Title: When Life is to Hard
Author: Immortal Aussie
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: FRM
Challenge: CSI 50
Claim: Horatio/Speed- Combo
Prompt: table 2, prompt 3- slow suicide
Summary: I can't go on anymore. Life is just too hard. Written as the characters inner-dialogue
Warnings: Suicide by self harm. Dark thoughts.
Spoilers: 2x8 "Big Brother", a few episodes in season three and a few more in season four
Word Count: 291

***

As I slice into my wrist for the first time I can't help but think if our father hadn't left us. If he hadn't eventually tracked us down killing our mother which resulted in me killing him I wouldn't be doing this.

Another slice of my wrist and I think- if Ray hadn't had an affair with Suzie and father Madison; if Yelina hadn't assumed Madison was mine. If Madison hadn't had leukaemia I wouldn't be doing this.

Third slice. If Speed hadn't cheated on me with Eric when he knew how much he meant to me, I wouldn't have to do this.

I'm loosing so much blood. Change wrist now! Another cut. If Ray hadn't turned up alive and the rumour about him being a dirty cop confirmed. If he hadn't whisked off to Brazil with Yelina and Ray Jr I wouldn't have to do this.

I want to stop but I can't. I keep cutting myself. I feel so faint, so weak. If only I had someone to talk to when I most needed it, that it would have helped me.

Another cut of my wrist and I fall to the ground nearly unconsciousness. Now I just have to let nature take its course.

I know that I'm dying.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear the bathroom door open. Somebody crouch down next to me. When they say my name I realise that it's Speed. That he's saying that he's so sorry and that he still loves me.

With the last of my strength I look at him and with my last breath I whisper, "I'm sorry Speed, but I can't go on anymore. Life is just too hard," and with that I know more pain.

***