Title: The Enemy
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 67548
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Characters: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes, and a few other familiar and unfamiliar faces along the way!
Warnings: AU and v.fluffy!
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: In my dreams they are like, totally mine!
Unbeta-ed: All mistakes will be mine
A/N 1: This is (yet) another medical one using my extensive medical knowledge and learning...NOT!! However, in this case the subject matter is v.sensitive and I want you all to know that this is pretend...I really do NOT know anything about matters medical other than stuff I've Googled. It is made-up, not true, and not intended to hurt, worry or upset anyone.

***

Their strategy was to treat it as the enemy.

ooOoo

The day they discovered the enemy had been a happy carefree day. A leisurely breakfast was being followed by a leisurely fuck.

Gil was on his knees between Nick's legs and Nick was laughing, his hands linked together behind his head and his diaphragm jumping with his laughter.

"Man, that tickles...stop it..."

"Lie back and take it like a man."

Gil continued to use his fingers to tease Nick...to tickle the inside of his thighs, which never failed to cause Nick a great deal of mirth and squirming and, with strict instructions for his hands to remain out of reach, he was to put up and shut up.

"It's just not fair...you don't know how it feels, you insensitive, tickle free man..." His hands might be stilled, but Nick's ass was jiggling around on the bed, trying to avoid the annoying fingertips.

Gil loved it, he loved the man and the ass and the tickling, and he laughed, too, as his fingers sneaked upwards and took first one ball and then the other and gently rolled each testicle around. He enjoyed the feel of all of Nick, so much.

His scrotum was small and neat and quite hairless making his balls beautifully packaged. He gently held a ball steady as he bent over to take it into his mouth.

And then he stopped still.

He kept the ball between his fingers and palpated it and then the other as Nick still chuckled and grumbled under his breath. He did it several times and then sat up and looked down at Nick.

"Oh, man, stop teasing and get on...what? What's wrong with you?"

"Nick, you have a lump in your right ball."

"Don't be ridiculous...how do you know?"

"Because I've just felt it; it's very small and it definitely wasn't there the last time I paid this much attention to them...when was that...about two, three weeks ago?"

"Yeah, about. Let me feel...where?"

Gil gently moved his fingers around and found the small lump again just behind Nick's right ball. It was small, but it was definitely out of the ordinary. Nick sat up and felt himself where Gil indicated. He felt around some and then his other ball.

"Well...I don't know, it's hardly anything, are you sure it's not a temporary movement of the fluid...or something?" He continued to feel himself.

"It might be, but you need to get it checked out straight away." Gil rolled off the bed and retrieved his boxer shorts from where he'd flung them.

"Where're you going?"

"To phone for an appointment with your doctor...get it checked out."

"Gil, it's a bit premature for that, it might be gone in the morning."

"And it might be bigger."

"I'd feel stupid if I panicked for nothing."

Gil stopped and looked back at Nick. "And I'd feel stupid if I ignored it and it got worse. I couldn't bear it...Nick, I couldn't bear it."

"Yeah, okay." Nick got out of bed and walked up to Gil, putting his arms around the waist of the man so concerned for him. "It's bit of a surprise, y'know? We were just about to fuck."

"I know. I love you, Nick." Gil sounded grave.

Nick looked at him. "Hey, don't jump the gun."

"Sorry. You know me, ever the pessimist."

"You are. Come on; let's get the Doc's number."

Gil phoned the receptionist for Nick and was able to get an appointment for him for early that afternoon.

They decided to have a drink before trying to get some sleep. They sipped a brandy each and cuddled on the couch.

"What if..."

"...say nothing until we know something, sweetheart."

"Hell...it must be bad; you called me "˜sweetheart'." Nick chuckled. "God knows why I thought I should have a brandy with you, this stuff is fire water."

"Fire water? Nick, this is French brandy...the best...you're lucky I let you have a taste."

"Oh, thank you, sir, thank you!"

"Texan!" He nuzzled Nick's hair and ear. "I love you, Nick."

"Yeah, I know you do...and you know...if it is...well, you must have caught it early."

It was, and he had.

***

Blood tests confirmed that the tumour markers were positive, albeit with a reading only slightly above normal, and five days later Nick was sitting waiting to see an Oncologist at Desert Palm. He'd had further blood tests and a CT scan and was now, he hoped, he was about to get the definitive diagnosis and prognosis.

He was sweating, just a little, and breathing heavily and fidgeting. Gil was sitting beside him and he pulled Nick's hand into his lap and held it there, instantly calming him. They never put on any display of affection in public; they just didn't.

Nick looked down at his hand being held and smiled. He looked at Gil and held the familiar blue eyes with his own and took a deep and calming breath. He couldn't care less that several people...couples...were now staring at them.

When his name was called he stood and pulled Gil with him.

"Are you okay with me being with you?" Gil whispered.

"I'm not going in there without you." Nick whispered back.

"I don't want you to go in without me."

"That's okay then." And both men entered the room.

Dr Rani Gupta sat at his desk and he seemed to Nick to be unduly happy, given his profession. He nodded both men to seats in front of his desk.

"Mr Stokes; it is testicular cancer. The scan shows no evidence of any spread of the cancer outside your one testis. This is good news, it is what we call stage one; obviously the best stage for any cancer. It is at such an early stage that I believe you will make a full recovery."

"Okay, thank you...what next?" Did you actually say "˜thank you' to someone who's just confirmed you have cancer?

"It's excellent that you have discovered it so early. I will schedule you for an orchiectomy, which is the removal of your right testis, on Monday. The incision will be through you lower abdomen, maybe three inches long and I will pull out the testis and tie off the vas deferens and blood vessels."

Nick shuddered at the clinical description; this was his ball the doctor was talking about. He was unaware that, beside him, Gil had shuddered too.

"I do not propose to take any lymph nodes, there is actually a significant risk to that procedure and it is my professional opinion that we do not need to test your lymph nodes. You will have to stay the hospital overnight."

"What about work?"

"Your work must wait. You cannot go back to work until the incision if fully closed and then you must do only light work until I say otherwise. Do you understand?"

Nick nodded, feeling a little chagrined at being told what he could and couldn't do.

Gil responded to the doctor. "There's no need to worry about that, doctor; I'm his supervisor and I will ensure he carries out your instructions to the letter."

"His supervisor, oh, my apologies, I thought you were...partners...together." He looked down at his notes, flummoxed by the information Gil had just given him.

"We are, but I happen to be his boss as well." Gil clarified, and Nick chuckled at the doctor's momentary embarrassment.

"Ah, I thought I read that his male partner had discovered the tumour."

"I did...but not at work."

"No." The three men laughed, and Nick took the opportunity to take hold of Gil's hand once more.

"What about after...chemotherapy or radiotherapy?"

"I see you know what you're talking about and that is good. Yes. I propose to give you a course of therapy but I will not know which one to use until I have received the lab results on the nature of the tumour. There are two main types and one responds better to chemo...and vice versa.

"I know some oncologists would be prepared to rely on the removal as proof of a cure, since it is so small, but in the unlikely event we miss a few cells, and I must tell you that it is...unlikely...at this stage but statistics support that having the most suitable therapy does quite definitely help prevent a re-occurrence. However, it is your decision and the treatment can be debilitating, sometimes with side effects."

"Would you have it done...if it was you?"

"Oh yes." Dr Gupta didn't hesitate.

"Then I think I'll probably take you advice. What about a...prosthetic ball...errr, testis?"

"I was coming to that. I would offer you the chance to have an implant following the completion of all your treatment. Whether you chose to do so is entirely up to you. Some men have them for psychological reasons; they feel emasculated by the loss, although there is no loss of testosterone or sexual abilities; and then there is the aesthetic reason...it will make your scrotum look, and feel, as it did before. It is a perfectly straightforward procedure and can be done while you are a day patient and using the same incision to..."

The doctor stopped because Nick recoiled at that information.

"Mr Stokes? Are you alright?"

"Yeah...it was just the thought of cutting open an old scar...seemed painful...to me..." His speech petered out as he found Gil staring at him and the doctor grinning. "What?" He addressed Gil.

"Nothing. Well, you've been told you have cancer, will have an operation and either chemotherapy or radiotherapy, and the only thing that worries you is the re-opening of the old incision.

"I'm going to make a full recovery and I will undertake whatever treatment I have to, to get better...but cutting open an old scar...not nice."

Gil laughed and leaned towards him. He was going to kiss him until he realised they had company and he drew back and he actually felt a blush heating his cheeks.

"You won't know about it and it will hurt less; when we cut through your skin the first time we damage the nerves...only slightly, but there would generally be some numbness around the scar for some months, and then, of course, you would only have one scar."

"Okay...okay, I get it, but I don't know yet, I'll see how I feel."

"That is what I advise...you should also take into account your partner's views too...after all..."

"...I hope I'm not governed by conditioned responses, Dr Gupta; the decision will be Nick's." Gil was indignant that the doctor thought he would like to see and feel two balls; he wasn't that shallow. But, he suddenly had a blinding flash of insight; that Nick might want him to make the decision for him...he could and would do whatever Nick wanted.

"Nick, I'll do whatever you want me to do. I promise." Gil smiled at Nick and he knew immediately that for once in his life he'd made the right decision; it was right thing to say.

Dr Gupta knew too; he'd seen this scenario many times, though not often with two men.

"Gentlemen, we have covered all the usual angles. Is there anything else you wish to discuss?"

"I don't think so...we have googled it, haven't we?" Nick looked at Gil.

"How many treatments would you want Nick to undertake?"

"It depends, but provisionally I would say maybe two courses of treatment, but I will be guided by the results of the lab work after I have undertaken the orchiectomy.

"In my opinion the most important factor in all of this is your early detection and our early diagnosis. I cannot stress enough that it is paramount to a successful fight against the disease. It is the key, Mr Stokes...not just to your cancer but to all cancer. People are often reckless with their own lives, they think it can never happen to them and they are embarrassed by their symptoms and frightened by the treatment."

"They can be nasty, though, the treatments?"

"Great advances have been made in recent years and while it is still unpleasant it is nowhere near as bad as it was ten years ago...five years, even. We can provide drugs to counteract any side effects you might suffer; but it is not a foregone conclusion that you will have them...some people do and others...do not.

"The longer you leave it the worse and longer the treatment is...Mr Stokes, you will be fully recovered and completely back to normal in three months. If you had not come to me now and left it those three months, it would have taken six months to put right, but with a much higher chance of recurrence and metastasises. It is all relative."

"Yeah...what about recurrence?"

"Statistically, once you've had testicular cancer there is a slightly higher chance you will get it again...however, once more because of the speed of your diagnosis, and with the therapy, the percentage is very small and may not even be statistically valid.

"We've covered what I wanted to say about you and the cancer and I think you are well versed in the treatment and outcome. Anything else you can think of?"

"Will it hurt much?" Nick couldn't resist asking.

"There will be post-operative pain which is inevitable but we don't expect you to suffer and will provide medication for you. At first it will be delivered intravenously while you are still under anaesthetic so that when you wake it will be effective immediately. The most common compliant from patients it that of soreness rather than downright pain. You will need to rest for a few days and I've no doubt you will have discomfort, but to a degree the wearing of supportive underwear can help."

"Tighty-whitey's?" Nick enquired to Gil's astonishment.

The doctor burst out laughing. "Exactly...we should write that in our notes for all patients.

"I wear them anyway."

"Ah, as a general rule I think something a little looser is healthier. If you were intending to father children tight underwear may restrict healthy sperm production."

Nick glanced at Gil, who was a boxer man and he'd mentioned this to Nick on more than one occasion and was looking particularly smug at that very moment.

"Then it's a good job I don't intend to father any children isn't it." And this retort was meant for Gil.

But the doctor responded. "In those circumstances it is not so relevant, but you should not wear them too tight."

"I don't...honestly." He grinned at the doctor.

"No harm done then. Now do you have any more questions I can help you with?"

Both men looked at each other and then shook their heads at the doctor.

"Right, if you see my receptionist, she will give you all the details about attending on Monday and your preparations. I look forward to seeing you." Dr Gupta stood and extended his hand to Nick and then Gil.

Forty minutes later they were back at Gil's truck. They hadn't spoken privately since receiving all the information.

They hauled themselves into the truck and Gil looked across at Nick.

***

"You okay, babe?"

"I like being your babe..." But as he spoke Nick couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks, "...sorry, being a real baby." He was trying, but not succeeding, to be funny.

Gil leaned across the console and put his arm around Nick's shoulder and pulled him towards him.

"Oh, babe, I love you so much, I wish I could take it away, I wish it was me..."

"...NO! I don't want you to be sick." Nick looked at Gil to see that he too had tears rolling down his cheeks and as much as he could do, with the console in his way, he hugged his lover. "I'm going to be okay. I am."

"I know you are. It's just...shock. A shock. You never expect it to be you."

"No. Can we go home? Will you...?"

"Will I what?"

"Make love to me? Can you do that?"

"Oh God, Nick, of course I can, I love you, sweetheart"

"Come on then, let's go...and just so you know, I expect to be spoiled rotten until Monday at the very least."

"Oh, really, milking it for all it's worth?"

"Yeah...man, what's the point if I can't get a little of what I like?"

"True. We've still got to go to work though...so you'd better make a list of what I have to do to keep you entertained for four days."

"You need a list?"

"Well, apart from the obvious."

"Okay."

"What are you going to do about work? Ecklie's going to have to know and they'll all know something's wrong when you're off."

"Tell "˜em. I'm not ashamed and it's not like we don't all discuss...everything...anyway."

"True, that's good. I'll leave it to you then, do it in your own time."

"Okay. Can we go now because this console is sticking in my ribs and I think I'm about to put my back out."

"I know what you mean." Gil pulled away from Nick but put a hand on his cheek, stroking the damp skin with his thumb. "You're very beautiful."

"You think I'll lose my looks?"

"Noooo... You'll never lose your looks...you might look a bit pale and interesting for a while though."

"Like that English poet we studied in school..."

"Byron."

"That's the one...Byronic; wasn't he melancholic? I could do melancholic."

"I'm sure you could."

"Hey, I'm sick!"

"Oh God, I'm sorr..."

""˜Oh God' back at ya, man, I'm joking...now is not the time to go losing your sense of humour, Gilbert Grissom."

"No, it isn't, I'm sorry. Let's get home and let me have a go at ravishing you."

"Ravishing, eh? Sounds promising."

"Mmmm, it does...I hope I can drive okay with this hard on."

"Me too...here, let me feel."

"Nick...not while I'm driving...oh God, yes, do that again."

"Oh no...you're driving."

"Tease."

"Yep. You know, I feel okay about it...I really do...and you, man, you found it and saved my life."

"No, I didn't, you'd have found it soon enough...it's just lucky I was in the vicinity when I was. That's all."

"That's all...but it's enough. I'll tell Ecklie you found it..." The truck swerved a little as Gil registered what Nick said.

"Tell Ecklie what?"

"Nothing much...just that you were teabagging me..."

"NICK... you can't tell him that."

"Why not? The guy's a man of the world...isn't he?"

"Not our world, Nick."

"His wife could do it to him."

"He's divorced...and please don't imprint images like that in my brain."

"No, okay...I see what you mean. You think he's got a girlfriend?"

"I have no idea and I don't really want to know."

"Don't you ever gossip about anybody?"

"No, you know I don't."

"I know...do you know things that you could tell me but won't?"

"No; I know nothing, no one ever tells me anything...well apart from...and I can't tell you that." He grinned.

"No fair."

"Tough; suck it up."

"Oh, nice, I must say, to your poor sick boyfriend."

"You could already be milking this too much."

"You reckon. It's a fine balance then?"

"Yes."

"I'll work on it."

"You do that." And a few minutes later, Gil swung the truck onto their driveway.

"You know, I'm going to look on these cancer cells as the enemy invading my body and they have to be stopped by the good guys."

"I think you're right...I've read somewhere that visualising is good."

"Yeah, I'm visualising right now."

"What do you see?"

"You, hanging over me, dripping in sweat as you try not to come before me..."

"Like I'm the enemy?"

"Oh no, not my enemy."

They'd just got into the house and Gil caught hold of Nick and hugged him.

"We're in this together. You and me."

"I know. I know you'll take care of me."

"Always."

"I don't think I want to have sex now." Nick was a bit sheepish having changed his mind.

"Okay."

"You sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure."

"I feel stupid. First I want you, then I don't. I don't know what I want, I think..."

"...you're in shock. It's been a big day, Nick. Take your time to let it all sink in. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna be okay, aren't I?"

"Yes. You are."

"You gonna take care of me?"

"Every single moment of every single day."

"I think I should phone Ecklie now."

"Good idea, get it over and done with. What do you want to drink? Are you hungry?"

"You know, I think I am. There's shrimp and noodles for dinner, I'll do it. And I'll a have a light beer, just one while I get the food ready and then work and I'll tell everyone straight off...I think that'll pay off...Catherine will be all misty eyed. Warrick and Greg will do all my work for me. And Sara? I bet she'll be real upset that she hasn't got any balls!"

"Nick!"

"Sorry, but she's a sore loser and you know it."

"Maybe. Ecklie will still be in his office now, do you want me to do it?"

"No, it's okay, I'll do it."

Gil got him a beer and Nick sat down at the kitchen table and called Ecklie.

"Conrad? It's Nick Stokes. Yeah, I'm fine...well, no, I'm not. Yeah, sorry. I mean, I feel absolutely fine, but I have to go into the hospital... Yeah, on Monday. I have cancer. Testicular cancer. Honestly, I'm fine, thanks for asking, but I'm going to be off work for a couple of weeks after the operation and I'll probably only be able to do light stuff...lab work, you know, until the oncologist says otherwise. Yeah, an operation to remove my right ball. Yeah, sounds nasty, but only an overnight stay. Yeah, and then chemotherapy or radiotherapy, a couple of times at least, they won't know that exactly until they do the lab work. Don't know how long, could be a couple of months. No, we caught it very early, it's really hardly there. How did I find it? As a matter of fact..."

Nick laughed at Gil's horror struck face and waving his hands around to try and stop Nick from saying anything.

"You got it, Conrad, he did. I'm in work Sunday night and can go straight from work to Desert Palm. No, I think I'd rather be in work, but thanks for the offer. Yeah, he's here. Thanks Conrad, I appreciate that. See ya."

Nick held the phone against his chest and whispered to Gil. "He wants to speak to you."

Gil took the phone from Nick but not without giving him a grimace.

"Conrad." He listened and as he did so his face relaxed and he started smiling. "I appreciate that Conrad, because, of course, Nick does come first. Yes, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow morning then. Yes, bye."

"He sounded very worried about it and wished me the best and said not to worry about work. Everything would be good, just get well. He guessed it was you who found it, but didn't want any details, "˜thank you very much'." Nick laughed.

"He's said if I need time off to be with you that would be okay and, if necessary, he'd move staff around to compensate, and even help out himself to keep his hand in."

"I don't think you'll need any time off to look after me, it's not like it's major surgery is it?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I won't be able to work with you in the hospital. I'll be there with you, and that's a promise."

"Okay, I'll let you." Nick was very pleased at Gil's declaration; he wasn't a coward, but he didn't want to be alone at least while he was conscious or awake. "Come on let's get dinner."

***

Later that night they were sitting around in the briefing room and had just been assigned their cases for the night. Gil was accompanying Nick, which Catherine and Sara had picked up on immediately. They actually rarely worked cases together, and Catherine was responsible for Nick's assessments.

"Before you all go out, I have something to tell you." Nick was quite calm.

He could almost see their brains move up a gear, as they immediately tried to pre-empt his announcement.

Nick cleared his throat. "I have to have an operation on Monday; I have testicular cancer and I'm having my right ball, sorry ladies, testis, removed, and then I'll be having be having chemo or radiotherapy."

Gil looked at Nick with clear admiration and love.

The team were silent, even Sara looked shocked. Greg spoke after a few moments.

"Man, I've just squeezed my legs together in sympathy. Did you get it early?"

"Very early. The oncologist said it makes all the difference; I have an almost guaranteed recovery. I don't really need the therapy afterwards, but the doc said if it was him, he'd have it, so I'm going with his advice."

"How long will you be in the hospital?" Greg was the only one who seemed able to hold a normal conversation, but he was asking the questions for which everyone wanted answers.

"If all goes okay, just one night. I'll be off work for about two weeks, and here's the bad news. Light duties until the doctor says otherwise, so I could be staying in the lab for a couple of months. That's in the hands of the oncologist."

Warrick whistled quietly.

"Is that it? I thought you'd want to know all the gory details, especially you, Catherine." Nick was lighthearted and since this had gone well, he felt confident.

"Nick, I'm so shocked and so sorry. I don't know what to say really...just that we're behind you one hundred and ten percent, and you Gil. If there's anything I...we, can do please let me know."

"Thanks, Catherine. At the moment we seem to have it covered, but we'll let you know."

"Catherine, we've already spoken to Conrad and he's going to discuss it with me in the morning before I leave. Obviously I will be taking some time off to be with Nick but at this stage, I don't know how long that will be. He said he'll move staff around to compensate and maybe lend a helping hand himself..."

"...I think we'll be able to manage, Gil, we'll all pull together for Nick and you, if it means some extra work, we'll do it. You and Nick'd do the same for any of us.

Greg and Warrick made immediate noises of agreement.

"Thank you, it means a lot. I'll speak to Conrad about the availability of extra overtime funds; it will be easier all around if we can keep it in house."

"And once I'm back at work, although I won't be able to be in the field, I'll be able to take on some of your lab work for you, so it should even itself out. It'll only be difficult when we have our rest days off."

"You're right, Nick, two of us are usually off on rest days, so if we cancel our days off while you're both off, it should work out okay." Catherine was being logical. Gil nodded, it would probably work. It was obvious that none of them wanted any outsiders muscling in on their work.

"I'm off on Monday and Tuesday, so if I cancel, Grissom's absence will be covered." Sara spoke up and Nick nearly fell of his chair, but only metaphorically. He hoped no one noticed.

Catherine grinned. "There you are: a plan. Tell Conrad, we've got it covered."

Gil laughed. "I will. It's surprising what you'll do to avoid Conrad interfering."

"We're a team, and we cope as a team. "˜All for one and one for all'." Greg's pronouncement caused them all to laugh.

"I think we need to get to work. But thank you, all of you, for Nick and for me."

"Yeah, you guys are the best." Although Nick wondered why Warrick hadn't said anything.

As Nick and Gil made their way to Gil's truck, Warrick came striding up behind them.

"Nick. Nick. I'm sorry, dude. It's knocked me sideways, you know? You never think it'll be you or anyone you know, never. If I can do anything to ease the...the burden for either of you I want you to tell me, I can do anything, man, anything you want."

"Hey, Warrick, thanks man, it means a lot. We think we've got things covered but you never know; you can be on the bench, first reserve."

"You got it. Later." And he went off to his truck.

"You're pleased about that, I can tell. He was quiet when you told everyone, and obviously it was shock."

"Yeah. They're all good friends aren't they and I think they will help if needs be...even Sara. What about her idea, that was good. Although..."

"Although what?"

"I was being uncharitable."

"Go on."

"Well it was probably done more out of fear of having an unknown supervisor, or even Conrad helping out, than anything else."

"Mmmm."

"Oh my...Dr Grissom, you're being a gossip."

"Get in the truck CSI Stokes, we have work to do."

"Yessir."

Gil smirked and Nick laughed.

When Conrad met with Gil the following morning, he readily agreed on the team plan, since it would cause the least disruption to everyone and even suggested either adding lost rest days to individual's annual leave, or making payment. It was a win-win situation and everyone would be happy with the outcome.

The days went by like lightning; they got used to the information and resumed their normal life. When Sunday evening arrived Nick had his shower early, because there was a task to complete.

Gil had volunteered and Nick was just about okay with that, but said he'd reserve the right to refuse at the first hurdle. Gil agreed that he'd probably do the same.

So after a very hot shower and towelling himself dry in a warm bathroom, Nick shouted to Gil that he was ready.

"And so am I, sweetheart." Gil spoke calmly as he walked into the bathroom with a small towel over his arm and his cutthroat razor in his hand.

"You must be fucking joking!" Nick screeched. His hands had automatically covered his genitalia, his penis shrunk to its smallest self and his balls had very nearly ascended into his abdomen, somewhere near his stomach by the feel of it. He stepped back away from Gil.

"I am, Nick. I'm joking, honestly. I'm sorry; I thought you'd think it was funny...although it would give you the best close-up shave..."

"...you think it's funny, you really think it's funny, Jesus, Gil, you bastard. Remind me to wave it around your cock some time...I'll practise circumcision on you."

"Sorry, sweetheart, I am, I promise. I thought you'd laugh." Gil was taken aback by Nick's response.

"Ha fucking ha!"

"I've got the trimmer ready; I thought I'd trim the long hair and then use a safety razor to shave you."

"Are you insane? I'm not letting you anywhere near me, go away."

"Nick, honestly it was a joke. If I'd thought for one moment you'd be this upset I'd have never have done it, I'm sorry. I really am."

Gil had thought that Nick would scream and then laugh; he'd seriously underestimated Nick's capacity for taking the joke. But then he admonished himself. Nick was going in for cancer surgery in less than twelve hours. What a stupid fool he was.

He opened the cupboard above the sink and put his razor away. He was upset that he'd upset Nick so badly.

Nick could also see that Gil was mortified by what he'd done and remembered that he'd told Gil off for losing his sense of humour and here he was behaving like a petulant queer.

"Hey, babe? Babe? Look at me. I'm the one who should be sorry, you were only joking and I know it." Nick hadn't really known it, at the time, because Gil could be a bit odd sometimes, not that he'd ever tell him that.

Nick put his arms around Gil from the back and looked at his reflection in the cupboard mirror. Gil looked devastated and almost tearful. That was worrying, since he was the cry baby, not Gil.

Nick kissed Gil's neck and hugged him really tight. "Sorry."

Gil looked at him. "Me too."

"My fault, I told you not to get all serious on me, and I have a fit when you make a joke." Nick laughed. "It was funny, but my balls didn't like the idea one bit. Tomorrow night it'll only be one ball."

"Now that isn't funny, Nick."

"It isn't, but not much we can do about it, I'm going to stay positive and not worry...now you can on shave me."

"You trust me?"

"Of course I do, you'll make a better job of it than me, better view for a start."

So Gil clipped and then shaved off Nick's pubic hair, luckily Nick's scrotum was virtually hairless and Gil just nicked the few hairs with the razor. He then smoothed on some tea tree cream he'd bought in especially for the occasion.

Of course it didn't go as smoothly as Gil had hoped because Nick's penis was up and about and taking a great deal of interest in the proceedings. It made him a little nervous, but he didn't tell Nick, he didn't want to worry him about accidentally nicking a penis, engorged with blood, with a razor, but Gil was pretty certain it featured in some horror or porn film, or both!

When he'd finished shaving, Gil took off his glasses, kneeled in front of the now seated Nick and gave him a blow job. He concentrated and gave Nick as much pleasure as he could, remembering all the little things Nick liked. Gil also gave Nick's right testicle his own private good bye; Nick didn't need to know how much he'd miss it and how much he wished it was him and not Nick who had to go through the all the treatment.

Nick was happy, and seemed relaxed. He insisted on another shower, with Gil this time and he gave Gil a soapy hand job under the hot water.

***

Nick had already packed for his short stay in the hospital and Gil had prepared his own lunch for work. Nick couldn't eat after midnight and only take sips of water, so they had decided to eat at their favourite diner on their way to work. Nick wanted to cancel since they were running late, but Gil said he didn't care. He wasn't going to miss out having an all-day breakfast with Nick, so he phoned Catherine and said they'd be in late.

To Gil's consternation she guessed why they were running late.

"Had a little last minute sex did you?"

Gil spluttered. "Catherine!"

"I'll take that as a "˜yes' then."

"We'll be in after we've eaten." He hung up before she could make any more cracks.

"You look pissed, what is it?"

"Catherine said the sex made us late."

"Did you tell her?" Nick obviously thought that was quite reasonable.

"No! I didn't make any comment, just said we'd be late..."

"...and she said it was because of the sex."

"Yes."

"She's a CSI, it's a reasonable assumption."

"She shouldn't make assumptions; she should use only evidential facts."

"Yeah. Right. This is Catherine you're talking about. You're just pissed because she guessed and you would like them to think you don't do sex, you're an intellectual celibate." Nick was laughing at Gil's outraged face.

"An...intellectual celibate...where on earth did you get that from?"

"I just made it up, come on, we'll be even later and she'll think you're at it again."

"Nick, I can't believe you're taking her side, I don't want them gossiping about our sex life."

"It's a bit late for that, babe."

"What do you mean?" Gil was suspicious now.

"Well, look at it this way: the boss, a bug man with brains, an older and distinguished man. The young man, handsome, fit, carefree and with a certain Texan charm...and you think they don't gossip?"

"Are you implying that I'm not handsome, fit and carefree?"

Nick thought for a few moments. "You're very handsome." He conceded.

They'd locked up and loaded their gear in Gil's truck by the time they'd arrived at this point in their conversation.

"There are times, Nick Stokes, when you could do with being tied to the bed and punished." Nick laughed. "And when you relate that to Catherine, ask her if she wants photographs."

Nick was still laughing as he settled into the passenger seat.

"I see you're not denying it."

"I'm saying nothing; you haven't read me my rights and I plead the fifth." Nick was still chuckling.

"Very convenient. Just as I was about to say I had a slam dunk case."

"No way, man, you've got no evidence, you're just making assumptions...I rest my case."

"It was too easy."

"I don't, you know."

"Don't what?"

"Talk about us to Catherine. I mean she's always pumping me for information and I never say a word, man, it drives her wild. She makes all kinds of wild guesses, some right, some wrong."

"Really? She's never said anything to me, apart from the odd dig about my young man. Anyway, what did she get right?"

"I don't know...she said she thought we both topped and bottomed. Mostly little things, I didn't pay much attention."

"So what did she get wrong?"

"Oh, well she said you were a Dom and I was a sub; that we were into that scene because of your intimacy with Heather. And I said to her, "˜so you think it's that way round', and she nearly choked; I kept a real straight face."

"That's about right."

"Seriously? Me, a Dom?"

"You have me wrapped around your little finger." Gil acknowledged, knowingly.

"I do, don't I?" He laughed

"You can buy breakfast. Come on."

"You're a sore loser."

"I've always been competitive."

"Really? I don't think you are, you seen pretty relaxed to me."

"I'm not as bad as I used to be."

"Like when?"

"I remember coming second in a test, at school, and very nearly throwing myself off the top of the building."

"God, Gil..."

"...only metaphorically, don't panic."

"Did you always come first then?"

"Yes, I did."

"I'm impressed."

At the diner they both ordered the, "˜All Day Breakfast Special', with coffee.

When it arrived and the plates were placed in front of them they both stared at the food.

"The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast."

"Nick you are not condemned, for God's sake. I don't think I can eat this."

"I was joking, I know...lame. Me neither. I wanted it when I ordered it, but now..."

"Yeah. Try and eat a little, and I'll do the same or you'll be very hungry at work."

"Yeah."

And so they both ate some of their breakfast and sipped at their coffee.

The good humour had disappeared and Nick's eyes appeared bright and worried and Gil had the beginnings of a headache. How quickly things change.

In the end they arrived at the lab only fifteen minutes late, and the team were still milling around. Gil was staying in all night, barring any disaster, and so was Nick. Gil would devote his night to clearing as much of his paperwork as he could, and Nick to tying up loose ends on some outstanding cases.

Neither man expected Ecklie to be waiting for them. Gil groaned when he saw him talking with Hodges.

"Oh, Nick, glad you're here. I wanted to speak you before you go into the hospital."

"Sure, break room okay?"

"Use my office, Nick." Gil volunteered.

"You might as well come in too, Gil."

"That's okay." But he caught Nick's look, and correctly interpreted it as don't you dare leave me alone with him.

"It okay, Gil, come on." Nick didn't sound, too much, as if he was pleading.

The three men stood awkwardly for a few moments and then Ecklie spoke.

"I just wanted to say, good luck. I don't suppose there's a man anywhere who would want to go through what you've got to go through, but you know it's better than the alternative. So stay positive and come back when you're ready and not before. You hear?"

"Thank you Conrad, I appreciate your kind words. I'll be back asap, don't you worry; I'll be bored out of my brain home alone."

"I think I speak for your doctor, and Gil, when I say you'll come back when they say you can come back, and not before."

Nick smiled and shrugged.

"Thank you, Conrad, for reinforcing the message, he needs to be very careful and I don't think that's sunk in yet."

"It's not a major operation, and the Doc said I can come back when the scar is fully closed and I heal real well, so that could be eight or nine days at the most."

"We'll see about that. You'll do as the doctor says."

"You sound like my mother." Nick laughed.

"Are your family coming to visit?" Ecklie wanted to know.

Nick glanced at Gil. "I've decided not to tell them until at least the op is over, maybe even until all the treatment is finished. I'd rather risk their wrath from not telling them than have hoards of Stokes' invading Vegas and our lives."

"That's your choice. You've got a big family then?"

Nick took a deep breath. "One brother five sisters one sister-in-law four brother-in-laws seven nephews five nieces...and two grandnieces. That's just the immediate family; there are aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and we're all close. I sound mean, I know, but I'm the only one that lives so far from home...if I tell them they'll want me back in the family fold and I swear...I'd suffocate...or they'd drive me mad."

"I think I understand."

"Thanks, Conrad. Explain it to Gil for me, will you?"

"Trouble in paradise, Gil?"

"No. No, there isn't, but I think the fallout from not telling them could be worse, but we've agreed to disagree and Nick's made his decision and I stand by that."

"Fair enough. I'm off now. Anything. I mean anything that I can help you with, you let me know, you understand?"

"Thanks. We will, I promise." Nick smiled and Ecklie stood there for a moment or two, then nodded and left.

***

The night was busy outside of the lab, but the team managed well enough without Gil and Nick. Nick was actually relieved because when he and Gil slipped away at seven the next morning the rest of the team were still out and only Archie saw them go, and with a slap to Nick's shoulder that was the extent of the farewells.

Traffic wasn't too bad and they were parked up at just gone half past the hour...Nick had to report at eight to the oncology surgical suite.

The men sat in silence for a few moments after Gil turned off the engine. Then Gil turned to Nick.

"I know you don't want me to say this, but I would do anything, give anything, to be the one...and not you. I'm going to be at your side day and night until you get pissed at me, and I'm still going to be there. I love you. You are the only man I've ever loved."

Nick took Gil's hand and held it between his own hands. He didn't speak but put Gil's hand up to his face and held it against his cheek with eyes tightly shut. After a minute or so, he opened them and smiled at Gil.

"And I'm so happy that it's me, and not you, because I just wouldn't know what to do if it was you. So, you know, it's worked out the best. Do you really mean it when you say you've only ever loved me?"

"Yes. I mean it."

"That's cool. I feel loved. Come on, let's get on with it."

He jumped from the truck and retrieved his duffel bag from behind his seat. Gil chuckled at Nick's sudden flurry of activity; a sure sign of nerves.

After reporting to reception a nurse, Lois, came to collect him. She showed him his room; a private room with his own bathroom, courtesy of his medical insurance. She asked him a few questions and then told him to take a shower and put on a surgical gown and call her when he'd done that and she would do all his checks before the anaesthesiologist visited, to double check. It was hoped he would be going for surgery at nine fifteen, and after recovery he'd be back in his room around midday.

Gil kept firmly in the background and sat in a visitor's chair. Nick went off to shower and seemed to take an age. Just about when Gil was getting ready to knock on the bathroom door and see if everything was okay, Nick emerged scrubbed clean and wearing a front tying surgical robe.

"I think this should go this way round, "˜cause normally they go on backwards don't they, but the label is at the back. I don't really know, Lois'll clue me in."

"You've taken a long time. You okay?"

"Yeah, I am. I gave myself a thorough washing down and then decided to shave as well. Don't know when I'll be able to shave again and you know how bushy my beard gets." He chuckled because they knew that Nick's beard was not thick...he could get a good enough moustache and goatee after a couple of weeks, but his cheeks remained resolutely patchy and beard free. Unlike Gil.

Gil stood up and made a big play of checking the smooth cheeks of his lover. This was a really favourite time for Gil...Nick, clean and fresh and just ready for sex. He didn't think the hospital would appreciate him bending Nick over the bed to fuck him. But, having thought that scurrilous thought he knew that getting his own erection at that moment would prove impossible.

He didn't want to add to Nick's worry so was trying very hard to be his normal self and yet inside his heart was breaking and he was sick with worry...even knowing that the prognosis was very good.

"I know what you're thinking."

"You do, do you?"

"Yeah; there's no way I'm letting you play doctors and nurses!"

Gil laughed, happy that his subterfuge was working. "Spoilsport...but we'll have plenty of time for that when you're mended."

Nick was suddenly serious. "You think I'll be okay...sex...that information leaflet said that sometimes..."

"...you will be fine. You're far too sexy for your own good. I'm probably going to have to keep giving you cold showers."

"You would, wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

They kissed, just gently and chastely, and of course the nurse chose that moment to walk back into the room.

"Sorry guys. The anaesthesiologist will be here in ten minutes so I have to get the checks done straight away. First of all though can I check that you're shaved properly? Some men...and women, have differing ideas on just how much needs to be removed."

Nick lifted his gown and then remembered to ask about the gown. "Is this gown on the right way?"

"Yes it is...front fastening is the new back fastening. Good job, Nick. Very well prepared."

"Gil did it. With a cutthroat razor."

"Nooo!"

"No, just kidding." They all laughed but Nick and Gil knew the truth of that statement.

She asked all the usual questions and ticked her list as Nick answered. She checked his temperature and blood pressure and finally put his plastic security bracelet on his wrist.

"All done. Now get into bed and Dr Freeman will be..."

A doctor walked through the door.

"...is here." Lois finished. She signed her form and handed it to the young woman.

"Thanks, Lois. Hi, Nick. Is it okay to call you, "˜Nick'?"

"No problem."

"I'm Jenny, and I'll be supervising your anaesthetic and pain relief." She then double checked all the information including his wrist band and took his blood pressure and temperature again."

"Everything okay's and we're good to go. Any questions?"

"No, I can't think of anything."

"Good. See you very soon then..."

"...what about a pre-med, don't I have to have one?"

"Not any more, unless you were particularly worried and agitated and maybe your blood pressure was elevated because of that, but you're in good shape. Okay?"

"Yeah, thanks." Jenny had cheered him up because he thought he was nervous and agitated and if she didn't think he was, then that was okay by him.

"Good. See you soon." She smiled at them both and was gone.

"It's really going to happen."

"Yes, but the quicker you get it done the quicker the recovery, that's what Dr Gupta said."

"Yeah. I'm thirsty and hungry."

"Try not to think about it."

"Easier said than done." To prove his point his stomach rumbled.

"Oh dear. Not long to go." Gil checked his watch it was ten minutes to nine.

Just a few minutes later two porters came into the room with a wheelchair, and after checking his name settled him in the wheelchair covering his legs and lap with a blanket.

"May I have just one minute please?" Gil asked them.

One of them spoke. "No longer than half a minute, we're on a tight schedule here." But they left the room.

Gil leaned over Nick and kissed him. "Good luck, baby, I'll stay right here and wait for you. Love you."

"Love you right back." Nick kissed his finger and pressed it to Gil's lips. He nodded and Gil opened the door. It had taken a lot less than thirty seconds.

Gil sat down heavily in the chair he'd been using, and wished for the millionth time, he was sure, that it was him having to endure this, and not Nick.

He didn't think he would sleep but the next thing he knew, Lois was waking him. "Nick's due back any minute. It's all over and it went well."

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

"I'm just the messenger."

A moment or two later the door was opened by one of the porters from earlier and a gurney was wheeled in and Nick was fast asleep, lying on his left side.

Gil noticed that because his surgery was on his right testis.

He was woken up and asked to lie on his back so they could transfer him to his bed. Gil could see that he really was still out of it. He smiled as Nick tried to bat away hands that wanted him to move, but eventually he was rolled onto his back and swiftly transferred to his bed and covered with his blankets. The porters left with their gurney.

Lois took Nick's temperature, his blood pressure and checked his drip. This was delivering fluids and a low dose of morphine, promised by Dr Gupta. She updated his chart.

"He's doing fine. I'll be in to check every thirty minutes, but if there is any change, use the call button."

"I will; thank you, Lois."

"You're welcome." And off she went, leaving Gil to look closely at Nick.

He looked absolutely fine; his skin had a healthy colour and Gil noticed his eyelashes lying on his cheek. Impossibly long and dark and his perfectly shaped eyebrows...even asleep and drugged, he was still the most handsome man Gil had ever seen. Gil smiled. No, he was the most beautiful.

He leaned over Nick and kissed his forehead and then taking hold of his hand, Gil settled back in his chair to wait and promptly fell asleep again.

What woke him was his hand being squeezed, hard and painfully. As he pulled himself to wakefulness he tried to pull his hand away but Nick was holding onto it with quite ferocious strength.

As Gil realised what was happening he was instantly fully awake.

"Nick, sweetheart, you're back." Gil was very happy to see Nick awake. "Hey, ease up on my hand."

As he spoke he saw that Nick looked afraid, fearful. "What's wrong, Nick, sweetheart, what is it?" The pain in his hand forgotten, he put his other hand on Nick's face.

And the beautiful face crumbled into distress and Nick began to sob, his whole body wracked with heart wrenching sobs.

Gil was momentarily panic stricken. He thought maybe Nick was in terrible pain.

"Nick! Nick! What's wrong? Are you in pain? Tell me, babe, please tell me."

Nick couldn't speak, he was crying so hard that his body shuddered with the intensity, but he did manage a shake of his head. Gil was a little relieved.

"Try and tell me, babe, what's wrong?"

Nick did try to speak but couldn't.

"Shall I get the nurse?"

This time Nick shook his head quite violently.

"You must try and tell me. Here." Gil got a handful of tissues and tried to dab at Nick's face, at least Nick took the tissues and tried to wipe his tears and blow his nose, but he couldn't stop crying.

"I think I need to get the nurse." Gil said gently.

This time Nick was able to wail. "Nooo..." And then started sobbing heavily again.

Gil was worried and perplexed. He pulled his chair much closer to the bed and reached over and started running his hand through Nick's hair, tying to soothe him. He wouldn't call anyone just yet, in the hope that he could get Nick to calm down, at least a little, and find out what was wrong.

As he stoked Nick's hair and head he felt Nick start to relax a little and then his sobs started to die away and then Gil realised that Nick had fallen back into his half sleep, half drugged state. This time Gil didn't sleep. He tried mopping Nick's face with some tissues and he then just sat there still petting his lover and worrying about what was wrong.

Lois came into the room some minutes later and Gil was torn about telling her what had happened, but since Nick appeared to have settled down he decided to respect Nick's adamant refusal to tell the nurse. He'd see how he was when he woke up again.

Gil sat over Nick and since Nick was calm, he gradually nodded off to sleep again. He tried to stay awake but he knew he was fighting a losing battle, he was tired and the room was so warm.

And the same thing happened but this time Nick woke him by shaking his arm that lay on the bed in front of him.

"Gil. Gil. Gil." He heard Nick whispering his name sounding desperate.

"Nick? What's the matter, sweetheart?"

In a small voice just about ready to break into tears again, Nick spoke. "Do you really love me? Do you really mean it? Are you going to stay with me?" His voice broke on the last question and he was sobbing again.

***

Gil's first thought was one of horror, what was making Nick doubt him, but then he realised he'd had surgery, which was traumatic, and he had cancer. He leaned over Nick and put one arm on Nick's pillow so he could smooth his hair again and the other he put around Nick to rub his back.

"Nick, I love you more than life itself. I really mean it. I promise I'll never leave you. I promise."

Nick was nodding but still crying and Gil's eyes pricked with his own tears. Nick was obviously in the throes of fighting some inner demon.

"Shhh, babe, shhh...I love you. I love you...shhh..."

Gradually Nick calmed down and spoke again, but still only a whisker away from crying.

"I don't...know...what's wrong...with me..." Nick was speaking but his voice was weak and he was hiccoughing from having cried so much and so hard. "I was lying here...watching you sleep...and I thought you might leave...leave me." And then he was crying again, not quite as badly as before but certainly like his heart was breaking.

"I'm not going to leave you, baby, I'm going to take care of you. And then when you're better you've got start caring for me again, like you do."

Nick nodded again. "Like doing it...taking care of you...making you eat healthy and exercise...more."

"And I promise I'll do more. Shall I start going to the gym with you...when you've got the all clear?"

That brought a very tentative smile from Nick. "You'd do that? For...me?"

"I've promised you now haven't I, I'll have to."

Another smile but then he started crying yet again. "Why did I get...cancer? Why me?"

"If I knew the answer to that question I'd be a wealthy man. You do everything you can to stay healthy...it's just not fair is it?"

"No...glad it's me and not you, though...I'd hate for you to be sick."

"And you know that I think exactly the opposite."

"I've got cancer and I've only... only... got one ball left... How can you love you?"

And now Nick was sobbing even more.

"Nick, you are sooo easy to love, it doesn't matter about your ball. It doesn't matter, sweetheart, shhh..."

He was getting worried about why Nick was acting like this. He knew Nick was a sensitive man and he could cry easily, but not like this and not for these reasons...he would cry at happy and sad films and sometimes after sex. In fact, when times were rough he was usually very stoical.

Gil knew that he should tell the nurse, there might be something wrong and that thought made him worry more. He was still deciding whether to press the call button when the matter was, thankfully, taken out of his hands. Lois walked in to do her check.

"Oh, I thought you'd two would be asleep like last time, regular...sleeping beaut..." Her speech petered out as she saw Gil's worried face and with Nick's back to her she walked around the bed and saw that he was sobbing as quietly as he could, and hiccoughing with his sobs.

"Oh dear, Nick, what's wrong?"

Nick shook his head and tried hard to stop crying.

Gil spoke up. "He just woke up and was very upset like this...worrying that I don't love him...that I'll leave him."

"He's not going to leave you. What's happened is that you've had a reaction to the anaesthetic. It's not that common but the drugs can make you hyper-sensitive and anxious. Don't worry. I'll call Dr Freeman and get her to prescribe a mild sedative and then when you wake up again you'll be just fine, it really is that quick. Just hold on for a few minutes."

She left the room but not before Gil had thoughts of hugging her. It just hadn't crossed his mind that Nick could be suffering from some kind of side effect. He'd certainly never heard of it before. But even if it wasn't common, Lois knew about it, so it would be okay.

"Did you hear that sweetheart? It's just the anaesthetic making you feel bad. I'm not leaving you and when you've had a sedative you'll sleep and then wake up and remember that I do love you, very much."

There was no doubt about it; Nick had definitely perked up a little. Even he could understand that the way he felt was not actually him but the drugs he had in his system.

About ten minutes later, when Nick was actually dozing again, Lois came in with a shot and injected it into his line. "He'll be fine. Just an anxiety attack."

Gil whispered to her. "Thank you. I was worried, I've never seen him like that but it never occurred to me that it could be a side effect."

"I see one about every three or four months... I must say it's usually after longer operations when they've had a higher dose of anaesthetic. But still, he'll be fine I'm sure. I bet you could do with a shot too?"

He chuckled. "That would be a very good idea."

Lois left the room and Gil sat back in his chair feeling very exhausted, but as he looked at Nick, sleeping, his breath caught at his red face and his swollen eyes. He sat back in his chair and for sheer relief he wept for a few minutes. For his love.

When he'd regained his composure he slipped into the bathroom and washed his face and patted his eyes with cold water. When he went back into the room Lois was there checking on Nick again.

"You haven't eaten have you? Nick's going to be out of it for hours, you should go and eat and get some fresh air."

Gil looked torn; he was starving hungry, now that she'd mentioned it, and he bet there'd be a quite a few voice messages on his cell. But he looked down at Nick. "Are you sure he won't wake up?"

"Very unlikely. But I can put the speaker on and we can listen in while we're at the desk."

"Okay then."

"Good. Give me your cell number and I'll call you if we need you. Actually it might be someone else as I'm off duty in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Lois, for all your help."

"You're welcome. I know you'll take care of him." She touched his forearm as she left the room and Gil found it very comforting; the contact.

Gil went to the cafeteria and ate a sandwich...unusually made from sawdust, or so he thought. But he was hungry. When he'd finished that, and a soda, he just couldn't face their coffee or tea, he wondered out of the hospital into the hot early evening, he found a seat a few hundred yards away and switched on his cell.

He wished he hadn't. The phone buzzed for several minutes indicating voice messages and texts. He read the texts first, but most of them were to tell him he had voice messages. So he then listened to each message. They were all about Nick. Gil was heartened that the team had all wanted to know how he was. Even Sara.

He called Conrad first, then Catherine, Warrick, Greg, Jim, Al, Wendy, Sara and Dave, whom Nick always called Super Dave; Gil had no idea why. Catherine and Warrick had called twice.

He didn't speak to all of them because their cells went to messaging, but he spoke to Conrad, Catherine, Warrick, Jim and Super Dave and left messages for the others.

He gave them the bare facts without embellishment; the operation had gone very well and Nick was resting comfortably without pain but obviously very drowsy. He thought Nick would be discharged tomorrow, but that would be up to his doctor.

They all sent best wishes or love and they all offered their help if need be.

When he'd finished Gil felt heartened by the warmth of feeling from the team. They were their friends, of that he had no doubt.

With renewed vigour in his tired body he returned to Nick's room. Nick was still asleep, or more likely half comatose with the drugs.

But there was a major change in the room.

There were two huge bouquets of flowers, an enormous basket of fresh fruit, and a box that looked like high-end candy and two helium balloons fastened to the top of the bed. They were kids' "˜get well soon' balloons of Eeyore and Squarebob Spongepants, and Gil guessed, quite rightly, that they were from Greg.

Gil inspected the fruit basket, and there was no doubt in his mind that he'd be stealing some of the fruit from it. He was sure Nick wouldn't mind if he took a banana and a few strawberries and maybe even a kiwi fruit. In truth there was so much variety he couldn't decide. He looked at the card. It was from Catherine.

The candy was a box of Ghirardelli chocolates. The moment Gil saw them he thought that maybe he should hide them from Nick and eat them all himself...after all Nick watched his weight and ate far too healthily to eat that much chocolate! Then he felt mean, Nick was the one who was sick, but Gil would tell him of his villainous thoughts. Jim has sent these...so they were probably sent with Gil in mind...on the card Jim had warned Nick to, 'hide them from Gil'. Gil smiled at the impossibility of that; Gil's highly tuned nose could seek out candy like a heat seeking missile.

The flowers were from the lab rats and Al and Dave.

Gil thought Nick would be very happy seeing all these presents when he awoke.

A nurse came in a few minutes later when Gil was deciding which fruit to purloin.

"Good evening, I'm Stella. Lois said you'd been here all day?"

"That's correct."

"I'm afraid you won't be able to stay overnight, not in this room anyway."

Gil was shocked; he had intended to stay with Nick all night, no one had said he couldn't before now. "Oh." He couldn't think of anything more to say.

"Nick will probably be discharged tomorrow, as expected, and if you're going to be looking after him you do need to rest and be ready for that. It would be best...for both of you."

There was no doubt that that was the most logical thing for him to do. He looked at his watch, it was nearly eight o'clock...twelve hours since they'd arrived that morning.

"I agree it would be best, but what time do I have to leave?"

"Before ten."

"Okay. But I need to tell Nick that I have to go, if he wakes up and I'm not here, he'll be...upset."

"Lois said he'd had an anxiety attack. What about waking him now, see how he feels and you can tell him...and he really could do with eating and drinking something.

"I brought some apple juice with us, he likes that and then there is all this fruit...he loves fruit."

"Good idea."

"It's been a couple of hours since he was sedated so let's see if we can rouse him. Needs to be done anyway."

"Okay." Gil was a bit surprised at his total compliance to her wishes. It was clear that Stella was used to getting her own way.

"Nick. Nick. I want you to wake up for me."

It occurred to Gil that Nick had better do as she said or there could be consequences. Stella was of the old school. As if on cue Nick did start to move and mumble. Gil moved closer to him and held his hand.

"Come on, Nick. Time to get up for work."

That worked. "What..." He opened his eyes and squinted up at the nurse and then Gil. "I gotta go to work?" He slurred in his broadest Texan drawl.

"Do you think you should, sweetheart?"

"Nooo, not tonight, too tired."

"Nick, do you know where you are?" Stella asked him.

"Don't know...who are you...where's Lois?" He did remember then, Gil smiled.

"You do know where you are, come on."

"My stomach hurts... I had my balls taken away."

"Only one of them, sweetheart. Is your pain bad?"

"Stomach ache, is all."

"My name's Stella, Nick, and I'll be around all night, Lois has gone home."

"Okay, I wanna go back to sleep."

"You can, Nick, but you need to drink something first...your partner has some apple juice for you, do you want that or some water?"

"Apple juice."

Gil took it out of the drawer by the bed and opened the carton with the straw and placed the straw in Nick's mouth. He drank it down slowly and finished the carton.

"Catherine has sent you an enormous basket of fruit; do you want something from it...I think I'm going to have a banana."

"Okay, I'll let you. Do you want one too, Stella?"

"Thank you, but I'm okay for now."

"Nick, what fruit do you want?"

"A strawberry."

Gil knew he'd choose that, they were his favourite fruit. He pulled one from the basket and removed the stalk and gave it to Nick. He ate it and appeared to savour it.

"Another?"

Nick nodded. He ate five. Stella took his temperature and blood pressure and noted his chart and then left the men alone.

"I'm glad she's gone she frightens me a bit." Gil chuckled at his admission.

Nick was fast losing the battle to stay awake.

"Nick. They won't let me stay in your room after ten o'clock...I could stay in the waiting room if you want me to?"

"Go home. Sleep in our bed. Take some fruit, do you good."

"Jim's sent you a box of chocolates."

"Don't take those home you'll eat them all. I made a fool of myself didn't I? Crying like a baby."

"No, you didn't, don't think that; it was an adverse reaction to the anaesthetic. Not a common one but nevertheless a side effect. Lois gave you a sedative and you're fine now, aren't you?"

"I suppose I am. So tired though. You go home and then come back in the morning. Let me sleep."

"Are you sure."

"Mmmm...so tired. Nice strawberries."

"I love you, Nick."

"I know you do. Gotta sleep."

Gil leaned over and kissed Nick's already sleeping lips and then took his hand and kissed his fingers.

Nick was fine about him leaving. The only problem was that he wasn't fine about leaving Nick.

***

Gil could go back into Nick at ten the next morning, but at nine thirty he was waiting and Lois saw him.

"Go on in, I'll let you." She smiled at Gil and he smiled his thanks back.

He was shocked to see Nick out of bed and sitting in a chair actually texting. As Gil walked through the door his cell buzzed.

"That's me telling you to get your ass over here." Nick smiled and gently pushed himself up out of the chair.

Gil almost jumped the last feet to be at his side. "Careful; you okay?"

"I'm fine and I've been told to try and move around a bit. I can go home."

"When you've seen Dr Gupta."

"Been there, done that, got the tee shirt."

"Really? Already?" Gil was disappointed because he'd wanted to see the doctor, too.

"Seven thirty he was here...and I know what you're thinking but I am capable of understanding what he told me and following his instructions."

"You know me too well. And?"

"The op went very well...textbook, he said. And I haven't got stitches I've got staples. I've got to take a little light exercise...steady walking, he suggested, nothing more until he says so...and no driving either. I'm back next Monday morning to remove the staples, get the results and, depending on the results, start whichever therapy I need, as a day patient, so he'll set out the regime based on what kind of cancer it is...was...because he said he's very certain that he's removed the entire primary tumour. The insurance covers all treatments. He's given me half a dozen fact sheets to read, but it's stuff we've already seen on-line. That's it. Oh, and I've peed, I had no idea I had in a catheter until Lois pulled it out...that was nasty."

"But how do you feel, sweetheart?"

"I feel okay. I do. But hold on. Have you kissed me, hugged me; man you're cruising."

"Very remiss of me." Gil gently folded his arms around Nick and Nick rested against Gil as Gil kissed his hair and then nibbled at his ear. Nick pulled back.

"What about last night? I can remember saying all those things, but I can't remember why. Lois told me it was just a reaction and it's over and done with."

Gil smiled. "Well I must say it frightened the bejesus out of me. I had no idea people could have that kind of reaction."

"What?" Nick appeared shocked. "Something Gil Grissom didn't know? Must be a first!" He laughed.

"Okay, I'll let you get away with that, but only because you're in the hospital, once I get you home it'll be a different story." He kissed Nick and licked at his lower lip and pushed his tongue into his mouth. But no sooner had he found Nick's tongue that he pulled back.

"How does your scrotum feel?"

"Weird. I've put on my tighty-whiteys as instructed, but I feel as if I should be listing to my left because it's heavier. It doesn't hurt, but I've had a painkiller. My stomach feels as if I've done too much exercise and pulled a muscle...and just to warn you, I've got gas...a lot of gas."

"As if that's any different from your norm."

"Pot and kettle!"

"I'm a little more discreet..."

"...yeah, silent, but deadly! Hey, come on, let's go home. I had some of the fruit with my oatmeal this morning and I thought I might give the nurses the chocolates to save you from them."

Gil was disappointed but feigned horror at Nick's words.

"It's a joke; I couldn't give away Jim's present to me."

Gil sighed a sigh of genuine relief.

Nick dressed, carefully, with Gil hovering beside him. Nick smiled at him but didn't want to burst his bubble just yet, because if he hovered around too much at home, it would drive Nick mad. But he knew Gil needed to be needed just now.

And their lives got into a routine very quickly. Nick explained, quite rationally, that Gil should go back to work on the Tuesday night and lose as little time as he could at this stage. Nick tried to make light of it, but it could well be that the next treatments would be more gruelling and Gil might be needed at home more often.

Gil couldn't fault the argument that Nick made. But at the same time he felt as if he wanted to be glued to Nick's side and he felt sick at the thought of leaving Nick alone. It was Nick who pointed out that it was Gil, and not him, who didn't want to be alone.

In the end Gil had to agree that he should go to work; so they went to bed and both slept the afternoon away.

Gil woke at their normal getting up time and lay in the dark room watching Nick breathe, steadily and rhythmically and seemingly without a care in the world. That was Nick. He had an inner core of steely strength that had amazed Gil when he first realised. He was a straightforward and uncomplicated man. He had a set of values and he followed them. Gil supposed that his genes and upbringing had made him the man he was.

It appeared to Gil that all of the Stokes' had this approach and they all had made careers in some form or other of public service. They had money and yet the work ethic and duty was foremost in all their minds. That's the way they seemed to him...but he was still a definite outsider.

Gil suddenly had a feeling of dread about telling Judge and Mrs Stokes...Bill and Jill; he still smiled when he thought of them and their names...about Nick's ordeal. Gil had to bow to Nick's wishes and not speak to them until after he'd had all his treatment, and had the all clear. But Gil thought the repercussions to Nick of them being excluded until after the event, could seriously harm their apparently easy going relationship. His decision, in Gil's opinion, would be seen as being selfish and distrustful.

A complete antithesis of Nick himself.

Gil was sure there was more to it, but when he pressed Nick on the subject he'd been adamant and unyielding. And not prepared to discuss it further. His standard response was what he'd given Ecklie; he couldn't bear the thought of an invasion of over-caring, over-bearing Stokes. But Gil knew that that was only a half-truth.

Nick moved in his sleep and a frown appeared on his face and moments later he awoke.

"Ow..."

Gil was instantly alert.

"What's wrong?"

"Jus' hurtin' a bit s'all." Nick slurred in a sleepy voice and then gingerly manoeuvred himself around until his face relaxed.

"Do you need some pain relief?"

"Nah...okay. Still tired though."

"I have to get up now, are you hungry?"

Nick opened his eyes and properly focussed on Gil. "You know I could eat something. No idea what though."

"I'll go and shower and shave, so you give it some thought. Do you want to take a piss? Do you need help to get up?"

"I'm okay, and when I'm ready to get up I'll see if I can do it on my own. Okay?"

"Okay, sweetheart. I'm getting the message...don't suffocate you."

Nick chuckled. "You can...a bit."

Gil chuckled too and leaned over Nick and just gave him a quick kiss on his mouth. He pulled back and Nick was grinning.

"What?"

Nick pulled the bedclothes up and peered down. "There's a spark of life down there."

"No! Really?" Gil pulled the bedclothes back further and peered down at the bulge in Nick's briefs. "That's more than me. Is it piss proud?"

"No, it is not. It said you can as long as you don't do anything strenuous and pull the stiches...the staples. I reckon you could blow me."

"Do you think so? Do you want me to?"

"Doh? I do, man, I need to know that the equipment survived intact...or nearly intact anyway. Besides, a little morning, or early evening blow starts the day just right."

"I don't know. I don't want to hurt you."

Nick fondled his bulge and it grew more. "If you hurt me, I'll holler."

"You will? You will, I'm sure. Okay. Here goes." Gil pulled the bedclothes off altogether and looked down at Nick. "I'll kneel between your legs and bend over. Stop me if it hurts..."

"...yeah, yeah, get on with it. You'll be talking it back to sleep if you're not careful."

Gil raised his eyebrows at Nick. "You're running a fine line here, Nick, just so you know. Pull your own briefs down."

Nick grinned and pulled his underwear down carefully over the dressing and checked it to see if it looked okay. It did. His dick sprang up not in the least concerned. "He doesn't look as if he's missing one of his play mates does he?"

"He does not." Gil grinned. "Going down...but no fancy stuff." He held the head of the dick and then bent over and licked it...it obviously appreciated that because it jerked so he licked around the head and the sucked at it a little and Nick groaned.

Gil jumped back as if he'd been burned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing? It was good. That's what I normally do...groan." He looked at Gil as Gil's face changed as he realised he was telling the truth. "God, this is going to take a long time. You want me to just jerk off?"

"No...I'm good...just a bit nervous. It'll be good, I promise." Although Gil didn't feel as optimistic as he sounded. He was seriously spooked about the chances of hurting Nick.

But he applied himself to the task in hand and was soon sucking almost like he would normally but he stayed well clear of Nick's scrotum. Nick was making his normal appreciative sounds though he was staying quite still. Gil sensed that Nick was getting harder so he sucked harder and pushed his mouth lower and as licked and sucked back up he could feel the familiar tension in Nick as he approached his orgasm. He pulled back one more time and he felt Nick's hand slide down beneath his chin and hold his own sac...something that Gil would normally do, he knew.

But Gil took it as a sign and pushed down the whole way swallowing Nick's erection nearly to the base and then he pulled back and before he could go down on Nick, Nick was pushing into his mouth again and Gil was forced to swallow and suck as Nick suddenly pushed almost into his throat and started to come. Gil sucked and licked as Nick groaned and pumped. Gil pulled back licking off Nick as he gradually released the softening dick.

He sat back on his haunches and looked at Nick. He was sweating hard...his upper body was covered with sweat and he was breathing hard with his eyes screwed shut. His right hand was still cradling his scrotum. Gil looked for anything that was different from he'd seen before but it all looked perfectly normal.

Nick pulled his knees up and then opened his eyes and grinned. "Happy to have got that out of the way."

"Was it...okay? Any pains?"

"Not really. I could feel my scar tugging as I came but it didn't hurt...was just kind of tight. It didn't feel any different. My balls still...no, my ball still contracted but it felt like two. It's funny to hold though. I'm good. Hey, you haven't come."

"No." Gil answered incredulously. "I'm far too fucking nervous to come."

Nick started to laugh. "Don't make me laugh. No."

"I'm going to get in the shower. I can use the shower gel and my hand. Have you thought what you want to eat?"

"A cheese salad sandwich."

"Is that all?"

"Yeah. With some pickles."

"Okay. I'll have the same. Keep everyone away from me at work."

The week flashed past. Gil went to work every night, including his days off to "˜bank' the days for when Nick would need him more. Warrick and Greg visited Nick, separately; they shot the breeze, discussing old cases, old games and old gossip. Catherine, Sara and Conrad all spoke to him on the phone.

Nick was right when he said he healed fast he was no longer taking painkillers after the third day and was walking four times a day, short strolls is what he called them but Gil was worried he was overdoing it but then Nick appeared to be in excellent health. He looked good and Gil knew there was no way he could pretend to look so well, so had to accept, reluctantly, the situation for what it was. He was a completely redundant carer.

On the other hand his work had never been more up to date. He was concentrating on his work, at work, to keep his mind focussed and off Nick or in fact he wouldn't have been able to work at all. In truth he was becoming obsessive and he knew it; if he could keep his in-tray clear then Nick would be kept clear of cancer. When he found himself thinking these thoughts, he sat back in his chair and took off his glasses...and gave himself an internal lecture. He wasn't superstitious; he'd never been superstitious and would not become superstitious.

Trouble was...he wasn't listening to himself. And the other trouble was that he thought he would crumble under the pressure of any more bad news. He'd just never had to deal with it personally...his hearing loss had been his most difficult problem in all his adult life until now. When the going got tough...he was obviously going to fall apart.

***

Nick was due at the hospital at seven-thirty on the Monday morning. He had to report to the nurses' station for his staples to be taken out and for a blood test. His appointment with Dr Gupta was at eight-fifteen. Gil had been at work but had left early to return home, shower, eat breakfast and then take Nick to Desert Palm.

A nurse saw him dead on time and took his blood sample first, filling four capsules. She then removed his staples, almost painlessly with just a few twinges, and then she declared that he had an excellent and neat incision, and that it was very well healed. She sent him to wait for Dr Gupta and it was hardly seven-forty five. It was not long enough to go in search of a decent cup of coffee but long enough to be fidgeting.

Gil regaled Nick with as many work related stories as he could remember. Telling him how they'd found this bit of evidence and that...in truth, Nick was listening and absorbing the information and asked questions about the procedures they'd followed and when his name was called he was quite surprised, especially since it was a good fifteen minutes early.

As the nurse showed them to Dr Gupta's office she explained that the eight o'clock appointment was running late. They walked into the office and Dr Gupta stood and shook their hands and told them to take a seat.

"Mr Stokes, Nick, isn't it. First of all, let's take a look at the incision. Just stand and loosen your pants." Nick did and held his pants and briefs down as Dr Gupta bent down and stared at his groin and pressed around the area a little. Nick didn't flinch.

"I must say I made a very good job of that." He stood up, obviously very pleased with his handiwork. "Any pain or discomfort?"

"Sometimes if I turn too quickly...I forget about it and it reminds me it's there...but other than that? Nothing."

"Good. That's good." He sat down and looked at his folder again while Nick fastened his pants and sat down.

"The good news is as far as I'm concerned is that I excised, along with your right testis, all of the cancer. It was a small encapsulated tumour measuring six millimetres. Testing of the tissue around the tumour showed no spread at all. It was what we would classify as stage one. However..." He paused and both Nick and Gil held their breath because they'd been lulled into a false sense of security. "The cancer was a teratoma. This is the more virulent of testicular cancer...but..." And he paused again and looked at the men and smiled.

"Gentlemen. We caught it very early...indeed. I think we could probably get away with just monitoring you and doing no other treatment but you asked me when you visited the first time, what I would do if it was me. And I would have two courses of the BEP regimen so that is what I'm recommending for you."

"Yes. Do it."

"I must stress to you that with the treatment...known as adjuvant chemotherapy...your chances of a complete recovery with no relapse are probably in the region of...I don't know...one hundred percent?" He smiled broadly.

Nick nodded. "I've read all about the adjuvant...and the BEP therapy. Bleomycin, etoposide and cisplatin..."

"...if only all my patients were as well read. Now the blood tests you had this morning will have been sent straight to the labs for testing and the appropriate amounts of the chemo drugs will have been prepared for you. It's an individual cocktail...just for you. It takes twenty four days for one cycle to complete so two cycles will be finished after forty-two days...no rest days as there's no third treatment." He smiled at them and then continued. It will be administered via a line in your arm...together with a litre of saline. Takes about an hour or so and then you can go home and come back tomorrow.

"You understand the side effects?" They both nodded. "You will lose your hair if not after the first complete treatment then definitely after the second. It will grow back. Nausea and vomiting. We will give you anti-emetic drugs to combat that. Those are the two most common side effects; there are lots of others that can happen but often do not, you will have a list with all the details given to you and the nurse will explain all about it to you.

"Have you any questions? The nurse will also explain about the chemotherapy regimen. I will see at the end of the treatment and I fully expect to discharge you, except for regular check-ups."

"Thank you, Dr Gupta. You have been up front about everything and I appreciate that. See you in a couple of months then?"

"I will, Nick. Take care." He stood from his desk and walked them to the door after shaking their hands again. When he opened the door a nurse walked straight over to them, as if she'd been waiting and spoke.

"Nicholas Stokes?"

"Nick. Yeah."

"I'm Susan; please come with me."

"Can Gil...I mean...this is my partner he's with me."

"Of course he can we have a suite of rooms for chemotherapy and they are family friendly."

Within minutes Susan had Nick settled in a very comfortable chair with Gil sitting alongside.

"You just stay there while I get all the drugs and kit and then I'll talk you through the procedure. There's a coffee pot over there. Help yourself Gil, but don't drink anything just yet, Nick."

"Okay. You get one, babe."

"I'm okay." Susan left them alone for the first time since they'd been told.

"I wasn't expecting the teratoma."

"No. But still it's very good news. Stage one. This is only precautionary chemotherapy." Gil hoped he sounded optimistic because he too had been expecting it to be the less virulent form of testicular cancer, seminoma; although he had no idea why.

"Yeah. You're right. I'm being stupid. It's still good news where cancer is concerned and he's fully expecting a hundred percent recovery." Nick grinned at Gil. "Cheer up...you look as if I've been given bad news."

"I'm sorry. I'll get a coffee." Gil made his excuse just so he didn't have to look at Nick for a moment or two. He was sick to his stomach. Even the good news and he knew it was good news, made him fear for Nick and he wished with all his heart it was him.

Susan came back. She'd put on latex gloves and carried a bag of fluid. She put it on the table by Nick and pulled a stand over to hang it on and then got a new tube and cannula still in the sterile packets and dressings. She pulled a stool up to Nick and took his left arm.

"I'm assuming you'll want to have it in your left arm because you're right handed aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"I'll put it in your arm just above your wrist. It may become sore as the treatment continues but I will leave the cannula in place for the whole treatment if I can because it will be easier on you. Just cover it up with waterproof bandages when you shower. I'll get some for you. Now I'll get this started and then I'll tell you all about regimen. Okay with that?"

"Yeah." Nick didn't look as she put the cannula in his arm and he felt only a mild pinch as she did it. Gil watched and then held onto Nick's right hand.

"There. In." She picked up the bag of fluid. "Okay, what's your name and date of birth?" She smiled as he told her. "Then this has your name on it."

It must have taken her all of thirty seconds to put it up, connect it to the line, fasten the line to the cannula and switch on the flow of fluid.

"Most people don't notice a thing but some people say it feels cold or hot...it's actually body temp. But it's up and running. Now." She sat down on the stool and peeled off the gloves. She took a chart and checked the time and wrote it down. It was eight forty-two.

"So this is how it works...we've just started an infusion of etoposide and cisplatin. These are two of the three drugs in the regimen you'll receive. They're not nice drugs, they're nasty dangerous drugs...but they kill cancer. To kill cancer you've got to fight like with like."

Nick smiled. He didn't want to stop her and say that he knew all this...he'd googled it all and knew it nearly word for word.

"Tomorrow, we give you bleomycin, on its own. Then on days three, four and five it's back to just the two you're having today. Then you rest for four days and on day nine you come in and just have the bleomycin on its own again. Then a rest week and on day sixteen you have bleomycin again. Then another rest week taking you to day twenty-four. That's your first cycle complete. Then we start at day one again. I have leaflets about all of this treatment and the side effects.

"It's the side effects that cause the trouble and I bet you know all about them. Most people do because when everyone talks about chemo...it the side effects everyone remembers." Nick nodded.

"Before this first bag is finished I will inject an anti-sickness drug into the line for you. We do it automatically. If you are sick or have diarrhoea the most important thing to remember is to keep hydrated. Sips of ice cold water. Juice. Try to avoid hot drinks. You'll be back here tomorrow morning. Same time. So if you have anything to report we'll hear about it then. If you become really unwell then you should come to the ER."

"I'll keep a very close eye on him." Gil had been listening intently to Susan. She was comforting really. They'd read it all but it was good to hear her explain quite matter of factly what could happen.

"And the next worse thing for everyone is the hair loss. It will fall out...it'll start in clumps and quite quickly be gone..."

"...I often have a buzz cut...I can do that again. It's only one step up from that."

"Good idea. Get it over and done with. It can be very demoralizing to see it fall out bit by bit...it is worse for women...girls with long hair. But you could also loose eyebrows and eyelashes...there's about a fifty-fifty chance of that happening for some obscure reason. But everything will grow back, sometimes, if you've got straight hair it grows back curly at first."

Nick laughed. "There isn't a curl in the entire Stokes family. I would be a freak." Gil laughed at the thought and Susan joined in.

"It's not a foregone conclusion but it's quite common. Tiredness is the most major side effect of all. Rest up. That's the advice there. It you feel like having a sleep then have one. And your resistance to bugs...bacteria, germs, whatever you want to call them is lowered, so be generally careful and aware. Don't let visitors visit you if they have a cold or virus.

"There are other things that can happen but they are a lot less common. I will give you the booklet and you can look through it. If there's anything at all you want to know just ask. If you think of something, jot it down and we can talk about it tomorrow. I will be your nurse for most of your treatments except if I'm on a rest day. But mostly, Nick, I don't want you to worry. It's got to be done. It's for a very good purpose...and in two months you'll be over and done with everything."

"I know. Thanks, Susan."

"You're welcome, honey." She patted his knee and then looked at his bag. "You've got about half an hour left. If you want me, just call, I'll be over there." She nodded towards a bank of desks. She cleared all the rubbish away and left them alone.

"How does it feel?" Gil wanted to know.

"I can't feel anything. Hope it stays that way."

Of course it didn't.

***

They walked in silence to Gil's truck when they left the hospital about an hour later. It was going to be a hot day and the inside of the truck showed one hundred and four degrees already.

Gil got the air con running on high and they sat for a few moments getting used to the heat and then the cold blow. Gil didn't know what to say so was keeping his mouth shut. It had taken him a long time to realise that if he couldn't think of anything to say then it was best to keep his mouth shut because if he tried to speak then he would surely stuff both feet into his mouth and make matters a whole lot worse. It was Nick who broke their quiet.

"It's kind of surreal. You know?"

"How do you mean?" Gil had also learned to not offer an opinion under certain circumstances, even if asked for one, because Nick would often make a rhetorical remark and Gil could misconstrue the remark and could make matters worse. But at least now he could identify those moments and this, without a shadow of a doubt, was one of those moments.

"I'm out in the sunshine and I feel absolutely fine but I've just had my first round of chemotherapy for cancer. It's like the world is slightly off kilter. It shouldn't be sunny. I shouldn't feel fine. I shouldn't have cancer." As he spoke Gil could see Nick's face change as if a cloud had covered the sun and put Nick into the shade. He had to offer an opinion.

"I understand. Your world has just been turned upside down but no one else's has. It's just you that's changed and nothing else."

"That's it. Yeah. Yours has changed too, hasn't it?" Nick could acknowledge Gil's pain too and Gil was thankful for that.

"Yes. I feel cocooned, just you and me. You don't look any different. Neither do I and yet we have changed in the last weeks more than we have ever done in our lives."

Nick nodded. "Just walking out of the hospital then I thought people would look at me and say, hey that guy's got cancer, he's had chemo. But they didn't. Will that change when I lose my hair?"

"I don't know. You said yourself you've had a buzz cut before and it could be the same now...the change may be so imperceptible that people won't notice. In hospitals everyone else tends to have their own worries. You haven't got cancer though have you? Dr Gupta says that this is...like an insurance policy, just making sure."

"There is that. Come on let's go home you need to sleep."

"Do you feel any different at all?"

"No. I'm tired since I stayed up last night so I could sleep with you. I never asked about work."

"I'm not going in tonight. I'm taking it as a rest day since I'm owed two, no, three already."

"That's good. You need to rest up you've being working hard this last week."

Gil pulled out of the parking lot and headed for home. "I have worked harder than normal I think, conscious that if I stopped and thought about you at home I wouldn't have got any work done at all." He chuckled.

"If I feel okay maybe I could come in tomorrow night. Just do some lab work and if I get tired I can rest up."

"Okay. We'll ask Susan tomorrow morning."

"You're bringing me back in the morning then?"

"Wild horses, Nick. Wild horses." They chuckled together.

Back at the house, there were no chores to do. Nick had "˜pottered' around the house for the last couple of days and although he'd done no lifting or hard work he kept the place tidy. They sat on the deck, in the shade, and drank an herbal tea each. A habit Nick had picked up from Gil when he wanted a hot drink but was coffee'd out.

When both of their eyes were drooping they closed up the house and went to bed.

They awoke within minutes of each other at what would be their normal getting up time. Gil rolled onto his side and put an arm over Nick's stomach as he lay on his back.

"How're you feeling?"

"Okay. The same."

"Do you want to go and find a film? Maybe we could go to the open air cinema and make out while the film's on."

Nick looked at Gil as if he'd grown two heads. "Make out? With all the college kids? We'd get arrested."

"There is that. We could buy a film off of cable. Or watch a game. Play chess."

"Babe? What would we normally do? You'd go and shut yourself in the den working on an article and I would watch a game...e-mail all my family..."

"...we go out for meals. We go watch a new movie...we've been to the theatre and concerts."

"Yeah, we do."

"You make us sound like a pair of boring old farts."

"We are. You know we are...we don't lead exciting lives now do we?"

"Do you want to do more?"

"No. No. Don't get the wrong idea...just because I'm sick it doesn't mean that we have to change. I loved my life with you...no, I love my life with you...it's exactly what I want."

"I understand. So I should go to the den and finish that article...and then come and watch the game with you?"

"Yeah. Good choice. I'm up to date with all my mails so I'll find something to watch."

After they'd eaten Gil did go to the den and worked solidly for two hours and broke the back of the work he had to do so decided to go and sit with Nick. Maybe have a beer. In the living room he found the TV on and Nick asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful and carefree that Gil's heart ached at the sight.

"You staring at me?" Nick stretched out like a cat as he woke.

"Might have been, you feeling okay?"

"Fine...the game was just that boring. I could do with a drink."

"I was going to get a beer. You want one?"

"Can't. Apparently it could have a reaction with the anti-nausea drugs."

"Fuck, Nick. I forgot, I'm sorry."

"Hey, babe, it's okay. It's okay with the chemo drugs...it's everything else. I'll have a juice."

"So will I. Solidarity."

"Idiot. Have a beer if you want one." Nick laughed.

"Not many people get to call me an idiot." He laughed and turned to go into the kitchen. He bought back a juice for Nick and a beer for himself.

After watching a couple of games they decided to go and do the weekly shop...sometimes they ordered on-line but since they had spare time they decided on the extra excursion. They bought the foodstuffs back home and packed them away then Nick had a quick shower and they decided on breakfast on the way to the hospital at a diner that served the best pancakes in Vegas...in their humble opinion!

At seven-thirty almost on the dot they entered the chemo suite and Susan waved to them and pointed to a chair.

"It could be that they're just going to inject the bleomycin." Gil was a self-appointed expert and Nick smirked.

"It's possible."

Susan came over. "Good morning, guys. How was it, Nick?"

"Fine. No problems at all."

"Good. Just two injections today."

"Two?"

"The bleomycin and a steroid, hydrocortisone, we give it automatically to help prevent the shivers; although I have to tell you that it sometimes doesn't work...but it should minimise them if you do get them. Ready? Straight into your port...wait a few minutes and then you can go."

"Right." Nick took off his jacket and exposed the bandage covering his port. Susan pulled it off in one motion and grinned as Nick flinched. She uncapped one syringe and pushed the fluid into Nick's arm. He took a sharp intake of breath.

"Okay?" Susan frowned.

"Ice cold."

She smiled. "Body temp."

"Not my body." He chuckled. She then took the other syringe and injected that...there was no response this time.

"That's it; wait for about ten minutes and then go...even if I'm not around."

"Thanks. Susan, can I go to work?"

"Of course you can. Your wound is completely closed "“ healed, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Then go. But you may feel up to it at the moment when you actually get to work you might find you're more tired than you thought you were...just see how you feel. Don't overdo it."

"He won't. I can categorically promise you that." Gil butted in.

Nick rolled his eyes. "He's my boss as well."

"That's too bad." She sounded serious but was smiling.

Twelve minutes later the men left the suite and made their way to the truck. It was another scorching day and the air con was on full blast as Gil drove them home.

***

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