Previous part of Fug.

***

Gil waited as the doctor paused.  "Have you had any thoughts of suicide?"

It was a relief to hear that, he hadn't known what the doctor was going to ask.  "No, I haven't.  Although...I must say I considered it...not suicide, but whether I was suicidal when I first started taking the St. John's Wort.  I think the website said something about going to a doctor straight away...  I've never thought that my life was worthless...more what I do, day in day out.  I likened it to boredom, because I don't think I've ever been bored..."

Dr Grundy smiled.  "You're a lucky man.  And that is good news.  Right, treatment..."

"Nick?"

"Oh, yes."  He smiled at being reminded to re-admit Nick.  Gil hadn't forgotten for one nanosecond that he was not beside him.

Nick came back in and saw that Gil had been crying and frowned.  "I'm okay, honey.  He wanted to know if it was your fault and whether I was suicidal."

"Oh.  You're not are you?"  Nick was suddenly panicked.

"No, I'm not and haven't been."  Nick nodded at the confirmation and was relieved.  "Dr Grundy was just about to discuss my treatment.  The one thing I haven't mentioned is you...your traumas."

"Do you think they're relevant?"

"I don't know..."

"...what's this?"  The doctor interrupted.

Gil smiled at Nick and then looked at the doctor.  "Not that long ago, Nick was abducted...from work...and buried in a casket underground on top of explosives.  He was very nearly eaten alive by fire ants and we found him after his oxygen had run out...he..."

"...I saw it on the news.  That was you?"  The doctor was clearly astounded.

"Yeah..."

"...he's also been stalked by a psychotic murderer, held at gunpoint by another murderer..."

"...I've had some lucky escapes."  Nick finished.

"That, doctor, is the crux of the matter.  He's never been depressed...he did have therapy...but he counts himself lucky to have survived, not unlucky to have been abducted in the first place."  Gil reached across for Nick's hand.  "We have discussed this and we came to the conclusion that my depression is not linked to the events in Nick's life.  But what do you think?"

"Well..."  He sat back in his chair.  "I suppose that is something that could only be determined if you have a course of therapy.  At this stage I was going to use chemical intervention, see how you go.  But I can refer you, if you want, to a good therapist."

"No, at this stage, as you say, let's try drugs."  He didn't want to see a therapist.

"Okay.  Right; as you probably know there are dozens of drugs that could be used, but I'd like to start with a tried and tested anti-depressant and see how we go.  Your behaviour was not only depressive but became, as you said, obsessive, too, and this drug can be used for compulsive behaviours as well as depression, so let's give it try.  Cipralex.  When did you have your last St.John's Wort?"

"Three days ago."

"You have to get the effects of that of your system so you can't take these for another four days and then one a day in the morning."

"I work shifts..."

"...I was coming to that.  I want you to take time off work.  Two weeks and then I'll review it..."

"...but I haven't stopped functioning at work. I'm okay."

"I want you to rest.  No work.  Nothing.  And as for you exercise; I'm going to charge Nick with allowing you to do some limited exercise.  Walking is good for you.  But I only want you to do short walks and no swimming.

"I want to see you again in two weeks.  I realise you will have only taken the pills for a week and they can take four to six weeks to kick in...and since you didn't respond to the herb, which is a good remedy, then we might have to change this drug.  But let's see how you get on.  There are the standard warnings of side effects but they are mostly very mild and go away after a few days.  But you will be tired, very tired.  That's why I want you to rest.  Are you okay with that, Nick?"  Gil had opened his mouth to reply so was surprised when it was Nick who was addressed.

Nick grinned.  "Great."  He had the mandate from the doctor to take charge and he knew Gil knew that.

"Any questions?"  Gil shook his head; he knew when he was beaten.  "We'll discuss the therapy issue when you come to visit again, two weeks today.  So make the appointment on your way out.  I think this is going to work, Gil.  And I think Nick thinks that, too."  He laughed.

Gil relaxed back into his seat.  "I know.  I know.  I've been stupid and ignored everything.  Time to raise the white flag."

"Yeah."  Nick added, still grinning.

Dr Grundy handed the prescription to Gil and then the three men stood simultaneously.  The doctor walked around his desk and shook both of their hands and walked them to the door and into his waiting room.  Three patients were waiting now, probably way past their appointed times.  Gil made the appointment for two weeks and then the two of them left the building.

"That went well."  Nick threw his arm around Gil's shoulders.  "You did good, babe."

"It was hard to start off but when I got going..."

"...it all came tumbling out."

"Yes, it did."

"Nice doc.  Good looking; is he gay?"

Gil looked askance.   "I have no idea, why?  Going to dump me and ask him out?"  He was only half joking.

"Nah, man.  Got myself a keeper.  Hey, there's a pharmacy, let's get your 'script."  He pointed to the end of the mall and they walked towards it Nick still holding onto Gil and Gil noticed that no one bothered.

When they were on their way home Gil suddenly thought of Ecklie and groaned.

"I've got to tell Conrad."

"I was just thinking that.  I can tell him."

"Everyone's going to know."

"Are you worried about that?"

"No.  Yes.  I don't know."

"Good answer, no wavering."  Nick chuckled.  "Look, I can tell Conrad; tell him you're not up to speaking to him...and ask him to keep the diagnosis private.  He can't tell anyone without your permission, I don't think."

"I don't mind the team knowing...it's just everyone else..."  Gil looked forlorn again.

"Hey, man, this is the first day of you getting better.  "I'll tell Conrad and I'll tell the team...I'm not telling Sara though, I'm telling you that so you know."  He grinned again at Gil's look.  "Ask then to keep it quiet.  You might be back at work in two weeks."

"What can I say is wrong with me if people ask?"

"They won't ask...the team will know and I don't think anyone else will get in touch.  Jim.  You can tell Jim."

"Yes, I can.  Okay.  I do need a stand-by excuse though, people will ask you."

"Yeah, they might."  They both thought for a time and then Nick smiled.  "Bad back.  Jennings on days got away with his bad back for months.  You've been doing all this exercise and hurt your back.  Muscular."  Jennings, together with his bad back, was on his way out and they all knew that.  The guy who couldn't bend, or stand, or walk at work, had been filmed playing golf.

Gil smiled.  "Pulled muscles in my back.  Hope I don't get the same press Jennings does."

"It'll be your first time...not the...millionth!"  Nick laughed.

When they got back home Nick sent Gil out onto the deck to sit in the shade with a juice and the leaflet about the drug.  Cipralex.   He was going to call Conrad Ecklie.  He took a deep breath and picked up the phone...

***

To give him his due, Ecklie was at first shocked and then supportive.  Nick made it clear that Gil did want to work but that the doctor had forbidden it.  He agreed to keep the diagnosis under wraps, at least for the time being.  He agreed that back pain would be the official line and that Nick would tell the team what was really wrong.  Nick also stated that he would not be telling Sara Sidle. 

"There's no way I want her thinking she stands a chance with Gil, because she will interpret the depression as a sign that we're having problems."  Nick was emphatic and indignant and Ecklie laughed. 

"That, Nick, is the gayest thing I've ever heard you say.  Never been quite convinced about the two of you until now."  He laughed some more.

"Yeah, well, it's the way it's always been and always will be."

"I believe you.  I really do.  Give my best to Gil and tell him if he needs anything to let me know.  I won't call unless he wants me to."

"Thanks, Conrad."

Nick went out onto the deck with a beer and Gil was sitting with his eyes closed.  "You asleep?"

"Fast asleep."

"I won't wake you then."

"How was Conrad?"

"Good."

"No problems?"

"No."

"Oh."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing, really.  I thought he would have been pissed at me losing time...more time."

"No, you're sick.  Look, Gil, you're not indispensable...the lab functions in your absence...not at well, I'll give you that or as smoothly, but we get by.  This is your time...time to heal."

"I know this is going to sound stupid, but I feel a lot better."

"You will do...what do they say, 'a problem shared is a problem halved'?"

"They do.  It must be right."  He thought for a moment or two.  "What am I going to do for two weeks, Nick?"

"Nothing; and that's an order."

"What about some research and my articles..."

"...what is it about the word, nothing, do you not understand?"

"Nothing."  Gil smiled.

"Besides, I have plans."

"Plans?"

"Things you can do...not work things."

"Like what?"

"Like we've got a wedding to plan.  You could look around the web and see where we could go...and...when and all that."

Gil smiled.  "I could do that."

"I've got a couple of other things that I've thought about but I'll see about them myself."  He tapped his nose and winked at Gil and Gil smiled.  He really did feel better.

Before he went to work Nick looked through the vast collection of books that Gil had in his den...and picked out a volume and smiled...Gil could read that if he needed to read anything.  When he gave it to Gil he gave him strict instructions not to switch on his laptop, to watch only mindless crap on the TV, read only the book that he'd selected for him, do a crossword, or sleep.  He had no other options at all.

When he gave the book to Gil he'd looked at the title and smiled.

"Thank you.  A very good choice."  He put the book on the coffee table for later...he would probably read some of it: 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Volume One: The Comedies'.

At work that evening, Nick got lucky.  It was Sara's night off and he'd forgotten.  Ecklie had told Catherine that she would be supervising for a couple of weeks while Gil took some sick leave, but left the reason blank.  When Nick arrived she was waiting for him.

"Gil's sick?  He's never sick.  Ecklie didn't say what's wrong with him."  She was fishing without asking him directly.

"I know.  Look, I'm going to tell the team...in assignments...but Gil is suffering from depression.  He wanted to come to work, but the doc has said 'no'."

"Wow.  I didn't see that coming.  He's not been like...well...like Grissom for some time has he?"

"No."

"And he went off on that sabbatical and came back as fit as a fiddle...I thought he was about to resign if I'm honest with you."

Wishful thinking, Nick thought, but said.  "It crossed his mind...he didn't know what was causing it and tried everything to get rid of it without visiting his doctor."

"Typical Grissom.  What about you?  Are you okay?  Did you think it was you?"  Trust Catherine to get right in there and ask the question.

"Yeah, I did.  He did.  But it never was...we're strong."

"You are, I know that.  Come on then, assignments."  She waved the slips at him and walked out of the office with Nick trailing behind her. 

In the briefing room Nick, unusually, closed the door before he took a seat.

"What's with the door?  And where's Grissoms?"  Greg was straight in and Warrick gave him a, 'who gives a fuck', sideways look.

"Gil's sick and Nick has something to tell you."  Catherine sat back and all eyes were on Nick.

"The official version is that Gil has hurt his back, exercising, and been told to rest for two weeks.  What's really wrong...and for now it's just us four who know, and Ecklie, is that Gil has become depressed and has been ordered to have complete rest."

Warrick emitted a low whistle.  "Dude.  That's the last thing I expected to hear."

"Yeah, is he going to be okay?"  Greg wanted to know.

"I hope so.  He's been battling it for some months..."

"...trying to exercise and diet his way out of it?"  Warrick guessed.

"You got that right.  But he just couldn't shake it off.  So he's got to take anti-depressants...and they can take time to kick in...and have complete rest.  He doesn't want the whole world to know...not yet anyway, we'll see how it goes.  He's not ashamed or anything...it's just broadsided him, is all..."

"Sure, I get that."  Warrick nodded.  "Can we do anything to help?"

"I don't think so, not at the moment...except.  Look.  Colour me paranoid..."  He chuckled.  "...but I don't want Sara knowing.  You know what she's like with Grissom.  Waiting for him to turn straight and throw me out...I just think she'll take it the wrong way, think it's me causing it or that we are going to split up.  We're not; we're good."

"You know what, Nick?  That's a good idea; because we'd end up having to listen to her going on about it."  Warrick knew the lay of the land.  Greg nodded his agreement; he thought she wasn't as bad nowadays as she had been when they'd first come out of the closet but any chance to get back onto her favourite hobby horse and she'd be there.

"Gil really does think I'm being paranoid and that's she's come to terms with it after all this time."  Nick was gratified when the three of them laughed.  They knew.  And then Greg remembered something else.

"Uh-uh.  Gil's going to be compared to Jennings isn't he?"  They all laughed some more.

"So, we're one down, we're splitting up.  Okay?"  Catherine bought them back down to earth.

Nick had a home invasion to deal with but the moment he was in his truck he called Gil.

"Honey?  How did it go?"  Gil sounded good to Nick.

"No problemo.  Catherine's happy to be back supervising and Warrick and Greg are good."

"What about Sara?"

"Out tonight...and I meant what I said, I'm not telling her and neither are the others."

"Okay, honey.  Don't get defensive, I understand."  He didn't, Nick thought, but he wasn't going to argue.

"Enough about work, what are you doing?"

"Watching re-runs of great games of the nineties."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Make sure that's all you do.  Okay?"

"I will.  I promise.  What work have you got?"

"Home invasion.  Just going now.  I'll check in at regular intervals."

"I know you will.  I love you, Nick."

"Yeah, I know.  Miss you, man."

"Miss you too.  See you in the morning."

"Yeah.  Bye."  And Nick ended the call and started his truck and for the next ten hours hardly had time to come up for breath.  At least the time went quickly and when he got home Gil had cooked a meal for him.  Organic, of course, and delicious.  Afterwards they went for a walk, a couple of miles at a steady pace.

"You know, Nick, I enjoyed that walk far more than all the other walks I've been doing...because I didn't have to do it, it was a pleasure and I was with you, of course."  They were drinking water out on their deck. 

"That's good.  Maybe we could get some other pleasure now then?"  Nick waggled his eyebrows at Gil.

"I'm pretty certain we can, yes."  He smiled and pulled Nick into his arms.  "We can start right here and now.  But just so you know...a possible side effect of Cipralex is erectile dysfunction, but then, my hands and mouth will not be incapacitated."

Nick laughed and hugged Gil to him and in return was nearly squashed in his very strong arms.   

***

To Nick it seemed that Gil was more relaxed.  But then Nick hardly had time to catch his breath he was so busy at work.

To Gil, himself, he seemed odd...inside himself he was sure he was more relaxed but there was something else and he couldn't explain it or understand it.  It was a physical feeling that his body was slowing down...when he lifted his hand and arm up to remove his glasses it was if he was moving someone's else arm...it was detached.  When he walked, around the house, it was if he was walking beside himself...there was two of him.

It wasn't unpleasant or painful, just weird and made even weirder because when Nick was with him it didn't happen.  It was almost as if Nick was holding him together.  He thought about it and decided that he was probably coming down from the St John's Wort.  That seemed a plausible explanation and although the herb had seemed ineffective it must have had some effect on his body after he took it for the eight or nine weeks.

He'd decided to stay on his shift with Nick...so that his morning was early evening, that way they could maximise their time together and if Gil could go back to work after two weeks he wouldn't have to get used to a different sleeping pattern again.

So he took his first Cipralex tablet one late afternoon when they'd got up from bed.  Gil insisting that they have sex, just in case he suffered immediate erectile dysfunction.

"Man!  I don't think it'll kick in that quick!"  Nick laughed.

"You never know...I think we need to make sure I have plenty of sex all the time so that I don't miss out if I then can't get it up..."

"...on the other hand that's a good enough reason right there."  Nick laughed some more and hugged Gil.  He was getting used to the bear hugs that very nearly suffocated him.  But somehow they were comforting to him and made him feel grounded with Gil...and loved.

They had a little ceremony for the first tablet.  Both chucking as Gil saluted it as the beginning of the end of The Fug.  Neither man voiced their desire that they hoped it was...the end.

"I thought you said you'd got some things planned for us to do, Nick?"

"I've got one thing planned but that's under wraps at the moment."  Gil had used the computer to look into a Civil Ceremony for them and had made a short list of ideas that they were going to go through on Nick's next day off.  "I still haven't got my new laptop...you did promise..."

"...I did, I forgot.  You want me to research which one?"

"Yeah, man, you can do that.  Nothing else.  Except...have a look at gym equipment...I thought we could make the little bedroom into a mini gym.  So you could measure the room up and see what equipment would fit...nothing fancy...weights and a bench. Rowing machine?  What do you think...have a look around...price it up."

Gil was smiling; he could do these tasks and would enjoy it.

They ate their organic breakfast and set off on a walk...Nick found that it set him up for his shift, a little exercise and fresh air.  He normally went to the gym after work, but maybe he should be doing it the other way round...although, he conceded, a walk was different from working out.

They did three miles and when they got home Nick showered and got ready for work while Gil made him his sandwiches.  But it seemed to him that he was watching someone else's hands do the sandwich making.  It was odd.  He'd see how it went and mention it to the doctor at his next visit...there was probably a simple explanation...but he wasn't going to tell Nick, he didn't want him to worry.

When the time came for Nick to leave for work, they made out by the front door before opening it.  Nick thought that Gil was becoming more loving...maybe it was just that he had more time to give him hugs than before but it didn't matter and he wasn't going to complain...either way all he wanted was for Gil to get well and stay well.

After he'd gone to work Gil set about tidying up...there wasn't much to do...and getting the food prepared for their dinner when Nick came in from work. He also measured their small bedroom...not that it was used as a bedroom, more of a storage facility for...rubbish.  Gil decided that clearing it out would make a good project for him to undertake one of the nights.  He had to admit that he was happy to be at home.  As much as it had annoyed him that Dr Grundy had made his stay off work he now realised that he did need to be separated from it...if only for a short time.

He fired up his laptop and started some research for a new laptop for Nick.  It was a bit of a futile exercise.  Everyone had something to recommend it and every one had its detractors.  After about an hour he decided to tell Nick to go with an updated model of the one he'd already got...it was no worse or better than any other model.

Gil was just about to start on gym equipment when he yawned...a real jaw splitting yawn.  He smiled to himself...that would the Cipralex...he didn't know what to expect because two of the side effects were insomnia and somnolence.  Opposite ends of the spectrum; but he'd rather it was he was drowsy and sleepy than unable to sleep.

He decided to lie down on the couch.  The long leather couch was very comfortable and fitted him perfectly. He wasn't cold so just lay down in his jeans and sweat shirt.  It was a real indulgence sleeping during the day...although it was night time it was his day.  He smiled as he wriggled himself into a more comfortable position and immediately fell asleep.

At work, Nick and the rest of the team had yet another multiple homicide and they went off to the scene.  Nick was processing the bedroom when his cell rang with Gil's alert; he stood up and pulled it from his Kevlar.

"Hey, babe?  How ya' doin'."  He drawled out to Gil.

They was no immediate response but Nick could hear Gil breathing...as if he'd done some strenuous exercise.

 "Babe?  Gil?  What's wrong?  Gil, speak to me..."  Nick had gone from calm to panicked in an instance...

Gil was trying to speak but the words were jumbled up in his head and he was frightened...really frightened...   The sound of Nick's voice was helping him and with a monumental effort he spoke...

"Please come home...please..."   His voice didn't even sound like his own as he begged Nick but he heard Nick respond.

"I'm on my way, now, I'm on my way.  I'll leave the phone on..."  But Gil had ended the call.  Nick flew down the stairs two at a time; Catherine was with Greg at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey, careful Nicky...what's wrong?"

"Sorry...got to go...there's something wrong with Gil..."  He was speaking as he was leaving.  "...I've left all my kit in the bedroom."

"Don't worry...go."  Catherine spoke to his back and she and Greg watched as Nick ran to his truck and unlocked it as he approached, jumped in and skidded off...a few moments later they heard the sound of his siren.  He meant business.

***

Nick was panic stricken and as he'd met traffic on the main highway he'd had no second thoughts about using his siren...it was clearing the road ahead for him and he sailed through way faster than he should have been driving but he had to get home.  Normally the journey would take about twenty-five minutes...

In fifteen minutes he screeched up onto the drive way, threw the truck into park and jumped out without turning off the engine...his headlights were still on and the driver's door wide open but he only took two or three steps and stopped and looked, shocked.

The house was lit up like the strip...every light in the house appeared to be on.  He then realised that he couldn't get into the house without his keys so turned back and ran back to the truck and turned off the lights, took his keys and slammed his door shut...but when he turned around the front door was open.

He shouted.  "Gil?  I'm here.  I'm here, babe."  And as he finished shouting he was at the door.

He stopped and looked inside and Gil was standing with his back to the wall and had his service gun in his hand...properly pointing it down to the floor.

"Babe, it's me, it's okay now, I'm here.  What's happened?"   His immediate thought was home invasion and his put his hand on his own gun on his hip.

Gil was breathing heavily...maybe hyperventilating, Nick thought.  He didn't appear to be injured.

"Has someone been in here, Gil, is that what it is?"  He was speaking slowly and calmly but his mouth was dry, his heart was pounding in his chest and his gut was clenching.

"I don't know...I don't know..."  Gil whispered and then he started to slide down the wall and started to cry.  He had the presence of mind to put down his gun next to him.

Nick almost leaped at him...falling to his knees and grabbing hold of him and pulling him to him.  He sighed in relief.  For one moment he'd thought that Gil was going to shoot him or himself...or both of them.

He kept murmuring to Gil. "It's okay, babe, it's okay, I'm here, I won't let anyone hurt you."  But he felt sick to his stomach.  Was this a psychotic break?  He'd heard about them.

Gil sobbed for a few minutes and then pulled back and looked at Nick.  "Sorry...I don't know what happened."

"Hey.  It's okay..."

"...it isn't okay...I got my gun out...that's not okay."  He pulled back further and leaned on the wall...he saw his gun and picked it up to look at it.  "I put the magazine in but I didn't take off the safety...I suppose that is something."  He looked at Nick and gave him a wan smile.  "You must be worried sick."

"I was...but you seem okay now..."

"...I feel okay...now.  Come on, pull me up, I need a piss and a drink..." He put his gun down again.

Nick held out his hands and pulled as Gil levered himself up...it was an easy manoeuvre since he'd lost his weight and was fitter.  He got to his feet and picked up his gun and released the magazine.

"What do you want to drink?  A brandy?"  Nick asked; he was confused because Gil seemed absolutely fine now.

"I wish.  No, coffee will have to do...I'm taking the Cipralex now...and...l think I know what wrong with me."  He added and smiled.  "I bet I know what that was.  I'll go piss and turn out all the lights, you put on the coffee machine?  Okay?"

"Yeah."  Nick was even more confused.  He went to the kitchen and started a fresh coffee pot and watched as it gradually filled up.  Gil came back in and looked a lot better.  He put his arms around Nick from the back.

"That frightened the crap out of me...I can tell you...but look, here it is..."  He held out a leaflet...the one that had come with his Cipralex tablets.

Nick took it and read it through, quickly; he'd done it before but had paid little attention to the listed side effects.

"What happened?  Can you remember?"  He asked Gil.

"I remember quite clearly."  He smiled and nodded towards the coffee machine.  "A fresh coffee and I'll tell you what happened."

They sat at the kitchen table nursing their hot drinks.

"I was researching the laptops, and I think you're going to be best going for an updated model of..."

"Gil!  Babe, get to the relevant bit, please?"  He smiled.

"Okay, I will."  He smiled back.  "I was going to research the gym equipment but I started to become very tired and thought that was good, because as you can see, it says I could have insomnia or somnolence...so I remember thinking I was better off with somnolence..."

"...Gil?  You're killing me, here."  Nick was getting exasperated.

"Sorry...but I'm getting there.  I thought I'd settle of the couch for a nap and that's what I did...I must have slept immediately...but then...  I woke up suddenly and it was odd... The usual three lamps were on in the living room but as I woke up I could have sworn I could see shadows moving...someone or something moving in the shadows.  I called out your name but there was nothing, of course.

"And then I became confused about what I could see and what I couldn't see...was it someone in the shadows?  I got very nervous, very quickly, and panicky and decided that I'd better get my gun.  I got it from the drawer in the den and went around the house switching on all the lights...then it all became blurred and I had no idea what on earth I was doing...and that's when I called you.  That was good, I think, remembering to call you?"  He smiled at Nick.

Nick nodded.  "Yeah, man, it was good."   He wasn't going to mention that he'd never been as scared in his life as he was as he'd driven home like a maniac.

"Then I just waited for you but the longer I waited the more ridiculous it became...I must have realised that I was having some kind of...I didn't know what at the time...I was worried it was a psychotic episode or something...but then you arrived and I was never so relieved in my life.

"It was while I wept that I remembered reading about this and knew what it was.  What I've described fits exactly with some of the side effects.  Nervousness and confusion; even visual disturbances.  It's all there and I think that's exactly what was going on with me."

"I can see...but I don't think you should be like that should you?"

"I don't know...I don't think so...but it was my first tablet and my system is probably just getting used to the drugs.  Do you think I should call the doc..."

"...I think you fucking should!  Before we're both in the hospital with suspected heart attacks..."

"...there is that."  Gil chuckled.  "I feel fine now, really.  What did you tell Catherine?"

"Oh shit, I didn't tell her anything but I'd better get back to work.  I'll call her."

He got out his cell and called Catherine.

"Is everything okay, Nick?"  She asked immediately.

"It is now.  We think he had an adverse reaction to his new drug...I can come back to the scene."

"That's a relief, I was worried.  No, Greg's gone back to the lab with your evidence and your kit so make your way there...are you sure you're okay to go?"

"I'm sure.  Thanks, Catherine."   He ended the call.  "I'm going to the lab, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine.  I promise."

"We'll call the doc in the morning."

"Okay.  I'm pretty certain he'll say to keep taking them...I may not have another...episode."

"Yeah, whatever, we're still calling."

"I agree.  I'm sorry to have..."

"...hey, don't be...you did the right thing."

Nick left Gil a few minutes later; he wasn't absolutely convinced that he was okay, but he had to take his word for it.

When he eventually got home again Gil had made another sumptuous dinner for Nick and assured him that the rest of the night had been spent watching TV and researching gym equipment.  He felt okay...in fact he said he felt quite good.

Nick called the doctor and Gil was able to speak to him between patients.  He explained what had happened and as he had predicted the doctor said to continue to take the tablets but stop and contact him again if he had another adverse reaction. The doctor fully expected that he would not experience anything like that again.  Such reactions were one-offs.


"I hope he's right...my health and temper are depending on it."

"I'll be fine...I know it.  Walk?  Sex?"

"I don't think we should have sex while we're out walking...exhibitionism wasn't on the list of side effects was it?"

They chuckled as they got ready to go for a walk.  Gil did feel quite a lot better...but there was no way the tablet s could be that effective that quick...was there?

***

For the next few days Nick lived his life on the brink...every time his cell as much as bleeped, he jumped.  Gil, on the other hand, was quite definitely better and didn't have another...episode, attack, side effect...or whatever he liked to call it.  He also noted that the odd feelings he'd been having...as if his body parts were disassociated from the rest of him...had gradually subsided and had now gone completely.

The only difference Gil noticed was that he was almost permanently tired and ready to sleep.  He lay down on the couch almost as soon as Nick had gone to work and slept and napped for most of the night and still slept soundly when he was in bed beside Nick.  Since bed with Nick was always preceded with sex in some shape or form...that obviously helped him sleep.  He was pleased there had been no indication at all that he was suffering, so far, from erectile dysfunction.

He'd taken five tablets in all and today was Nick's day off.  They slept in for an hour...which was unusual...but when they got up Nick announced his plan for the day.

Breakfast and then down into Vegas and the New York, New York, hotel and resort and the rollercoaster.  Gil was almost ecstatic.  He was going stir crazy, he said.  He'd only been out of the house to go on walks with Nick.

"Excuse me, Gilbert, in view of your little episode the other night I don't want you using the word crazy, in my earshot."

Gil laughed and agreed.  "I can see your point.  Maybe I just need a change of scenery.  I never thought about the rollercoaster...can we ride it twice?"

"Don't push your luck, sunshine."  Nick wasn't that keen on being flung upside down several times at God knows what speed.

"Aww...where's your spirit of adventure young Nicholas?"  Gil laughed some more.

"My spirit's just fine without having it flung around...but you can ride it twice, I'll let you."  He smiled and hugged Gil.  "How about we stay in town, maybe play a game or two...eat out?"

"I would like that.  What if someone sees me with my bad back?"

"Let 'em video you and send it to Ecklie."

"When we get back, if I can stay awake, we must look at the wedding information I downloaded.  I want to make an honest man of you."

"Okay...that's the plan...maybe we could have a go on the tables."

"You?"  Gil sounded incredulous and Nick looked hurt.  "Sorry...but you're not a gambler...admit it?"

"Nah...I can hang around you and beat the ladies away."  He chuckled.

"That's very generous of you.  Do you know...I know we've only just had breakfast...but I could eat sushi...I haven't had any for months...longer even."

"It's a deal.  I think there's a bar at the Bellagio.  We can use their parking garage and walk up to the New York."

"Okay...lead on..."

"Should that be MacDuff?"

"No, Nick."  Gil smirked, he knew very well that Nick knew it was the wrong quote.

They had a good time in town and they did ride the rollercoaster twice before going back for sushi...but by the time they sat down Gil was so tired he could hardly keep awake, so they just had a few tasters from the bar and called time.  No gambling.

When they got in, Gil toed off his shoes and dropped onto the couch, quite unceremoniously.

"Will you sleep there?"

"Definitely, and what's more you can have on the TV as loud as you want...I promise you it will not disturb me at all."

"Okay. But where's the wedding info', I'll look at that first?"

"On the desk in the den."  Gil yawned and Nick followed suit.  "You tired too?"

"Yeah...but I'm not going to sleep...ruin my pattern."

He left Gil and found the papers he'd printed off and Nick read through them and as he looked at where they could go, he had an idea....and wondered if Gil would agree.

He did some work on his laptop and also looked at newer laptop models...Gil had said that if he was happy with his old laptop then the best thing would be to just have an upgraded model.  He was pleased with the work he'd been able to do with old one...and it was getting on for three years old so in computer terms it was a dinosaur.  So he made a decision about that too.  He spent three hours in the den doing some work on a paper he was writing and then he heard Gil moving around.

He went out and Gil was climbing the stairs.  "You okay?"

"Still tired, but I need to pee."

"You want a drink or anything to eat?"

"I'm not hungry but an herbal tea would be good."

"Coming up."

"Thanks."  Nick thought Gil did sound very tired but as he said he hadn't been out of the house except for walks for over a week.  But he did need a change of scenery.  Nick watched him climb out of sight and thought that he hadn't had any in depth talks with Gil about how he felt now.  He certainly wasn't his normal self, but he did seem better.  More relaxed, but then that was probably because he didn't have to work...good idea of the doc's.

Nick went into the kitchen and waited for the kettle to boil.  Gil came up behind him and hugged him.

"Love you."

Nick turned in Gil's arms and faced him.  "Love you right back, man.  Babe?"

"That's an ominous sounding, babe."

"No, man.  We haven't talked about how you're feeling...whether you feel any better...worse?"

"Do we normally talk about our feelings?"

Nick chuckled.  "No, we don't, you're right...but these are exceptional times...don't you think."

"I suppose they are.  I do feel better...but some part of me thinks that's because I'm at home...no work pressure...no pressure at all, really.  Because I have you.  But sometimes I'll sit down at the kitchen table or on the couch or the deck and suddenly I feel panicky...as if I'm not any better and I'm not going to get any better.  Then I berate myself...I haven't even been on the tablets for a week yet."

"I think you are better...but I wondered if it was because you are off work...the doc wanted it and he was right."

"He was."

"You would tell me if you felt any worse wouldn't you?  No trying to hide it or pretend it's the male menopause?"

"Never again.  I promise to confront it and get better for you.  I have given some thought to whether or not your traumas have influenced me...whether I should seek therapy."

"And?"

"I don't think they are.  I don't, I can't, associate any of your traumas with my depression; it's as if it's of my own making...everything in my life was off kilter...and of course, I was trying to label it...desperately trying to seek a reason...and..."

"...there is no reason?"

"I don't think there is...I've just got depressed like millions of other Americans.  A sign of the times maybe, I don't know.  It just is..."  Gil stopped.

"Is...what?"

"Nothing.  It just is."

"Yeah...I get it."

They stayed hugging for some minutes, in silence.  Comfortable and safe.   Gil looked at Nick and smiled.

"Did you look at the weddings?"

"Yeah, I did.  I have an idea...if you don't like it say so.  But you know our bucket list?"

"Yes.  With China at the top."

"That's it...we have all these great places that we plan to visit.  I thought we could just get married and then maybe use China as the official honeymoon."

"I think I know what you're going to say...just slip away for a weekend, maybe, to marry and then save the honeymoon?"

"Yeah...that's what I thought...and you?"  Nick grinned.

"I thought New York.  We can fill in the forms on-line, we have to go and register the wedding but there's no residency test, then wait twenty four hours and then we can get married.  We could even get a package with it all arranged.  If you have a long weekend off...your next one...even?"   Gil smiled.  "We could fly out on a Thursday night, register Friday, marry Saturday and home Sunday."

"That sounds like a plan, a great plan."

"Shall I check it all out see what we have to do?  You'd just need one extra day off and if I'm still on sick leave..."

"...you have thought it through."  Nick was grinning from ear to ear.

"I guess I have.  Catherine would give you an extra day off wouldn't she?  To get married?"

"I think she probably would.  Wooohooo, man."  Nick let go of Gil and did a little happy dance in the kitchen.

"A good idea then?"

"The best, the best."

"Nick?  I do feel better you know.  But I have to go to sleep...did you make my tea?"

"Coming up!"

***

Catherine was an absolute pushover, much to Nick's surprise, and he got his extra day, but at a price; he had to forfeit a day off the week before.   But Nick was convinced that she thought Gil wouldn't come back and the job would be hers...but Gil would come back, Nick was sure.  Whether he stayed or not...that was another matter.

It gave them two weeks to plan it all...but there was nothing to plan, except getting someone to arrange it all for them.  They would still have to appear in person and wait in line to register so there was no way they could speed up that part of the process, except by completing the forms on-line and getting a registration number.  Gil contacted a wedding planner, who, despite the short notice, would arrange a hotel and a judge to marry them, at the hotel, on the Saturday.  The planner would be their witness.  They had to pay extra for the privilege but it was worth it and as weddings go it wasn't that expensive. 

It took Gil three days of a few phone calls and e-mails and completing, as far as possible, the on-line registration forms...together with a fair number of naps to replenish his batteries as he went along.  And the flights were booked, flying out from McCarran to JFK on Thursday morning and back home on Sunday morning. 

Nick and a half-comatose Gil managed to get to the forum shops.  Gil didn't complain; he knew it needed to be done but it did exhaust him and because it needed to be done so quickly it couldn't be put off until another day, or week...they were getting married in less than two weeks' time.  They found matching wedding bands.  Just extremely plain, thin, gold bands; nothing ostentatious but they had to have them altered to fit.  They were going to take their 'court' suits to wear, but then they discovered Gil's was way too big so he had to have a new suit and dress shirt and they bought each other a new tie...though Nick did have the final say over Gil's choice of tie for him. 

The doctor's visit came around the day after all the wedding planning was completed and Gil was actually hoping for another two weeks off work which would suit their wedding plans.  He didn't have to ask...the doctor asked for a detailed account of how Gil had been.  Gil told him about the tiredness; (although he did omit that he had been busy planning their wedding and that had left him really exhausted for three days) and also, to Nick's surprise, he detailed the physical feelings he'd had in his limbs...of them not belonging to him when he was moving them.

This surprised Dr Grundy who asked a few more questions about it and then he decided that it could have been the residual effects of stopping taking the St John's Wort.  But if they did start up again Gil was to come straight back to his office.  Gil thought that was a probable reason and agreed that he would come back to see him of it happened again, but he just didn't think it would.  He looked at Nick and knew he would get a grilling about it when they left the doctor's office.

The doctor admitted that the tiredness was a very common side effect and that Gil should take a further two weeks off work.  Both men smiled, knowingly, at each other and the doctor looked at them and frowned.

"You're plotting something?"

"We are.  We're flying to New York the weekend after next to get married."

"Congratulations.  Happy to be of some help."

"Thank you."

Gil was right about the grilling.  "Why didn't you tell me?"  Nick asked as soon as they walked out of the office suite.

"I didn't want to worry you any more than I had done.  It was just an odd feeling here and there."

"For fuck's sake Gilbert Grissom, you're supposed to be telling me everything aren't you?"  Gil was taken aback at Nick's anger, and decided there and then to retreat and apologise.

"I'm very sorry, you're right, I should have told you.  I won't keep anything from you again."

"How do I know...if you didn't tell me about this...how do I know you won't be keeping other secrets from me?"

Gil thought for a moment or two.  Nick was right.  "You won't know...except that you have my absolute assurance that I will tell you everything from now on...that was the only thing I didn't tell you and it did wear off after three of four days."

"Will you promise faithfully?"

"I will."

"You'd better...'cause we're not married yet..."  Nick was still angry.

"...I promise, Nick.  I really do."  Gil was shocked at Nick's manner.

"Make sure you do, man, or we could be having a short marriage and a long divorce."

Gil stood still, reeling from what Nick had said.  Nick looked at him and immediately regretted his words...on the other hand it did look as if Gil had learned a valuable lesson...and not a day too soon.

"Okay.  Let's go pick up the rings...see if they fit."  Nick smiled and slung an arm around Gil's shoulders, sure that his words had sunk home.

"They should fit...I won't ever keep secrets again, I do promise."

"You can keep some secrets...like what you're buying me for my birthday, or for Christmas...but that's about it."

"Understood."

At work Nick was on a high.  The doc was very pleased with Gil and he'd shocked Gil into promising there'd be no more secrets and, of course, he was very pleased that they would be married in less than two weeks.  Sara noticed when they were handed their assignments.

"You're in a good mood."

"That would be in the affirmative."

"Go on then, share."  She laughed.

"Gil and I are getting married on the tenth.  In New York."  Sara stopped laughing but Warrick and Greg both chatted at once congratulating him and wanting details.

"But how is Grissom going to be able to fly with his bad back?"  Sara wasn't letting go that easily.

"He hasn't got a bad back.  That was a smokescreen.  He's been suffering from depression and is on medication.  Doc said he'd got to rest...no work...but it's okay to get married."  Nick added with a grin.  He didn't care if she knew now; not when he had the news that they were getting hitched.

"Why was it a secret?  It's nothing to be ashamed about."

"No, it isn't, you're right.  He just wanted some privacy, is all."

"Should he be making decisions about his future while he's presumably on medication?"  Nick actually thought that was a valid point.

"We've been planning to get married for some time..."   He lied easily, although it was a half-truth, really.  "...but the opportunity arose to do it now...so we took it."

"Oh."  Finally, Sara had run out of questions but she didn't look happy.

"Are your family going?"  Catherine wanted to know.  Nick stopped and looked at her.  Shit.  He hadn't spoken to his parents...they didn't know.

"No, it's only going to be quick.  Fly in, register, marry, fly out.  We'll maybe go to a family get together later in the year.  He made a mental note to call them as soon as he got home.  How could he forget?

When he got in his truck to go to a suspicious fire, he called Gil.

"Hey babe?  Did I wake you?"

"Not quite...just watching the news, but I was starting to get real drowsy."

"You'll never guess what I've forgotten to do?"

"I don't know."

"Aren't you going to guess?"

"You said I'd never guess."

"Oh, yeah, okay."  He'd forgotten, (how could he forget that, too) that Gil was almost always literal.  "I haven't told the family about us."

"Will that cause any problems?"

"No, I don't think so.  But I'll call them when I get in.  You go to sleep now and have sweet dreams."

"I will, love you, take care, honey."

"Love you right back."

Nick didn't think it would be a problem and it wasn't.  They weren't really that close any more.  All but one of his six siblings were scattered all over.  From Hawaii to Florida and one in London.  They tried to meet up once a year and it worked quite well.  The Stokes' family in their entirety weren't that family orientated...it was work first, then work second and finally work came in third, too.

That out of the way it was plain sailing to the wedding.

Gil felt well.  As the week progressed he was less tired but he was having trouble with his appetite.  He told Nick immediately that he'd stopped feeling hungry and that it seemed a chore to eat...even his beloved organic food.  They consulted the trusted leaflet and there is was...loss of appetite...among the side effects.

"As long as you can manage something each meal time, you should be okay.  I'll get you some Ensures...if you drink one of those each day you'll be covered."  Nick was remaining calm for the present...no unnecessary panicking just yet...but then it could be managed, he was sure.

"I will.  Got a wedding coming up, can't afford to be too skinny."  He chuckled and added.  "I don't think I'll ever be skinny."

"Not with those muscles...perhaps a little more exercise would help...and I'm only talking a little more walking...try and build up an appetite."

"It's worth a try."

They decided to walk to the mall and back...about five miles...and buy some Ensures.  They took water and a back pack and walked steadily, and in mostly companionable silence towards the mall.   Nick broke the silence.

"How you doing with the fug?"

Gil hesitated.  "I don't really want to talk about it..."

"...Gilll..."  Nick whined but Gil interrupted him.

"...because it is definitely better."  He smiled.  "I don't want to tempt fate.  I'm not like myself yet...if you understand...but I can see glimpses of my old self.  But I am worried."

"Worried about what?  It's good news?"

"Simply because it is good news.  I never expected to reap the benefits of the drug so quickly."

"Could it be that the herb...St John's Wort...kind of set you on the right road...it didn't work per se, but it started off the process, say..."

"...that's my conclusion, too.  But it is early days and there could be set backs, so I don't want to be overly optimistic."

"Being optimistic at all, isn't that a good sign?"

"Yes, I never looked at it that way, but you're right."

"Well, I've got to tell you, Dr Grissom, that you're going to start having to credit me with being right...most...if not all of the time."

Gil laughed.  "I do, Nick, believe me, I do.  I gave up a long time ago thinking that I could get one over on you."  He laughed some more.

"Man, that's good.  Just remember, is all."

"I promise."  And Gil took hold of Nick's hand and they walked on, hand in hand.

When they got home, Gil was tired but Nick made him a small omelette and he ate all of it with a slice of toast.  He had an Ensure for dessert.

Nick had one day off the week before they were going to New York.  He told Gil to get plenty of rest before he got home...because they were going out...but he wouldn't say where and Gil got ridiculously excited about the prospect of going out for some kind of treat.  He really was going stir crazy he'd done nothing...after riding the rollercoaster and then the flurry of activity planning their nuptials.

When Nick got in, he showered and dressed in old jeans and a tee short and leather jacket.  He told Gil to dress the same.  He didn't have a leather jacket but he had a warm windcheater that Nick said would do.  Nick also made him go into the kitchen and close the door while he took something out to the truck.  To say that Gil was itching to know what was going on was an understatement.

After what seemed an age, but was only a few minutes, Nick came in for him and told him they were off...he really hadn't been so excited about something for a long time...maybe he was getting better.  Enthusiasm had been sadly lacking in his life...and it was making a comeback!

They made their way west out of Vegas and as they drove on for some miles Gil had to ask.

"Are we heading for Spring Mountains?"

"Yeah, we are."

"What are we going to be doing out there?  I haven't packed a lunch...a picnic."

"Won't need one...meals are provided."

"Provided with...?"

Nick hooted.  "No way, Jose...you've got to wait."

Gil was getting impatient and started fiddling.  First with the radio, then with the electric windows and then checking the glove box.

All Nick did was chuckle....which infuriated Gil even further.  Then Gil saw a sign and pointed at it.  "Really?  Is that it?"  He grinned.

Nick laughed and Gil repeated himself but Nick didn't speak until he made a right turn onto a track that led to their destination...

***

The sign said 'Horse Riding!  Next Turn Right!  Take the trails - enjoy the freedom of being on horseback!'

"Are we going riding?  Really?"

"We are...I brought my boots and your work boots...they should be okay.  I remember you said you rode quite a bit when you were teenager...so I asked them for an old nag!"

"You didn't...I won't be that bad.  It's like riding a bicycle isn't it?"

"I guess.  No wheels, or handlebars, or brakes, though."  Nick grinned as he pulled up in a parking lot.  "You think you'll be okay?"

"More than...Nick, honey, this is great.  Thank you."

They booked in and had to sign some stuff about waivers for injury and book their lunch for when they returned.  They both chose homemade chili and then they were being introduced to their rides.  Both mares, a chestnut with honey coloured mane and tail and called, coincidentally, Honey; and a dappled grey called Maggie.  Nick took Honey and Gil, Maggie.

As Gil stood at the side of Maggie, Nick spoke.  "Do you need a hand up?"

"I don't know...let's see."  He took the reins, grabbed the saddle and hauled himself aboard...not quite as smoothly as he'd intended but well enough and he smirked at Nick. "Now I just need to find the pedals."

"Man, you think you're so funny."  Nick laughed and he did mount Honey smoothly and efficiently and he saluted Gil by dipping the Stetson he'd bought along.  It'd been a couple of years since he'd worn it but it felt like yesterday.

"I wish I had one."  Gil sounded jealous.

"You could get one...the shop sells them."

"No, I'm okay; I'll see if we come again.  My baseball cap will be fine...do I start with a yeehaw?"

"You can, but wait until I'm some distance from you so people won't know we're together."

Gil laughed and they set off in unison.  Nick felt comfortable and Gil felt better than he had for a very long time.

They made a steady pace and took in the views and stopped a couple of times.  Just over two hours later they were back in the compound.  Nick jumped down and handed the reins of Honey to the stable hand and Gil did the same with Maggie.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"My ass is numb and I think my balls are bruised."

"Wait 'til you get the feeling back in your backside!"  He laughed.  "But I could kiss your balls better...if you want?"

"Here and now?"

"Later...maybe we could stop off road?"  Nick winked and Gil swallowed.

They stayed for their lunch and enjoyed the eye-wateringly hot chili.  As they ate their ice cream dessert...designed to cool their mouths, Nick reckoned, Gil smiled at Nick.

"I'm going to say that this has been your wedding present to me...it's been one of the best days I can remember having for a long time.  Thank you."

"You're welcome.  I hadn't thought about wedding presents at all.  So what are you getting for me?"

Gil laughed...Nick noted that he'd laughed more today than he had since Nick couldn't remember when.  "What do you want?"

"You.  Cured.  Is all."

Gil, suddenly serious, nodded.  "I'm getting there...I really believe I'm getting there."

"I know you are."

"Do you think a blow job after eating that chili might burn our dicks?"  Gil asked, seriously.

Nick frowned.  "It could, I bet...even after this ice cream."  But then he grinned.  "You willing to chance it?"

"Need you ask?"

On the way back home they found a track leading up into the foothills of the mountains.  Nick drove along it for about a mile...it was deserted.  He found another track leading off it...it looked unused, so he reversed the truck about twenty yards down it.

"This do?"

"I think so.  Back seat?"

"Back seat."

They jumped out and then back into the truck like a pair of naughty boys and laughed and hugged and then started kissing and groping and it wasn't long before Nick was bent over Gil's lap, lapping at his released and leaking dick.

After Gil had returned the compliment, they sat back regaining their breath when Gil spoke.

"My dick isn't burning.  What about yours?"

"Does burning with desire count?"

"That's lame, Nick.  And I thought I'd just dampened the fire for at least a few minutes."

Nick chuckled and agreed and added that he wasn't suffering from burning dick syndrome.

When they got home, they had showers and went straight to bed.  Both men slept solidly for ten hours.

Gil seemed to feel better each day and was sleeping less; he really thought he was ready to return to work.  Nick was playing it cool and said that that decision was the doc's decision and Gil was forced to agree.

The day they were flying out to New York nearly ended in disaster.  Nick was kept at work dealing with a murder, no one's fault really; he couldn't just up and leave, though Catherine did take over in the end.  He showered at work and wore the clothes he kept in his locker for emergencies and Gil took their luggage to McCarron in a taxi.  They made it by the skin of their teeth.

It was a good flight.  Gil read and Nick slept.  Transfer was by limo, booked by the wedding planner, and they had a great suite at the hotel...with fresh flowers, fruit and a bottle of champagne.  They showered and rested and then went out for a meal and wandered around Broadway for a little while, but they had to be up early the next day to get to the Manhattan City Clerk's office to get their marriage license.  They could be in line for most of the day and fail to get a license, so it was imperative to be there early.

So after a great breakfast in their room, showers and a quick hand job each they were there an hour before the office opened and were relieved to find that they were sixth in line.  It still took them a couple of hours to get it all done despite the on-line forms being all in order and possessing every piece of information and identification required.

When they came out into a sunny day in New York City, Gil held an envelope in which was their wedding license.

"I'm nervous, can we take it back to the hotel."  Gil looked around pretending to be furtive.

Nick laughed.  "Good thinking.  I want to check out the room where we're getting married."

"I should have thought to do that yesterday."

It was a reasonably small room, often used for intimate ceremonies.  Tastefully decorated with oak furniture and leather chairs.  The concierge said that fresh flowers would be put out for the ceremony.  Everything was going well...but neither man said a word about it for fear of jinxing their day.

They got tickets for an off-Broadway play and had a Chinese meal beforehand and walked back to their hotel, happy and relaxed.

They were marrying at midday.  So they decided that they would have a leisurely breakfast, get married, and then change their clothes and see where their feet took them.

That's what they did.  The Judge was a pleasant elderly gentleman.  The wedding planner was a middle aged woman, beautifully dressed.  The flowers were intoxicating with their scent and there was a photographer who took several pertinent photographs that would be delivered to the hotel, he said, by six that evening.  It was low key.  It was perfect for what they wanted.

They thanked the wedding planner and tipped her quite generously...since she'd done exactly what they had requested.  She reminded them that the limousine would be there to take them to JFK at ten thirty in the morning.  She wished them a happy life together...and it was over.

They changed and couldn't resist making love.  They were, after all, married.  So it was legal. 

After the breakfast they'd eaten they weren't hungry so decided to get some exercise.  Central Park in the afternoon; maybe a concert to listen to, or a play.  They actually listened to a brass band for half an hour and started to walk back to their hotel.  They passed a hot dog stand that had quite a number of people waiting in line.

"They smell good.  A New York dog?"

"A suitable wedding feast I think."  Gil agreed and so they had one each with all the trimmings...and then found a bench where they could eat them and savour each bite!

Nick took a huge chunk out of his and half-way through chewing it spoke...  "You reckon it's organic?"

Gil nodded enthusiastically.  "Absolutely."

The journey back to Las Vegas was just as uneventful; they did had to search for Nick's truck since he'd forgotten, in his rush to get to the check-in, where it was parked.  When they got home Nick went to put on the coffee machine straight away.  When he came out of the kitchen a few moments later, Gil was looking through their mail.

"Babe?" Gil looked and smiled.  "Do you feel any different?"

"Yes, I do.  I feel married.  And better than I've done in months...and then some."

"Yeah.  Yeah.  I feel married.  You look good.  Real good.  You've really knocked the fugging fuck on the..."  He stopped and laughed.  "...the fucking fug, on the head."  He finished.

Gil laughed.  "Fugging fuck sounds good to me.  Hey, a cheque from the insurance company for the doctor and the Cipralex.  That was quick.  And while I think about it, let's order your new laptop...did you decide?"

"Sure did."

"And the gym equipment.  I've bookmarked a few pages, see what you think."

"Okay."

At that moment for whatever reason, Nick felt really optimistic about their future.  About Gil's health and about their marriage.

***

When Nick went into work on the Monday night after their wedding, Catherine hugged him as did Wendy and Mandy.  Greg and Warrick and most of the other lab rats shook his hand in congratulations.  Sara was nowhere to be seen.

"Tell us what it was like."  Catherine demanded.

"Well we flew to New York, booked into a hotel...had dinner..."

"...Nick.  The wedding.  What was the wedding like?"

"The wedding?  Well there was a judge and the witness...oh, and a photographer."

"Great, you've got photographs?  Where are they?"

"At home."

"Nick, you're as clueless as Grissom, you've lived with him for too long."  She was exasperated.

They all laughed as Sara came into the room.  She didn't say anything but Nick decided he could yank her chain.

"I'm going to be Nick Grissom from now on."  He announced.

Warrick and Greg appeared to be flabbergasted.  Catherine's mouth dropped open and Sara just stood still staring at him.

"You're joking, man."  It was Warrick who called it.

"Yeah, I am...but I got y'all."  He drawled and chuckled.

Sara just sat down on the chair, heavily.  Nick thought that maybe she'd just, in that very moment, realised that Gil was never going to be hers...

The appointment with Dr Grundy was for ten in the morning of the Tuesday after their marriage.  Gil was prepared to ask to go back to work.  Nick thought he should see what the doctor said.  But it was apparent to both men that Gil was very much better.

"So how did the wedding go?"  Dr Grundy asked as he shook Gil's and then Nick's hand.

"Very well, thank you."  Gil answered and Nick just grinned.

"And how are you feeling?"

"A lot better.  I am surprised, because the St John's Wort didn't work and I don't mind admitting that I was pessimistic about the Cipralex.   And I think it has worked very well and very quickly."

"There are no hard and fast rules.  Maybe the St John's Wort did work some, prepared the way for the stronger drug.  The time stated for the efficacy of all drugs is an average.  So if one drug doesn't work for someone and they take it for weeks and weeks it extends the average.  I'm pleased the first drug we tried has worked, because it can be hit and miss finding the right drug for the right person.  So...tell me...exactly how do you feel now?"

"I feel good when I'm with Nick...he's like an anchor.  I know he's there, I know he takes care of me.  Sometimes when he's not there I feel...closed in...as if I need to fight my way to get out of...I don't know what.  Other times I'm okay.  But I haven't felt the need to do something else to get away from the depression...like all the exercise.   I felt that if I was exercising I wasn't depressed...I was holding it at bay.  Now when I'm feeling bad I...it's difficult to put into words...I sit it out, I suppose.  I know it will pass and if it doesn't Nick will be home and I can lean on him.

"I'm sorry, it's very difficult to put into words and I'm not known for talking about my feelings."  He shrugged.

Nick spoke before the doctor did.  "But I understand what you're saying.   I can see how you've improved and I know we don't talk about it...because we don't...but I know."

"Depression is a word covering many, many, different types of feelings that people have and trying to express them to anyone, let alone a relative stranger, is difficult.  But I think I understand what you're getting at, and in four weeks you are a lot, I can see that.  How about sleep?  Still most of the day and night?"

"No.  I still do get tired but not like I was when I first started taking the tablets."

"What about the other disturbances you had...confusion, panic attacks?"

"No...just that once.  Thankfully."

"I'm going to keep you on Cipralex and see you again in two weeks.  Do you think you're up to returning to work?"

"Yes.  I am.  I didn't think at first that I should have been off work...but I soon realised that you were right...I did need to rest."

Dr Grundy smiled.  "I'm just happy it worked for you.  I want to see you again in two weeks.  I still want to keep a close eye on you...as soon as I see fit we'll get you off the tablets...if we can.  But not too soon...I would think about six months before we see if you will need a long term low maintenance dose to keep your equilibrium or whether this was an isolated bout.  How are you feeling about therapy?"

"I really don't think I need it...but see how I go.  If I can, I would like to get off the drugs altogether."

"Of course you would, and I would like that too...but sometimes it isn't that easy.  No need to think about it yet...I won't even consider it, like I said, for about six months of you feeling okay and then we'll gradually reduce the dose until you stop it completely.  It must be reduced gradually or you will suffer withdrawal symptoms and that could make you worse.  Do you fully understand that?"  At Gil's nod Dr Grundy continued.  "At that stage we will have to consider how you're doing without it.  But let's get you better first before we consider all that.  And for the record I think you will make a good recovery since you have been so receptive to the drug, but we'll see."  He smiled and Gil smiled...and Nick grinned...because he knew exactly what Gil was thinking.

It was agreed he would return to work the following night and 'see how it went'.  When they got out of the office, Nick stopped Gil and put his hands on his shoulders.

"You will do exactly what the doc ordered.  I know what you were thinking in there...'I'm not staying on any drugs if I feel better'...you were, weren't you?"  Gil rolled his eyes.  "Don't come that with me...I'll know and I'll rat you out."

Gil knew when to give up.  "Fine.  Fine."  He held his hands up in surrender and Nick nodded his acceptance.  "But I thought he was giving me hope with one hand and taking it away with the other."

"He was covering all his bases, babe, is all."  Nick grinned.

Gil's return to work was low key.  In fact only Ecklie and Nick knew.  Catherine was going to remain supervising for a few days to ease Gil back into the game.  But within a few hours Gil felt comfortable and interested in his work for the first time, in what seemed to him to be years...maybe it had been slowly creeping up on him for that long. 

Nick and him had agreed that he'd see how he felt about work after he'd settled back in...there was no need to rush any decisions, but he could always find other work if the lab was indeed what was triggering his depression.  He was easy.  Nick was easy.  The whole situation suddenly became easy.  Everything would be okay.

Gil still had some bad days but he coped and, more importantly, he could recognise when it was happening.  He felt in control again.  And he realised that's what had happened...everything had run away from him, he'd lost control, but Nick had found him and bought him back.  He was in no doubt that despite his depression, or even because of it, their love for each other was now stronger and their lives more fulfilled.  

About eight weeks after Gil returned to work he was in the break room getting himself a mug of coffee when he stopped to listen to something; there was a radio playing softly in the background and a very familiar song was being sung...by Doris Day.  His Grandma Grissom had loved Doris Day and he'd often heard this song as a child.  He smiled and forgot about his coffee and went in search of Nick.

He found him in the AV lab with Archie and Catherine staring at the big screen at some tape from a casino.

Gil went up to Nick and slung and arm around his shoulder pulling him to face him and then started singing, loudly and quite robustly.  "Kiss me, honey, honey, kiss me; thrill me, honey, honey, thrill me..."

Nick's mouth dropped open as did the mouths of Catherine and Archie.  All three of them were staring at Gil.

"What the..." Nick started.

"...I just heard it on the radio...a song from my childhood and I thought as you're my honey I'd come and sing it to you...and I like to see you blush!"  He kissed a pink cheek and turned and left, speaking as he went.  "You can get on with your work now."

Catherine recovered her voice to remark.  "You do look very cute with pink cheeks...I have to admit."  She started laughing and Archie stared laughing gently and in seconds was having difficulty staying upright on...or even on...his chair.

Nick recovered a little and stomped out of the lab and went at full speed along the corridor to Gil's office where he was just arriving with his coffee, having detoured to the break room to collect it.

"Excuse me...what the fuck was all that about?"

Gil laughed and put down his coffee on his desk and went up to Nick and hugged him...although Nick tried to wriggle out of the very strong arms...without success.

"Sweetheart...sweetheart."  Nick stopped struggling and looked into Gil's smiling face.

"What?"  He was suspicious.

"I feel...I'm not depressed...I feel my normal self, Nick, and I suddenly realised when I heard that song on the radio in the break room...no idea why.  Except it reminded me of a happy time in my life...and I thought, I feel happy.  Now.  I feel happy."

"Wow."  It was Nick's turn to hug Gil and they held each other very tightly and rocked a little backwards and forwards. 

Nick pulled back from Gil and grinned at him but then frowned and pulled away a little further and stabbed Gil in the chest with his finger.

"And that doesn't mean you should stop taking your medication.  You need to finish the course and come off it gradually and sensibly under the doc's care.  You hear me?"

"I do, sweetheart, I do.  You could kiss me now and let me be thrilled...honey, honey..." He sang it softly this time round.

"...and we'll book that trip...our honeymoon...to China..."   Was all Nick could manage before being devoured there and then...in Gil's office in full view of anyone who cared to watch... 

And that would be Catherine.

The End

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17701485

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