Title: Recriminations
Author: EbIv
Author's e-mail: ebonyivory013@aol.com
Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not making any profit from this. I'm just speculating on what could be.
Pairing: Warrick/Grissom
Archive: Taking Chances and Michael's page
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Random Acts of Violence
Series: Sequel to Double Blind
Category: Episode related/Established Relationship/Emotional Angst
Summary: Warrick reflects on the cutting power of words.

I blew it. Totally. See, we'd been arguing a lot over the last couple of days and both of us were on edge because of it. I know, I know. Being edgy isn't an excuse for what I said. But it did contribute to an already bad situation.

Gil of course maintained his professionalism at the lab. If he was a bit stiffer than usual, no one would risk saying anything about it. At least to him.

No, I'm the one who screwed that up. I did the one thing we had both promised we would never ever do. I let the personal carry over to the professional. In front of the whole damned lab, no less.

God, the look on his face when I yelled at him. Actually, his expression didn't change, but I saw his eyes. It's always been the eyes that give him away to anyone who really knows him.

I called him a robot. Jesus. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is that Gil Grissom feels things very deeply. So deep that he's afraid those emotions will swamp him if he lets them out.

I know this, because I'm his lover. The one person in the world he trusts enough to be open and vulnerable with. And I threw it back in his face.

Grams always tried to teach me ways to deal with my temper. If not for her I'd be in jail now, or worse. I get pissed off and hold it in until something unrelated sets me off.

That's what happened today and it may have destroyed the best relationship I've ever had. Since Gil keeps such a tight leash on his emotions sometimes even I forget how easily he gets hurt.

Damn, who am I kidding? Even coming from a friend, those words were lethal. I knew it when I shouted them. I owe him an apology. A big one. I just don't know where the hell to start.

He left the lab early. Unusual for him. But these weren't usual circumstances. He's not accustomed to being in a long-term relationship, not to mention one with a co-worker. A subordinate one at that. Huh. Make that insubordinate.

Shit.

Catherine said he looked like he had one of his headaches. I did that to him. The thought makes me sick with regret. I once helped nurse him through one of the bad attacks. They're not fun from a bystander's point of view so I don't even want to imagine what it's like for him.

It took all I had to finish my own shift. Everywhere I turned I got the cold shoulder, even from folks who normally fear Grissom. Guess I can understand that. It's just not cool to go off on the boss and even more uncool to lose it in front of the rest of his staff.

Catherine just about tore me a new one when she found out what happened. Yeah, she knows about us. How could she not? She and Grissom are old friends. She looks out for him almost as fiercely as she protects her own daughter. And even though she and I are friends I know he comes first on her radar. Up until now that's been okay. After tonight...well, I guess we'll just take it a day at a time.

Feels like I've been driving for hours, and yet it's only twenty minutes. As I pull into the parking lot of his condo I look for his truck. Spotting it in the usual space, I let out a relieved sigh. I wasn't sure what I would have done if he hadn't been here.

See, we don't actually live together. It's more like we share each other's space. I have stuff at his place and he has stuff at mine. Sometimes it gets confusing, but most of the time it works. And it beats having to get up and rush home to shower and change before shift.

So even though I had my own key to his place, I wouldn't feel right letting myself in if he wasn't around. Damn. Come to think of it, I don't feel right even though I know he's home, given how I treated him.

Pulling into one of the guest parking spaces, I shut off the engine and sit for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. After several long minutes I realize this is stupid. Thinking isn't going to get me face to face with Gil. And I'm not going to know what to say until I can see for myself just how bad the damage is.

I can't let myself think for even a second that he won't let me in.

The end

(Concluded in Ramifications)