Title: If Only
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Nick Stokes
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Table: Angst, mission_insane
Prompt: 7, If only
Author's Note: Post-ep for the S11 CSI: Vegas episode "Cello and Goodbye", and a sequel to the Greg/Nick fic "When the Heartache Ends". Completely unrelated to the other Greg/Nick series that I write.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Nick Stokes, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Nick heaved a sigh as he bounded up the steps to his front door, pulling out his keys as he went. He knew that Greg was waiting for him inside; he'd decided to run out to pick up some burgers and fries for dinner, rather than actually doing any cooking tonight.

All he wanted to do was have a nice relaxing evening at home with Greg, free of any unsettling thoughts. But he didn't think that was in the agenda; these days, it was so easy for Greg to succumb to melancholia, and Nick wasn't going to tell him tht he had no right to that.

Greg was still grieving, even though it seemed that he was finally starting to pull himself out of the black hole of despair that had claimed him for weeks after Jonah's death. He was smiling more, even making a few jokes now and then. The old Greg was coming back, slowly but surely.

But he was still subject to bouts of sadness that could last for a few days, and Nick wasn't going to deny him his right to that heartache. He had lost someone he'd cared for deeply; Nick knew that he himself would feel the same way if he was in Greg's shoes.

Unlocking the door, he stepped into the welcome air-conditioned coolness of his living room, his gaze moving aroudn the room to where Greg sat on the couch, idly leafing through a magazine. Nick tensed when he saw the expression on his boyfriend's face; Greg didn't look happy.

When he looked up and saw Nick at the door, he smiled and reached out a hand, but Nick could tell that the smile was forced. Greg had obviously been thinking about Jonah again; it was clear from the expression on his face that the melancholia was sinking in again.

"Hey, babe," Nick said softly, holding up the bag of hamburgers and fries. "I went by Mickey D's for these -- hope you don't mind that. They've got the best fries, y'know." He smiled, trying to make a joke of it, but he could sense that his attempt at a bit of humor had fallen flat.

"That's fine," Greg said softly, putting the magazine aside and getting up. Nick stopped him with a hand on his chest as Greg headed for the kitchen; he preferred to have dinner in the living room, sitting on the couch and talking. They needed to have a serious talk about Greg's emotional state.

Greg shrugged and let Nick push him gently back to the couch, sitting down and taking the bag from Nick. It took them a few moments to sort out their food; once they had, Nick handed Greg the chocolate shake he'd gotten for his boyfriend, giving him a tentative smile.

"Greg, I know you're still depressed about Jonah sometimes," he said softly, deciding that the best way to start this discussion was to jump right into it. "I don't blame you for that. The death of somebody you care about a lot isn't going to be easy to deal with. Not for anybody."

"I'm doing the best I can, Nicky," Greg said, his voice barely audible. He bit into his hamburger, not looking over at Nick. He obviously didn't want to talk, but Nick wasn't going to let him dance around the subject. They needed to get all of this out in the open. Now.

"You can't let yourself just sink into depression, Greg," he said, keeping his voice soft, but hoping that Greg could hear the firmness underlying his words. "Jonah wouldn't have wanted you to do that, either. He's gone, but you're still here. And you've got to make a life for yourself."

"I keep thinking that things would be so different if only he was still here," Greg whispered, his voice unsteady. "I wish it had never happened, Nicky. I know you probably feel differently about that -- but I still miss him. I keep asking myself if I could have done anything to stop it."

"What could you have done, Greg?" Nick asked, feeling as though his heart was breaking. "If you think I'm glad that the guy you loved died, you're wrong. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you're giving us another chance, but if he was still here and you were with him, I'd be happy for you."

Greg nodded, gulping before he spoke again. "What if I'd been there? I might have been able to stop him from being killed. He might still be with me." His voice broke on the last word; he put down his food and closed his eyes, obviously struggling to hold back tears.

"If you'd been there with him, then you might have been killed, too," Nick told him, his own voice faltering at the thought. "I couldn't have stood that, Greg. Losing you isn't an option. If you're with somebody else who's making you happy, I'd be okay. But I couldn't deal with you dying."

"I don't plan on dying any time soon," Greg said softly, looking directly into Nick's eyes. Nick was relieved to hear that his boyfriend's voice was strong and firm as he spoke. "Don't worry about that, Nicky. I might get depressed about Jonah being gone, but I don't intend to follow him."

"That's good to know," Nick said, knowing that his relief showed in his voice. "There's always a lot of 'if onlys' when we lose somebody we love, Greg. But you've got to learn to put those thoughts aside, because they're not going to happen. You've got to live in the present, not the past."

"And I've got to live in reality, not fantasy." Greg sighed, then nodded. "I know that, Nick. It's just so hard to believe that he's gone. Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and swear that I can feel him beside me. That feeling is probably going to be with me for a long time."

Nick nodded slowly, sighing and looking away from Greg. "I know it's probably too soon for us to go back to being as close as we were," he said, almost feeling reluctant to say the words. "I just hope that you'll be able to wake up next to me one day and be glad that I'm the one who's there."

"I'm glad you're here now, Nicky." Greg's voice was still soft and husky, but the timbre had changed now. Nick looked up, his eyes meeting Greg's. What he read there made his heart seem to leap in his chest; Greg was holding nothing back, his emotions showing in those remarkable dark eyes.

"I still love you," Greg whispered, his voice breaking. "I always have, even when I was with Jonah. But we can't go back to being what we were, Nicky. We've got to start over with our relationship. And I don't want us to be what we were. I want us to be something better."

"I've never stopped loving you, Greg," Nick whispered, unable to speak any louder. "I'll admit, I've wanted you to come back to me ever since we broke up. But I agree with you -- we can't go back to being just like we were. I want us to be better, too. I want our relationship to be stronger."

"I know you're working on that," Greg said softly, nodding. "And I appreciate that, Nicky. But I-I'm just not ready for us to get physical yet. I think I've still got some more grieving to work through. But it'll happen. I know it will. Just give me some time, okay?"

"I'll give you anything you want, baby," Nick murmured, leaning forward and brushing a gentle kiss across the other man's lips. "Anything you need, just ask, and if I can do it for you, I will. All you've got to do is ask. I'm here for you, Greg. In any way that I can be."

Even as he spoke, he wished that things could be different. If only he'd been smarter to start with and hadn't put his job ahead of Greg, then none of this would have happened, and they would still be as they had in the past. But he couldn't look back on those regrets. He, too, had to move forward.

He was determined to move forward with Greg. They were too much a part of each other's lives, of each other's hearts and souls, to let go of what they had. And Greg was right, Nick told himself firmly. They could be something better in the future, if they worked at it.

There was no use in focusing on the past, on all of the "if onlys" that could be imagined. The past was over and done with, and they both had to concentrate on the future. Their future, Nick thought with an inward smile. The future they would create together.

He reached out to take Greg's hand in his, twining their fingers together and squeezing gently before slowly letting go and reaching for his food again. He was going to take this slowly, not push Greg for what he wasn't ready to give yet. They didn't have to rush.

Greg seemed as though he was concentrating on his food for a few moments, before he looked up again with a soft smile. "I'm not going to think about how things could have been if only Jonah was still alive," he said softly. "That's part of my past. I'm looking forward to a future with you."

Nick could feel tears gathering behind his eyes; he had to blink them away quickly, before Greg could notice them. "So am I, baby. So am I," he murmured, his voice husky with emotion. "That future is going to be a great one. Whatever we make of it, as long as we're together, then I'm happy."

There would be no "if onlys" in their relationship this time, he told himself. This time, they would make it work, and they would be stronger than they had been before. They were already getting there. It would just take a little time -- and he was going to enjoy every moment of the ride.

***

Next story in series - Drowning Sorrows.