Title: Send in the Clowns...
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 21214
Pairing: Gil/Nick and Nick/OMCs
Characters: Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes and the usual crew...
Warnings: AU and OOC
Spoilers: For S.13...but non-specific apart from Sam!
Disclaimer: Not mine; not now, not ever. With apologies to Stephen Sondheim whose song I pinched for the title!
Unbeta-ed: All mistakes will be mine.
A/N 1: This time I'm quite happy with my ending...but that's because the story continues in the sequel! Whilst this wasn't entirely from Nick's POV and the next one won't be entirely from Gil's POV but it will concentrate more on him and his actions and reactions...
A/N 2: On Easter Saturday the *urge* returned and I've been tapping the keys steadily since then. In fact I had finished it but was then dissatisfied with the end (as per usual) so continued and would you Adam and Eve it...that's Cockney rhyming slang for 'believe it'...I now have an idea for a sequel! It could be a continuation of this fic but I fancy it will be a sequel. Here goes...a v.short first chappie to set the scene see what your reception is like...

***

Nick was walking along the track.  They'd said that he'd reach the camp in about forty-five minutes.  He'd been walking increasingly slowly for forty minutes and with every step he took he felt more and more foolish for undertaking this ridiculous...this ridiculous mission...



He could see a plume of smoke over to the right of him and guessed that that was the camp.  The archaeological dig that comprised volunteers from all over the world led by a team of experts; and in that team of experts providing his renowned forensics skills?  Gil Grissom.



Back in Las Vegas when Nick had made enquiries about the dig it had seemed such a good idea.  Brilliant even.  Sara had announced their separation and that meant that Gil was available again.  Or so Nick had thought.



He was so blindsided at the thought of a second (or third or fourth of fifth... ) chance with Gil, the love of his life, that it was only on the two hour bus ride...only then...from Concepcion

to the top of the track he was now walking along that he'd thought of the possibility that Gil had separated from Sara because he'd met someone else... 



He stopped.  Took off his back pack and found his bottled water and drank about half of it straight down.  The weather wasn't hot...this was the southern hemisphere and it was their autumn going into winter but it was dry and pleasant.  



Nick watched the steady plume of smoke about five hundred yards away, he reckoned, and then looked back along the track.  He could go back and catch the next bus back to Concepcion.  The trouble with that was that he had no idea when that bus was due, if at all today or even tomorrow and there was nothing...absolutely nothing and no one that he'd seen since he started his trek.  



He sighed and looked at the dusty ground.  He'd come this far so he decided he might as well go to the camp and see the lie of the land.  See how Gil Grissom greeted his arrival.



He hoisted his back pack onto his shoulder for the short walk and then started that walk towards the camp.  He started at a faster pace...he might as well get it over and done with.  He could be walking back sooner rather than later.



He didn't realise how prophetic that thought was...

***

About ten minutes later he was in the camp and it seemed deserted.  He looked around; the fire was burning well and had been recently stoked and a meat of some kind was cooking in a pot suspended over it.  Other pots, filled with vegetables, were ready to go he saw as he peered into them.  He heard a noise behind him and turned to see a young man walking towards him. 



"Hello there.  You must be Nick?  I am Gustaf."  Nick grinned and they shook hands.



"Nick Stokes."



"I will show you where you will sleep.  We share tents...six to a tent.  There are about twenty of us usually...people like your volunteering as interns for a few weeks and our main team of eight.  We have to take it in turns to cook and clean.  The interns not the team...we are their slaves."  He laughed quite happily for a slave.  "Not much cleaning and we eat virtually the same thing every day...meat and vegetables.  Unless Carlos is cooking and then we have a feast...he used to be a chef.  Latrines."  He pointed to some small tents about twenty yards away.   "They have to be cleaned.  It's disgusting."  He shrugged.



"You are allowed one shower each week."  At Nick's look of horror, he laughed.  "But we all wash every day.  Well, most of us.  There are a couple who..."  He shrugged again, grimaced and held his nose.   Nick nodded his understanding and hoped that they wouldn't be in his tent.



"What's you specialty?"



"I'm in forensics..."



"...oh-oh you will get on with Dr Grissom he is a forensics man..."



"...yeah, I know."  Nick stopped short at saying he knew him.



"Of course you do.  I think it would be impossible to be in forensics and not know of Dr Grissom."  He grinned.



"What about you?"  Nick enquired.



"I'm doing a PhD in archaeology and get to spend four months here, I'm half way through.  I am from Sweden."



Nick had guessed Swedish.  "You speak with an American accent; have you spent time in the US?"



"I have but only for vacations...television.  All Swedish TV is American import...well not all but a lot.  So cartoons as a kid and comedies as a teenager.  For many years I loved Jennifer Aniston...Rachel.  Now I love The Big Bang Theory."  He laughed.  "I have withdrawal symptoms...we can use our computers here but we have to ration time because of the generators we use for electricity output.  You will be allowed thirty minutes of non-work electricity a day.  Recharge your mobile or your computer so you have to use only for essential stuff."



"Got it."  Nick was thankful he'd fully charged both in his hotel room before leaving that morning.  Not that he would use either device that much.  And he'd had a good shower before he left but after his bus journey and walk a shower would have been great. 



They'd been standing outside a tent while they talked.  It was a large tent and Gustaf unzipped the entrance and pulled back the flap.



"You home from home for the next four weeks."  He gestured to Nick to go inside.



Six camp beds were laid out in a row. Three of the beds were taken and three were empty.



"Another guy is coming in a week. So you have a choice.  It gets very cold at night so you should not take a bed by the side.  Take the next one along.  Nick did that and dumped his back pack on it.  There was small locker with a key at the side of the bed and that was that.  He would have to keep his clothes in his back pack but he hadn't bought that much and a thought struck him.



"If I can only have one shower a week what about washing clothes?"



"Most of us use the water we're allowed for our daily wash to just wash our underpants and tee shirts...sometimes socks.  That's about all you can do."



"Okay, good."  Nick thought that was reasonable.  He'd bought three pair of underpants so he could wear one, wash one and dry one...that was his immediate solution to the problem.    He wasn't so concerned about his tee shirts or socks. They were all in the same boat and if a couple of them did stink more than the rest they'd hide the smells of everyone else.



"Get your things ready.  I see you've got a good sleeping bag but we do have a supply of blankets if you get cold.  It gets dark about five so the workers will start rolling in just before and we eat at six.  At the table outside.  Nick had seen the long refectory table and benches.  We are still eating outside but we will probably put up the big tent soon and eat indoors...well in another tent."  He laughed again and it seemed to Nick that humour probably got them all through the primitive conditions.  Well...primitive for Nick at least.



"

Most of us spend the evening talking around the fire.  Some have personal time.  So, if you would like to have a walk up to the workings and meet your fellow diggers then feel free."



"Thanks I will."  Gustaf smiled and left.  He zipped up the tent behind him.  Nick looked around; it was dim with the flap closed.  He pulled his cell from his pocket and turned it off...save the battery.  He'd just check it once or twice a day to see if there were any urgent messages.  He never had any urgent messages but...  Sam had gone back to the K9 kennels for his vacation...he'd seemed quite happy to go but they may need to contact him...what he could do so far from home he didn't know...but it was the only urgent message he could think he might receive.  He hoped he wouldn't receive it...he was missing Sam.  He supposed there could be a family emergency but since he'd never had one in the past he thought it was unlikely he'd have one now...



He unpacked what he thought he should put in his locker.  His computer, kindle, flashlight and spare batteries and his wash bag and a towel.  That was it really; he left his clothes in the back pack since it was waterproof.  He pushed it under the camp bed and then unrolled his sleeping bag.  Pleased that he'd bought a high tog lightweight bag especially for this mission.



And then he thought of Gil again.  He must know that he was coming today since Gustaf knew.  Although Gil was not renowned for his knowledge of anything personnel related so maybe he didn't.  Nick decided he would go to the dig and see what it was all about and maybe find out what he was going to be doing.  Maybe see Dr Grissom.  Gustaf called him that...maybe he was known as Dr Grissom and not Gil or Gris or Grissom.  He'd have to find out.



He left his tent and decided to check out the latrine.  It was pretty gross but nothing that Nick couldn't deal with...he'd been grossed out by worse.  There was no water to wash his hands but a sanitizer so he rubbed that into his hands and looked at the path opposite to where he'd come in...there were only the two paths so he decided that that must be the way to the workings and to Gil.



He took a deep breath and started walking...

***

It was about five minutes before Nick saw the excavations.  It was a much larger area than he'd imagined.  A large village or, he supposed a small township that had thrived for many years and was then cut down.  The whys and wherefores of that demise were now being investigated and eventually a quite accurate history would be written based of the evidence unearthed, examined and hypothesised.   And he was going to be a part of it...okay only a very small part of it but he was excited and proud, even, that he was going to be involved.



Suddenly he saw Gil, he hadn't been consciously looking for him but his back was unmistakeable.  That ass...he grinned but then toned it down to a small smile; he didn't want to give the game away.  It was good to see him and for just a few moments know that he could study him without him knowing.  He turned even as Nick thought that thought, looked straight at him and spoke.



"I didn't think the chance was that high of there being two Nick Stokes with forensic knowledge."



"You never know."  Nick was still smiling.  Gil was not.  So Nick stopped smiling.  And that was it, Gil turned back to his work at a bench and another man came over to Nick.



"Hi, I'm Carlos..."



"...the chef."  Nick finished as they shook hands.  Carlos laughed heartily.



"My reputation precedes me.  Gustaf?"



"Yeah.  I'm already looking forward to your turn as cook."



"I hope I live up to my reputation."  Carlos then introduced him to the seven other men and five women.  They were a truly international team.  He and Gil were the only Americans.  There was one Canadian, one Australian and the rest were assorted Europeans. 



Carlos explained what Nick would be doing for the next few days at least.  They'd discovered, very recently, a large cache of artefacts and Nick would be required to catalogue, photograph, examine and make notes on each one.  They would have group discussions about what an item might be if it wasn't immediately obvious.   Nick understood his task and Carlos told him to watch today and then he would start his cataloguing the next morning.



Gil, apart from acknowledging Nick's arrival, hadn't spoken again and didn't even look at him.  Nick felt uncomfortable and had a very niggling worry at the back of his mind.  He wasn't wanted.  Gil didn't want him here.  Gil didn't want him.  Period.  This mission was going to be a fucking disaster. 



At a few minutes to five Carlos announced it was time to finish for the day to general whoops of joy.  Although Nick had thought they all seemed very committed to the work they were doing they were still happy to have finished for the day.  He'd enjoyed his first foray into a dig.  Enjoyed might have been stretching it...he was happy with the people he'd met who all seemed quite happy to talk about their work and explain carefully what they did...all in impeccable English.  He knew he would be able to do the work that he'd been assigned.



They packed up their work and walked back to camp and readily included Nick in their conversation.  No one mentioned that Gil knew him and he didn't say anything.  Gil was bringing up the rear of the column talking to a young man about a vase...apparently.



Nick wondered, as he saw the young man hanging onto every word Gil was saying, if this young man had replaced Sara.



It turned out the 'young man' was in the next camp bed to Nick.  He was Piotr, he said, and from the Czech Republic and he wished his English was better.  Nick assured him his English was excellent.



"You're kind.  Not so good.  I have to concentrate so hard when they talk about work...I get maybe seventy, eighty percent of the conversation.  I hope I never miss important words."  He laughed.  So did Nick because Piotr was hanging on Gil's every word so he could understand him, not share his bed.



So when did Nick become paranoid?  Maybe it was with Gil's overwhelming welcome.



They all freshened up after their day's work.  Two were able to have showers and you could hear one of them singing, very badly, as he washed away a week's worth of dust and dirt.



They gathered around the long refectory table and took their places, anywhere Nick was told, on the bench.  Gil was the last to arrive and sat on the opposite side of the table furthest away from Nick.  Nick tried not to look across at him and when he did catch sight of him he was not looking at Nick.  Luckily Nick was being kept occupied with conversation with his new found friends...Piotr and Gustaf.  Just as well someone was being friendly, if he'd been relying on Gil he'd be embarrassed by now.



When they'd tidied the table of the detritus from the meal some of the group went to their tents and a chess set materialised.  Gil was still deep in conversation with an older woman called Anna-Maria.  She was Paraguayan and leading the dig.  Maybe Gil was with her? Nick ordered himself to stop being so fucking paranoid...it was juvenile.



Nick chatted a little longer with his new found friends and then excused himself.  He needed to be fresh for his work tomorrow...they started at seven-thirty after breakfast, had sandwiches and soup for lunch and then the evening meal.  It was very regimented both Gustaf and Piotr agreed but they assured him it ran like clockwork.



Nick was the first one in his tent and set about getting ready.  He visited the latrines and then had a very quick wash in cold water and cleaned his teeth using a little bottled water.  He hadn't undressed but he'd do that at the last minute.  Someone had dropped a blanket on the end of his bed and he thought he may need it.  They'd eaten out of doors but several of them were talking about moving their dining table into a tent as Gustaf had predicted they would do very soon since the evening was quite cool and most had on thick jumpers or sweatshirts and some their coats.  They said the tent would become a proper common room.



He'd decided to sleep in his tee shirt, underpants and socks.  Apart from the socks it was his most usual sleeping gear.  He was just pulling his sweatshirt over his head when he heard the tent zip being opened and someone come into the tent.  One of his sleep buddies he guessed but at the final tug of the shirt he saw Gil scowling at him.

***

"What the fuck are you doing here, Nick?"  Gil was whispering but it sounded like a guttural growl.



"I thought..."



"...yeah, what did you think?  That I'd be easy pickings now I've split from Sara?"



"No..."  Nick was almost winded by Gil's onslaught, despite his whisper he was as angry as Nick could ever remember him being.



"...please."  Gil drawled out the word.  "Don't give me a load of bullshit.  What other fucking reason would you have to travel thousands of miles to do work in which you've never shown any interest...I wasn't born yesterday, Nick.  Do you really think I'm that gullible?  And do you really think you could come here and regain your position as resident fuck buddy until I dump you for another totally inappropriate woman?"



Nick just stood there and took it; he really had nothing to say, nothing at all because however Gil had packaged the reasoning for him being here in the middle of nowhere in Paraguay...he was right.  Dead right.



The silence stretched between them...it seemed like hours but was probably less than a minute.  Nick was transfixed by the venom of Gil's words and the look of him.  He was looking at Nick as if Nick disgusted him...and in that moment Nick disgusted himself.  What the fuck had he been thinking?



"I'll leave in the morning."  Nick was absolutely sure of that, if he'd known where he could go he would have gone right there and then but he wasn't idiotic enough to wonder around in the pitch black.



Gil huffed out a bitter laugh.  "You signed on and spent a lot of money on your misguided plan.  We need everyone we can get...so stay.  Just stay out of my way.  And I noticed you didn't deny why you came, Nick, you're transparent."  He turned and left just as another man came into the tent.  Jack from Australia.



"The Doc's been in a bad mood all day...weird...he's normally a regular guy."  Jack must have sensed the atmosphere.  "Do you know him?"



"Know him?  Yeah, I know him.  Jack, do you know if there's a bus back to Concepcion tomorrow?"



"Yeah...it's around four o'clock.  You're not leaving?"



"I'm sorry, man, Grissom has made it quite clear he doesn't want me here and I'm not staying where I'm not wanted."



"Okay."  Jack stretched the word out just as Gil had done with 'please'.  Nick looked at him and smiled.



"Sorry.  I made a very stupid mistake in coming here so it's best I leave straight away.  The bus is around four?"



"Anytime between three and eight...it not what you call regular.  I'm sorry you've got to leave but sometimes..."  Jack shrugged.



"Yeah...sometimes."



Nick took off his clothes, folded them and then got into bed.  Jack did the same and a few minutes later the two other men sharing the tent came in and they too settled down for the night.



Nick lay rigid in bed for what seemed a long time.  The other three men appeared to be asleep before Nick allowed the tears to come.  Humiliation.  He had never been so humiliated in his life.  It had all seemed like such a good idea.  After all, each time Sara had left Gil he'd come running back to him.  Nick had taken him back willingly each time.  And each and every time Gil had then dumped him and moved on...



He was some kind of masochist he was certain.  Perhaps he could do with some therapy with Lady Heather.  She knew all about humiliation.



Nick must have eventually fallen asleep and someone's alarm clock woke him up.  He realised that he was warm and cosy so the sleeping bag had worked and he hadn't needed the blanket.



The warm and cosy feeling lasted a matter of seconds before he remembered what had happened.



He'd have a wash, breakfast and then tell them he was leaving.  There was no reason to hang around except the bus wasn't going to be there until afternoon.  But he could walk up to the stop and read while he was waiting.  Hopefully they'd give his something to eat on his journey and some bottled water.



He got washed and dressed and then went out to breakfast.  Gil was sitting with Carlos and Anna-Maria.   Maybe it was his imagination but he thought Carlos and Anna-Maria looked at him.  Gil didn't; he kept his head down.



Breakfast was an omelette with peppers, tomatoes and mushrooms with bread and coffee.  It was good but Nick could hardly eat; he forced himself to do so since he didn't know when he would get another meal.



Jack sat by him and whispered to him.  "Changed your mind?"



"No.  Sorry."



"You don't have to be sorry to me.  Things must be bad for you to take off in less than a day."



Just then Anna-Maria got up from the table and walked over to him.  She smiled.



"Gil has said you will be a great asset to the team, that you're an excellent forensics man."



Nick was flabbergasted.  He took a moment or two to regroup but then smiled back at her.



"I've known Gil Grissom for many years and he taught me most, if not all, of what I know...unfortunately I cannot stay and will be leaving today.  It was a mistake to come and I realise that I cannot work for...with Dr Grissom."  He hadn't spoken loudly at all but a deathly silence descended around the table.



"Oh?  But he has just been saying how good you are..."



"...I appreciate that but nevertheless I'm leaving.  I'm very sorry..."



"...but you have paid a lot of money to come here, to be part of the project."



"Then I hope you can make some profit out of me."



She seemed at a loss and looked around the table and her eyes stopped at Gil.  He was sitting staring into the distance...not looking at anyone...but everyone else's eyes were on him too.  Nick hoped that maybe Grissom was feeling just a little humiliated...although he had to acknowledge to himself that it was unlikely.  The man was impervious to human emotions.  Except where Warrick was concerned.  Not even Sara's leaving him at the lab had come close to Gil's distress at Warrick's murder.  And not for the first time he wondered whether Gil and Warrick had...  Unlikely but you never know.



In the seconds he was thinking all this he got up from the table and walked back to his tent and he heard the voices start up again.  Nick had mostly packed before breakfast but he was just strapping his sleeping bag to the bottom of his back pack when Gil walked into the tent.


***

"What on earth are you playing at?  It's not some fucking game."  Gil's fury was in full flight.



But this time Nick was ready.  "It isn't?  Here's me thinking I was your regular plaything and you even confirmed that I was your fuck buddy.  You think I want to work with you...alongside you?  Knowing what you think of me?  Like the old days all over again when I couldn't do fuck right when I was the whipping boy for every mistake that ever happened..."



"You were responsible for those mistakes..."



"...I certainly was wasn't I?  I was off the clock when I didn't kill a prostitute.  I opened my mouth to an old school friend who shot his mouth off...  But I never gambled on the clock.  I never left a rookie alone to be murdered.  I never got someone beaten up because I was certain a guy had murdered a girl.  I've never bad mouthed you in the lab...or anywhere.  I never told a man his wife had been murdered when she hadn't.  I never disobeyed your orders and worked a case...and I've never been picked up for DUI. 



"You think I've been playing games for ten years?  Fucking my boss...or should that be my boss was fucking me over and I took it all.  Because I loved you.  The love of my life.  A fucked up life it's turned out to be."



He hadn't shouted or been sarcastic just said it as it was and for once Nick had floored Gil.  He could tell by the astounded look on his face and he turned away to finish his packing.  Gil didn't speak he just stood there.



Nick turned to him again.  "What's the matter?  Cat got your tongue?"



"I think...I think you must be paranoid..."



In an instant Nick was very angry.  "...the fuck I am.  You think I'm the one exaggerating?   Go take a long hard look in a mirror Gil and see if you can see the lies and the duplicity in your, oh, so innocent demeanour. You fucking hypocrite.   I bet you even strung Sara along...she's as much a victim of yours as I am in all of this.  And I thought she'd won; she'd got you.  We both fucking lost, man.  We both lost."  He finished with a sad and resigned tone.  And realised that for once in his life he was right about something.  Pity it took him so long to go figure...



Nick picked up his jacket and back pack and walked past Grissom.  Outside people were milling around.  If they heard, they heard.  Nick was way past caring.



Raoul was on kitchen duty and Nick went over to him and asked if he could have some sandwiches for his journey.  He had already packed a lunch for Nick and gave it to him.



Gustaf came over.  "You are leaving already?  We have only just got to know each other."  Nick was putting on his jacket.  "If you leave now you'll have eight or nine hours to wait for the bus...stay in camp or come do some work."



"I'm sorry to leave you.  I think it's better if I go straightaway.  I have my Kindle I can read a book."



"It will be boring.  Good to have met you."  They shook and hands and Nick nodded his agreement.  They all seemed like a good group of men and women.  All except Gil.



Just then Gil came out of the tent.  He came straight over to Nick.



"You're leaving right this minute?"  Nick nodded.  "But you'll wait all day for the bus if it even comes.  I can drive you to the village...about an hour.  There's a bodega there that serves coffee."



Nick had forgotten about the village he'd passed through on the bus journey here.  If the drive was an hour he could probably walk it in three or four hours.



"I can walk.  Thanks."  He added as an afterthought.



"Don't be..."



"...stupid?"  Nick supplied.  "Just reverting to my stereotype."



"I wasn't...  Gustaf, take the truck and drop Nick in Vinchina."



"Okay.  Good idea.  It is pretty safe but you never know."



"I'm sorry, Nick.  I am sorry."   Gil was apologising but Nick was past caring.  He looked away and smiled at Gustaf.



In an hour and a quarter he was in the large village of Vinchina.  He could get by in Spanish and found that there was a bus going to Concepcion at midday.  So just over three hours. He found a bar and had a beer and read his Kindle. 



Gustaf had been polite and hadn't asked one question about Nick's sudden departure and they'd swapped work stories instead.  But he did ask one pertinent question.



"Do you know Dr Grissom's wife?"



"Yes, I do."



"She does not come here anymore.  I have never met her but there is talk, gossip, about arguments...she was...allegedly, you understand, very miserable when she was here...there."



"Really?  I don't know anything about their marriage.  I was very surprised when I heard that they had married...we all were.  They're separated now."  Nick added; he didn't care and he could say so much more but wouldn't.



"Oh.  He's not the marrying type then?"



"I guess not."



And that was the end of the conversation.  Nick was sure Gustaf knew more or wanted to say more but propriety got the better of him and after all he still had to work with him.  Nick wasn't going to be bothered about Gil Grissom again.  It was over now...for good. No going back this time.



When he arrived in Concepcion Nick got a room at the hotel he stayed at before; he hadn't expected to be back so soon.  He ate and then slept and the next day he went to the airport to see if he could change his ticket to

Asunción

.  The hotel owner had been quite positive that he'd have no trouble and he didn't at all.  They cancelled the ticket he had for his original return and re-issued one for two days hence.  He could have a look around, relax and check out the town and decide what he was going to do.



Ecklie hadn't even grumbled when he'd asked for five weeks' vacation and DB had been very supportive.  Ecklie post gunshot was a calmer, kinder man...perhaps it was Morgan's influence too.  Nick remembered how they all used to laugh at Grissom for never taking any leave and he had accumulated three or four months of leave days.  And now years later Nick was just as sad; he'd managed to get up to eleven weeks but having a five week hiatus would reduce it to more manageable levels and perhaps, now that he had Sam, he would take vacations...maybe hire an RV and go traveling.  Yeah...maybe that's what he'd do...

***

Nick had to decide what to do.  Fly into Asuncion and see if he could work the same magic on his ticket and get it changed.  Stay in Asuncion for a few days for some sightseeing and a rest up.  He decided that's what he needed...a rest.  Then go somewhere else instead of Vegas.  He just didn't know where...unless he took in Dallas and visited the folks.



He dismissed that as crazy.  He wanted a rest not a frenzied round of visiting every relative in a hundred mile vicinity.  He knew he was mean and his Mom and Dad were not getting any younger but they didn't seem to realise since they both still worked.  No...Dallas was not an option.  But he thought he might fly back to the states and take a vacation nearer Vegas.  San Francisco.  That was the place.  He'd never been and there was a lot to do and a gay scene there that was legendary.



Nick had only very rarely put himself out on the scene.  Mostly because he'd been obsessing over Grissom for the better part of a decade.  He shook his head at the memory trying in vain to erase it...what a fool he'd been.  And Sara?  He'd been consumed with jealousy and yet she was in exactly the same boat as he was.  Dumped.  In the end Gil Grissom had not wanted either of them...so they'd both been summarily dismissed.



His plan went like clockwork.  One thing about Paraguay was that the travel officials really helped in any way they could...changing his tickets was no problem and he paid the difference for his San Francisco ticket in dollars which they seemed to appreciate.



Exactly seven days after the confrontation in Paraguay Nick was in a taxi heading into the city of San Francisco thinking ironically, that he'd actually left his heart in Paraguay somewhere near Concepcion.  He did counter that thought by convincing himself that this was the start of his recovery...his post Grissom recovery.



He'd booked a room over the internet at

The Radisson by Fisherman's Wharf.  It was a touristy place but what the hell...he was going to be a tourist for a week.  He'd return to Vegas and maybe go back to work early...or maybe not.  He could decorate his living room and kitchen since he'd been promising himself he'd do it for a couple of years.  Yeah...he had a plan.



He did the tourist route.  The Golden Gate Bridge.  The Golden Gate Park.  The Presidio.  Alcatraz.  Sausalito.  On his third night he plucked up the courage to get a cab to the gay area.  Castro.  He walked the streets looking at the bars and to his surprise had to fend off quite a few would be suitors.  He just wanted some fun...but he wasn't ready for a fuck.



In fact that had been one of his long standing problems.  He couldn't just go out and pick someone up and fuck.  He liked to get to know people...men...and get some development thing going on; he stopped and looked in a shop window at his reflection.  That had worked out really well.  Maybe he should just go for broke...



One thing was for sure when he got into a bar, Badlands, he had no shortage of offers and found himself necking with several guys who just came up and started the ball rolling.  At half past midnight in the morning he was being blown by a man of about thirty.  They had little rooms where you could go...you had to queue but it was a lot better than a bathroom stall sitting on a john...if it even had a lid.  He had done that but not for twenty years or more...  The guy had insisted on a condom and Nick reciprocated...again using a condom.  Supposed to be fruit flavoured but it tasted like...latex.



At two o'clock an older man wanted him and Nick found himself back in a room...the guy wanted anal but Nick was not going to do that so settled for another condom encased blow job.



He left after that...he was actually tired from his sightseeing.  But he did feel happy.  He'd broken a spell and he was pleased with himself.  He'd been careful as had his two partners...and he made another plan.  When he got back to Vegas he was going to throw himself into their scene...see if he could find himself a special friend...he laughed at the euphemism and the cab driver eyed him through the mirror.  Nick grinned back.  This had been a turning point and he hoped it would lead somewhere...and if it didn't he was sure to have some fun along the way.  That's what he'd been missing in his life...some fun and some action.



The night before he left San Francisco he went back to the club and got lucky another two times.  He was quite proud of himself.  He'd relaxed and let himself go and nothing had happened to him.  He'd had a good time...one of the guys even wanted a date the next night.  Nick would have gone the date but it was too late since Vegas...and Sam were calling.

***

Nick was very happy to see Sam and the feeling was mutual.  The kennel maid said that he'd been moping around...Nick really didn't need to hear that but he was really happy to be back a little less than three weeks after he left him rather than the nearly five weeks it should have been.



He immediately took Sam for a good long hike and then left him in the truck while he did some shopping...he had no fresh food in his house.  They went home and Nick made a salad and Sam stuck by his side.  Worn out from his hike, his eyes were drooping but he kept himself awake just to be with Nick.



"I guess you're going to have an early night...well that's you and me both, Sam.  Nice comfy bed...you can't beat your own bed now can you?"  Nick pottered around the house and felt a little edgy and he didn't know why.  Maybe because it had all been disastrous.  His mission had begun with such promise and now he was home and not on vacation any more...never with Gil again.  It was like he was alone...really alone for the first time in a long time.  There was nothing on the horizon for him.  Work was just work no longer providing him with the thrills it used to; he needed some stimulus of some kind.



He thought about Gil and Sara.  Even after their marriage he'd held out some hope for another chance to work things out with Gil and he'd really thought that this would be it...he'd been with Gil on and off for so many years...  It was like he'd now been divorced from Gil.  Not even separated with the divorce pending like it was with Sara.  No; it was over and he'd got to move on and do something.  San Francisco had been a start but he needed to keep it going.



Times were changing and he wasn't going to sit around with false hope any more.  He had a new mission.  Decorate his home and explore the gay scene...and not necessarily in that order.   He needed to see if he could find himself a new boyfriend.  Or actually that would be a boyfriend...period.  Gil had never been a boyfriend...he'd been exactly what he'd said he'd been in that fucking tent.  A fuck buddy...nothing more.  Nick had obviously been seriously deluded for years



So he was more than ready for a change.  He spent some time choosing paint for his walls and a new sofa and easy chairs and some scatter rugs.  Two new lamps and a brand new TV...he had savings so it seemed like the right time to spend some of his money since he'd always been a saver not a spender so it seemed that was going to change, too. 



"I reckon I could use your tail as a brush for the paint, Sam, what do you think?"  Sam yelped his agreement.  His tail would make a good brush and he demonstrated that by wagging it furiously as Nick gave his neck a good scratch.



"And you know what?  I ain't ever leaving you again...we're taking our vacations together.  Get ourselves a fancy RV...you know I just might buy one...what do you think?"



Sam yelped again...a vacation in an RV was right up his alley.  He could sit in the passenger seat and watch the journey unfold.



"Hey...you could sit in the passenger seat in your harness...watch the world go by."  It seemed to Nick that Sam was smiling.  "Man, I'm never leaving you again, okay, and that's a promise and I never break my promises."  He hoped Sam understood that he'd never put him in the kennels again.



Nick felt he really benefited from being at home.  He got plenty of exercise with Sam.  Redecorated and virtually refurnished his living room and painted his kitchen too...although he really didn't need any new appliances in there.



For good measure he painted his bathroom too and bought some new towels in bright primary colours...he felt better than he had for a long time.  Maybe Ecklie had got something about taking your vacation time because he felt rested and ready for work...more so than he had for a couple of years.  He still felt sad...or humiliated was perhaps a better word to describe his feelings...over Gil but he was spurred on to go to a gay bar he'd heard about.  It was a restrained affair after his experience in San Francisco but he drank with some guys.  Danced with some others and got a date.



A guy called...Guy!  They hit it off and as he came from Houston he was a fellow Texan.  They went for a meal at a Mexican place and Nick had a good time and there was no sex...just a chaste kiss and a hug which suited Nick.  He was, by nature, a slow burn kinda guy...so slow he'd been burning for Gil for years!



For their second date they went to the movies and once more just a kiss and a hug.  For their third date Guy invited Nick back to his place for a meal.  Big mistake...  Guy was a Dom and wanted Nick to be his Sub.  Nick was apologetic and left right after the meal.  It was as clear as day now why Guy had been so restrained on their dates...Nick had thought he was just like him...getting to know Nick before they took it to another level...  Unfortunately it was a level that Nick wanted nothing to do with and that was that.



He took a cab home and couldn't help but laugh to himself.  Trust him to find a Dom.  Gil had been domineering but not into the Dom, Sub scene.   He'd liked Guy...but it was no big deal for it to be over.  It was only his first experience.  There were plenty more fish in the sea...of that he was sure from what he'd seen at the one club he'd visited.  He'd broken the ice so he knew how to go about it all now...it was just easy and he was pissed at himself for waiting for so long to put himself out there.  But the deed was done and he was determined to continue.



Days later he met another man who asked for a date.  Brad.  Guy had been younger than him but Brad was older by seven years.  He said he'd been married but had divorced his wife after admitting his sexuality.  He seemed like a really nice guy and once more didn't want to have sex at the club but said he wanted to get to know Nick.  Nick was okay with that.  He had a few reservations after Guy but he could handle himself.



But he was due back at work and he could only date on his next night off with was going to be in six shifts time.  Although they did meet up and had a couple of coffees but he was too tired for much interaction since work was at its manic best.



He'd had a real warm welcome from everyone and after half an hour it was like he'd never been away.  On his first three shifts he worked doubles...so his savings would be replenished to some degree, he thought.  But with some good results and he was happy in work for the first time in years...or so it seemed. 



He dog sitter was good but he still felt he should take Sam for some good hikes but he was half dead.  As the Friday approached when he was off and meeting up with Brad for a meal at a Thai restaurant he drove home quite slowly since he was truly exhausted and didn't want to end up in some fender bender situation.



He parked his truck on his driveway and just glanced over to his front porch and had the shock of his life...

***

Sitting on his porch with his legs stretched out in front of him was Gil Grissom.



Nick jumped out of his truck but before he could speak Grissom called out.



"It's a good job you got here...I was just about to either piss my pants of piss in a bush in your front yard.  But I don't think curtain twitcher across the road would have been impressed...probably have called the cops.  I think you're going to have to give me a hand to get up...this concrete is hard...so it would probably have been piss in my pants.  Here..."  he held out his hand for Nick to help him up.



Nick had walked over to him as he spoke.  "What the fuck are you doing here?"



"I've come to say I'm sorry...but Nick, I really do need to use your bathroom...stat."  He flapped his hand around for Nick to take it."



Nick shook his head.  But he pulled him to his feet; it took some doing.



"Shit...I think my legs have set."



Nick didn't speak but opened his front door and went straight to his alarm to disable it.  Gil followed him in and dumped his duffel bag by the door and headed straight for Nick's downstairs bathroom.  He didn't close the door and Nick heard him sigh with relief as he urinated.  He pushed his front door closed and went to his kitchen where Sam had started to bark.



"Hey...we've got an unwelcome visitor and you know what...if you want to bite his ass go right ahead and do it...chew it up real good."



He filled his kettle and switched it on...automatically...although he didn't think he would offer Gil a drink of any kind.  And tonight he was going on his date with Brad and he needed a good sleep.  Sam would need a hike first; the dog walker came over at six thirty to feed him and take him for a walk, but she never let him off his lead although she did walk him for a couple of miles.



Just then Gil came into the kitchen.  "I could do with a drink of water...I need to replenish all the fluids I just lost.  So this is the dog I heard barking; a GSD?



"Sam.  GSD.  Ex- K9.  His handler was murdered."



"And you've taken him on?  Come on Sam..."  Gil crouched down and Sam, the treacherous animal...sensing a dog lover...went straight to him, wagging his tail as Gil gave him a good scratch and murmured to him that he was a very handsome boy.  Nick was disgusted at Sam's disloyalty.  He got a glass and opened the fridge to get Gil a glass of water from his filter jug.   He put the filled glass on the counter.



Gil stood and retrieved the glass and drank the whole glass down in one go.  "Could I have another one please?  I forgot to get a bottle at the airport and drank a whisky...or two on the plane.  Dehydration."



Nick gave him another glass of water.  "So why are you here?"



He sipped at the drink this time.  "To apologise."  His voice dropped and he did sound sincere.



"Not to visit with your Mom and arrange a divorce?"



"Oh.  Well of course I will visit...if she's in town...but do you know it hadn't crossed my mind about a lawyer.  Do you think I need one...I was just going to let Sara get on with it and sign whatever papers I got sent."



"It's up to you.  Sooo..."



"So I'm very sorry.  I have no idea what got into me...I really don't.   I have thought about it a great deal as you can imagine but I'm no wiser as to my real motive.  The one excuse I keep coming up with could be the reason but in reality...I have no idea."



"Why didn't you come sooner...I left a month ago?"



"I didn't think you'd be home...you were due to spend four weeks at the dig so I didn't know if you'd come straight home or not so I thought I'd better wait until I guessed you'd be back at work.  I didn't text or call because I didn't think you'd respond after the way I'd behaved. So here I am.  I can promise you that I am contrite."  He didn't actually sound it.



"Yeah, you sound it."



"I am, I promise.  I'm here...that should tell you something."



Nick snorted.   "You know what?  It tells me nothing...sweet fuck all, Gil.  You do exactly as you please all the time and I know you probably don't have an ulterior motive...because you're not given to considering anyone or anything else...only you."



Gil sighed.  "That's a damning indictment."



"It's true."



"If you think it is..."



"...I know it is.  So what was the excuse you came up with?"



"The excuse?  Well; that you'd heard about the situation with Sara and did visit to specifically rekindle our...relationship..."  Nick laughed out loud at the word and Gil pursed his lips.



"That was what you said to me...I'd come to be your fuck buddy..."



"What I said...was unforgiveable."



"Yeah, that's right.  It was unforgivable.   And you know what?  I'm not forgiving you."



"I came to offer an apology in person it would be unforgiveable of you not to accept it."



"You reckon?  Why?"



"Because I'm being sincere."



"You know what, Gil?  I really need to thank you because maybe, just maybe, you gave me a healthy dose of reality.  I've been hanging around waiting for something to happen with you and you were right I did think we could get together again...but your real warm welcome convinced me that I should move on."



"So you've moved on?"  Gil plainly didn't believe it.



"I have.  I have a date tonight with a new guy...the second guy that is...since I got back and I stopped over in San Francisco and had a couple or three...well let's say encounters while I was there..."  Gil did look shocked at that.



"...I hope you took adequate precautions."



"You think I'm stupid don't you?"



"No.  I've never thought you were stupid...that's your invention."



"Whatever.  I have to take Sam for a walk and get some sleep ready for tonight."



"Could I come?"



"On my date?"  Nick was staggered.



"Now that is a stupid assumption...on your walk with Sam."



"If you want.  What happened to Hank...has Sara got him?"  Although he definitely didn't see Hank at her house.



"I had to have him put to sleep...tumours.  About eighteen months ago."



"I'm sorry."



"So am I, he was a true friend...an uncomplicated and unconditional friend."



"They are.  Okay; I drive over to the foothills...takes me about twenty minutes and walk him for about an hour.  Can you manage that?"



"I'm not that old...any more than you're not that young nowadays."



"Thanks."



"You're welcome."



"I'm just going to change."



"Will these shoes be okay?"  Gil lifted his foot up to show Nick his footwear.



"Yeah."



Nick drove in silence and only Sam whimpered when he knew they were closing in on their destination.



"You're looking forward to the exercise then Sam?"  Gil smiled as Sam's whimpers increased as Nick eased the truck into a makeshift car lot. 



They got out and Sam ran off and Nick followed with Gil bringing up the rear.  Nick still hadn't spoken but Gil wouldn't be bothered about that, Nick knew he was quite happy with silences; he didn't see them as awkward or unsociable on the contrary in Grissom's insulated little world they were quite acceptable...or even to be encouraged.

***

They'd been walking for about ten minutes before Gil spoke.  "I miss Las Vegas."



"You do?  Will you ever come back to live here?"



"Of course I will...the desert suits me."



"How long are you going to be in Paraguay?"



"I have five months left on my contract.  I've enjoyed it...enjoying it; miss having a daily shower though but you get used to it."



"Yeah.  Will you sign on for more?"



"I don't know...it hasn't been offered and their money is finite.  Do you really think I should get a lawyer?"



"I don't know.  Don't know about do-it-yourself divorces...in fact I know nothing at all about divorces.  Will Sara get one?"



"I would think so.  She might end up owing me money.  She earns a lot more than me now.  She has more savings than me.  I sold my house and most of the money went into the house...our house where she lives.  So I don't know what'll happen."



"Jesus, Gil.  You need a lawyer.  If she gets one and you don't you are going to get screwed."  The moment he'd said it Nick wished he'd kept his mouth shut.  Gil getting screwed over by Sara and a lawyer would be poetic justice.



"You could be right.  You know of any good lawyer?"



"Me?  No.  How the hell should I know..."  Except then he had a thought.   "...actually my sister is a divorce lawyer...best in Dallas."



"It doesn't matter where the lawyer is does it?  I'll be in Paraguay anyway.  We got married in Costa Rica...I wonder if that will make any difference?"



"No idea."



"Is it your sister, Susan?"



"Yeah."



"Maybe you could negotiate a discount for a friend."



"If I had to negotiate for you it'd be for premium cost not a discount."



"Ouch."



They walked on in silence for a few minutes.



"If you give me her number then and I could speak to her...I could even go back to Paraguay via Dallas."  He said that to himself as an afterthought.



"So did you really just come to see me and apologise?"  As much as he didn't want to think it Nick was thinking that it was a first...if it was true.



Gil stopped walking and he watched Nick as he turned to look back at him.



"Yes, I did.  In the days after you left I was furious with myself.  You are my weakness, Nick, always have been."



"Your weakness?"



"My weakness.  I think you always will be."



Nick laughed.  "I believe that.  Not."



"Believe what you like but it's true.  Look at the evidence.  Who is it I turn to when everything falls apart for me?  Who always has me back?  Who did I travel all the way back to see?  Not Sara and not my mother."



"You needed to apologise."



"I didn't really though did I?  I could have just left it...left you to get on with your life.  But here I am turning up like a bad penny."



Nick didn't speak and turned around again and started walking away.



Gil started speaking again.  "I made some God awful choices, Nick.  Marrying Sara was just about the worst thing I've ever done.  I didn't want to marry her and yet I did.  Why?  No idea about that either.  I want you Nick...I've always wanted you but why I kept pushing you away, I don't know.  I just don't know."



"It's too little too late.  You made your choice and it was Sara not me."  Nick stopped and turned to face Gil again.  "Your behaviour at the dig really did come as a wake-up call to me.  I've been hanging around waiting for you for a decade, Gil.  Fucking ten years.  Hoping that you would see that we were right together.  But then when you said those things to me I realised that I had been delusional all that time.  You left me what...five or six times and each time I bounced back to you...I was stupid, you were right.  But I'm over you now."



"Are you familiar with the song Send in the Clowns?"



"What?  No."



"Sondheim wrote the song about a couple who were in love but were never on the same page at the same time.  It was farcical.  That's us.  But it's my fault...I take the blame."



"It is your fault.  You never said you loved me...not once."  There was a huge sadness in Nick's voice and his face mirrored it.  He thought he would cry and yet he knew he wouldn't.  He hoped he was never going to shed tears over Gil Grissom again.



"I know.  I don't know why I didn't."



Nick laughed a bitter laugh.  "I do."



"You do?  Care to enlighten me"



"Yeah, I do and I will.  Because you were annoyed at yourself for loving someone who was your inferior.  Not an intellectual; someone who made mistakes...was human.  Wasn't Sara or Warrick or even Greg.  Not on the same level..."



"...that is bullshit.  Complete bullshit."



"Will you answer me one question, truthfully?"



"I always answer truthfully."



"Did you ever fuck Warrick?"



"No!  I did not.  There was only ever you, Nick. Only you."



"Not forgetting your wife."



"I have no excuse for that...none whatsoever.  But what you said about you being inferior...that's way off the mark.  You were the best CSI...easily the best of the lot.  It wasn't that at all..."



"...so do you know why?"



Gil shook his head and then stared at the ground.  Sam chose that moment to come bounding back wondering where Nick was and why he wasn't walking around.



"Hey Sam, you okay?  Here..."  Nick gave him a treat from his pocket and Sam ate it and went off again in search of something or nothing.  Nick looked at Gil again. 



"I know people think I'm contained and know what I'm doing...you, more than anyone should know that in truth I have no idea...my life is as badly organised as my paperwork used to be...still is."  He smiled.  "I'll tell you about Sara..."



"...you don't have to..."   Although Nick was curious as to how it all happened.

***

"You know that I proposed to her while I was at lab, but if I had looked at myself closely and questioned my motives I would have known that I didn't love her.  I liked her...her quirkiness...I think I felt an overriding need to care for her...her sad life..."  He started walking again and the two of them slowly ambled along with Sam darting here and there and occasionally returning for a treat.



"But then she left me...and I came waltzing back to you.  We had good times didn't we?"



Nick huffed.  They had but it hadn't stopped him leaving again.



"And then Warrick.  You know that that floored me more so than anything in my life.  I think it was because he died in my arms.  I was more used to death after the fact...not during...and certainly not knowing the victim."



"Sara came back and interfered...at the time I didn't think she had the right to do that but she left again and wanted me to go with her, but I couldn't leave you.  You needed me more..."



"...yeah, but you were sleeping with her..."



"...I was not...well I slept with her, literally, but we never made love.  But then I became increasingly detached from the work for the very reason that I was more involved with the people.  It got to the stage where I was worried about missing evidence.  I couldn't let myself become a has-been...poor old Grissom, lost the plot.



"So I went to Costa Rica to the project on which Sara was working since she'd said there were vacancies for a forensics guy..."



"...then you married her."



"Yes!"  Gil exclaimed.  "But I tell you to this day, Nicholas Stokes, I have no idea how I let myself get in the situation.  I think maybe I was very happy...euphoric even... was happy because of the changes I'd made, leaving the lab and the new work but I think I mistook Sara as being part of that equation.  I'd only been there three weeks and we were married.  Maybe I saw a wife and a couple of kids..."



"...kids?  With Sara?"   Nick laughed and shook his head.



"I know.  Not that I really wanted children and I know Sara didn't...well I know now."



"So that's it you just fell out of the lab into marriage."



"Ridiculous.  But isn't it said that the truth is often stranger than fiction."  Nick looked at him and his eyebrows climbed half way up his forehead.  "It is the truth."  Gil insisted.



"And then that project finished and while we were waiting for funding I went to Paris to teach.  I though Sara would love it...the culture, the sights.  Not a bit of it...she's a scientist through and through, hasn't got an artistic bone in her body.  That's when she came back to the lab...temporarily.  When I got the funding she was supposed to join me...but she didn't, as you know...and her visits became less frequent.  At the last visit I gave her an ultimatum..."  At Nick's surprised look, Gil chuckled. "...not like me at all, I'll give you that.  But the marriage became pointless.  And as you know she chose Las Vegas."



"I was surprised when I found out.  It not like you to do something speedy...you like to procrastinate...for years if necessary."



"I was pissed, Nick.  At my own stupidity and then you turned up...and I was even more pissed because I'd given you up for her and I didn't deserve you so I..."



"...threw me in the trash."



"I'm so sorry.  How can I convince you that I'm sorry and that I love you...it's taken me a long time, I admit, to realise but it was always you.  Always."



"It's too late Gil, I've moved on."



"Really?  One last chance?"



"How many, exactly, last chances have I given you?"



"Too many; but can't you make it one more...a real last one?"



"I don't think I can...not this time.  You humiliated me and now...well I've moved on."



Nick was very surprised with himself.  He was calm, not in the least upset or likely to cry.  He was just matter of fact.  Gil, on the other hand did look mortified.  While Nick didn't think he was going to weep he did had glassy eyes.  And Nick thought a very cheerful thought.  Serves the motherfucker right...



Gil's shoulders sagged.  "It's nothing more than I deserve."  He took a deep breath and continued.  "I need to charge my cell battery when I get back to your house and I'll text Mom.  I can stay with her...if she's not there I can go to an hotel..."



"...you can stay; I'm not throwing you out.  You can use my spare room for as long...it's not like we'll see much of each other is it?"  Although even as he said it Nick thought it really wasn't such a good idea.



Gil smiled.  "If you're sure, it would help.  I need to find a lawyer."



"I can call Susan."



"And say you ex-lover needs a divorce from his wife?"



"Why not?  It's the truth."



"I wish I was straightforward like you...you know what you want..." 



Nick laughed.  "...you're joking me?  I have no fucking idea what I want and what I'm doing.  If I was anything like straightforward I would never have had you back the first time after you walked out...and certainly not the second...and third...get my drift?"



"You wanted me.  I've thrown it all away?"  It was a question as Gil held Nick's eyes.



And Nick couldn't just say 'yes you have'...because at the back of his mind that little voice was saying maybe this time he's changed and will stick around.

***

Next part of Send in the Clowns....