Title: Make A Fresh Start
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen, Ryan Wolfe
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5_prompts, Written in the Stars challenge
Prompt: J10, Criticism and rejection are not the same thing
Author's Note: This fic is intended as a prequel to the Greg/Ryan series.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Ryan Wolfe or any of the other characters from CSI: Miami, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Ryan closed his eyes as he tried to relax into the cushions of his living room couch, wishing that he could feel better about the few days that had just passed. It seemed that he'd been doing nothing right -- as least, not in the eyes of any of his colleagues.

Why was it that he could never seem to do anything to please the people he worked with? He'd been working with them for years now, and he'd been through so much that they hadn't acknowledged. They never acted as though he was really a member of their team.

They still had their heads shoved up Speedle's ass, he thought resentfully. As much as he didn't want to speak ill of the dead, he was sick of feeling as though he was always in the shadow of someone who had been dead for years -- and who apparently hadn't been that great at his job.

It was irritating that after all this time with the team, after all he'd tried to do for them -- even putting his life on the line, in some cases -- and as loyal as he'd tried to be, not just to Horatio but to everyone, they still seemed to think that he wasn't one of them.

For some reason, he was the one who always got all the criticism on the team -- even when the others made mistakes, Horatio overlooked them or brushed them off as though they didn't matter. But whenever he made a mistake, he was crucified for it.

Ryan swallowed hard, knowing that he was dangerously close to descending into a morass of self-pity and wanting to avoid that condition. He didn't want to feel sorry for himself. He just wanted to know why, after all this time, he still didn't feel accepted.

He shouldn't feel like this, not after nearly seven years as a member of the CSI team. He shouldn't still feel that he was always on the outside looking in, always the one who was going to be blamed for someone else's mistakes and held responsible for things he hadn't done.

He would always be in Speedle's shadow, it seemed. Just because Eric and Calleigh still looked at him as being a replacement for someone they'd worked with for a long time, they would always do their best to undermine him and make him feel unneeded and unwanted.

He really shouldn't have to put up with that, Ryan told himself, clenching his jaw. They should have gotten over their childish antipathy towards him long ago, but they apparently never would. Their attitude simply pointed out the fact that they were nothing more than spoiled children.

Eric and Calleigh conveniently ignored their own mistakes -- which were legion -- to point out his. They never missed an opportunity to put him in a bad light, or to cast the first light of suspicion on him if anything happened to go wrong in the lab. They were always against him.

How many times had he tried to tell himself that criticism didn't mean rejection, and that he should learn from their attitude, rather than let himself be depressed by it? Too many to count, Ryan told himself wryly, sighing again. So many times that he was tired of saying it.

There didn't seem to be anything he could do to change the childishly ridiculous attitude that both Eric and Calleigh would always have towards him. At least Walter didn't seem to agree with them, thank goodness. That was one person he could count on to always have his back.

As much as he hated to admit the fact, even to himself, Ryan wasn't even sure that he could completely trust Horatio any more. He'd been gratified at first that Horatio had seemed to place such faith in him, but lately, it seemed that faith was gone.

Horatio hadn't even cared enough about what had happened to him when the Russian mob had kidnapped and tortured him to ask if he was all right. All that he had cared about was what had gone wrong in the lab, and the mistakes that Ryan had admittedly made there.

If anyone else had been trying to save a child's life, Horatio would have supported them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Ryan thought, ire rising within him. He would let Eric and Calleigh get away with anything -- but if Ryan made a single small mistake, he was raked over the coals.

He was tired of the criticism. He was tired of the rejection by people who should be loyal to him, and who should have more trust in him. Yes, he had made mistakes -- but so had they. And theirs had been just as bad as his own -- not to mention that theirs happened more often.

Of course, the two of them always overlooked each other's mistakes because they thought with their genitals and not with their brains, Ryan thought with a snort. At least he had more integrity than to sleep with a colleague in order to have his own mistakes pushed under the carpet.

Maybe it was time for him to think about leaving this team, and transferring somewhere else, Ryan thought, the idea starting to take shape in his mind. If he did, then his mistakes would follow him via his personal record -- but he could make a fresh start.

Yes, he might be looked at as being hotheaded, but he wouldn't have to fight the specter of a dead man that no one on his current team wanted to let go of. He was tired of always being compared to someone who had been dead for years now.

He shouldn't have to put up with that, not from people who were supposed to trust him. Yes, there had been times when they had his back -- but there had been many more times when they hadn't shown him the trust that he deserved, only criticism and hypocrisy.

All right, so criticism didn't mean rejection, he told himself firmly. But the two tended to go hand in hand -- and it had been made fairly obvious that he was never going to be completely accepted on this team. Every little mistake he made would always be held against him.

Yes, it was time for him to think about transferring. He would talk to Horatio about the possibility soon -- and he was sure that he would feel better once it had happened. There might be some pangs about leaving Miami, but maybe it would be the best thing for him to do.

How long would it take for a transfer to come in -- and where would he most like to work? He knew that the crime labs in New York and Las Vegas were considered the best in the country; he'd like to go to either one, though he'd prefer Las Vegas if he had a choice.

There was no time like the present to put in for a transfer, Ryan told himself, sitting up and taking a deep breath. This would never get done unless he put it into motion -- and it was past time that he shook off all of the criticism that had been holding him back and did something proactive.

His mind was made up. He was going to ask for a transfer -- and he was fairly sure that he would get one. After all, he and Horatio hadn't been nearly as close as he'd thought they were as of late, and it was obvious that none of his other colleagues would ever warm up to him.

So it was time for him to take his future into his own hands, just as he'd done when he had transferred from the police force to the CSI team. Ryan got up from the couch, going to his computer and turning it on. He would look into a transfer -- and now was the perfect time to start.

***

Next story in series - Head On.