Previous part of Send in the Clowns....
***
"You've hesitated. That gives me hope, Nick." And Gil grinned a real ear splitting grin that he didn't employ very often.
Nick shrugged...he wasn't taken in with it for one moment. "I have a date tonight, we should be getting back. Sam?" He called and Sam came running back to him and then to Gil in the hope that maybe he had some treats in his pocket too.
"I like Sam...he's a great dog."
"Yeah, he is. He was shot."
"Jesus! What happened?"
Nick explained about Sam's dog handler having been murdered and how in the end Sam had found the culprit.
"You need to keep an eye on his wound...it could become arthritic."
"Yeah, I already give him a supplement. He's bilingual too...speaks French."
"I heard about that...dog handlers giving orders in another language. But he understands you."
"I just retrained him using the French words followed by the English version and then gradually dropping the French and he got it straight away...he's bright dog."
"Yes he is...a great companion."
The remainder of their journey was quiet but Nick had a great deal to think about.
He thought he was over Gil. But he wasn't...the thought of them getting back together filled him with a longing that he thought he'd left behind in Paraguay.
When they got back to Nick's house Gil started charging his cell phone and then took his duffel bag to the spare bedroom. The single bed was all made up and towels were set on the end of the bed...Nick was a good host.
Nick called Susan in Dallas on her cell.
"Hi there Susie...I didn't think you'd answer I thought it would be voicemail." He listened to her and laughed.
"I have a big favour..." And he thought he would tell her the truth. "...an ex-boyfriend of mine got married...to a woman...yeah, big mistake...yeah, would you?" She'd offered to deal with the divorce.
"That's great. There are some complications though...they got married in Costa Rica...no she's American...and he's living in Paraguay at the moment." He laughed. "You got that right!" Susan had said that he shouldn't have dumped her little bro...
"He's here...he can give you the details." Gil had arrived in the kitchen to check his cell where Nick was sitting at his kitchen table. "See you. Love you...yeah." He grinned into the phone and then handed it to Gil.
"I'm off to bed."
"Nick...one last favour? Could I use your truck? I can go see Mom...she's home."
"Sure. Keys are in the usual place." And off Nick went to bed leaving Gil talking to Susan.
Nick was tired and had a quick shower and cleaned his teeth and then got into bed...Sam curled up beside him. Despite his tiredness he lay there thinking about Gil.
It would be so very easy to say, yeah, come on let's try again. But that was it...it was again and again and again and it would probably all end in tears yet again... That would be Nick's own tears but then Nick thought that today was the closest he'd seen Gil to shedding tears since Warrick's death.
But he couldn't think about it he must try to move on and tonight he would be meeting Brad for a meal at the Thai place...he'd actually been there before with Gil. Tiredness got the better of him and he fell into a deep sleep. It was a good sleep and he only woke when his alarm sounded at six-thirty.
He stretched and remembered Gil. He wondered if he was back...he was going to use a taxi to get to the restaurant so that he could have a few drinks. He reckoned he deserved them...
Just then he heard Gil shout out.
"I heard your alarm...do you want a drink...coffee?"
Nick propped himself up and shouted. "Yes. Please. Come on Sam...let's let you out so you can pee up every tree in the yard. I'll take you a quick walk...but Gil will keep you company while I'm out."
He had a piss himself and then threw on his old jeans and a tee and ran down downstairs to the kitchen.
"Coffee's brewing." Gil was leaning on the kitchen counter. "Why are you dressed?" He asked as Nick opened the door for Sam.
"I have to take Sam a walk...I have responsibilities."
"I can take him...you get yourself ready."
"Are you sure?"
"I would love to...really."
"Okay, thanks."
"Susan was fantastic. She said if she can get Sara to pay for my fees she'll charge me premium rates...if she can't she'll just charge her expenses...although..."
"Although?"
"She said she should charge me double for dumping her little brother."
"Yeah, she's right." Nick smiled.
"I went to see Mom...thanks for the truck. I hadn't booked a return ticket...but I'm going back next week via Dallas so I can see Susan. She thinks I should have all the money I put into the house back since I've hardly ever lived there...maybe three weeks in total. She reckons she might be able to cut a deal because we've spent so little time together. She's going to say we should leave the marriage with exactly what we came into it with...which is very fair. Whether Sara will see it that way..."
"...is she vindictive?" Then Nick immediately answered his own question. "Only to the partners of abuse victims...it may work...Susan is mighty persuasive."
"I hope so; so thank you for recommending Susan."
"You're welcome."
"And tonight I'm having take-out, a pizza with everything...can't wait; I'm salivating thinking about it. The meals are a bit mundane...except..."
"...when Carlos cooks."
"Exactly. I wish you'd stayed." He looked wistfully at Nick.
"After what you..."
"...I know, I know. I'm sorry."
They stood in silence for a few moments.
"Where do I take Sam?"
"Calico Park. Two blocks down if you turn right out of my driveway."
"Got it. How long?"
"Sam'll stay out for hours if you let him...about an hour give or take?"
"You could have had another hour in bed if..."
"...I was going to take him for about twenty minutes."
"Okay. I'll get my pizza and then take him...there might be a scrap of pepperoni for him."
"He'll be your bbf."
"I'd like that."
Sam chose that moment to come back into the kitchen and went straight to a cupboard and sat by it and then looked at Nick as if he might burst into tears if the cupboard wasn't opened immediately.
"His treats."
"We all deserve a few treats in this life don't we, Sam?" Gil opened the cupboard and gave Sam a dog biscuit.
Nick thought that was apt...he certainly needed a few treats himself after the way Gil had treated him over the years...
As he had extra time Nick went to town getting ready. A long hot shower...he masturbated to take the edge off...a shave with a new blade and just a splash of cologne; he didn't like to drench himself and overpower everyone in his vicinity...so subtle was the aim of his game.
He wore a pair of black pants and black loafers...both were his Sunday best...and a pale blue cotton button down shirt. He looked in the mirror on the inside of his wardrobe door. He looked good...even though he thought so himself.
***
Nick used his cell to call for a taxi and then went downstairs; Gil was watching TV with Sam and they both looked up as Nick came into the room. Gil whistled and Sam looked disgusted...Nick was going out and leaving him. He knew it...
"You look good...good enough to eat."
"You're not on this diet anymore."
"No. No, I'm not. But it's good to see you clean shaven...what's with the stubble?"
"Nothing...just can't be bothered to shave every day."
"I can empathise with that."
Nick retrieved a spare set of keys from a drawer in his kitchen and threw them on the coffee table. "Keys for the house and truck if you need to use it again."
"Thanks, but I don't think I'll need it again, tonight at least." A horn blew outside.
"My taxi."
"Have a good time." Gil barely made it sound as if he meant it.
"I will." Nick was sure he would and grinned at Gil. He rubbed Sam's neck. "You be a good boy and I'll see you later." And he left...
He heard Sam bark once as he got out of the taxi after his date. He smiled to himself. Sam was a good guard dog but he would also realise that his Nick was back. The lights were still on in his living room and Nick let himself in to a welcome from Sam. Gil was on the sofa rubbing his eyes...his glasses propped on his forehead.
"I've been asleep...what time is it?" He switched off the TV with the remote.
"Eleven."
Gil nodded and looked at Nick. "Did you have a good time?"
"Yeah, I did."
Gil hesitated for a moment or two and then smirked. "Liar, liar pants on fire...the evidence says otherwise."
"What are you talking about?" Nick was immediately angry.
Gil softened his voice and manner. "It's eleven...you've barely been out for three hours and you're lying. I said you were transparent, Nick, and you are. You cannot lie...the truth is written all over your face."
Nick sighed and threw himself into a chair and toed off his shoes. "Brad used to be married...to a woman. Hid his homosexuality for years until he couldn't do it any more... so confessed and left his wife. But she turned into, and I quote, a vicious hag, and wouldn't let him have access to his kids. He's basically been fighting for access ever since, but they're young adults now and still don't want anything to do with him...sooo..."
"So?"
"He spent the entire evening talking about it...he cried into his napkin, twice. It was a fucking nightmare, to be honest." He laughed and after a few moments Gil joined in.
"I'm sorry. It was only the first date though wasn't it?"
"With him."
"Others didn't work out?"
"No...I met this guy and he was a Dom and needed a nice little sub."
Gil laughed. "You're no sub...you'd make a great Dom though."
It was Nick's turn to laugh. "You think? That's rich coming from you."
"Me? I've never been dominant."
"No, I suppose not. Just wanted your own way all the time."
"And I got it didn't I? And then I well and truly fucked it up."
They sat in silence for a few minutes with Nick staring at the floor and Gil staring at Nick. Nick could feel his eyes on him but wouldn't look up. Suddenly Gil moved and was on his knees in front of Nick, his hands holding on to each of Nick's thighs.
"Please will you give me another chance...my last chance? Please? I promise it will be the last chance you'll need to give me because I know where I belong now...and that's with you. I will never leave you again." He spoke quietly and urgently.
Nick huffed out an exaggerated sigh. "How many times have I heard that before? And how many times have you left me? Every time, Gil. Every time."
"I know. But I never promised before did I? Can you remember me promising?"
Nick thought about that and in truth Gil was right, he'd never promised...it had been, let's see how it goes, or I'll give it go, Nicky. I'll give it a go...and then he left him. Again.
"But you left me and after Paraguay...after that humiliation I promised myself I would never to go through it again. Never."
"What can I say to convince you? What can I say...or do?" Gil really did sound desperate.
"I don't think there is anything you can say or do now. You left me once too often. I think that you have finally succeeded in throwing me away for good." The weird thing was that Nick suddenly felt that it might well be the truth.
Gil sank back away from Nick and dropped his hands away from Nick. "I am so..."
"...sorry? You've said it a thousand times and nine hundred and ninety –nine times I've accepted your apology and let you back in. This time...there's nothing left."
Gil looked at Nick and nodded. He wearily, and with some difficulty, pushed himself to his feet.
"I'll leave in the morning. Mom's got a new sofa bed I can use."
"Okay."
"Okay." He left the room and Nick heard him climbing the stairs, slowly, wearily.
(*A/N 1)
Nick stayed in the chair for quite some time thinking about his evening with Brad. He had regrets that were with him day and night and probably always would be because he hadn't been true to himself. Nick could actually empathise a little with his ex-wife...she must have felt shocked and humiliated...there was probably nothing worse than finding out the man you loved was gay. But still that was no reason to deny a man his own children. But then what did he know? Squat. That was all he was really sure about...
Then he thought about Gil. He'd spent a lot of time with him and without him...was it really the end of the road now...now that Gil seemed to have realised what he really wanted was Nick. Nick had to admit that he'd never seemed as sincere as he had tonight. Then he remembered something and went to his den and switched on his computer...a few minutes later he found what he was looking for...
***
About an hour after Gil had climbed the stairs Nick followed suit. He stood outside the spare bedroom for a few moments wondering what to do and then tapped on the door. To his surprise it was pulled open a moment later and by a still fully dressed Gil.
"Sorry..." Nick started but Gil interrupted.
"...I'm the one who has to say sorry all the time." He sounded different to Nick. Hard and angry.
"I meant for disturbing you."
"I wasn't asleep...I haven't even undressed as you can see."
"No...I mean yes, I can see."
Gil sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry again...there's no need to take out my bad mood on you. It's not your fault...it's all mine. The whole mess is my fault."
Nick chuckled and nodded. "There's no denying that. But..."
"...but?"
"I just listened to the song, Send on the Clowns..."
"...it's on the money isn't it?"
"I guess it is."
"Which version did you listen too?"
"I listened to three: Barbra Streisand, Judy Collins and Judi Dench."
"Who did you think was the best?"
"Judi Dench. It seemed as if she really understood what she was singing about, that they were never on the same page at the same time. I understand now...I googled what Sondheim himself said about the lyrics. A ludicrous situation...but you're right...it's us isn't it?"
"...it is."
"The thing is I have been hurt so many times...by you...and this last time..."
"...I would...I will never hurt you again. Just one more chance?"
"If you do..."
"...I won't. I promise. I never break promises..."
"...you promised to love and honour Sara."
That took the wind out of Gil's sails. "You're right. I did. Different circumstances and a different life. I have never broken a promise to you.
"Because you've never promised me anything."
"I know...I absolutely know that I want you...I want to be with you and no one else."
"Why now?"
"Honestly? I don't know. After my behaviour in...well I've thought of little else except you, us. Everything I've done to you and how I've expected you to be there for me all the time...but not once...not once Nick, was I ever there for you..."
"...you were...once. You saved me from Walter Gordon."
"I wish I could take the credit but you know it was the team who saved you and not just me."
"You made me promise you that day..."
"...and my promise to you, now, means as much to me as your promise did on that day."
Nick stared at Gil, thinking things over. "Why weren't you in bed?"
"I was thinking. Thinking about the mess I'd made of my life. Fifty-seven this year and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. Sweet fuck all. I've decided never to come back to Vegas..."
"...never?"
"There's nothing here for me without you."
"So what will you do if..." Nick left his sentence unfinished.
"Simple. Come back home and stay...with you?"
"I might be ready to leave the lab myself."
"Then do it. If we're together we can do anything, Nick, anything."
"You know, man..." Nick chuckled and then smiled. "...I want to believe you."
"But you don't trust me, not now."
"No."
"I don't blame you. I have to earn your trust. I want to earn your trust."
"So what are you going to do?"
"To earn your trust?" Nick leaned on the door jamb and waited. Gil scratched his head and then his beard. "I have no idea. I need to think about that...how I'm going to go about it and what you want me to do"
"Okay. I'm going to get changed...while you think."
"Do you want a coffee...I'll make a fresh pot."
"I was going to have a beer."
"That works too." Gil smiled at Nick and in that instant Nick remembered how much he liked...no, loved... being the centre of Gil Grissom's universe. It put all the insecurities in context; about Warrick being his favourite CSI, about Greg being the teacher's pet, about Sara being his wife...all those things were insignificant when he was the focus of Gil's attention.
Nick couldn't settle. He'd tried reading a forensic article on line but the words meant nothing to him so he tried watching a game and was bored with that in moments.
It had been less about fifteen minutes since he'd been outside Gil's room and now Gil was pottering around in the kitchen and they'd each started a beer.
"What are you doing in there?" Nick called.
"Clearing up my mess...I fell asleep before I got rid of the pizza box."
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Yes. No. I kept thinking of you with Brad..."
"I know what that feels like...Sara."
"Suddenly Gil was standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry."
"Man, at some point you're going to have to stop saying sorry...it isn't going to change anything is it?"
"No, you're right, it's just..." He stopped.
"What?"
"I cannot understand how I've managed to fuck up my life so spectacularly. And how long it's taken me to realise what I really want is you...all along it's been you."
"So what are you going to do to keep me sweet while you're in Paraguay?"
"Well...if I can visit you I will...but that might be difficult. This week will use up all my permitted days off. I can call you and text you...as much as I can with the electricity supply...same with Skype...it'll be hard to coordinate times but where there's a will there's a way.
"When I'm finished and back here...I'll stay. Look around for some work. I'm not particular...oh and I could write you every day...like a journal...share my thoughts at the end of each day...you might not get them regularly but I could write a note, a letter, to you each day..."
"...I'd like that, man. You know that despite everything you are the man I love. I want you so badly..."
"I don't think we should...make love just yet. I have to prove myself first."
Nick laughed until he nearly cried...
A/N 1: These are the lyrics of the song and Stephen Sondheim himself said it was about a couple who were in love but couldn't get onto the same page at the same time...and it was idiotic the way they conducted their lives...hence the clowns! Judi Dench's rendition is generally considered the best though she almost speaks it rather than sings but does convey the ridiculousness of the relationship...
Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.
Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.
Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.
***
When he recovered he spoke. "Man, you're something else...it was never on the cards, you have got to prove yourself to me, Gil Grissom." Gil chuckled almost self-consciously at Nick's manner. Joking delivery but a deadly serious message. "Prove yourself to me before you step over the threshold of my bedroom. It's not like I don't want you..."
"...I know. I understand. But, Nick, I feel better about you...no, better about myself than I have in a long time."
They were quiet for a few moments appraising each other's sincerity, Nick reckoned.
"That's good. So how was your Mom and what did she say about the divorce?"
"Well...true to fashion she was very annoyed about the divorce..." Nick must have looked shocked. "...I know what you're thinking: that she didn't like Sara in the first place, and she didn't, but having made my bed I was expected to lie in it. Divorce is not an option for her...but what's done is done and I told her that."
"Have you told her about me?"
"No."
"Ever?"
"No. But then I didn't tell her about Sara until the day before we got married."
"Does she know you're gay or at least bi? I mean my Mom confronted me...Mom's know, I think."
"I have no idea." Gil thought about it for a few moments. "We're not that close; we've grown apart; we were very close after my Dad died but I was a child. Then when I went to college she found a new life for herself with the Deaf School in Santa Monica and then she came here just after I did. Her work became the centre of her universe as I had been as a child. But...I've never discussed anything of a personal...for personal I mean sexual...nature with her. Ever."
"Why not? Without a Dad didn't she tell you about the birds and bees?"
"The birds and bees?" Gil laughed. "I knew all about the birds and bees by the time I was six...from reading. She did give me a book...yes, a book about sex...but I already knew. I was a voracious reader and if I wanted to know something, anything, I went to the library. I think she as pretty good in some ways she let me live my life and let it take me where it took me. I was a strange child remember. Road kill? She just took it in her stride. But we've never been as close as we were when I was a child...just the way it is really.
"When Dad was alive he was the centre of her universe. When he died I became that centre and then when I went to college she started at Santa Monica's school for the deaf and took to studying, got a degree, and came to Vegas to join the faculty of the deaf college. As far as I know and from what she said, it was a coincidence that I'd moved here the year before; the school here offered her a job. She leads a very busy and fulfilling life now and I guess we've drifted a bit."
Nick was listening intently. This was the most Gil had ever spoken to him about his Mom. Maybe Gil Grissom had changed. He thought about his own Mom.
"I don't think my Mom would allow that...she'd be in Vegas demanding I moved back to Dallas if she thought I was drifting away."
"Your family is tight. Susan was great with me and I look forward to meeting up with her."
"You'll like her if you like me...she's looks like my twin sister and she's nine years older!"
"Then I'll love her..."
"...she's happily married, there's no need to love her, just like her."
"Point taken." Gil smirked and Nick grinned.
Maybe they would be okay...they sat in companionable silence and Gil who'd been sitting in a chair joined Nick on the sofa the other side of Sam who looked across with a sneer on his face. He was lying next to Nick and Gil wouldn't get any closer.
"You want to watch Discovery or National Geographic?" Gil asked but Nick was thinking...again the transparency made Gil smile.
"You've thought of something?"
"Yeah. What if...subconsciously...you knew? Knew it was me that you wanted and not Sara...but for some reason you were fighting it?"
"I don't know. I have no idea what the fuck my subconscious is playing at...most of the time, in the last few years at least, I've had no idea why I've made some of my conscious decisions."
"You were a single man, well into your forties, and you said yourself at the time that you'd had no real relationships at all...until me. So when you did find someone, me, that was a real relationship your subconscious rebelled...too old? Too set in your ways? Won't work? Whatever. You then did everything you could to sabotage the relationship."
"Sounds like a good theory. I have no idea whether it's right or not. But then why would I marry Sara? I should have been marrying you. I don't know; are you giving my subconscious too much cunning and power over my consciousness?"
"So why, exactly, did you marry Sara?"
Gil stared at him and sighed. "I have no idea. No fucking idea. Even Sara must have thought it was a bad idea, maybe not at the wedding but pretty soon after since it took her a lot less than a year to come back here...and the lab."
"What was the sex like?"
"I don't think..."
"...come on...humour me...I have a theory."
"It was...it was okay. I cannot in all honesty say that it was good, great or anything else because it just wasn't."
"And before you married her?"
"The same. Where are you going with this?"
"And how would you describe sex with me?"
"Oh God, Nick, you know. I was never more fulfilled then when in your arms...you know that."
"You know...I wonder if you're like Brad."
"Brad? How?"
"Trying not to be gay. Trying to be a het guy...I mean even your choice of woman...she's hardly a pin up for femininity, is she?"
"Jesus. Nick I have always tried to be as broadminded about sexuality as I could be..."
"...with other people; I know you don't sit in judgment but I wonder if you, really, were denying it about yourself."
"I...I have no idea. Honestly, if this is a possibility then it is very deeply buried in my subconscious. Way out of sight." He stopped and thought about it for a few moments, chewing his bottom lip. "The problem is...the problem is it could be a possibility. But there again you, and I, could be grasping at straws to explain my behaviour towards you."
"Not just to me...primarily to yourself. You know...actually...it could explain a lot of things. The single man until middle age. No real relationship until me... and you said it yourself...it was me that you've loved from the beginning and then you've tried everything to make it, me, go away."
Gil got up from the sofa and paced around the room. "It could be right. How do I find out? You're implying it could happen again. I know that I love you and you alone and will never leave you again but I could renege on that...if...what am I going to do?" Gil did sound truly anguished.
***
"The first thing and most obvious thing that I've just thought of is that we both know a very distinguished sex therapist."
"Heather. Of course. Should I call her?"
"Not now, it's the middle of the night, but in the morning I think you should; it's a good idea...at least it will either prove or disprove my theory."
Gil sat back and took a deep breath. "What if it disproves it? What then?"
"I don't know but I would think the whole process with Heather would at least find out why you've behaved like you have."
"I think you're right."
"So do I. And to such an extent, Gil, that I'm making it a condition for us to get back together. Because I'm not putting myself through your shit again. It's either sorted or we're through."
Gil nodded. "I think that's a reasonable request...a condition. But what about Paraguay?"
"What about it?"
"I have to go back since I'm under contract and have been paid..."
"...call Heather tomorrow. If she can see you before you go back then that would be good...get the ball rolling...and then continue when you get back to Vegas."
"It's going to take a long time."
"Therapy does. I mean she might not think it is what I've hypothesised and you might not need therapy...but something's got to give. I want you...I always have and you say you want me...but I'm not setting myself up for a fall again."
"You're right."
Nick grinned. "You know, man, generally I am."
Gil smiled back at him. "You are. You always were."
"...you could write to Heather like you're going to write to me...obviously not saying the same things as you would to me, but sharing your thought processes may help her, you. It might be easier for you to put it down on paper than say it aloud. I don't know; I'm getting ahead of the game here."
"I hope I can speak to her tomorrow because you have some very good, no, not very good, excellent ideas, Nick. No wonder I fell in love with you and if I've been fighting it all these years I hope I can redeem myself."
Gil stayed up for another couple of hours but slept on the sofa. Nick nudged him.
"Go to bed, you're too old to sleep on the couch."
"How true is that?" Gil grumbled as he prised himself from the sofa, stretched and ambled off to bed. At the stairs he turned and spoke to Nick. "This is going to work out, Nick. Just so you know."
Nick smiled and shrugged. He hoped it would but maybe he shouldn't hold his breath.
The next morning Nick fed Sam and then took him out for a long hike. When he got back Gil was at his kitchen table nursing a mug of coffee and his cell phone.
"Hey." Sam made a beeline for Gil and was fussed for his trouble. "Have you had a good hike? You've been gone over an hour."
"Sorry did I wake you?"
"No. Just lying in bed listening to the sounds of the night. I hardly slept after my long nap on the couch and nearly got up to join you again but thought you would want some alone time."
"You could have got up; I chilled all night watching a few games and I found ET to watch...man I haven't seen that for years...why are you holding your cell in a death grip?"
"I called Heather. She was just about to step into the shower so she said she would call me back. I forgot how long it takes women to shower." He smirked and placed the cell down in front of him. "I made a fresh pot of coffee."
"I only drink decaff in the mornings or I'd never sleep."
"Of course. Are you working tonight?"
"Yeah. Just one night off this week, then two days and then three days...a new shift system."
"Let me guess: Ecklie."
"Yeah. But you know, he's a changed man. Since Morgan got here and then he was shot and he's been dating Hodges' mother."
"I certainly missed out on that information...the bit about him being a changed man. What's Morgan like?"
"Hot."
"I meant as a..."
"...I know...she's good...no, she's very good."
"Doesn't take after her father then."
"Wow. Bitch." Nick laughed.
"You have a short memory..."
"...no, I haven't. I choose to move on." Nick wasn't laughing any more.
"Sorry. That was uncalled for."
"Yeah, it was."
Gil didn't speak and Nick knew it was because he'd been rebuked. He never did like being outsmarted...even if it was only in a conversation. Just in time to save Gil's face his cell rang; in his rush to pick it up he nearly dropped it.
"Heather? Thank you." Gil listened to her and smiled up at Nick. He smiled back and indicated he was going out onto the deck. He took his drink of herbal tea and sat in the shade...a tired Sam at his feet.
About fifteen minutes later Gil came out onto the deck still holding his cell to his ear.
"Heather's invited us both to dinner this evening. Can you go?" He was smiling at Nick and Nick guessed that he wanted him to go.
"Sure. That would be good...I have to be at work for nine though."
"Did you hear that? That would be great, Heather, thank you and I look forward to seeing you too. Okay. Bye." He ended the call.
"So? She doesn't want to see you as a client but wants you to go for dinner?" Nick asked.
"No. She will see me as a client and she was quite intrigued with your theory but she said she would like to see us both together and then said how about dinner. That was it really. So seven at her place. Not the Dominion...she's moved to a condo."
"Okay."
"I want us to work, Nick. I do."
"I know you do." He smiled at Gil and thought that maybe he was being a bit of an asshole with him...but he immediately capitulated. Gil had been an asshole to him over and over again.
"I saw the look. Transparent remember? But it's nothing I don't deserve. Now what time are you going to bed...because I need a Vegas breakfast with everything to go with that Pizza I had last night..."
"I had some toast already.
"So humour me and drink coff...tea, while I gorge on cholesterol."
"Okay. I could have eggs."
"That's my boy. If you'd eaten at the dig for several months you would know exactly what I'm experiencing."
"But you've lost a bit of weight and it's a good look on you." Nick smirked as best he could.
"Kind of you to notice. Perhaps that's what you could do for me...send me food parcels."
"Cookies and candy?"
"Exactly...cookies and candies. Bliss. And also useful for bribery."
They laughed together.
As he drove into a parking space at the fancy condominium that Heather now called home Nick felt nervous. He didn't know why he should but...he did.
He was dressed for work...maybe a little smarter than usual. After their dinner Gil was going to get a taxi back to the house.
***
By the time they'd got to Heather's apartment Nick had butterflies...or it could have been pterodactyls from the feel of it...in his stomach. Gil noticed his discomfort just before he rang her bell.
"You okay?"
"Nervous and I don't know why."
"Probably a vestige left from Heather's old life. You were never comfortable at the Dominium were you?"
"That's true." Gil rang the bell and a few moments later Heather opened the door wide and stood aside to let them enter.
"Gentlemen."
Nick nodded at her, but Gil went to her and hugged her as she hugged him back.
"It's good to see you. How've you been?" Gil enquired and pulled back a little but didn't let go and there for Nick to see and acknowledge was the embodiment of his nervousness.
They were close friends; Nick knew he'd never slept with her...but to him she'd always seemed a far greater threat to his own relationship with Gil than even Sara...and he'd married her! He didn't hear Heather's response to Gil because of the blinding jealousy coursing through his body.
"You okay, Nick?" He suddenly saw Gil looking at him and he had his hand on his arm. "You've gone pale."
"I'm okay...just thought of something is all." He smiled at Gil who was frowning at him. Heather was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Heather?"
"Kitchen. We're going to eat straight away because of your tight schedule. Smells good. Are you sure..."
"...I'm fine. Don't fuss."
"Okay, pal." He held his hands up in mock submission but still looked concerned.
The dinner tasted as good as it smelled. Heather had made a shrimp curry...apparently Gil had said he was craving tasty food...it was very hot and spicy but it was delicious and after a few minutes Nick settled down and enjoyed his food. The conversation was polite to start with and then as they progressed through their food and they were on their coffees when Heather asked Nick about his theory.
He explained about Brad and but was at pains to say it wasn't that he definitely thought Gil was homophobic but that it was just an idea that might explain his behaviour.
"I understand completely. I think it is a logical supposition..."
"...but you don't think it is that?"
"I haven't said that but...knowing Gil for many years I find it hard to see him as, even subconsciously, homophobic...to my mind I think the answer lies more in the direction of commitment phob..."
"...but he left me and married Sara." Nick almost shrieked and then took a drink of his coffee to hide his embarrassment.
Heather was amused and smiling. "Well let's ask him about that, shall we? Gil...when you were actually marrying Sara what were you thoughts as you stood with her, at the alter?"
Gil took a huge breath and sat and tapped his fingers on the table, to a silent tune, for a few moments and then he took off his glasses and held them in one hand as he pinched the top of his nose with the other.
Nick's nerves immediately returned and he was almost holding his breath...his breathing had become very shallow. Gil obviously didn't want to tell them about this...what was he hiding?
But then Gil almost threw his glasses onto the table and scrubbed his face with both his hands and spoke. "Well...it was a civil ceremony, so it was a large desk. As I stood beside her I thought...and I can tell you both, honestly, that the thought is as clear now as it was at that moment..."
He took another deep breath and looked directly across at Nick.
"I thought, what the fuck am I doing here? Why am I marrying her? If I'd had the balls I would have walked out there and then and saved both of us the ridiculous sham that was our marriage." He almost spat out the word, marriage.
"It is the truth to say that Sara was the driving force, but she shouldn't be blamed, because I went along with it...I don't know why, Nick. I don't know why." Nick thought he sounded anguished as he spoke to him...not Heather...about what had happened.
Heather speaking made both men look at her. "Did you think, after the marriage, that you would stay together until death did you part?"
"No. At first it wasn't too bad...no honeymoon. We were working on a project in Costa Rica and while we were working everything was okay. But when we weren't working...we didn't do anything, talk about anything...except work. I told you, Nick, that Sara wouldn't stay in Paris with me...I think the real reason was that she realised that she'd made a huge mistake. We had nothing in common....except work. Even in Vegas...before...it was work.
"With you, I know we rarely, is ever, talked about work...we always had something more interesting to talk about...even argue about. I never argued with Sara. I didn't...I couldn't...there was no passion, in the marriage or in our lives. That's the truth of the matter."
"Gil, why did you leave Nick?" Heather asked and Nick looked at her and thought that it was a fucking good question.
"I...I...I don't know. I just cannot put my finger on the reason...I have thought of little else for six weeks...since Nick visited me in Paraguay. I don't know. But what I do know is that I love him. I love him and want him and I would never leave him again."
It was such a heartfelt plea to Nick and Nick very nearly smiled and was ready to jump across the table but then he remembered something.
"You've left me so many times; how do I know you won't leave me again."
Heather was still faintly smiling and looking at Gil as he replied opening his hands out in a gesture that suggested it was anyone's guess. "You don't know. You only have my word for it...and I know that for you my word counts for nothing after my past misdemeanours...felonies even." Gil added the more serious charge.
"I think that this is the basis for the therapy...and I do think you need therapy, Gil. There is something...missing...something that causes you to leave Nick and we need to identify and deal with it....if we can."
"Have you..."
"Have you..." Both men spoke the same words at the same time. Nick nodded to Gil to continue.
"Have you an idea what it is that's wrong?" It was also Nick's question and his smiled and nodded again.
"No. That's why you need therapy to get to the bottom of it. But Nick, I should warn you that we're in no man's land...it could be that what is unearthed will mean that your relationship will fail anyway. Do you understand that?"
"Of course I do. But how can I live...with the man I love...knowing that every day could be our last day because he needs to take off again and then marry someone else...again? It's better for both of us to know one way or the other."
Heather nodded. "I agree. Absolutely."
"I don't. I know how I feel now and I when I left him before I never felt like this. I cannot see how what is...is unearthed will change my feelings towards Nick."
"Gil." Heather spoke softly and leaned forward slightly. "What we learn may change Nick's feelings towards you."
***
Gil groaned and put his head in his hands, his elbows resting on the table, and his spoke to the table. "I have managed to fuck up my life. I thought I was such a smart ass...I knew such a lot about everything except myself...I lived my life in a sterile bubble. It was Nick who burst that bubble and it's taken me all these years to realise what I had with him was the best thing in my life. And now...now I have this dreadful sense of foreboding that I have lost him." He lifted up his head.
"You haven't lost me."
"Are you sure of that? Because I'm not."
Heather sat back in her chair and huffed out a little laugh. "You know, Gil, I've always known you were gay but this is the first time I've ever seen you play the drama queen. But...I will see you on your own before you go back to Paraguay. And if you can write to me...that would be good...and also very charming and I would welcome it."
Nick was grinning at Heather's drama queen remark. He knew, very well, that when necessary Gil could flounce with the best of them.
Gil stared at Heather and then smirked. "Okay. Point taken."
"I have to go: work." Nick pushed his chair back. "That was a great meal, Heather. Thanks for the food and thanks for taking Gil in hand. I'll be cautiously optimistic."
"I think you should be." She glanced at Gil. "One of you should be. Are you staying, Gil, because we can talk some more."
"Should I?" He asked Nick the question.
"You should. It'll be your first, no, second session. She might not charge you."
"I've offered to pay and she won't take my money."
"Thanks Heather, it's a good move...I think you'll find he hasn't got a dime to his name." They all laughed.
Gil walked to the door with Nick. "Do you think we'll be okay?"
"I don't know. I just want some reassurance; I don't want to live my life on a razor's edge."
"I understand. I do."
Nick smiled at him and then bent forward and kissed his lips for a moment...too quickly for Gil to respond and Nick knew that he was annoyed for missing an opportunity.
"See you tomorrow. Don't forget to feed and walk Sam...I've cancelled the dog sitter."
"I won't. I promise."
Gil sent Nick a text nearly three hours later. 'Just got in. Sam very happy. Heather very probing I feel violated. See you in the morning. I DO love you. G xx'
Nick smiled and Greg frowned. Nick rarely got text messages. He replied. 'At arson I stink of smoke. Sounds as if H is doing her job. CU and I know you do. N'
"Who are you smiling at?"
"Sorry?" Nick wondered what Greg was taking about.
"You rarely get texts...in fact I don't ever remember you getting one...and now you're texting and smiling at your cell. I smell a lady."
"I smell smoke and an accelerant. Is your life so sad, Greggo, that you monitor the frequency of texts of your colleagues? You need a life, buddy." And he patted him on the shoulder as he moved past him to take some more photos.
"I definitely smell a rat now...you're deflecting." Greg was gleeful. "And now you mention it when did you last come to work in a button down? I need to investigate further."
"You found something?" Nick was saved from having to invent an excuse or a retort pronto by Finn's timely arrival.
"He's found squat. Too busy gossiping."
"I love gossip. Share." She demanded of Greg and Nick could have kicked himself for being a smart ass. He chuckled to himself. Just like Grissom. But luckily Greg's first allegiance was to Nick and not Finn so he himself deflected.
"Contrary to all the rumours...I know nothing." Nick and Finn both laughed but Nick was also relieved.
Things took a turn for the worse a few minutes later when Nick found a body that the fire crew had missed.
It was nearly midday when Nick finally made it home. He'd texted Gil to say he was on his way and Gil had promised a breakfast for him. But first things first when he'd spent a few minutes with Sam he had to shower and change his clothes. It was hard even then to rid himself of the smell...it was in his pores.
True to his word Gil had a breakfast ready for Nick and they sat at the kitchen table while Gil sipped a coffee and as Nick tucked into his food he looked up at Gil with a mouthful of food and then swallowed and spoke and demanded...
"Spill."
"We talked about...I talked about my life; she wanted to hear how I was as a child so she could and I quote, 'build up a complete picture of me'. I wasn't comfortable at all...I think I've only really spoken to you about my childhood...you should see that as a measure of the trust I have in you, and no one else." He smiled optimistically.
"Go on." Nick wasn't going to be sweet talked.
"That's all. We talked about my early childhood with both parents and up to the death of my Dad and then the immediate aftermath...then it was time to leave. I'm seeing her the day after tomorrow in her office at eight in the morning. That's only two days before I have to leave, but she said she might be able to fit in another session before I go. Nothing else..."
"...except? You think I'm transparent?"
Gil smirked and nodded. "She says I'm depressed. I am, I freely acknowledge it. Look how my life has turned out and look what I've done to you and us...of course I'm depressed about it all..."
"...but?" Nick prodded.
***
"She said that it's quite okay to be depressed about the way things are going...these things are a normal part of life's...and again I quote, 'life's rich tapestry'. I never thought Heather could resort to such platitudes." He stopped and seemed to be considering something.
"God, Gil, come on...this is like interviewing a hostile witness."
"That bad?"
"Worse; you agreed to this therapy and I've made it a condition..."
"...she says I'm clinically depressed and has given me a script' for a mild antidepressant."
"Okay."
"It isn't okay...I'm not taking antidepressants for six months."
"Why six months?"
"She says to take them the whole time I'm in Paraguay...but..."
"...but nothing. The doc says take them so you'd better take them or else..."
"...you're making taking them a condition too?" Gil was angry now.
"No. No, I'm not but she's the psychoanalyst so shouldn't you show her little respect? You wouldn't expect her to do your job would you?"
Gil didn't speak but sipped his coffee.
"Well?"
"Okay, okay. I'll get them."
"And take them?"
"And take them."
"Promise me?"
Gil looked at Nick. "You'd hold me to a promise?"
"Yes. Keeping promises is definitely a condition." He smiled.
"So taking them does become a condition." Nick shrugged and smiled. "You drive a hard bargain, Nick Stokes. Maybe that's why I do keep coming back to you..."
"...it's not the coming back part it's the fucking leaving part that I want to get to the bottom of."
Gil nodded. "I'm never going to leave you. I know."
Nick sat back on his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "You've got to be allowed back before you have the opportunity to leave."
"If only I'd realised what I wanted years ago instead of running around like a headless chicken."
"The ball's in your court. I have to take Sam for a walk...he expects it when I get home...whatever the time. You want to come with?"
"Okay. When you've gone to bed may I borrow your truck again? I have a few errands to run."
"No sweat."
"Thank you...and the pharmacy will be one of them." Nick smiled at Gil, who sighed.
"I'm fucked." Nick grinned his agreement and Gil seemed to accept his fate.
The three of them walked to Calico Park.
Later that afternoon Gil went to the pharmacy and collected six months' worth of his antidepressants. Then he ran errands for some things he needed to take back to Paraguay.
They ambled along together for the next few days. Gil seeing Heather again and coming back confused. Despite knowing how long and involved therapy actually was he was expecting a result before he left for Paraguay. Heather knew, he knew and Nick knew...it wasn't going to happen. He felt as if he'd arrived back in Vegas feeling optimistic but he was going to leave feeling depressed...if he didn't feel depressed before he certainly did now.
The problem for Nick was that he weakening. Having Gil around all the time; having him take care of him...he was cooking all his meals and had taken him out, too. They'd walked Sam together and Sam obviously loved Gil now.
And this was their last night together before Gil left to go back to Paraguay via Dallas. Nick had managed to get the night off...he still had a lot of leave to take. Gil's special request was for Nick's chili. He made a mean chili and it was always one of Gil's favourites.
They sat out on the deck and complimented the chili with cold beers. It was a pretty perfect night.
"Do you feel any different now?" Nick enquired.
"Tonight?"
"...I mean taking the antidepressants."
"I've no idea; if I'm honest I feel more depressed than I've ever felt. I wouldn't have thought the drug would kick-in that quickly, it can take weeks. I do feel better just being with you; for having some hope that I can convince you to take me back. Heather said she was hopeful...but she's cagey and I'm only up to my college days. I did ask her if she was picking up on any themes that would shed light on my leaving you but she just said I have to be patient."
"I guess you do."
"Dammit Nick, I don't want to be patient I want you...you..." Gil put down his beer and got up from the table and walked back into the house.
Nick left it a few minutes and then followed him...taking some of the dirty plates with him. Gil was in the kitchen tidying up. He looked up at Nick.
"Sorry."
"You're supposed to stop saying that."
"I know but the trouble with that is that I need to be sorry...I'm so emotionally incompetent it takes my breath away sometimes. And even more than being sorry to you, Nick, I'm sorry for myself. For fifty-seven years of pissing around like an asshole and missing the best thing that ever happened to me." Gil stood with his head down and his hands on the kitchen counter letting it take the weight off his shoulders, or so Nick thought.
It was the completely dejected look that got to Nick. It had seemed to him, initially, that Gil was almost playing at trying to get them back together...that maybe he'd expected Nick to just roll over and have him back without a fight but only now did he seem to have fully realised the enormity of what he'd done to Nick in the past and the mountain he'd got to climb to get him back. Nick knew at that moment that Gil was now considering that that mountain may not be conquered. That he'd missed his chance...
He slipped his arms around Gil's waist. "Hey." Gil didn't move so Nick tried again. "Babe?"
"Your babe? I haven't been your babe for a long time."
"No. But maybe you could be again. Now."
Gil turned around so that they were together facing each other. "Your conditions?"
Nick sighed and wrapped his arms around Gil. "You hurt me so much and so many times and you know I blame myself for a lot of it...I should never have had you back the first time...but I loved you...I loved you so much."
"You're using the past tense." Gil spoke into Nick's shoulder.
"I know I am...I think I've got to learn to trust you again. I do love you now...but..."
Gil pulled back and smiled...a little thinly, but it was a smile...and then kissed the corner of Nick's mouth...their first kiss since the night Nick had left Heather's apartment.
"Then I feel confident, sweetheart, because I know I'm going to be able to earn your trust. I know it." He hugged Nick as Nick hugged him.
"Maybe you could sleep in my bed tonight." The implication of Nick's words was not lost on Gil.
"You won't be in bed, you've slept all day."
"I could help you sleep."
"It would help me through five months of loneliness without you."
"Me too."
"I love you, Nick. And I will prove it to you...however long it takes."
They left the dishes and slowly made their way up the stairs to Nick's bedroom. Nick threw open the door and they went into the bedroom together.
They made love gently. There was no penetration just mutual masturbation. But Gil made sure to caress as much of Nick as he possibly could and uttered his love for Nick frequently. Nick didn't respond to the declarations of love but he was happy to have Gil loving him again. Gil could always make him feel so special.
Except...
***
They were spent. Nick was lying on his back, one arm behind his head staring with unseeing eyes at his ceiling. Gil was beside him, an arm thrown across Nick's sticky belly. Nick looked at Gil. His face was smooth and relaxed...he didn't look his age...and he looked happy even with his eyes closed.
Nick tried to feel happy but the post-sex euphoria had dissipated moments after his climax. He was thinking what a fucking idiot he'd been. Seduced by Gil Grissom's fine words and his own blinding stupidity...again...what a fool he was...
He threw the bedclothes off and swung his legs over the side and Gil's arm dropped from him as he sat up.
"Where you going?" Gil asked; his voice was as relaxed as his body had been.
"I don't rightly know. I just realised what a fucking idiot I am...letting you back in here. I said I wasn't going to and here I am...I must have fucking sucker tattooed on my forehead..."
"...no, Nick, it's not like..." Was all Gil said before Nick got up from the bed and strode out to the bathroom.
He closed the door and locked it and reached into his shower cubicle just as Gil reached the door. He tried to open it...
"Nick? Nick? What's wrong? Don't do this. I promise that this time it's going to different. Only you. Only you from now on."
Nick had his back against the door listening to Gil's pleas that he could hear over the water of his shower. Fuck the man. But he was the one at fault...he'd said he wasn't going to let Gil back in until he'd proved himself and here he was...letting him fuck him over again. Were things any different?
He couldn't help it as big fat juicy tears fell unbidden from his eyes down his cheeks and dripped onto his chest.
All the time Gil was knocking on the door...not loudly, he was just tapping and saying Nick's name over and over and saying he loved him...he loved him now and forever...
Nick turned and opened the door and in an instant Gil enfolded him in a tight hug.
"Nick, I'm sorry I've made you like this. I know it's me. But I will make it up to you. I promise. I love you." Gil was repeating the words over and over holding him in a death grip. Nick wanted to feel loved...he really wanted to...but the memories were flooding back to him. Those bitter days after Gil had left him, again and again. The feelings he had of utter devastation. He had them now...if Gil left him again he wouldn't cope. Not going through it all again.
Into Gil's shoulder he muttered. "If you leave me again..."
"...I won't."
"If you leave me again I won't be able to take it. Not again."
"I won't leave you. Never again."
"How do I know you mean it?" Nick felt devastated. He wanted to believe Gil and he wanted him but his trust? His trust in him had been destroyed. Eroded away little by little over the years and now Nick felt like a train hurtling out of control to an inevitable crash...a wreck... Gil hadn't replied to his last anguished question. He pulled back from Gil.
"How will I know?"
"You won't, I cannot make you believe me Nick. After all these years after all this time you've got to take a leap of faith..."
"...faith? In you? Again? How?"
Gil couldn't answer and shook his head. "I don't know. I know now just how much I've hurt you...it never occurred..."
"...it never occurred? It never occurred? It never occurred to you how much hurt...fucking devastation you were causing?" Nick couldn't believe he'd heard Gil say those words. He pulled back from Gil completely and stared at the man.
"No. No. I never saw you like this Nick. I never saw you...did I? And you had me back each time as if nothing had happened..."
"...I can't believe I did that. Kind of reinforces my image as a fucking asshole, doesn't it?"
"No. It reinforces the fact that I'm the moron...the fucking asshole for leaving you. I had no idea. No idea at all at what I left behind when I walked out."
They were both quiet. Nick lost in thought when Gil spoke again.
"I think I understand it all now. I want you...I love you. But if you want me to leave I will and never come back."
"Fuck you!" Nick shouted at the top of his voice and shoved Gil backwards with both hands on his chest. The bathroom door was open and Gil staggered back into the bedroom nearly losing his footing but just managing to stay upright. "Fuck you. You come back here I let you into my home and my bed and now you're fucking leaving again?"
Startled, Gil stood up straight. "I said no. Such. Thing. Don't put words into my mouth Nick...don't. I said...if you want me to go. I'll go if that's what you want. Is it?"
Nick stood there and looked into the face of the man he loved and for whom he'd sacrificed a lot of his life. He'd been in limbo for ten years...he knew the answer to the question and he became calm in the blink of an eye.
"No. I want you to stay. I don't want you to leave...ever."
"I won't. I'll cancel the dig. Stay with you."
Nick looked at Gil and shook his head. "No...you said you're under contract and I wouldn't want you to break it."
"If you want me to, I will. You mean more to me. More than anyone and anything."
Nick kept looking at Gil who now seemed to be saying all the right things and shook his head. "You go. And you have a lot of letter writing to do to fulfil your conditions...every day you said."
"I did and I will. You could visit me...if you have enough leave days."
"I have. Don't know whether I could show my face there after my queer fit."
"You were entitled, the way I treated you. My queer fit was worse. Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"I think the shower might have run cold."
Nick leaned in and turned it off. "You're right. Luke warm." He then pulled some toilet paper from the roll and blew his nose. He chewed his lip as he looked at Gil. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I think so."
"I mean where I pushed you. I'm sorry."
"You pushed me you didn't hit me so don't beat yourself up about that. It's no more than I deserve."
"No one deserves violence."
"I think I've been trying your patience for years. A push is okay."
They stood there, naked, facing each other and Nick shrugged. "Might as well get back into bed. Wait for the water to heat up again."
"It'll keep us warm."
Gil waited for Nick to get into bed and then got in beside him; he lay on his back and Nick lay on his side and slid his arm over Gil's belly. Neither man spoke but Gil put his arm around Nick and pulled him closer and then held onto Nick's hand as it lay on him. Trying to get as close as possible and comfort him when he remembered the song and he started to sing very softly. Nick looked up at him
.
"
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours, making my entrance again with my usual flair
."
He stopped singing and
huffed out a breath and Nick's arm jumped as Gil's chest and stomach rose. "I'm being ironic of course. But in the end, Desiree and Fredric...in A Little Night Music...finally got together."
"Yeah... You were right; it could have been written about us."
"Not any more, Nick. This clown has changed...is changing. We're going to be okay."
They lay in silence and despite Nick's wish not to sleep he fell into a deep sleep.
Gil, on the other hand, lay perfectly still with Nick in his arms for hours thinking about the harm he'd unknowingly inflicted on Nick...and the scale of the work he'd have to put in to undo that harm and prove his worth. There were two questions he couldn't avoid and he had no answers...
Would he actually be able to do it?
Would it be better for Nick is he was to walk away now and let Nick get on with the rest of his life?
He tightened his hold on Nick. He'd told Nick that they were going to be okay...and he wished with all his heart and soul that it was true but he had doubts. Serious doubts...but he would try and give it his best shot...
Hope for the best; expect the worst...
The End
***