Title: She
Author: twisted_badger
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Fandom: CSI
Challenge: none
Rating: PG just to be safe ...
Spoilers: None
word Count: 672
Disclaimer: If i owned CSI would need a later time slot. *evil grin*
Summary: Well she's leaving as you thought you knew she would. Sara POV.
AN: simplycatherine this one is for you. The line provided by the wounderful simplycatherine was ... "she never let on how insane it was" which is from a Tori song, Black Dove. And thanks yous to: riayn and stargateluvr

***

She’s leaving.

Okay well you hadn’t expected that.

There had been a feeling, something that maybe tipped you off but you knew something… when she said she had news you knew what it was, the others guessed and got it right, but you knew as soon as she spoke, that whatever words came out were going to mean goodbye.

You didn’t want to go there, but now as you stand in the break room and Catherine say’s she’s leaving out loud, for everyone to hear, it hits you like a brick.


It's not a bad dream and it's not in your head, it's out there for everyone to hear and that makes it real.

Nick says straight out, “No!” He's joking, you think it’s a joke but you can see he’s hurt, she smiles at him and nods with compassion, explains it’s a better job. It’s a privilege to be offered it.

Grissom looks like someone has killed his favourite puppy. Then didn't let him play with the body.

You give her your biggest smile. That suppresses the tear reflex to, or you hope it will. You can feel them welling but you manage to congratulate her, tell her what a wonderful leader she will make.

She smiles and thanks you.

You wish you could cry, tell her what it means that she’s leaving but you're scared, scared of showing her how much you care. If you start crying… no you were not going there!

So you smile and tell her it was about time someone with the power saw what you had always seen, how wonderful she was.

You know you care more than the people around you, Jackie’s getting teary, letting them fall, you know you care more than that because you love Catherine, but she wont know that, because you smile and walk away, congratulating her, that’s all you can give.

You wounder if she sees through, you doubt it, you can’t expect her to read your mind.

You’re really going to cry now.

You wish you could cry, express your emotion like that.

You tell her you think she’s brilliant, that she has had a profound effect on your life, that she has made you want to be better and that whoever has their life touched by her next will be lucky.

That she has changed you.

But all in a controlled voice.

"You can't go, we'll keep you here." Nick grins.

She smiles coyly at him.

She puts the paper down, “I have to go Nicky,” she smiles at you, “Sara wouldn’t have it any other way."

It's not an insult and strangely enough you know it’s the truth.

It’s a better job, better opportunities, it's what she wants.

Probably what she needs.

You smile, “That’s right.”

Your eyes meet.

Then she goes back to the papers and the gang.

“We’ll still keep in touch.”

You know its not true.

“I know.”

“Cell phone, e-mail…”

“I’m going to miss you so much!” Jackie tries to laugh but can’t and another tear drops.



She never let on how insane it was. That everyone was so sad and you had just smiled and been happy for her. Maybe she really didn’t know.

You didn’t think she did but… you had no idea what anything in your head meant anymore.

“It’s okay, just be happy for me like Sara.” She had said and smiled at you again.

“I’m just in denial so I don’t cry.” You joked but the waver of tears floated in your voice.

You shut your mouth tightly and smiled again.

It had to been over soon. To soon.

“I’m not going yet.” When she really did go? How on earth would you deal with that?

“You’ll have me for another few months yet.” She had said that, and you had held on to that thought so tightly. Now those months were days and they had gone in the blink of an eye.

No, you’ll never have her, and that’s why the tears sting that much more.

***