Title: Laid To Rest
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, csi50
Prompt: 50, Writer's Choice - Memory
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Ryan Wolfe, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan sat bolt upright on the couch, blinking, his hands clutching at the cushion he was sitting on. He'd drifted off into a doze, and memories that he'd much rather keep buried had assailed him, their teeth and claws extended, ready to drag him down.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, leaning his head back, trying to calm his racing heart. He was glad that Greg wasn't here; his boyfriend had gone out to the grocery store, though they usually did things like that together, as they enjoyed it.

But they'd only needed a few things, and Greg had said that he would only be gone half an hour or so. Ryan glanced at the clock; Greg had only been gone for a little over ten minutes. He must had dropped into sleep almost as soon as his lover had left.

Those nightmares hadn't come back to him lately when he'd been sleeping with Greg in his arms; it was as though his boyfriend was a good-luck talisman that kept him from being bothered by the past. But when he was alone, they swooped in on him.

Not nightmares, he told himself, raising a hand to rub at his eyes. Memories. Memories of what the Cuban mob had done to him, a day that he could never forget. He could still feel the ache in his body as though it had only happened yesterday instead of months ago.

Was he ever going to forget the feeling of being bent over that desk, the cold metal of a gun pushing into him from behind, twisting, rending his flesh as it pushed deeper? A shudder went through him; he wished that he could push the memory away, delete it forever.

That wasn't going to happen, as much as he wanted it to. That memory would stay there, embedded in his mind, for the rest of his life. It had already destroyed his peace of mind far too much; he couldn't help wondering if it would start affecting his life with Greg, as well.

It already affected their sex life, didn't it? he thought with a sigh. He wanted to let Greg make love to him, wanted to leap over that one barrier still separating them, but he couldn't force himself to do it. Just the thought of that made him freeze over.

He didn't want his relationship with Greg to go sour simply because of something that had been done to him against his will, something that he couldn't force himself to get past. The last thing he wanted was for that one incident to color the rest of his life.

Greg understood, of course. He wasn't going to push in any way; Ryan was fairly sure that his lover was happy with their relationship just as it was. But he couldn't help wondering if, deep down inside, Greg might want more than he was able to give at this point.

He hadn't expected Greg to be so brave about facing his own demons. He had thought it would take much longer than it had for them to become lovers in the physical sense. But Greg had proved to be much stronger than he himself was.

If only he could be like that! Ryan thought wistfully. He wanted to be able to step up to those memories, to look them in the eye and tell them that they didn't control his life. He wanted to be as brave as Greg had been, and be able to put the past behind him.

But it was impossible, at least for now. The memory of what had happened was still far too strong in his mind. He wondered if it would always be like that, or if it would fade in time. He hoped that it would; if it didn't, then he would feel this way for the rest of his life.

That wasn't acceptable, he told himself sternly. He wasn't going to let that memory start to loom so large in his mind that it overshadowed everything else, including the life he could have with Greg in the future. He was going to get past this. He had to.

If he didn't, then there would always be a shadow over his life with Greg -- especially over their sex life. He didn't want that; he wanted to be able to be completely open with Greg, for them to love each other in every possible way, both emotional and physical.

What could he do to erase that memory, to stand up to it? Ryan reached for one of the pillows on the couch, clutching it against his chest as though he was clinging to a life preserver. He had to find a way. He had to stop living in the past, and look to the future.

He was trying to look to the future, Ryan argued with himself. He wanted more than anything for that future to be free of these kinds of memories; he was trying his best to get past them, to put them behind him, and to move forward with Greg.

Maybe he should talk to his boyfriend about this. Greg had a positive way of looking at any kind of bad situation; he could always see the silver lining in any cloud. That was only one of the myriad of things that Ryan loved about him -- his optimism.

Could Greg be optimistic about this? Of course he would be, Ryan thought, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Greg would be able to make him put aside his worries, convince him that everything would be all right between them, and that there would be no rift.

No, there wouldn't be a rift between them, Ryan told himself, keeping his inner voice strong. There could only be a rift if he let one grow; the best thing to do was to nip that in the bud before it started getting any worse. And he could do that by talking this over with Greg.

He hated to talk about it; he didn't want to remember that time, how terrified he'd been, how much it had hurt. He didn't want to relive that memory; he didn't want to let the remembered pain wash over him again, let the fear rise in him once more.

But he would have to. He needed to talk with Greg about it more than he had, to get it off his chest once and for all. Maybe if he talked it through, told Greg exactly how that had turned him against bottoming for anyone again, then he'd be able to get past the fear.

He'd told Greg about what had happened, but he didn't like discussing it. Talking about how he'd felt just made it all come flooding back to him again, made what had happened seem so much closer, even after all the distance he'd put between himself and Miami.

Santos showing up had brought it all back, but not as much as he might have thought it would. No, it was the memory that was coming back to haunt him, brought on by no more than his own errant mind. He wished his mind would simply block that memory out, push it away.

That wasn't going to happen until he talked with Greg again, and told his boyfriend everything about how he was feeling. He had to do that, had to get it all out in the open, had to let Greg know how scared he was. His lover would understand those feelings all too well.

Ryan quickly got up from the couch when he heard Greg's key in the door; he would help his boyfriend put the groceries up, then maybe they could talk. It was past time he tried to lay this memory to rest -- and with Greg's help, he finally felt that it would be possible.

***

Next story in series - Don't Hold Back.