small, black ceramic bowl. "Remind me why I let you pick the food, again?"

"Because we needed something we could both make without messing around with our schedules."

"But..." Ryan looked at the contents of the bowl warily, moving his fork around it.

"I like it," Greg said, trying to defend his decision.

"Of course you would," Ryan said, though he did agree with the practicality of Greg's food choice...even if it wasn't as lavish as a traditional Thanksgiving meal. But knowing that four hours behind him and more than two thousand miles away, Greg was eating the same food was more than a little comforting.

"You're the one who agreed with it."

"Yeah, but..." Ryan hissed; turning his head as hot broth splashed on his face.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Ryan replied, licking the remnants of salty broth that had made its way to his lips. "I can't believe I'm eating ramen noodles for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Did you get the turkey flavoured one with freeze dried vegetables?"

Ryan didn't want to answer, knowing exactly what Greg was suggesting. "Yes."

"There you go."

"What am I supposed to do with you?" Ryan gave an exaggerated sigh.

"What would you do without me?" Greg retorted; his voice light and not serious, but he had unintentionally brought Ryan's attention to something he'd been trying to avoid for the better part of the night.

It was a question that Ryan wasn't ready to answer then and still something he wasn't ready to answer now.

He raised his voice, his tone teasing as he tried to brush the question off. "Well...I would have a lot more room without all your stuff taking up what little space I do have." He paused, as if he was actually contemplating the idea of Greg not being in his life. "I wouldn't have to worry about finding sticky notes on my arm in the morning. And I wouldn't have to-"

"Yeah, yeah, so you say," Greg interrupted. He sucked his teeth, but Ryan knew he wasn't taking the taunting seriously. "I can see the subliminal message for what it really is. I'll make sure to bring more stuff and extra sticky notes when I come down there next time."

"You hear what you want to hear."

"Probably, but I – hold on, someone's on the other line."

Ryan nodded even though Greg couldn't see him. It was already ten in Miami, and Greg's shift was about to start. The call was probably work related.

"Hey, Ryan..."

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"That was Nick. We have a new lead and he wants me to meet him. So..."

"Oh, okay." Ryan tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice. He thought he had at least a little bit more time. "Tell him I said hi."

"I will...but call me tomorrow, all right?"

"Yeah, I will."

"And Ryan...I...I miss you."

There was a pregnant pause and Ryan momentarily found himself at a loss for words, his mind focused on the soft sounds of Greg's breathing on the other end of the line.

"I miss you, too."

Ryan groaned at the thought of the last words he said to Greg, wondering when everything began to change.

He positioned himself on his side, pushing the comforter off his body and kicking it to the floor. He was still finding it difficult to drift off to sleep and it was probably well past midnight by now. But no matter what he did, he couldn't get comfortable. And even sprawled across the large bed, there still seemed be room for one more.

No, Ryan didn't want to believe in eternity; whatever happened in the after life.

Because Greg was more than two thousand miles away and Ryan needed it now.