Previous part of Fug.
***
They'd made one definite and serious decision while out hiking and that was when Gil's depression had been dealt with their first vacation would be to China to see the Great Wall and the Terracotta Army...They were tired when they got home and not quite hungry enough for a full meal so decided on a snack. Nick looked around the cupboards and found very little...almost nothing, really, to whet his appetite. A few packets of dried pasta and jars of spices. The freezer was virtually empty; but the fridge was nearly full of salad stuffs, fruit, natural yoghurt and sealed packets of organic meat and fish. He pulled a face.
"I see you have embraced the organic way of life."
"I have. And I feel better for it. What do you want to eat?"
"I don't know...but nothing here has inspired my taste buds to salivate." He smiled a wry smile at Gil.
"I could order something in for you?"
"What are you going to have?"
"A jacket potato with some filling. I have cottage cheese? Tunafish...I think I have a tin?"
"Ordinary cheese?"
"No. Sorry." He looked in the cupboard where Nick had seen the spices. "I do have tunafish..."
"...go on then, you've twisted my arm." Nick reached out to Gil and kissed him. "I can see if I want some treats I'll have to have them in secret."
"But you don't do you...you're the one that has always eaten healthily...I've been the couch potato."
"Just kidding, man. It's just to me this is like a mini-vacation so I should be eating all the things I wouldn't normally..."
"Yes, I can understand that. So are you really okay with a jacket potato..."
"...yeah, man. You are going to put them in the oven to crisp up aren't you?"
"Of course. Eight to ten minutes in the microwave and then fifteen minutes in the oven. Rub olive oil and sea salt lightly into the skin."
"That's right." Nick laughed...and then Gil laughed, too.
They were soon eating their potatoes. Nick's loaded with butter, organic, of course, and tunafish and mayo...light, naturally. Gil just had cottage cheese with his and drank bottled water. Nick, a beer, which Gil had remembered to buy in.
For all his moaning, Nick did enjoy the meal. They showered not long after eating and were soon getting ready for bed and once more enjoyed tender lovemaking as Gil worshiped Nick's body. It was difficult for both men to put into words just how much they missed each other...the physical contact they shared was special and they both knew that. When the exertion of their orgasms had subsided, Nick rolled onto his side and whispered to Gil.
"I miss you so much. But one thing I know for sure is that there will never be anyone else for me. We complete each other...we make a whole person between us."
"We do. That is it, exactly. Thank you for understanding me, honey. I will get better."
"Oh Gil, babe, I know you will. Just take your time. Don't try and rush it and it will all come together...just you wait and see."
Gil nodded. He wondered if Nick knew he had teared up again but as he thought that Nick slipped his arm around Gil and pulled him to him. He knew.
"It'll be okay. I promise." Nick was lying awkwardly facing Gil, but didn't want to move, he knew Gil needed him to be very close at this moment.
"Thank you." Gil managed to mutter, and it broke Nick's heart just to hear just how broken he sounded. He wished he didn't have to go home very early Monday morning...or that he could take Gil with him. At that very moment he never wanted to let go of him again. Ever. But he did remember something he wanted to say to Gil...something that had been at the back of his mind since Gil had left Vegas and he'd been waiting for the right moment... But no moment was right and this seemed like as good a time as any.
"Babe?"
"Mmmm?"
"I know we've said in the past that we didn't need to do it...I mean you said...and I agreed that we were as married as anyone you knew...but..."
"...a marriage; civil union...us?"
"Yeah. What do you think?"
"I think it would be wonderful. You shouldn't have listened to me, I was talking out of my ass...it would mean a great deal to me, to both of us I think, to have that commitment."
"Kind of cement us together?"
"Yes. I want it."
"Yeah, me too. As soon as you're home we'll start planning, what do you say?"
"Yes. That's all I need to say." Nick yawned. "Go to sleep, sleepy head, and know that I've never loved anyone as I love you." Gil's voice cracked again and it was like a crack in Nick's heart...a physical hurt in his chest.
Unusually they slept face to face and Nick woke up when his one arm that was underneath Gil's arm had gone to sleep; his hands hurt from Gil clenching them in his sleep. He had to adjust his body and managed to turn around so that Gil was spooning behind him and he pulled one of Gil's arms around his waist and held onto it again. Gil was hardly disturbed by the re-shuffle.
The next thing he knew Gil was trying to extricate himself from Nick...
"Sorry, I was trying not to wake you. I'm just going to go for my swim."
"Swim? Man, it's the middle of the night and a Sunday, you should stay in bed."
"It's six and you should stay in bed and catch up with your sleep and when I get back I'll cook you pancakes made from..."
"...don't tell me, organic ingredients?"
"Of course."
"Oh well, at least I'll get some crispy bacon, over-easy eggs and syrup!" Nick grinned although he was still half asleep. "
"I was thinking more along the lines of fresh fruit and natural yoghurt."
"Please tell me you're yanking my chain?" Nick sounded almost horrified.
"Of course I am." But Gil wasn't and was now faced with the task of going over to Walmart to get bacon and syrup. He did have eggs. Nick, satisfied, rolled over and went back to sleep. As Gil walked briskly to the pool he realised he would have to would have to alter his swimming schedule...but since he'd be doing about five miles extra walking that would easily compensate.
He did eighty lengths instead of one hundred and twenty. Set off for Walmart and ended up getting some other items from the store. He was away for just over three hours.
Nick had woken up about an hour and a half after he'd gone and took a shower expecting Gil to be back. By the time Nick saw him walking up the street he'd started to panic. But he heaved a sigh of relief and watched as Gil strode out confidently towards the entrance to the rooms; there was no doubt that Gil's exercising was paying dividends health wise. He looked good...very good. But then...he was still depressed. ‘It's early days, is all', thought Nick.
"Where the hell have you been?" Was Nick's greeting at Gil walked through the door, but he spoke light-heartedly.
"Oh, I thought you'd still be in bed. I had to get some bacon and syrup and a few other things."
Nick laughed. "You lied to me...but then I should have known since I did see inside your fridge and there was no hint of bacon and your cupboards are bare. So you've walked haven't you, and been swimming. How far?"
"I swam eighty lengths...but cut that down by forty lengths to go to the store. And I've done..." He checked his pedometer on his watch. "...eight point two three miles."
"I haven't seen that before. Let me look?"
Gil took it off and then went into the kitchen to unload his wet bathing shorts and towel and his groceries from his backpack.
"It's neat." Nick followed him in. "Where did you get it?"
"Walmart. Do you want one?"
"Nah...I'll probably do any walking with you so I'll know anyway."
"Good point. Breakfast coming up..."
"...hey, thank you for getting bacon and syrup...are you going to have some now you've gone to the trouble..."
"...no...I've just walked and swum...I'm not going to undo that good work with a few rashers of bacon and God knows how much syrup!"
"Man, you're being good, I'll give you that."
"Thank you. And forgive me for asking but are we, or are we not, engaged to be married?"
"Yeah, we are. I think I'm going to like being a married man...even if it isn't specifically marriage..."
"...in my eyes it's as good as. Pity Nevada is lagging behind."
"I know. Shall I make some fresh orange juice?"
"Yes please."
"Were shall we go? It needn't be in the States...it could be anywhere...and we could choose a place and stay there for a honeymoon." Nick was feeling very happy about Gil being happy about it...he was convinced it was a step in the right direction.
Gil made the pancake mix and put the bacon on to grill and started the pancakes and made a pile for Nick and a smaller pile for himself and kept them warm while he fried two eggs for Nick. He presented Nick with a plateful of bacon, pancakes and the eggs and plonked the syrup down in front of him.
"Enjoy." He smirked.
"Oh I will...and I'll be on a diet for a gazillion weeks." But he tucked into his food with great enthusiasm.
Gil got his warm pancakes ready with some cut-up fruit he'd prepared the day before and then poured yoghurt over it all. In truth he did enjoy his feast as much as Nick enjoyed his, but enjoyed being smug for eating the healthier option.
When they'd finished and Nick was smacking his lips and rubbing his belly in contentment he asked what Gil had scheduled for today.
"...and don't you dare tell me we're going to have another hike. It's Sunday."
"A small hike... a walk...to the movie theatre complex...they're showing a Hitchcock retrospective. We could watch two; how about ‘The Thirty-nine Steps' and ‘North by Northwest'. One's at twelve thirty and the other three."
"That would be great. ‘North by Northwest'. Great film. And I don't care what you say; I'm having popcorn and soda..."
"...okay, okay. I get it, you're on vacation..."
***
He had enjoyed the films...he'd seen them many times and knew virtually every scene word perfect but they still held a fascination for him...a reminder of the good old days of film making. He'd more than enjoyed being with Nick and he thought, for about the millionth time he was sure, that with Nick by his side his depression was naturally eased.
It was strange, he thought, as they walked briskly along the sidewalk in companionable silence, that even after all the shit that Nick had faced he had never been depressed. At least he'd never appeared to be depressed...no, he was as certain as he could be that Nick hadn't been depressed...he had an innate resilience about him that allowed him to cope...with anything. He was very emotional though and could cry at any time about anything...but then he'd been weeping a great deal these last weeks...maybe for Nick that was a natural release. He didn't know...
"Gil? Gil?"
"Oh, sorry, I was deep in thought...what is it?"
"Nothing, just that you were away with the fairies, as Grandma Stokes used to say. So what were you thinking about?"
"Actually? You. Have you ever been depressed?"
"Errr...I don't think so. I mean, I've had times when I've been kind of blue...but not for any length of time."
"After...Walter Gordon?"
"Hell, no! I wasn't depressed I was...I was going to say happy...but maybe I wasn't exactly happy...euphoric. That's it. I survived and there was nothing depressing about that!"
Gil looked at Nick with an amazed look on his face. He had never, honestly, looked at the situation like that. Instead of concentrating on the fact that he'd been abducted and incarcerated, Nick had focussed on the fact that he'd survived. He'd won and he was right...there was nothing depressing about that.
"The worst thing was being scared of things after...bugs...ants...man! Going underground; but I faced up to those things when I had to and nothing happened to me so I figured there was no point worrying."
Gil laughed. "That is incredible. Just very logical thinking. But why have we never spoken about it before?"
"You've never asked." Nick said plainly but not unkindly.
"No, no. Because I didn't want to remind you of it all...but you have it all worked out. Like telling me to own up to my depression, you just face things as they are and deal with them."
"Yeah, I do. What other way is there? Identify the problem and find a solution. I think Mom always instilled it in us. Nothing is insurmountable...you only think it is until you face up to it and deal."
"That seems like an ideal philosophy."
"Ah...that's the thing though. Mom...none of us...look on it as a philosophy because nothing has to be analysed and put into any compartment...it just kind of...is."
"I understand. It's just the way you live your life. The way you have been taught to live your life."
"That's it."
"In the years we've been together we've never had this discussion."
"We didn't need to did we? We just got on with living our lives...and when something happened, we dealt with it."
"I didn't."
"Well, no, not straight away, but you got there in the end."
"I did."
They walked on in silence. Gil thinking that he was sure he'd undervalued Nick in the past; he'd never given him the credit he richly deserved for dealing with the challenges that he'd faced over the years. Amy Hendler; he'd remained calm. Kristy Hopkins...a lesser man would have crumbled after being accused of murder. Nigel Crane, he'd been pissed about his clothes, and, of course, Walter Gordon. Nick hadn't ended up depressed... but... For the first time Gil wondered is all of Nick's traumas had caused his depression.
But it didn't sit right somehow...he didn't think that they were connected. Maybe, though, he would need therapy to actually find out if there was any underlying issue.
"Gil?"
"Mmmm?" He heard Nick the first time but was still thinking about underlying causes.
"Do you think dealing with me and all my stuff has made you depressed?"
Gil stopped dead in his tracks but his momentum took Nick several steps further before he stopped.
"That was exactly what I was thinking...right then."
"Spooky." He hummed the tune from The X-Files. "It was a natural transition from the previous conversation. Having to deal with my shit could have started this...this survivor's guilt."
"Yes. I was thinking it but I don't know. I thought that maybe I will need therapy to sort it out, I don't know."
"But is the stuff that I've had thrown at me, uppermost in your thoughts?"
Gil thought about that and had to reply honestly. "No. I've had no particular...subject matter, for want of a better description...about the depression...just this feeling of being in a fug...a fug... I had all those different ideas...that it was us and it wasn't, that it was work and it wasn't that either. I've never associated it with your trauma. Not once..."
Nick thought for some moments and then spoke. "I think it's unlikely then...I don't know...but I would have thought that if something specific was depressing you then you would be thinking of it all the time...it would be, I don't know...consuming all your thoughts. And talking about it would be difficult and cause you extra...anguish. But it doesn't, does it?"
"No. The only feelings I have about it is the pride and love I have for you for your outstanding bravery."
"I wasn't brave at the time, believe me, but like I said, I survived. And as it happens...no one else did."
In the street, in broad daylight, Gil took Nick's face in his hands and kissed him. "You're the bravest man I've ever had the honour to know."
Nick blushed and grinned. He couldn't deny that having Gil praise him was the best feeling in the world. It didn't happen often because the man just wasn't like that...but then that made it all the more special when he did, because Nick knew he meant it; he really meant it.
Gil smiled at the beauty of Nick's face with his dimples and shining eyes. "Just to prove that my testosterone levels are not in any way diminished I think we should hurry back to my rooms..."
"...good idea..."
"...I'm full of them. Well, full of something that's for sure." Gil added wryly.
They linked arms and in step with one another made the rest of the journey back thinking of exactly what they would be doing when they arrived at the rooms...
***
They heard the door bang below them as someone else entered the building and they reluctantly pulled apart but it gave Gil time to find his key...his hand was shaking and he couldn't push it into the hole...Nick took it from him and completed the task moments before the other person walked up the stairs towards them. They fell into the room and Gil kicked the door shut without letting go of Nick.
Gil pushed Nick against the wall and immediately kissed him again forcing his tongue into the familiar mouth and feeling his tongue and teeth, but his hands left the body and undid the belt on Nick's pants and then the zipper; he felt for the waistband and grabbing the material of his pants and briefs he pushed them down until Nick's erection sprung free, hard and leaking. Nick sighed at the relief of the freedom from confinement in his pants.
Gil pulled away from Nick's mouth and stared into the almost black eyes of his lover; he saw passion and he saw love and the combination was intoxicating. He dropped to his knees and didn't even hesitate before he swallowed Nick down...the smell of Nick overwhelming his nostrils, the taste of him overwhelming his taste buds and the feel of the velvet skin stretched to capacity consumed his mouth and his throat as he swallowed over and over again.
It was Nick who pulled back, even as Gil pushed forward, but only for a moment as he then thrust again into the hot, wet, mouth. The suction Gil was creating was too much for Nick to bear for long and he thrust again and again in quick succession and then he was coming...
Gil could feel the pulsating flesh and felt the expansion even as Nick growled at his own pleasure and then the fluid was pumping down his throat and he was swallowing convulsively...drinking his lover.
Nick pulled back from Gil to allow him to breathe and Gil gasped his breath but followed the still erect penis, licking at it so as to capture every drop of Nick. He didn't want to miss anything.
But Nick was sliding down the wall, his legs unable to hold his weight and as he slid so the now deflating dick moved away from Gil and out of his mouth's reach.
He pushed Gil gently backwards. "Sit back on your ass." He gasped and Gil did as instructed and undid his own belt and zipper but his hands were batted out of the way as Nick manoeuvred himself onto his own knees between Gil's legs and bent forward to capture his prize.
With his head in Gil's lap he sucked at the head of Gil's cock and licked down the shaft and then he swallowed Gil...in the same fashion as Gil had done him, but he didn't allow Gil to thrust, he pumped his head up and down on the hot flesh moving up and down the length of the shaft feeling his nose in the curls of Gil's pubic hair one moment and the taste of the leaking fluid from Gil's slit on his lips the next.
Like Nick, Gil couldn't hold on...but he didn't want to and holding himself steady with his hands flat of the floor he gave himself up to Nick and Nick, as Gil had done, took every drop there was and licked and cleaned until hardness had gone and it was soft and docile.
Nick uncurled his body where he'd been leaning over Gil and lay down next to him. Gil stretched out his legs and lay back flat on the floor.
The rooms were quiet and the only sound was their breathing. Gil felt for Nick's hand and when they connected he bought it up to his mouth and kissed it. They lay there for some minutes.
"I don't think I am suffering from a male menopause, am I?"
"I think it's unlikely." Nick chuckled and they were silent again for a few more minutes and then he spoke again. "We're not going to stay on the floor are we?"
"I don't think so...but I needed to recuperate before moving."
"You taste different."
"I do?"
"Yeah; organic."
Gil chuckled. "You tasted of popcorn and hot dog."
"Nice."
Gil sat up...Nick noticed he did it from lying down without pushing himself up with his hands and without difficulty. Since his vocabulary was still recovering from his brain's lack of blood he thought, ‘nice', this time instead of saying it.
He let Gil pull him to his feet and then they both started giggling like adolescents at the difficulty of walking with their pants at half-mast! They had to haul them up and hold them as they shuffled into the bedroom and then both men very nearly threw themselves onto the bed and went about the task of taking off their shoes and socks and then their pants and underwear and finally, their coats and shirts and tee shirts...they hadn't spoken at all, but chuckled, affectionately, at themselves and each other; they left the clothes in a massive heap on the floor and then both stood up as Gil pulled the bedclothes down and then they crawled under the blankets.
Their frenetic blow jobs in the small lobby were only the beginning and they both knew it...
Nick took the initiative and spent time cajoling Gil's recalcitrant penis back into life and when the blood started to fill both of their dicks he climbed on top of Gil. "I think I'm going to ride you like a wild stallion, man. Where's the lube?"
Gil laughed and pointed to a bedside cabinet drawer that he couldn't reach...Nick leaned over and retrieved the lube...and then stored it under the pillow.
And then Nick started his task by kissing Gil and caressing his arms but then he stopped.
"Man, your arms! They've always been strong and muscular but, man, they're rock hard." He sat up and surveyed Gil's body and shook his head in amazement. "I can't believe the change in just a couple of weeks. Your stomach if flatter and..." he pressed his hands to Gil's stomach. "...the muscles are as hard as rock."
"Talking of rock hard, if you would care to glance further down, you would see that there is something else that is rock hard and waiting for some attention, too."
Nick laughed and bent down again to kiss Gil but stopped and asked. "Have you been doing penis exercises?"
"Sadly. No. Just keeping my hand in, as it were..." His speech was cut off with Nick's kiss.
There wasn't much Gil could do; he was pinned on his back by Nick's body but he used his fingertips and hands to smooth Nick's skin; to tweak and twist his nipples and feel all of Nick's muscles rippling below the surface of that skin. And then he moved them to Nick's erection, and balls, gently rubbing at the soft, hard, skin and the rosy head already showing signs of glistening with Cowper's fluid. So soon after his other erection. But then Gil's dick was the same, pushing up proudly between their bodies.
Gil reached for Nick's balls and felt each of them and rolled them around in his fingers and he smiled at the sensation. They were lovely balls even if he couldn't see them at this particular time...Nick's scrotum was milky white and almost hairless and his balls were sweetly packaged. A refined look completely at odds with Gil's heavy dark skinned balls covered in hair. As Gil palpated Nick's balls with one hand he did the same for his own balls his other hand.
Nick was occupied kissing, licking and nipping at all of Gil's upper body and returned the favour with a hickey over Gil's collar bone.
"You want to go for it?" Nick's voice was deep and Texan.
"Sure do, cowboy." Gil smiled as Nick rolled his eyes.
He felt around under the pillow and eventually retrieved the lube from its hiding place and grabbed Gil's right hand and poured out a substantial amount onto his fingers. He then took a smaller amount onto his fingers and immediately rubbed it along Gil's length, twisting the head as he reached the top and making Gil jump.
Gil reached behind Nick and unceremoniously pushed a couple of fingers up Nick and Nick grimaced as Gil chuckled. But then Gil did gently prepare Nick, making sure he was lubed up and ready. When he thought he'd done enough he brought his hand back to the front of Nick and used the excess lube on his hand to lubricate Nick's hard-on.
Nick pushed himself up by his legs and then caught Gil's dick and positioned it at his opening and immediately started lowering his body onto the dick.
Gil gritted his teeth and screwed his eyes shut.
"Okay, babe?"
Gil opened his eyes and smiled. "Oh yes...it's just my foreskin being pulled right back and then there's the heat...and the tightness...and..."
"I get the picture..." Nick was gasping as the dick sunk deeper into him. "...no need for a lecture." Gil chuckled and the sensation made Nick's erection that was staring Gil in the face jerked and leaked.
"Not going to last long, honey...want to come already."
"Yeah...yeah, hang on in there a bit." With a grunt Nick was nailed as Gil's dick was as far as he could get within Nick.
Nick was breathing in and out in short gasps, he wasn't as practised at this since Gil had been away...but if he could just get Gil to hit his...spot... He moved back up a little and then down again and then leaned forward and did the same and...and...there it was. He could have shouted for joy at the sensation as his prostate was hit by Gil's dick and he moved back and forth in the same position and each time he scored a hit...
He was leaning right over Gil and Gil was matching each move of Nick's; as Nick pulled away so did Gil and as his pushed down so Gil up...this was anal intercourse at its best...they were practised at it and knew their art well.
Nick was speeding up and groaning with each gasped breath and then Gil caught Nick's leaking erection and smoothly started pumping him; it was warm and easy to slide his hand up and down given that it was coated in lube. As fast as Gil's orgasm approached so did Nick's and then Nick was spurting onto Gil's chest and crying out and Gil was pumping into Nick quite furiously, his upper body coming up from the bed as his orgasm was torn from him.
And then they were still.
Motionless for several minutes as they fought to breathe and come down from their highs. Then Nick gently pulled himself up and away from Gil with an unseemly plop and the almost threw himself down beside Gil.
"Babe? We didn't forget, did we?"
"We certainly did not. Are you going to sleep?"
"Yeah; need sleep. He sounded more than half way there already.
"I'll set the alarm. You have to leave here no later than twelve-thirty to drop off the car and catch your flight."
"Okay. ‘leven-thirty." He slurred.
"Okay." Gil wiped his hands on the bedding...and then his chest, too. Fuck the mess, he wasn't getting up now....probably couldn't anyway. He sorted out the alarm although he thought that he would probably wake before then. It was just after seven and then he thought of something. He shook Nick.
"Nick, honey...wake up. Wake up."
"What..."
"I feel okay...I feel really okay."
Nick turned towards him and smiled. "Then that's good babe, real good."
***
"We're good aren't we? You and me, together." Nick had stayed awake and grinned back at Gil.
"Yes, we are."
"I feel really happy that you're feeling better...I was worried about you."
"I know you were and I'm sorry to have put you through the mill."
"It's okay because we got it right it in the end, didn't we?"
"You got it right, honey, I was just blustering around trying to find excuses."
"Yeah; there was that." Nick chuckled and then yawned.
"Go to sleep; turn around and I'll spoon behind you. I've set the alarm for eleven-thirty."
It seemed they'd only just closed their eyes to go to sleep when the alarm was invading their senses with its appalling buzzing. They both groaned and Gil had to turn over to switch it off. He lay on his back and looked at Nick as he buried himself deeper into the bedclothes. He laughed.
"I don't think so..." And he pulled the blankets away to reveal a naked Nick. "...rise and shine, sunshine."
"Man, how could you do that to me?" Nick complained.
"Easy. We‘re on a tight schedule...oh, no, actually it's you who's on a tight schedule I could go back to sleep."
"Not a good idea, was it, to get the red-eye back to Vegas."
"If it meant we could spend two days together it was the best idea you've ever had. Come on, get up, you'll feel better when you're in the shower. I've got to change this bedding. Did you want anything to eat?"
"Coffee and cereal would be good. Thanks."
"And I'll make you some sandwiches to take with you. Turkey salad?"
"Great, thanks. I hope it's organic." Nick added as he jumped from the bed and out of the way of a slapped ass for his impertinence. A few moments later Gil heard the shower switch on and then Nick taking a piss. He got up from the bed and stripped it down and then went into the bathroom and washed his hands. He went naked to the kitchen to start the coffee pot and get the cereal and milk out for Nick. He made a sandwich and wrapped it up for Nick to take with him. He also scribbled a little note saying, ‘I love you. Gil x' and slipped it between the sandwiches. He just hoped Nick didn't eat it by mistake but he was pretty sure he'd see it.
He got clean bedding out of the cupboard as Nick was towelling himself dry, so he followed him into the shower and got rid of the detritus of the lovemaking. No one ever said that man on man sex wasn't a messy business.
He put on his robe when he'd finished and went to the kitchen where Nick was putting his dish in the sink.
"Leave that. It doesn't matter. Come here."
Nick smiled and did as he was told and they hugged for some minutes. Silently savouring each other for their last few minutes together. They would be apart for three weeks now...the longest time apart they'd ever spent. Although he hadn't said it, Gil thought he might have to fly back to Vegas, if only for half a day, but he realised how ridiculous that would be...Nick would have to work all the weekends from now until Gil finished in Princeton to compensate for the two he'd taken off to visit with Gil.
But they'd survive, he was sure of that since he did feet better, he really did. But would it last once Nick had taken the car keys and disappeared out of the door?
"You must go; it's raining so you must allow plenty of time for your journey." Gil held Nick by his shoulders looking at his so very handsome face.
"It's not heavy rain, I'll be okay."
"Make sure to text me when you get to the airport."
"You're going back to bed."
"No, I'm not, I'm wide awake and I have work to catch up on because I've been entertaining my young lover all weekend. If I do need more sleep I'll go back to bed after you're safely at the airport."
"Okay, I'll call when I'm at check-in."
"Make sure you do." Gil smiled and then they kissed. A sweet kiss, not passionate as such, but conveying love and kindness and happiness.
"Go."
"Okay." Nick got his duffle bag from the bedroom and tucked the sandwich inside and then checked that his ticket, his driver's license and the car rental details were handy and then put on his jacket. "Stay in, don't come out in the cold and rain. Wave from the window."
"Nick..." Gil whined quite convincingly and Nick chuckled.
"Do as you're told." And they kissed again. Nick opened the door, smiled back at Gil, and then walked out and closed it...Gil thought Nick may have taken his heart with him. He turned to the window and waited for Nick to leave the building. It was only moments and Nick remotely unlocked the doors, opened the driver's door, slung his duffle bag into the car and then looked up and Gil and waved. Gil blew him a kiss and Nick got into the car and was out of sight in the darkness of the night. He drove off and flashed his lights as he left.
Gil remained at the window for some time, long after Nick had disappeared into the night. The rain wasn't heavy but it was persistent and Gil watched as it ran down the window pane. He traced one drop on the outside with his fingers, inside, sighed and then drew the drapes.
He made himself a mug of tea and sat as his desk and took the work he had to do out of a drawer. He spent over an hour working, steadily, but when he thought that Nick had had enough time to get to the airport he started to fret. He made himself another tea and became nervous.
About two hours after Nick had left, Gil's cell rang and he picked it up and spoke into it.
"Were you delayed?"
"Yeah, there were some emergency road repairs going on...and it was slow moving for about twenty minutes...good job there wasn't much traffic around. Car's gone and I'm in line to book in and then I'm going to get a seat and eat my organic turkey sandwich. Have you done your work?"
"Yes, most of it. Enjoy your sandwich and take care. I love you, Nick, you know that don't you? More and more each day of my life."
"Yeah, I know. You take care and I'll speak to you when I get back home...and you'll be home soon."
"Yes, I will. Bye, honey. Love you"
"Bye, babe. Love you right back."
The cell went dead and Gil looked at it and in that moment he knew his fug was back...rather it had never gone away. Nick just managed to keep it at bay...
***
It was only when Nick was with him that he'd felt genuine relief. It was like it was all too much for him to do...the living part...maybe it was like boredom? But that in itself was difficult for him to fathom because he thought he'd never actually ever been bored; he'd always found things to occupy himself...even if it was only a ball game on the TV or a crossword, a good book...but not one of his usual pastimes could spark his interest. His bugs...he was doing the research and he was teaching classes and while he was doing the actual work and interacting with his students he was okay...he felt reasonable. But the moment he was alone...he became aware of it.
In an attempt to compensate for the feelings he was trying to cram as much into his daily routine as he could...as if the more he did the less time he could think about what was happening in his mind...to his mind.
Within days of Nick leaving he was getting up an hour earlier and, after an energy snack, going straight out walking...sixty minutes, rising to seventy-five minutes within days, of fast walking; swinging his arms and striding out more than he was used to and it was bracing to be out and about so early that he hardly saw anyone else...a few students running - training maybe and older men like him...that was even funny...jogging along and it seemed to Gil that they were mirror images of him and he wondered if they, too, were depressed. If they were out at the crack of dawn to try and shake their own fug from their shoulders.
After his walking he would return to his rooms to shower and have a good breakfast, make his lunch and then he would walk to work. He upped his swimming to every weekday night and he was doing one hundred and twenty lengths. On Saturdays and Sundays he did one hundred and fifty. He was still walking every evening and walking to Walmart three times a week.
He had to work hard at his work to be able to fit it into his exercise schedule. But he was eating well and very healthily and losing a little weight...but it was the toning of his muscles by the exercise that really made the difference and several times over the weeks if he accidentally caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror he was would be astounded at his figure. Fairly slim...not as slim as he was in his youth and twenties but toned...and powerful. That was the change...he looked physically powerful.
He was pleased with himself and his improved image and thought that maybe he was getting better...he appreciation of his new image was, at least, a step in the right direction.
So with his work and research every single minute of his day was accounted for. An upside of the exercise and fresh air was that he slept very well. Seven hours every night. He thought he could sleep for eight or nine hours but he really didn't have the time.
He tried to speak to Nick on a daily basis but, sometimes, Nick's work was such that they could only manage a short texted conversation but Nick was giving him his unwavering support and for the minutes when Gil could see him on his computer or talk to him on his cell...he was the happiest he could be.
As his final week at Princeton began he was far busier than he had been. He had to complete reports on each student he'd taught. That was seventeen reports. He had to finish off a paper into his research and present it to staff and students and then just generally tie up all the loose ends. He had, luckily, kept strictly up to date with his research and had been recording his findings regularly so at least he wasn't faced with the daunting task of preparing and presenting it all in one go but it was still a major task. He thought he should cut down on his exercise so that he could have extra time for his preparation...but he couldn't.
What he found was that the prospect of not doing his daily ritualistic exercise threw him even more off kilter than he had been and just one day of not swimming made him anxious. He cut down on his sleep instead. Six hours sleep would give him sufficient time to complete his work.
So, in a state of physical exhaustion, his last four days at Princeton seemed a complete blur to him...not to anyone else though. His work was praised and his students thanked him and assured him they had greatly benefited from his tutorials. He thanked them but really felt as if he had short changed them...he could have given them so much more and he had, in his own eyes, failed them, himself and the university.
On the Saturday morning, after his ritual of walking and swimming, he packed. He was relieved that there was no more work to do. But he did have time to Google Las Vegas to find the nearest pool to their house, where he could continue his swimming. There was an ideal one four miles from home. He could easily walk there, swim and walk back. He checked his watch and packed up his computer. His flight was leaving Newark at two in the afternoon, so he booked his taxi for eleven in the morning and was ready and waiting when the taxi arrived.
He was actually taking home less that he'd arrived with...he's donated most of the clothes he'd arrived with to a Goodwill store and bought some new clothes for his slimmer figure. He knew Nick would be astounded when he saw him. He couldn't wait.
He left Princeton without a backward glance. He'd done the work he'd been asked to do...not to the standard he would have liked but they seemed satisfied. But he acknowledged it was a huge mistake to have taken the work and made the journey in the first place. The only things he was taking back were a slimmer figure and some new clothes...and his fug; he'd arrived with it and he was taking it back and he felt the huge disappointment of that pressing him down further.
When he got on the plane and strapped himself in he immediately fell asleep and stayed asleep for the entire journey. Exhausted. Physically and mentally.
Gil was dead right about one thing; Nick. He was totally blown away with his lover's new look. That the change had been significant and done with such speed. Nick couldn't deny that Gil looked good. Fucking good...is what he thought the moment he saw him and decided that that, fuck, was they'd have to do as soon as possible.
"Babe! You look sensational!" Nick's voice echoed with the truth of his words. They were locked in a fierce hug outside the arrivals hall.
"Nick. Nick. Nick." Was all Gil could murmur as he held on for dear life. He felt so much better just being in familiar surroundings, but to be with Nick that was the important thing. It seemed in those few moments that he was well, he was cured. He was home. He was with Nick.
***
The total weight loss coming back to Vegas was only twenty-three pounds when he'd been hoping for thirty, but he would still be eating healthy food and exercising so he could still be dropping weight. Of course his muscles had been working over-time and it could be that he had lost the fat content of his body and replaced it with muscle weight. That would account for why he did look good.
Gil sat in his office ruminating ...he had absolutely no inclination to do any work, whatsoever. He had been welcomed back with open arms, as Nick had predicted, and his physical appearance had been the talk of the lab for at least half an hour before they'd all gone out to crime scenes. Ecklie had been lurking and had welcomed him back too. But, as usual, his good humour had only lasted for a few minutes to be replaced by bristling annoyance...probably at Gil's staff being so happy to see him.
But Gil kept thinking about being back and the lab...and Nick.
They'd enjoyed a great lovemaking session when they'd got back to the house...but Nick had been completely amazed when Gil had got up from their bed to go for a walk; for an hour and a half. But as Gil had pointed out...he'd been on a plane and needed the fresh air and exercise. The only problem was that Nick had had to go to work within a few minutes of Gil's return.
Nick had then shown mild displeasure at Gil going to the pool on Sunday, even though Nick wasn't there when he left, he was at home when Gil got back. He'd walked the four miles there, swum one hundred and fifty lengths and then walked back. Nick had said he thought that it would be okay for Gil not to exercise on his first day back, have a rest and get into the swing of being home again. They hadn't argued and Gil had patiently told Nick that he felt the need to ensure that he kept his exercise regime going and that it was crucial in the first few days for him to get straight into that regime again, or it would be lost and all his good work would be undone.
He had agreed half-heartedly, Gil thought, but that was okay, he'd come round soon...he always did. When Nick realised the benefits of it all, he would be in total agreement. And Nick had already joined in with scheme of things...by doing a grocery shop on Saturday morning after work before Gil had flown in and purchasing all the organic food stuffs that Gil was now used to using. No one could ever accuse Nick of being selfish...he was the most kind-hearted and generous man Gil had ever known...and he'd thought that even before they'd become lovers.
Gil's landline on his desk startled him out of his reverie, he glanced at the clock. He'd been at work for over an hour and a half and he'd done no work at all...nothing at all. He knew he should have been concerned or worried but he wasn't in the least.
By the time he could legitimately go home, Gil was already packing away his files from his desk. He'd hardly earned his keep but he told himself he was easing himself back into the daily grind...he had checked over some files and re-checked evidence and cleared some e-mails and read a few articles...but nothing consequential. He didn't have the energy to concentrate on work. He needed to get some exercise...that would make him feel better.
But moments before he could leave a murder came in and he was the only one available. He had to go...even with his couldn't give a fuck attitude he still had a sense of duty so he found himself working four hours over. Nick was home before him and opened the door when Gil drove up to the driveway.
"Hey! Baptism of fire on your first day back?"
"I know." He answered wearily. "At least it wasn't too convoluted. Domestic violence that escalated to murder. He was very sorry that she died...probably because he'd lost his punch bag."
"Yeah, it's always the same when they accidentally kill them." Nick agreed, sadly. "Coffee pot's fresh and I've made a fresh fruit salad and have some natural yoghurt. We can eat out on the deck and then get up to bed." He grinned now, happy that he'd done the right thing.
"A coffee is needed this moment. I had forgotten just how God awful it is at the lab...do you know where Greg's stash is?"
"He doesn't bring any in any more...he got pissed off at us always finding it and using it...the joke wore thin. I could get some though and hide it and we could have it at work."
"Illegally appropriated coffee always tastes better and Greg would probably steal it back. Payback." Nick laughed and held the door open wider and Gil walked in and closed the door and then they stopped and kissed.
"Are you joining me in eating the fruit and yoghurt?"
"Man! You bet...look at you. They were all talking about you...couldn't believe your transformation...Sara was green, man, green." He laughed and Gil's heart ached...he had missed this so much, just the simple interaction.
"So what are we waiting for?"
They sat on the deck and the simple breakfast tasted wonderful in the shade of the Nevada sun after being cooped up in his rooms on the East Coast with rain and wind and cold. He liked living in a desert and decided there and then never to leave.
"I think I'm going to stay in Las Vegas...see my days out here."
"What? What do you mean?" Nick almost demanded to know what he meant.
"Nothing." Gil was shocked at Nick's comeback. "Nothing at all...just that I like the climate, it suits me and when I retire I'm not going to up sticks and find another place...this place suits me...and you've said before now that it suits you, too."
"Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. Yeah...we can stay here...just do a bit of travelling."
"Exactly. The bucket list."
"Yeah." It seemed to Gil that Nick had suddenly been worried about something and now he visibly relaxed again.
Gil finished his breakfast and then sat up. "Okay, I'm off...I'll just change and get my stuff..."
"...off where?" Nick looked perplexed.
"Walking to the pool, swimming and then walking back." Gil smiled.
"Walking and...are you mad? You've just worked thirteen, or more, hours, you need to rest up."
"I will rest when I get back. Rest very well after my exercise, actually." He smiled some more at Nick.
"You did it on Sunday, you don't need to do all that again...it'll take three hours...more."
"I can do it in just about three hours. I swimming faster since I dropped my weight, not so much fat to haul along...same with my walking." Gil still smiled. But what he hadn't told Nick was that he'd done a twelve mile walk while Nick was at work on Sunday night...right across town and back...staying on well-lit roads and avoiding any contentious areas. He didn't think Nick would be very happy about that.
"Gil, you don't want to overdo it, it's not like you're at the college still and working nine to five...your job here is more demanding...and besides which you don't need to do all that exercise, three of four times a week is sufficient."
"I know...but I just want to get into the swing of things here at home...and see how I get on. Nick...it helps me...clears my head and makes me feel better. It really does."
"Okay, okay." Nick conceded. "But let's see how you go on...you might need to go and see your doctor."
"I know, I know, honey. I just need to see how I settle down now I'm back home." Gil continued to smile at Nick and Nick relented and smiled back.
"You go and change...I've got some work to do anyway."
"I'll be back before you miss me."
"No, you won't." Nick spoke softly and Gil heard but chose to ignore him and instead he went to change and left ten minutes later with his kit and his snacks in his backpack.
***
For all those months he'd been worried sick about Gil. Worried mostly that he was the cause of Gil's mood changes and behaviour. That the end of them as a couple was in sight. Gil didn't really give any indication that it was and they did still seem like a couple but the night Gil had said that he was going away...that was when Nick had cracked. In the moments following Gil's announcement he was certain that Gil was leaving him.
Gil's assurances, though, had seemed genuine and Nick had calmed down.
Nick had suspected depression all along and had spoken about it in the early days but Gil had dismissed it and...laughed it off. Yes, he'd laughed and said he wasn't a depressive kind of man. Seemed like he was now. But at least he had admitted it and Nick was sure now that their relationship was going to be okay...but there was still something very wrong.
To Nick, Gil was really no better. Better, maybe, at disguising it...and replacing it with all the exercise he was doing. He had to acknowledge that he looked great...he'd never seen him so slim and toned. But what use was it if he looked great on the outside but felt like crap on the inside? No fucking use. That herb, St John's Wort, should have kicked in before now, Nick was certain.
Nick thought back to them sitting out here on the deck not long ago and Gil was smiling...oddly. Nick couldn't put a word to it...but one thing he knew without a shadow of a doubt...and that was it wasn't his Gil. It wasn't the man he'd known for all the years he'd been in Vegas, or the man with whom he'd been sharing a bed. He'd also nearly had a heart attack himself when Gil had said he wanted to end his days in Vegas...Nick's first thought was that he was suicidal but it was just an innocuous remark and to be fair, Gil had never once mentioned thoughts of suicide to him. He didn't seem quite that bad...but then was he hiding it? Nick didn't think so, but he would be vigilant.
He tried to think what to do but his mind was tired...he'd done a lot of overtime in the past seven weeks. Mostly to keep busy; he'd only been able to concentrate when he was working and his mind was occupied. He'd missed Gil far more than he'd ever let on. He'd slept with a shirt of Gil's that was in the laundry basket when he'd left for Princeton. It had hardly smelled of Gil but it was his and he had worn it...so it became his woobie, his sisters would have called it that. He smiled to himself. He'd only washed it just before Gil got back. More than once he'd cried himself to sleep...a fucking grown man...but he was so lonely. Not lonely for company, he had Warrick and Greg who were good friends...and Jim came around a couple of times. Probably because Gil asked him to...
No, he was lonely for Gil, the man he loved. He'd been hauled in by Gil years ago and accused of hero worship and he'd managed to break the habit...at work...where he was noticed, but the truth of the matter was that he did worship Gil. Everything about the man was perfect for Nick. Everything. Which made the depression as hurtful to Nick as it was to Gil. Nick wished he could take it away from him...that he could suffer it instead and Gil could be well again.
He knew that he needed to get Gil to the doctor; get him to open up and get some proper treatment. That's what Gil needed and it was as sure as hell what Nick needed; he wanted Gil back. Not this exercise mad freak. Not the man who seemed to stink, just faintly, of chlorine all the time.
But the one thing Nick knew he would have to do was bide his time and strike when the time was right. That was his plan, such as it was...he'd just have to wait until it happened...although he had no idea when it would be; he just hoped it would soon...
In the meantime, he decided that he wouldn't pester Gil about the exercise...if he wanted to do it and he felt it helped then that was okay. Nick didn't think it would do him any harm, he was doing too much but there again walking and swimming were not extreme sports...and after all he did look good...there was no denying that!
***
But Nick could wait it out...he was a patient man...but there again he really had no other option.
And it came to a head when Nick was least expecting it...
A child was abducted and then found dead...they worked for twenty-one hours straight, and Gil, especially, was so exhausted and drained that he left his truck at the lab and let Nick drive him home.
Neither man had the energy to even speak; when they got home they moved slowly and laboriously as they went into their house. Nick dumped his bag and boots and headed for the stairs to go to bed...after a quick shower. He hauled himself up several steps when he realised that Gil wasn't behind him and he looked back. His mouth very nearly fell open in surprise.
Gil was changing his work shoes to his walking shoes.
"You cannot possibly be intending to go for a walk? You can hardly move!" He was incredulous.
"I just need to go for a short walk. Keep to my schedule...I won't be long." His speech slurred and laborious with his tiredness.
"Gil? You don't need to go for a walk." Nick spoke softly.
"Yes. I do." He'd put on his shoes and picked up his pedometer and walked...unsteadily, Nick noticed...out of their front door and closed it after him.
For several seconds Nick stood still trying to take in what he'd just witnessed and then like a blinding flash, despite his tiredness, he knew. He knew that it was time...
He almost ran to the front door, threw it open and went out leaving it open. He jogged to the end of their drive way and looked for Gil. He was about twenty or thirty feet away...walking, slowly, but swaying as he clearly was having great difficulty putting one foot in front of the other.
"Gil, stop." Nick called but Gil ignored him and Nick started to walk towards him...without shoes but he still had on his socks.
Nick was desperately trying to think of something appropriate to say and then he decided. He called out to Gil.
"Babe. Stop. Now. If you really love me and don't want me to leave you, you will stop." He was nearly in tears and worried sick but to his great relief Gil stopped and gradually turned around to face him. Nick continued walking towards him.
"Of course I love you. Of course I love you. Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me." He sounded like a broken record, scratched and stuck and not quite playing at the right speed.
"I won't babe, I promise, as long as...babe, you are still seriously depressed...all you've done is try to swap your depression for obsession and your depression is no better, it's worse." His voice was cracking with emotion as he spoke but he looked at Gil's face which seemed blank as he tried to understand what Nick had said to him. "Come on, come back with me into the house and tomorrow we'll go see the doctor, together..." He held out his hands to Gil.
Gil's face appeared to register shock at Nick's words, but then it looked as if he understood and then he started to crumble before Nick's eyes... Nick ran the few steps to Gil and caught him as he started to fall to the ground. It was a huge effort to keep him on his feet as he sobbed such heart-rending sobs that Nick was crying with him.
"Put your arm around my shoulders...Gil, GIL..." He shouted to get his attention and Gil did put his arm up and around Nick shoulders and seemed less likely to fall down. Nick was holding his wrist of the arm that was over his shoulder and his other hand was fastened around his waist. "Come on, babe, come on, that's it, a step at a time."
Nick kept encouraging him through his tears and Gil was still sobbing loudly, his face a picture of abject misery. It seemed as if they were moving in slow motion and it took hours to reach their front door. It was probably only a few minute and once inside Nick collapsed to the floor, with Gil crumbling beside him, at the sheer relief of being able to rest. He was as physically exhausted as he could ever remember being.
They sat on the floor. Gil sobbing into Nick's chest and Nick holding onto him with all the strength he could muster; he was crying at Gil's distress. But they were also tears of relief because he knew he'd cracked Gil's shell.
How long they sat there, Nick didn't know, but it must have been at least half an hour and eventually Gil fell asleep...still hiccoughing from his emotional outburst as he slept.
Nick knew they couldn't stay there...or could they? He could lean on the wall and cradle Gil as he slept and then he could sleep himself. But no, if they did that they'd be unable to move when they woke up.
He waited a few minutes and then shook Gil awake. He expected it to be difficult since he was as exhausted...maybe even more so...than Nick. But he woke immediately and was crying again even as Nick shook him.
"Babe, we can't stay here...we must get to bed...if you can't manage getting upstairs then we need to get to the couch...but we can't stay here."
Gil nodded his understanding immediately and Nick hugged him and ran his fingers through his hair.
"It's going to be okay...I promise you it's going to be okay...I won't leave your side...not now; not ever. Okay?" Gil nodded and Nick breathed a long sigh of relief...he was at least compos mentis.
Nick rested for few moments longer and then pushed himself to his feet. He didn't let go of Gil but when he was standing he pulled on Gil who slipped onto his knees and then they combined their strength to haul him to his feet. It was a great deal easier than Nick had expected...but, of course, Gil was a really fit man now, and much lighter.
"Upstairs, okay?" Nick spoke and pulled Gil's arm around his shoulder again and his arm around his waist and together, side by side, they made their way to their bedroom. At the bedside Nick lowered Gil onto the bed...he was sitting and Nick bent down and took off Gil's shoes and socks. Then started to undress him. It was easy and Gil helped...and he'd stopped sobbing but was sniffing. Nick reached for some tissues and gave them to Gil who blew his nose and mopped his face. Gil was down to his tee short and boxers.
"Lie down now...there...I'll be in bed in moment." He pulled the bedding over Gil and started to undress himself.
"I knew; I really knew...but was frightened to acknowledge it..." Gil sounded as if he'd been pummelled into submission.
"Sometimes the wood gets in front of the trees. It's going to be okay. I promise."
"Okay. I'll do whatever I have to...I can't go on...I know I can't go on."
"And that's probably the first step towards healing. I'm thirsty after all the exertion...do you want a drink?"
"I am thirsty...yes, please."
"Any preference?"
"Water, please." Nick went off and Gil called to him in a very subdued, almost broken, voice. "Do you think I could have a brandy? I could definitely do with a brandy."
"Sure. You deserve it."
A few minutes later Nick was back with a glass of water and a small brandy in an ordinary tumbler. Gil struggled to sit up but he took the water and drank half of the glass and then took the brandy and took a sip.
"What have you had to drink?" He asked and Nick thought he sounded a little better.
"I had a glass of water downstairs...I'm okay. Well, now I am." He got under the blankets and lay down with a sigh. Gil took a few more sips of his brandy and then tossed the remainder back in one gulp. He shuddered. He put the tumbler on his bedside cabinet and lay down. Nick switched off the lights and cuddled up to Gil.
"Night, babe. We'll start the process tomorrow...getting you on the road to recovery."
"I don't know what I'd do without you, sweetheart. My honey."
"You won't ever need to find out, because I'm going nowhere."
"I'm so sorry, so very sorry." Gil whispered and began to weep again but an emotionally and physically exhausted Nick was asleep.
***
How the hell had he let himself get into such a state? He knew he'd been using the exercise as a crutch. He'd known that if he kept exercising to the point of exhaustion then he would have less time to actually think about his fug... The fug, he thought, it was far more now...depression, obsession. He knew. He hadn't just said that to Nick...he knew what he was doing. He looked across at Nick and even in the almost black room he could see his sleeping form. Relaxed and confident, and now he knew...Nick knew. And would help him.
Who was he kidding? Nick had known all along. He chuckled quietly to himself, and it was not without some humour, Nick had known and just waited; bided his time until he knew it was the right time and then he'd pounced. He'd known instinctively when the time was right and it was tonight. Gil knew that he would not have made it to the end of their street...he would have surely collapsed...but he had to go, he had to...until he was told to stop.
And Nick had known the exact time to say stop...when he couldn't fight back; when he'd reached the end. If it had been at any other time Gil knew he would have railed against him...tried talking Nick into believing he was okay. Nick was so good natured and kind he would have probably allowed Gil to get away with it...but he hadn't done that. He'd waited. Gil sighed and turned onto his side facing Nick and slipped an arm around him anchoring himself to Nick...his safety net. He'd eventually fallen, as he knew he would, and Nick had been there to catch him.
Nick slept solidly but woke up suddenly with a jump. He'd been dreaming about a horse he'd had when he was a boy. A beautiful mare that he'd loved with all his heart; she'd had a foal that was born deformed and died and the horse had become wild with grief...trying to breathe life into the dead foal and not allowing anyone near her or her baby...
Nick had been allowed to watch while the vetinarian had sedated her with a gun dart as he couldn't get close and then they had taken the foal away. The mare was sad for a long time and each day before and after school Nick would be with her...talking to her and grooming her and giving her, her favourite apples and carrots and then one day she was herself again... Melody. That was her name. He hadn't dreamed of Melody, or even thought of her, for many years. But he smiled to himself. He loved her and she was depressed and she got better. He loved Gil and he would get better too...he was sure. He would tell Gil about her when he woke.
Nick went back to sleep again and when he woke up again he checked the clock and got up. He peed, showered and then went downstairs. He'd checked Gil and he was still asleep.
In the den he found the number of Gil's physician and called his office. He was able to get an appointment for the following day, mid-afternoon. That done, he smiled to himself and went off to start the coffee machine and then went back up to Gil. He was awake.
Nick sat on the side of the bed next to him. "Hey, how are you feeling today?"
"Ridiculous, I know, but I feel better." Gil did sound tired though.
"The cycle has been broken. You don't have to do your exercise to keep the depression at bay..."
"...no, I don't. Oh, God, Nick, how did I get like this?"
"I don't know. But how you got there isn't important now...it's getting away from that place and making you better than counts. I've called your physician and he'll see you at three tomorrow afternoon."
"You don't let the grass grow do you?"
"I think it's long enough, don't you?"
Gil looked at Nick, the room was still quite dark with the only light coming from the doorway and he nodded. "Long enough."
And Gil had called it ridiculous but Nick did notice that he was better, he was calmer, and visibly more relaxed. Like a weight had been moved for his shoulders. It crossed Nick's mind that he should have done it sooner but then would Gil have been so receptive to the intervention? Probably not. It had happened now so it was no use ruminating of any, ‘what might have beens'. He told Gil about his dream about Melody and all the years he had her and rode her and their adventures. Gil listened enthralled.
Dr Evan Grundy's office was quiet. No musak which always pleased Gil since everywhere else seemed obsessed with providing background noise of some kind or other. The receptionist smiled as they entered.
"Mr Grissom?" She asked quietly and politely as they approached her desk.
"That's me."
"Dr Grundy still has a patient with him. You haven't been for some time so could you please just complete the normal forms for me?" She was exceedingly pleasant as she handed him an already prepared clipboard; Gil couldn't help but respond equally politely.
"Of course." He smiled at her, even though his guts were churning and his mouth was dry and all he really wanted to do was turn and around and leave, immediately. It crossed his mind that of course Nick knew, because although he hadn't told Nick how nervous he was, Nick's hand was planted firmly on his lower back. Holding him and anchoring him and he had no chance of changing his mind.
He took the clipboard and proffered pen and sat down. He completed the form quickly and signed it and Nick took it back to the receptionist. Nick had only just settled down when the doctor's door opened and he ushered out a young woman and said his good byes to her.
"I'll be with you in a few minutes, Gil."
Gil smiled and nodded but thought that he would vomit. When the doctor had closed his door, Nick took Gil's hand and whispered to him. "It's going to be fine, babe. Try and relax. Nothing to worry about any more." Soothing words from Nick who obviously knew exactly how Gil was feeling. Gil tried smiling but was on the verge of tears and there was no way he was going to weep in public. No way!
He nodded at Nick and clasped his hand tighter and started reciting, in his head, the list of chemical symbols. He hadn't done a dozen when Dr Grundy reappeared.
"Gil, come on through." He extended his hand and Gil shook it and opened his mouth to speak but couldn't. He saw a faint frown cross the doctor's face. Nick jumped in to rescue him.
"Hi, I'm Nick Stokes and I'm Gil's partner. He's been having some...errr...problems and needs to speak to you." Gil had watched Nick speak for him and then turned back to the doctor and nodded.
"Okay, come on in...you're coming with him?" Dr Grundy asked Nick.
"Yes, he is." Gil found his tongue because he knew there was no way, no way, he was going through that door without Nick. Nick smiled and put his arm around Gil's back and pushed him forward.
"Take a seat then, both of you."
"I must say I haven't seen you for some time but you look good...dropped quite a bit of weight, haven't you? Is that your problem?" He added.
Gil opened his mouth and nothing came out again and he squirmed in his seat. Being lost for words was an alien concept for him. He looked at Nick somewhat helplessly.
Nick smiled and took his hand again and then turned to the doctor. "It's like this, doc...Doctor..." He corrected himself. "...Gil has been having some problems with depression. We diagnosed it ourselves...and have been treating it ourselves. Diet, healthy living, St John's Wort, but it's got no better...in fact..."
"...it's worse." Dr Grundy concluded.
Gil took a huge intake of breath. "I don't want you to think, from what Nick's just said, that he had anything to do with this...treatment. He didn't, it was all self-inflicted. He's the one who's got me here today."
"I see." He smiled at the touching admission from Gil Grissom, absolving his partner from any blame. "So can you start at the beginning and tell me what's been happening?"
"I can. Yes." And Gil gave a laboriously detailed account of how it started, how it developed and how it ended...just two days ago. The doctor asked a few questions here and there and smiled and kept Gil going. Nick sat back and listened. He was pleased that there was nothing that Gil had mentioned of which he wasn't aware. There were no hidden secrets, he was sure, so he was surprised when Gil had finished that the doctor addressed him.
"Nick, do you think I could speak to Gil alone for a few minutes."
"Sure. I'll be outside..."
"...is that really necessary?" Gil wanted to know.
"Just for a few minutes, it is, yes."
"I'll be just outside the door, don't worry. Everything's going to be okay." Nick smiled at Gil again but his heart was breaking at Gil's behaviour. He'd never seen the man he loved so much, so broken, so unsure, so desperate.
When the door had closed behind Nick, Dr Grundy sat back and looked at Gil.
"I've heard your comprehensive account of everything that has happened and that was a really good and gave me a clear picture of what has been happening to you. You had nothing but praise for Nick; is that really the case. He isn't here now, Gil, you can be totally candid with me." Gil looked aghast and the doctor smiled. "I have to ask."
Gil relaxed a little. "Yes, I understand, you want to be sure that he's not the problem, that I haven't been coerced...I haven't. Without Nick I would be worse, much, much, worse. I've been an unbelievably stubborn ass, and he's had to wait for me to crack to get me here to you. He's supported me, cared for me..." Gil's tears threatened again but this time he couldn't stop them and they rolled down his cheeks. "...I did try and put the blame on him and lesser men would have packed their bags, but he's been...wonderful." Wonderful was the only word he could think of to describe Nick. But it was apt.
Dr Grundy pushed a box of tissue across his desk and spoke again. "I have another question for you, Gil, and then we can get Nick back in here."
Gil looked at him and held his breath...the doctor looked serious.
***
