Title: Don't Hold Back
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, csi50
Prompt: 39, Share
Author's Note: Continuation of Laid To Rest.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

"Okay, Ry, what's bothering you?" Greg asked as he settled back on the couch and turned slightly to look at his boyfriend. Ryan didn't look up at him, keeping his gaze focused on his hands clasped in his lap. "I know there's something wrong. Just tell me."

He didn't know where to start, didn't know what to say. He couldn't just jump right into it; he had to work up to talking with Greg about the past, about things that he didn't want to remember or think about. But they had to talk at some point.

How did he bring up the subject? He wasn't sure that he even wanted to, but he needed to talk about this, and Greg was obviously in the mood to listen -- not that he ever didn't want to listen to anything Ryan had to tell him. Greg was a great listener.

"I don't really know how to start," he finally said, his voice very soft and hesitant. "It's something that's been bothering me for a long time -- and before you get worried, it's nothing to do with us. You and me are good, babe. We're perfect. This is .... something from the past."

"It's about what happened to you with the mob when you were in Miami, isn't it?" Greg asked, his voice soft but steady. "I know you've been having bad dreams about that, Ry. I've just been wondering when you'd feel like you were ready to talk about it."

"You're psychic, aren't you?" Ryan asked, unable to stop the smile that quirked the corners of his lips. Somehow, Greg always seemed to know when he needed to talk -- and he had an uncanny way of being able to know what was on his lover's mind.

"Only when it comes to you, Greg said with a soft laugh. "So what's up, Ry?" His dark eyes studied his boyfriend earnestly; Ryan almost wanted to squirm, wishing that he could hide form that intent gaze. Now that the moment was upon him, he didn't know what to say.

"I've been thinking about that time with the Cuban mob a lot lately," he finally mumbled, unable to think of any way to put what he had to say other than jumping into the subject head first. "The memory keeps coming back to me, Greg. Not just in dreams, but all the time."

"It was one of the worst things that anybody could ever have to deal with," Greg murmured, sliding his arms around Ryan's waist and pulling him close. "I don't blame you for having a hard time putting it in the past. If it was me, I'd have fallen apart."

"You survived something just as bad -- if not worse," Ryan pointed out to him, resting his head on Greg's shoulder for just a moment before lifting his gaze to his boyfriend's. "And you not only got past it, but you opened yourself up to me completely."

"You'll be able to do that with me one day, Ry," Greg told him, raising a hand to stroke gentle fingers through Ryan's hair. "I know you will. I believe in you, even if you have a hard time believing in yourself. And what you went through wasn't less than what I did."

"Maybe it's just still coming back to me so strongly because it's still fresh in my mind," Ryan said, his thoughts taking a new track. "It wasn't all that long ago. But sometimes, it's like I can still feel it. Like it just happened yesterday, instead of months ago."

"I was raped years ago, and until I met you, there were times when it was like that just happened to me yesterday, too," Greg whispered, his voice shaking slightly. "I couldn't let anybody touch me for so long -- and for a while, I couldn't even let anybody kiss me."

Ryan nodded, sobered by the thought. He hadn't had a hard time being with Greg physically at all, even after what he'd been through -- but his situation had been different. After all, he was the more aggressive partner in their relationship. It wasn't the same at all.

"I don't think it was any easier for you get over what happened to you than it is for me," Ryan finally said, shaking his head. "Greg, you were violated by a person you trusted. I was violated by an object. And the person who used it wasn't somebody I trusted in any way."

"Yeah, the situations are different, but in some ways, they're the same," Greg told him, taking a deep breath. "We've both been through hell in our own ways, and we've both survived. And now, we've found each other. Doesn't that say something?"

"Maybe what we both went through was fate's way of bringing us together," Ryan mused, raising a hand to cup Greg's cheek. "I wouldn't wish what either of us endured on anybody -- but if it meant that I would be able to share the rest of my life with you, I'd deal with it again."

"I wouldn't ever want you to go through that again -- even if it meant that you might not have met me when you did," Greg told him, shaking his head. "Nothing's worth you being hurt like that again. And we would find each other sooner or later, y'know."

Ryan nodded, a slight smile quirking his lips. "I think we would have," he murmured, stroking Greg's cheek. "There's no way we could have gone through the rest of our lives without finding each other at some point. We were destined to be together, Greg. I truly believe that."

"So do I," Greg said, his voice very soft and husky. Ryan could swear that he was almost on the verge of tears; he himself could feel them rising behind his eyes. "I want to share the rest of my life with you, Greg. And I believe that fate meant for that to happen."

"We couldn't share our lives if we couldn't share what's happened to us in the past," Greg pointed out, clearing his throat. "I know it's hard for you to talk about what happened, and I know that some of it still haunts you. Maybe we'll always be dealing with our pasts."

"If we are, then at least we're not trying to deal with it alone," Ryan murmured, resting his head on Greg's shoulder again. "It's not easy for me to share something like that with anybody, Greg. Not even with you. But I'm glad you're here to listen."

"I'll listen to anything you want to talk about, babe," Greg murmured, bowing his head to brush his lips across Ryan's forehead. "Anything you need to say, you can say it to me. I'm always here to listen, Ry. And to try to help in any way that I can."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Greg." Ryan's eyes filled with tears again; he had to blink them back before he could speak again. "I know one thing -- I'd be a lot lonelier, and I wouldn't be dealing with life nearly as well as I feel like I am."

"Glad I could help," Greg said with a soft laugh. "I think you had something you needed to talk to me about, Ry. Talk away. Whatever you want to share, I'm here. Don't hold back, unless you want to. Because nothing you can say is going to make me love you any less."

Ryan closed his eyes, resting his head against Greg's shoulder again. And after what felt like forever since his encounter with the Cuban mob, he started to talk about the experience -- more than he'd ever talked about it before, unburdening himself for the first time.

***