In Joy and Sorrow

Title: In Joy and Sorrow
By: Valerie
Pairing: Gil/Nick
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established relationship, Romance
Series: 1) Even Better Than The Real Thing
Warnings: ViolenceSpoilersmentionings of episodes up to season 4, specific mentionings: all for our country
Summary: The hard part of any relationship is not getting together, it's getting it right afterwards.
Author's notes: The concept and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked. No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.
In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart
in joy and sorrow my home's in your arms
in world so hollow
it is breaking my heart
(HIM)
Nick silently steeled himself before he knocked at Ecklie's door. The dayshift supervisor had helped him more than he would ever have believed possible during the threat from Lower, then as if this case had never happened he had gone back to his snarky and impossible self. It was two months since Lower's plan had almost gotten him killed and Nick still hadn't had a chance to talk to Ecklie and if he was honest, then it was because most of the time he wanted to kill the older man as soon as he saw him.
The one thing Ecklie had promised him when they had talked just a day after Lower's sister had broken down and handed Nick the gun, had been that no matter what happened, he wouldn't change the arrangement Gil had worked out with the sheriff.
Now Nick sighed lightly, Ecklie had promised and he had kept his promise. Nothing more, nothing less... Still he couldn't forget the haunted look on the older man's face right before he had left their table that morning, couldn't forget the pain he had seen in the hard eyes.
It were those memories that made him stand in front of the supervisor's door right now because although the case itself didn't trouble him anymore, the sight of those eyes still sometimes followed him into his dreams.
"Stokes, what do you want?"
Unable to repress a grin, Nick was close to say something like 'a nice day to you too', but knowing better he sat down in the visitor's chair and after thinking for a moment finally started to speak.
"I wanted to talk to you about what you did during the Lower case, you know taking the gun and everything."
Right after he had said those words, he could once again see the very same emotions the sudden pain and slight fear before the mask once again descended over Ecklie's face and a sneer replaced the concern.
"I told you before already that I don't want to talk about it, can't you get your head around it?"
He was tempted to let it go, but the fear and pain he had seen, had been real and Nick wasn't someone to let go when he knew someone was hurting, especially if he thought he was the reason for it.
"It hurt you."
The words were out before he had time to consider them and immediately he held his breath at Ecklie's reaction. The older man just looked at him and tentatively Nick continued.
"What you had to do, getting the rifle, possibly shooting the woman. It hurt you somehow, you didn't have to do this, no one expected this from you."
For a second Ecklie looked down at the table and when he met Nick's eyes again the sneer was gone, replaced by a light smile that reached his eyes. It wasn't a smile of happiness more something like sad acceptance, although acceptance of what, Nick didn't understand.
"Have you ever killed a person, Nick?"
Nick was too surprised by Ecklie's use of his first name to hear the question, then when it filtered through his brain, he shook his head.
"It doesn't matter if you kill a killer or an innocent, Nick, it doesn't matter if you shoot in self defence or to defend someone else, it always hurts if you have to kill."
From what Nick knew, Ecklie had never shot anyone on the job, but the pain in his words spoke of a deep understanding, an understanding that came from experience not text book. It made him curious about who Ecklie was, who the real person behind the arrogant mask was. Yet before he could say anything or ask anything else, Ecklie spoke again.
"You're right, I didn't have to do it. It certainly isn't in my job description, but someone once told me that I had been given a talent and if I threw that away, if I refused to use it to protect people, I would be just as guilty as the one who pulled the trigger."
There was nothing Nick could say to this statement and for a long time they both were silent. Then Ecklie looked up again, the sneer was back in place and he looked at his watch.
"Wasted my time enough, Stokes?"
The change was so drastic, that Nick didn't even realize he had gotten up and left until he was standing outside the room. Looking back at the closed door he wondered what had just happened.
The beep of his pager brought him back and while he made his way over to Greg, he focussed on the case pushing any thoughts about Ecklie and his weird behaviour from his mind.
---
For a moment Gil just sat in his car, he needed a second to breathe, to relax. The case had caused him more stress than he would ever admit and the undisguised hatred from the police officer they had just questioned had surprised and scared him. And that too he would never admit. The knock on his window surprised him, but he managed to keep his calm mask on as he opened and looked at Officer Formansky.
"You are part of an ongoing investigation, I can't talk to you."
Again he saw the hatred in the other man's blue eyes and forced himself not to react.
"I don't want to talk about the case, Mr. Grissom."
There was contempt now in Officer Fromansky's voice, contempt and disgust something he had not shown before in Brass' office.
"I just want you to think about something."
He made a rhetorical stop and then with a cold and calculated gleam in his eyes he continued slowly.
"Think about how often you need us to clear a scene, think about how often you have to call us for back up and then wonder what happens if we all are somehow occupied elsewhere."
Again he stopped and Gil, having the feeling that he wasn't done yet, didn't answer. He was right and soon enough the cold voice continued.
"Think about what could happen if we overlooked something while clearing a scene, small mistakes can happen all the time."
Grissom saw the triumphant smile in the other man's face but he wasn't fazed himself and so his voice was just as cold, just as hard yet without the underlying emotions of hate as he answered.
"It this how you do your job?"
The grey haired man looked at him once again with undisguised contempt, before he leaned in almost crowding Grissom through the window.
"Think about it Mr. Grissom and then think about what could happen to your lover."
The way he spoke the last word showed all the disgust he felt at the thought of two men loving each other, but Grissom didn't notice, he was frozen as the real threat the other man had uttered finally trickled in.
He had made an enemy within the police corps and if he wasn't careful, Nick would have to pay for it. Shivering he thought about the past couple of months since their relationship had become public knowledge. They had never flaunted it, had never even kissed in the office, but of course bits and pieces of his talk with the sheriff and of the case with Lower had slipped through and since neither he nor Nick commented on any of the rumours they had grown a life of their own.
Gil drove slowly carefully, knowing that his focus wasn't as much on the street as it should be as he contemplated the spiteful words and the implicit threat in it.
Should he tell Nick about it?
Some part of him argued, that it wasn't necessary, that it would only concern Nick, but another part of him remembered the discussion he had had with Nick when his lover had discovered his hearing problem.
'To be in a relationship, to be in love means more than fall in bed together, it means to share and to communicate.'
It had been their first real argument, the first time he had seen Nick upset about something he had done or caused and for the first time he had realized that he only because he had found Nick, it didn't mean that he couldn't lose him and that realization had hit him hard.
'To share and communicate'
The memory of his promise settled it, he would talk with Nick.
---
Nick smiled when he walked inside the house and smelled coffee, it seemed as if Gil had gotten to finish earlier than him. Since his lover had handed over his administrative duties he'd managed to get away from the office more and more and Nick had often come home to the smell of coffee and the sight of Gil sitting at the computer working on a new article.
He felt silly about it, but the first time he had seen an article published that he had proofread he had glowed with pride. Gil had just smiled at his embarrassment and kissed him long and deep. Then out of the blue his lover had asked him, if Nick had never thought about publishing something himself. Thinking back to that morning Nick grinned lightly.
"Me publishing? About what?"
Gil shrugged his shoulders, then he pointed towards the many ornithology books Nick had.
"Remember that case about the crow we found with an eyes? Why don't you try and find out if there have been other cases like this, there could be a pattern, something we haven't seen because it was only one case."
He hadn't been convinced, but had contacted a few labs and now three months later, he was co-writing a paper about bird species that seemed to be attracted to blood and their influence on crime scenes. Shaking his head, Nick walked around the corner towards Gil's work room.
"Nick?"
It was only then, that he saw his lover sitting on the couch. Gil looked at him with a troubled look and immediately, Nick was concerned. He could feel that something had happened, could see that his lover was disturbed by something. Sitting down gently, he caressed the tense shoulders and kissed the tender skin where his neck connected with his hair line.
"What's wrong love?"
Immediately the tension was back and Nick could almost feel Gil steeling himself before speaking, sighing lightly he kept his soothing motion up.
"I had a rather uncomfortable encounter with Officer Formansky after the interrogation."
Nick felt Gil's hand on his shoulders drawing him towards his lover and he let himself be tugged and held close, inside though he was tense himself. Gil hadn't acted this scared, this protective since the first days after the Lower case. Anxiety rose in him, but he didn't show any emotion, just listened.
"He told me to think about how often I would need him or a colleague to clear a scene, think about how often I would have to call them for back up and then wonder what happens if they all were somehow occupied elsewhere."
The anger and fury that rose at those words could not be masked and Nick jumped up.
"This asshole can't be serious, I mean fuck them, what a right did he have to threaten you?"
Gil just sat there and reached out for him, his eyes were still clouded, still scared and those emotions made Nick calm down and sit down again. This time though it was him who held Gil not the other way round.
"He said I should think about what could happen to me in such a case..."
Gil's voice trailed off with a tremble and Nick knew immediately what the police officer had said. There was only one thing that could bring this specific kind of trembling in Gris' voice. It was when a threat concerned him.
"... or my lover."
He could physically feel how Gil shut him out after that last comment, how his body tensed in his arms and refused to give into the soothing touches. Nick sighed softly, his lover had a tendency to feel responsible for everything especially when it concerned Nick. Caressing the grey hair, the soft skin he leaned in and kissed Gil's forehead, his eyes, his cheeks feeling how the muscles slowly relaxed and gave into the hold.
"Don't think about it now, you know that all the detectives we work with are behind us, you know that Jim has our backs. Hell, if he knew about this, Fromansky would be back on the streets distributing parking tickets."
His comment got a tired chuckle and Gil turned in his arms.
"Maybe we should have kept it a secret."
They had discussed this a couple of times and as always Nick's answer was the same.
"How would we have done that? Did you want to lie to them and have them find out from Lower? Gil, we didn't chose to come out, but we are and I am glad that we are."
Nick knew that Gil was a more private person than him and that his lover felt bad about being in the focus of rumours and whispers behind his back. Tightening his hold on Gil, he smiled lightly, the rumours and whispers had always been there, Gil's privacy and his aloofness had caused them more than any scandal would have been able to, but Nick knew too that now it was different, he knew that Gil's fear was nothing but insecurity, insecurity if he, Nick would stay if things got rough...
"I won't run at the first problem, Gil, I love you and I am here to stay."
The tension in his lover's body told him that he had been right with his assumption and once again he caressed the grey hair softly before murmuring.
"I have waited years for you, do you really think I would give you up again?"
Gently he disentangled himself and reaching out he led the older man towards the bedroom. Once there he turned around and hugged Gil tightly, possessively before capturing the soft lips with a hard kiss.
"I told you when we made love the first time. You are mine..."
Gil's eyes were fixed on his hands as he slowly undressed and as always to be in the intense focus of Gil's eyes was a huge turn on for Nick. He shivered as he felt the look like a tangible caress on his body, standing with his chest bare, he once again caressed Gil's face only to find his hand captured and soft, yet passionate kisses rained on the palm. Gil's eyes were burning as he looked up.
"I need you now Nick, he threatened you, I need to feel you."
The words and the look alone would one day made him come, Nick was sure of that and somehow that knowledge wasn't as embarrassing as he would have expected. Quickly he slipped out of his remaining clothes and lay down on the bed, his eyes feasting on Gil as the older man came closer.
"One day, I will pin you against the table in the trace lab..."
The comment came out of nowhere and went straight to his cock, Nick felt the ability of speech flee at the same moment as Grissom kissed him, their kiss was like always full of emotions but not too soft to be girly, Gil's lips were soft but not weak, they were strong and didn't yield easily sparking their passion even higher as they mock battled for dominance.
Nick felt the love that bound them in the kiss but suddenly he needed to see it in Gil's eyes. He raised his hand and briefly touched his lover's face tenderly. It was as if he was confirming this was not a dream before he moved in again.
The world seemed to simply fall away except for the two of them. The fear Gil had felt still had him in its grip and Nick felt it in the desperate way he clung to him, the frantic way Gil kissed him. It was as if Gil wanted to show Nick everything through that kiss. His heart his soul, everything that he was.
Nick felt as if his heart was a trapped bird fluttering against his chest, his thoughts spinning wildly. He softly ended the kiss and smiled as he heard the complaining moan from Gil.
"I am glad you waited for me."
Gil's lips slid across Nick's jaw nipping, biting, kissing, and claiming his way down his neck to his collar bone. Nick gasped at the assault and his hips thrust forward to grind against his lover the words barely registering at first, then he chuckled.
"I had no chance but to wait. I never wanted to fall for you, but you were... are... just everything I want."
"Oh God…Nick."
Gil breathed against his skin and Nick could feel him tremble. Slowly he pushed him back and then let his hands move along overheated skin, soft and tender first then with more and more power and heat.
"Gil."
Blue eyes met his at the silent whisper, eyes that were dancing with a mixture of love and lust.
"I feel like I am being consumed from the inside out, God Nick I've missed you…wanted you today so much."
The quiet admission made Nick tremble and he shivered even more as Gil started to reciprocate the touches and strokes, mapping his chest and his back as thoroughly as he would a crime scene.
"Gil…please…I need you…please."
Gil looked up at the passionate plea.
"Nick, you don't have to beg you never have to ask."
Gil's whisper made him moan as at the same time his lover's hot mouth travelled down his chest, down his stomach leaving a trail of fire until he reached his destination. The feeling of Gil going down on him was something Nick knew that he would never get used to; he gasped and bucked his hips up off the bed as Gil's lips closed around the head of his cock.
"Gil."
It wasn't really a word more a sound and Nick moaned again as he thrust up into the heat, unable to control his movements. Gil was a pro in this and Nick had dreamed of this for so long, that even now after several months together it still was unbelievable.
"Promise me to be careful at the crime scenes."
Gil whispered as he looked up and released him. Nick couldn't help but smile at him as he felt all his feeling build up and bubble to surface.
"I will, I promise."
Then he couldn't help himself and before he thought the words were out of his mouth.
"Odd request when someone has your dick in their mouth."
Gil grinned at the slight teasing and returned his attention to Nick's cock. Nick still smiled at the comment, but the smile turned into a scream when Gil's throat constricted around him. Oh God!
"Gil…please I'm not gonna last this way."
His lover hummed around his cock and Nick threw his head back as the heat and love exploded in multiple colours as he came.
Coming down from his high, he felt a slick finger sliding into his body and arched against the intruder trying to take it further. He felt sated and yet anxious to have Gil inside him but his muscles didn't cooperate with his wishes and so he could only watch as his lover slicked his cock, shifted his position and then Gil's eyes locked on him and Nick didn't know that made his head spin more the passion in the blue eyes or the incredible feeling of becoming one with Gil.
Gil bit his bottom lip and began thrusting forward slightly…slowly. Nick could see that his lover wanted this to last but the frenzy that had captured him before got hold of him again and the pleasure began to overwhelm both of them. Gil moved and shifted Nick around, sliding even deeper in and Nick gasped at the connection that seemed to come alive as he felt Gil's body cover him. His lover's frenzy passed over to him and suddenly he was clutching, clawing, claiming, trying to crawl under Gil's skin.
Gil tensed and his entire body went rigid before he screamed his release and the heat deep inside his body pushed Nick over once again. He felt Gil move out, heard the rustle of tissues and then the soft caresses as he was cleaned. Felt Gil's strong body next to his, but he was too exhausted to do or say anthing. In the end he just snuggled closer as he closed his eyes.
----
Warrick knew that people that didn't know him and Nick probably thought they hated each other's guts. The way they worked together was competitive and both being alpha males they had their shares of head butting over the time, but if asked, Warrick would never deny the simple and plain truth.
Nick was his best friend.
First he had been scared that Nick's relationship with Gil would put a dent into their friendship, after all he had seen it with all his other buddies. Once they were in a relationship, they called less, their wild nights out got fewer and one day he would delete the phone number after not having heard from them for ever.
So he had been more than surprised when Nick had shown up at his flat on Sunday a six pack in his right hand, a large bag of crisps in the left sporting his trade mark grin and... a large hickey.
"Ready for the game?"
If Nick had noticed his surprise, he hadn't said anything and now three months since ‘it' had happened Warrick and Nick still were best friends.
They still argued about what kind of music was 'cool' and although the styles they rooted for had changed, they still didn't agree. Warrick was the old-school-jazz and hip hop person, someone who still didn't really approve of boy bands singing Frank Sinatra songs while Nick was the typical rock and mainstream listener. And so it was no big surprise that they usually discussed the radio station in the Tahoe quite heatedly.
"Ok, I yield we listen to this and you shut up."
Warrick grinned while he said it, his voice exaggerating the annoyance and from the grin he saw on Nick's face he knew that his friend understood. They had been called out to a crime scene right towards the end of their shift; a robbery had taken place in a corner store leaving the cashier shot and the money gone.
Stopping his car close to the yellow tape, Nick got out and grabbed his kit before he followed Warrick towards the shop. Two cops were standing outside giving them the all clear sign as they walked towards them, Vega who had called for the CSIs was no where seen.
"Is Detective Vega around?"
Warrick just walked up to hear Nick's question and see the two uniformed men look up. Nick must have seen the sneer on their faces at the same time as Warrick, but instead of getting angry Warrick could see his friend tensing as he braced himself for a comment, but they only pointed towards the store. It wasn't until they walked past them and put on their gloves before entering the crime scene, that Warrick heard the comment.
"Latex gloves, must feel like at home in his job this fucking faggot."
He had anticipated a comment and so had Nick, but from the look that crossed his friend's face it still hurt, still felt as if someone had slapped him and Warrick stopped as if he had run into a wall. Narrowing his eyes he turned around ready to read the riot act to this two dumbass uniforms, when Nick's hand on his arm stopped him.
"Leave it Rick"
Nick didn't speak loud, but the plea in his eyes was louder than if he had been shouting.
"You can't be serious!"
The fact that he lowered his voice was solely for Nick's benefit and when he saw the sad smile in the dark eyes, he really wanted to walk over to the bigoted assholes and...
"Warrick, if you fight them, you just get drawn into this. It's... it's not worth it."
For a long time, he was tempted to argue but then Vega saw them and smiling grimly he started to show them around in the store. Yet, even as he was dusting for prints and trying to understand what had happened in the non descript seven-eleven, Warrick couldn't forget Nick's last words.
‘It's not worth it'
It wasn't what Nick had said that bothered him, it was what he hadn't said. Because although Nick had said ‘it', what he had meant had been ‘I'. Sending a glance over to his friend, Warrick decided that he would wait to the end of their shift and then he and his best friend would have a serious chat.
And he would deal with the idiots outside later.
---
"Nick, you're coming for breakfast"
Warrick's voice made it clear that it wasn't a question, but an order and as Nick looked up he saw his friend staring at him. Shrugging he reasoned that it wasn't worth fighting with Warrick over something as simple as breakfast and so he nodded.
"Just have to tell Gil, that we're going. He tends to worry..."
Especially now, but Nick didn't add this, he didn't want to add those dark thoughts to the ones that obviously plagued Warrick already. He had an idea what his friend wanted to talk about, and felt anticipation rise in him at the thought.
What if Warrick was inviting him for breakfast to break it gently that he was calling off their friendship?
Was he about to lose his best friend because of his relationship with Gil?
He wasn't hungry, his stomach felt tied in knots with worry, but he didn't argue with Warrick as his friend ordered the large American breakfast for two. The coffee came instantly and taking a sip, Nick braced himself, before he asked quietly.
"Do you have a problem with me and Gil being an item?"
Warrick's look would have been funny, if the topic hadn't been so serious. He had been about to take a sip, when Nick had asked his question and now he seemed frozen, the cup still in mid-air, his mouth open as he stared at Nick incredulously.
"Come again?"
Nick's hand fussed with the napkin folding it up and picking it apart until Warrick's hand covered his stilling it. The feeling of the strong grip made him look up surprised and the sadness in his eyes made his heart clench.
"Do you think that of me?"
And for a second Nick was tempted to say no, just to get the sad look to disappear from Warrick's eyes, he knew though, that his friend would see through a lie.
"I don't know..."
He saw the anger that rose in the green eyes and now it was him who gripped Warrick's hand, holding onto it as if his life depended on it. He had to explain or he would lose Warrick.
"Please Rick, let me explain. When I first found out that I was gay, I told my then best friend about it. You know, it freaked me out and I just wanted to talk to someone. He was always a liberal person, so I figured he'd not judge me..."
Nick felt himself been drawn back to the past and heard Fred's words all over again.
"He told me that he never wanted to see me again, shouted at me, when I touched him, called me a sinner and worse... Can you imagine how devastated I was? I went home, opened the door and saw my parents standing there looking at me shocked... He'd called them to let them know about the rotten egg in their midst..."
His words failed him as he remembered the reaction of his parents, how they had turned from him, how alone he had felt. Warrick was looking at him and once again there was sadness in his eyes, sadness and surprisingly enough understanding.
"I didn't think you would react like this, but then I didn't expect Fred to do so either..."
Once again he didn't know what to say and bit his lips.
"Hey, Nick."
Warrick was smiling and that alone made Nick smile too as he realized that maybe he hadn't lost his friend yet.
"I'm not angry and no, you and Gil are not a problem for me. I mean, I knew about your crush on Gil for a while, just never figured you would have to courage to say anything."
Relief spread through him and with the relief came hunger. Nick dove into his food with the same enthusiasm as Warrick, enjoying the taste of crisp bacon and sinfully fatty waffles. For a while they just ate, commented on the food and on the day until the waitress cleared their table and Nick once again looked up.
"So, why did you order me for breakfast?"
Warrick looked at his hands for a moment and Nick saw how he seemed to calculate what to say. Then looking up again Warrick began to speak.
"Why don't you want me to fight on your behalf?"
He was referring to the episode with the cops and with a shrug, Nick repeated the words he had spoken before.
"It's not worth it, all that would happen is that you'd get called a fag too and hassled when working on crimes."
His friend was silent, then looking up Nick saw that Warrick had just figured something out.
"This has happened to you before, hasn't it?"
Nick remembered the taunts, the non-communication, the name calling and closing his eyes at the memories, he nodded.
"You remember when I told you about Fred? Well my parents weren't the only one he told... When I applied for the police department, they couldn't turn me down not with the credentials I had and the background of my family, but gosh sometimes I wished they would have..."
He didn't say anything else, but he could see from Warrick's eyes that the other man could imagine what had happened and true to this thought, Warrick asked quietly.
"Was this the reason you came here?"
Was it? Nick wasn't sure, it certainly had been the reason why he'd gone back to university and done his science degree, why he had left the PD and joined the CSI team. But had it been what had driven him away from Texas?
"Not completely or let's say not the taunts, the name-calling etc. But you know, I felt as if I would never be able to be completely me in Dallas..."
"Because back there you always had to worry about your family?"
Nick nodded while he absently stirred his coffee.
"And your parents?"
He smiled at the uncertainty he heard in Warrick's question. It was obvious, that the other CSI wasn't sure if the question was to personal and maybe for Warrick it would have been. Nick though didn't mind especially since that particular story had a happy ending.
"I left their house on the same night after Fred had called them and moved in with my eldest sister. She's been the alternative black sheep and immediately took me under her wing. Then two weeks later when I came home one night, Mom and Dad were there. I could see that Mom had been crying and even Dad looked very, very upset. First I thought, something had happened to one my sisters, but then they simply apologized for casting me out... I guess they were more shocked that night and they had been raised with their old beliefs of gays... It took some time for me to forgive them, but in the end..."
Nick shrugged and blushed lightly at the amused glance in Warrick's face, a blush that intensified when Warrick finished his words.
"In the end, you are Nick and of course you forgave them."
Again he shrugged, then though turning serious again, Warrick faced Nick straight on once more.
"Nick, you have to tell Brass about the harassment, he has to know, because you never know if it escalates, you see?"
Shivering Nick remembered what Gil had told him and with a split decision he started to tell Warrick about it. The rage in the dark face took him aback and he startled when Warrick slammed his fist onto the table.
"And you're both not going to report him? Fuck Nick, he threatened you and Gil!"
Nick understood Warrick's rage, but he also knew that there wasn't much he could do and shrugging he tried to explain how he was caught in a catch 22 situation.
"If I report them, then make myself even more enemies... if I don't report them, they will see us as weak and exploit this weakness..."
Defeat made his shoulders slump and he shook his head.
"What should I do Warrick?"
---
"Brass, you have a second for me?"
Jim had just wanted to clock off and go home when Ecklie walked into his office. He rolled his eyes and nodded curtly. He was tired and didn't want to deal with the other man, he feared that he was too tired to keep up the façade he had worn ever since that night after they had closed the Lower case.
"Come in although I was just about to leave."
He saw the quick smile that ran over Ecklie's face and forced himself to look annoyed when the other man simply closed the door and sat down. He couldn't understand the attraction he felt cause after all he didn't even like Conrad and yet there was something about him that made Jim want to get much closer.
"Ok, so what's this about?"
Ecklie looked slightly annoyed at the cold treatment he got, but then looked with an equally cool gaze at Jim.
"I heard how your men are harassing Stokes and Grissom."
It was not what Jim had expected and maybe his face betrayed his surprise.
"Why do you even care?"
There was a flash of hurt behind the cold blue eyes, but it was gone too quickly and for a moment Brass wondered if he'd just imagined it.
"Cause I can't stand bigots."
Cold eyes, cold words and with a sneer on his face, Ecklie got up, yet at the door turned around again.
"You better talk to them and your men, if not I know you're one of them too."
He left without saying good-bye and for a long time Jim just stood there dumbstruck. Then he got up to look for Gil and Nick, yet while he drove over to the crime labs, he still wondered about one thing.
He had been attracted to men and women alike for the last thirty years of his life. How had he suddenly become the bad guy?
The talk with Nick last night had soothed Gil's fears and to see his lover at work, interacting as usual with everyone made him realize how stupid he had been. Nick loved him and if there was one thing about the Texan that he had known even before they had gotten together, it was the fact that Nick wasn't a quitter.
No, he mused as his eyes followed his tarantula as the large spider slowly crawled over his desk, no, Nick wasn't someone who quit as soon as the honey moon period was over, if he had been, he would have left the CSI lab long ago.
Nick had staying power and as he had told him last night. He had waited for Gil, had waited for him to come out of his shell and say something. Gil felt his heart beat faster that that thought, the knowledge that Nick cared, no not only cared, loved him just as much as he, Gil loved Nick.
"Grissom, do you have a second?"
Sara's voice sounded excited and he saw the sparkle in her eyes that she always had, when she was close to a break through in a case. They were working a hit and run, the victim, a thirty year old man had left two children and they were searching frantically for the driver. Now Sara looked at him and pointed towards the enlarged picture of a shard of glass.
"See this? First I thought it was just dirt, but now I've looked at it closer and realized it's a stamp from the manufacturer."
He smiled at her excitement, glad that she seemed happy and suddenly he noticed that the awkwardness he had always felt around her was gone. She no longer wanted something from him that he couldn't give her.
"I've looked at the database, it's a German company and they pretty much exclusively equip BMWs with their products. So at least that narrows it down a bit."
Gil nodded and remembered the flecks of colour they had found.
"If we get the details on the colour spectrum we can run a query for all BMW with the found colour and the owners, maybe we can get a number that is manageable."
Sara beamed at him and he grinned before he left the lab to make sure Greg hadn't forgotten about their case in between everything else. On his way there he walked past Nick and immediately saw the slightly slumped shoulders of his lover, the barely covered pain in his eyes. His heart hurt at the image Nick gave and without thinking he called out for him. Nick stopped and smiled his smile genuine and loving.
"Something wrong?"
For a short moment pain darkened his lover's expressive eyes, then he shook his head.
"Nothing important."
He wanted to press on, listen to the insistent voice, sounding a lot like Catherine, that told him to draw it out from Nick, but he had never meddled in other peoples affairs and he wasn't going to start now. He could always ask Nick after their shift.
"Warrick wants to go for breakfast and discuss the case and then I have to run laundry. I'll call you when I'm done ok?"
There was a dark undertone in Nick's voice and it made Gil shiver in unease. Quickly glancing up and down the corridor, he reached out to caress his lover's face only to have Nick withdraw from the touch. The hurt that shot through him like lightening was unexpected and Gil knew that Nick had seen it, when a soft hand found his and squeezed it hard.
"Sorry Gil; just had a shitty night. I'll tell you later."
The soft touch soothed the hurt and with a smile he looked at his lover.
"Just call me, when you want me to come over ok?"
Nick's face lit up and Gil realized once again how every small gesture from him still seemed to cause so much happiness in Nick. He felt humbled to be loved like this and although the withdrawal was still fresh in his mind, he reached out once again.
This time Nick didn't move away, instead closed his eyes savouring the contact.
"See you soon."
Gil's eyes followed Nick as he left the building. The sense of something wrong was still there and he promised himself that he would find out when he saw Nick again.
---
Sara had seen Nick enter the building. But even more she had seen the tired, sad way Nick had looked, had seen the darkness under his eyes. She was concerned and was about to follow her colleague when Gil stepped out of another corner and started talking to Nick.
For a moment, the love she saw in Gil's face made her heart hurt. She had dreamed of seeing this kind of love in his eyes, but in her dreams he had looked at her not Nick. When she had found out during the Lower case, she had pushed it aside, had not allowed herself to feel shock or hurt, knowing that it would distract her from the case.
It had only been after, when at the breakfast, Grissom had calmly announced the changes in the department, changes that he had made in order to be with Nick that the hurt had set in, a hurt that had escalated to anger and rage. She had left that morning and wanted nothing but scream at everyone, but Catherine had not let her do it, had instead insisted on driving her home, had listened to her vent and finally when she had nothing else to say and the tears had come, the older woman had held her close.
"I never had a chance did I?"
Catherine had smiled at her final sad statement and shook her head.
In the weeks that followed Sara had come to terms with the fact that while she had lost Grissom as a potential lover, she still had him as a friend and the fact that Nick didn't seem to mind if she and Grissom discussed cases after work, made it even easier.
Now standing in the door watching them, Sara realized that she could never have been what Grissom needed; she was too much like him. Nick on the other hand, Nick was different, he cared about people, cared about emotions and he knew how to give and take.
Smiling, Sara was wondering if she would ever find someone like Nick, when a sudden movement made her almost gasp. Grissom had reached out to caress Nick's face and the younger man almost violently jerked his head away.
For a moment Sara just stared, the movement was so unlike Nick that her breath caught, then feeling like an intruder she left and walked to her locker deep in thought.
"What's eating at you?"
Warrick was leaning against his locker, his hair still slightly wet, his jacket thrown easily over his shoulder. He looked ready to leave and at Sara's entry he looked up.
"Something is wrong with Nick..."
She didn't really want to go into more detail, but it seemed to be enough information as Warrick's face froze and a dangerous green fire started to burn in his eyes.
"Nick got shit from the cops that were watching the scene; it was pretty nasty shit they said. I wanted to intervene, but you know how he is, he held me back immediately..."
Sara felt her blood starting to boil, Warrick hadn't said anything, but it didn't take a genius to understand what the 'shit' had been about. She twisted hands in impotent rage and swore to herself. Warrick chuckled at her expression.
"Next time you're out with him and something like this happens, let me know."
It was only when she said it, that she realized how dark and threatening her voice sounded, but at the same time, she meant everything she said. Nick was someone special, he was a friend and she was someone who would fight for her friends.
---
Gil saw Sara leave and waited while Greg got him the last results. When, finally, the young lab-rat got him his analysis, he looked it over and called Brass with the information. The Captain promised to have the list ready by the start of the next shift and tired but satisfied Gil left his office.
It was only when he passed the small diner that he remembered that Nick would not be home. He didn't fancy a lonely breakfast and, in a spur of the moment decision, he parked his car and got into the diner.
It had the old, cosy feeling of an old school diner, no fanciful colours, no loud music, just wooden tables and booths where the patrons sat reading papers or chatting with friends.
Gil walked towards the bar, when he saw them and within seconds his entire world seemed to collapse.
Nick and Warrick.
His Nick sat opposite Warrick in a booth, and his rational mind told him, that he had known Nick was going for breakfast with his friend, but he couldn't listen to the rational mind, couldn't for once force himself to analyse... He stood in the middle of the diner frozen, his heart screaming in anguish as he saw Warrick reach out and cover Nick's hand with his.
He ran then, ran away from the reality he couldn't face, ran until he was in his car. Once there he felt his body starting to shake, his hands almost trembling too much to turn the key in the ignition. When he finally managed to start the car, he drove away too fast leaving dark trails in the parking spot.
His eyes were blurry, he didn't see much and once he parked his car in his garage, he stumbled out of it, his world spinning as he swayed on his way towards the couch. Gil was tired, his bones were aching, but as he walked into his room, he saw the still rumpled sheets, saw Nick's shirt on the floor and with a shudder he went back to the living room.
It were the same images that showed themselves in front of his eyes again and again... He saw Warrick taking Nick's hand, but in his mind it didn't stop at that, instead he saw Warrick's lips press a kiss on the back of Nick's hand, saw Nick's shiver with desire and lean over the booth to kiss the other CSI.
No!!!
The images screeched at a halt as his brain interrupted him and told him that Nick would never cheat on him like this, that only yesterday Nick had shown him how much he loved Gil.
And trying to think clearly he started to look at the evidence he had. Nick had held Warrick's hand in a diner, no, his brain corrected him, and Warrick had held Nick's hand. That was significant, wasn't it?
Was that the only evidence he had?
Relief spread through him, when his heart reminded him of how Nick had withdrawn from him just a couple of hours ago.
'Isn't that significant, that he can't stand your touch at the same morning when he then sits cosily with Warrick in a diner?'
He shivered once again in despair; he couldn't lose Nick, not now, not after finding him, after surviving the whole ordeal with Lower... He felt cold and weak... his mind seemed to be frozen, unable to understand what happened and maybe that was why he listened to his heart, his frightened, terrified heart that told him that he already had lost his lover...
"Why did I even believe differently?"
He whispered the question and was shocked when as if in an answer, his phone rang. Slowly he reached out and read the caller ID.
Nick.
Once again he saw Warrick reach out and cover Nick's hand and with tears in his eyes he pressed a button.
'Reject'
---
"Brown, how can I help you?"
Brass was surprised at the anger and hostility coming off in waves from Warrick. Maybe it was those emotions that made him a bit harsher than intended, but after his meeting with Ecklie he was weary and tired.
The accusation of the other CSI had hurt him more than he would ever admit, even worse now that he had finally admitted his attraction to the dayshift supervisor.
Warrick stood in the door and looked at him questioningly. Then he walked inside and with a smile Brass wondered once again how Warrick always managed to look as if his legs were somehow too long for him and yet at the same time moved with an incredible grace
"I am not sure about what I am doing here."
He noticed immediately that the anger and hostility had evaporated and in their place was insecurity. It was an emotion he had never really associated with the tall CSI and questioningly he looked at him to continue.
"Nick would kill me, if he knew I was here."
Brass held his breath, Nick again... Shaking his head, he asked himself if Nick knew how many friends he had in this department, how many people were willing to put their career, even their life at risk for him. He knew the answer already, Nick had no idea, of course he would do so without even blinking for every single one of them and had done so more than once, but somehow he didn't seem to value himself high enough to merit the same sacrifices.
"We were harassed at the crime scene tonight, or let's better say, Nick was..."
The detailed account of what happened was worse than listening to Ecklie's accusations, it hurt, it simply hurt to hear and find out how many bigots worked in his own department and for a moment Brass felt as if the taunts had been hurled at him.
'And if I were more honest in my life, then they would'
He had no illusions, his job and career would be ruined if the truth about his desires ever came out. Listening intently he tensed as he heard how Fromansky had threatened Gil. Then there was silence and Brass could feel Warrick's eyes on him. Finally he looked up and saw the concern for both Nick and Gil in the green eyes.
"I will do what I can, but you know that unless Nick or Gil make a formal complaint, I can't do anything."
Warrick nodded, but it seemed to Brass that he had shrunk a bit in disappointment; sighing again he looked up and smiled lightly.
"I know that Vega and O'Reilly have no issues with them, neither have I of course, so I'll make sure they know about the threats and the taunts. Next time they will be prepared and act appropriately."
Slowly the CSI opposite him got up and nodded. Warrick looked as tired as Brass felt when he turned around at the door.
"There shouldn't be anything to be prepared for... Why can't they understand that love is love no matter what gender?"
There was a deep pain in Warrick's words, but he left before Brass could comment on it, leaving the Captain to ponder where the pain had its roots and whether Warrick had experienced something like that before.
---
Gil had rejected his call.
Nick stared at the phone dumbfounded before he once again called his lover. He had driven home too fast, had rushed through his laundry with one goal, to see Gil and feel his arms around him.
In Gil's arms he felt safe and after the conversation with Warrick, he needed this feeling, needed the security that in this damn shitty world there was someone who cared about him.
Oh, he knew that Warrick cared too, his friend had made that clear during their breakfast, but the memory of how his 'friends' had reacted back in Texas, how some of his relatives still didn't speak with him, how even his own sister had disowned him... Warrick's assurance had helped but the wounds had been reopened again, bleeding and raw and he needed his lover.
And now Gil had rejected his call.
Trembling slightly, he pressed once again on the speed dial and waited for his lover to pick up only to hear the dial tone change into the occupied beeping, the message clear.
Gil didn't want to speak to him.
"What have I done?"
Honestly, Nick had no idea. Maybe Gil was still annoyed that he had not allowed the caress at first, but it had been an instinctive reaction to the harsh, hurtful words he had just heard. Maybe Gil had had a shitty day and was just tired...
'Maybe I am too clingy and he needs his space, his time alone.'
Another voice, a darker one rose in his mind, telling him that he wasn't good enough for Gil anyway and that he should have expected this end, but he squashed it violently and told himself that he was good enough, that he did deserve to be loved and that he would fight for Gil.
Grabbing the keys from his table he walked out and back into the car.
"I waited so many years for you Gil; I am not going to let you go again."
Despite the proud words he was nervous though as he knocked at his lover's door, somehow not sure if he should use the key or not. When Gil opened he gasped lightly, his lover's eyes were red and swollen, and his face was pale.
"Gil, what has happened to you?"
Nick felt his heart constrict at the pain that flashed through his lover's eyes as he asked the question. He carefully reached out and cupped the pale face with his hands. Something had shaken Gil and he wanted nothing but to make the hurt go away, gently he pushed his lover inside and closed the door. Once they were hidden from prying eyes he enclosed Gil in his arms, softly he kissed the older man's forehead and murmured soothing words in his ears.
"It's ok, what ever it was, it will be ok, Gil, you are strong and I am here..."
He felt Gil tense in his arms and it was as if suddenly walls stood between him and the man he loved. Gil's eyes were emotionless as he looked at him and with a shiver Nick realized that this was Grissom, the CSI looking at him and not Gil his lover.
"You are here Nick, now, but for how long? How long until you realize that I am nothing but an old man? How long until I you have had enough?"
When Gil started to talk, Nick had had first not believed what he heard. But the more Gil said, the more he felt as if every single word was like the slash of a knife cutting into him, making him bleed and he wondered if Gil saw the pain in his eyes. But as Gil turned away after falling silent, he realized that Gil hadn't even looked.
He tried to speak, but there were no words he could say and when he finally managed to get up and walk towards Gil all he could do was plead with him.
"Gil, I love you, I told you only yesterday, I won't leave, I am here to stay..."
He hated how his voice shook as he tried to reach out for his lover, but Gil just looked at him and the coldness in the blue eyes made him tremble.
"I think you should leave Nick, we can talk about this tomorrow."
Nick left as if in trance, he had no idea how he had found the way back to his flat, but as he looked at the bed he hadn't slept in alone for over four months now, he couldn't hold the tears back anymore.
What had happened to turn Gil into this cold man that wouldn't even look in his eyes anymore?
"What has happened?"
The empty room didn't answer him and when he finally fell asleep alone he reached out for his lover even in his dreams only to come up empty and wake up frightened.
"I don't understand"
But once again, there was nothing but silence to his desperate words.
---
Catherine was used to see her colleagues with dark rings under their eyes, used to see them more looking more like corpses themselves after having worked multiple shifts, even though she took as step back in shock when she saw Nick at the start of her shift.
Nick was pale, he had dark rings under his eyes, but what was even worse was that his entire body language screamed of how sad the younger man was. Normally there was always a light around the Texan, an air of happiness even in the hardest cases, something that made his eyes sparkle and his smile genuine. But tonight the light was dimmed, the smile didn't reach his eyes, worse even it barely reached his lips and it so fake that it hurt to see it.
"Nicky, are you ok?"
Sara's concerned question was answered with yet another of those fake smiles before he shrugged and brushed her off.
"Didn't sleep much"
Normally such a comment would have resulted in merciless teasing, but tonight there just was silence after Nick's words. It was as if everyone seemed to notice that Nick would not be able to stomach those jokes. Looking at the team, Catherine swore as she saw Grissom come their way, looking just as bad as Nick and some things fell into place.
Had they had a fight?
If so, why hadn't they talked about it? Nick had once told her that Grissom had finally understood that the key rule of any relationship was talking and communicating. Had he been wrong?
"Catherine, you and I are on a murder case in Henderson. Warrick, Sara you've got a shooting in a petrol station. Nick, contact Brass, he's got a robbery downtown."
Catherine saw how Nick looked at Gil, his eyes were visibly pleading with the older man to say something else, to somehow acknowledge him. Her breath stopped when she noticed how the older man wasn't even looking at his lover. What had happened to make Nick look so hurt, so desperate and Grissom so cold? Sighing she walked outside towards her car before she turned around and called her boss.
"Grissom, we take my car, you drive"
And she would talk, ask and prod until she had found out what was going on.
---
"Gosh Nicky, what has happened to you?"
Brass realized the moment when he said it, that it had been the wrong thing to say, but he couldn't take his words back now and for a moment he waited while Nick composed himself. The cool CSI again, the younger man looked over to the house and then at Brass.
"Robbery or Insurance fraud?"
It was a valid question and Brass shrugged.
"That's for you to find out."
Nick grinned at him and he was relieved to see a bit of the younger man's normal personality to come back. Brass didn't linger on Nick's obvious distress, he didn't know the other man good enough to act as his confident and knowing Nick, he had probably talked to Warrick or would soon.
"Hey guys, is the house cleared?"
The two uniformed cops looked up as Nick approached them and Brass watched them closely for any signs of harassment or even the slightest comment. They seemed friendly though as they told Nick that indeed the house was clear and all his.
Relief spread through Brass, it was good to know that not all cops were bigots. He turned towards Nick and as the CSI told him he'd first check out the back garden and the back door since that had been where the thief had entered the house.
Nodding friendily at Nick first and then at the cops, Brass walked inside the house to take a look never noticing the shocked expression of the uniformed men supposed to guard them.
---
Of all detectives to work with, Brass was the best and the worst in such a situation. Best because he cared and let him be without complaining to any of his superiors afterwards, worst because he knew Nick and where others would just let him mope, Brass would possibly ask questions once they were done with the house.
Sighing deeply, Nick pushed all thoughts of the previous morning and Gil's treatment tonight out of his mind as he concentrated on looking for traces of the robbery.
Looking around the garden, trying to get the big picture and see something that wasn't supposed to be there, Nick focused his mind on his training.
The footprint almost jumped at him and with a smile he first took a picture and then carefully made a mould from it.
"Sneaker, size 5.5"
He muttered silently as he walked towards the broken glass door, carefully avoiding stepping on anything of importance. There was a muddy hand print on the door and shaking his head at the stupidity of some people he took yet another picture and secured the print. This seemed to be a pretty straight forward thing and Nick already knew that he would be back in the office not before long.
"Had to be today, when I don't want to be idle."
Again the annoyed muttering was silent enough that no one but him heard it. He looked at the door handle, when the yell came from the house. It was Brass' voice and he froze as immediately after the exclamation a shot was heard. Running back to the front, he called the two cops and told them he heard a shot and that he would enter from the back door.
Nick wasn't waiting and didn't see the sneer in the officers faces as he drew his weapon and walked back to the garden. All his senses were focused on protecting himself and Brass, something had to have happened. If he were fine, Brass would have called out to him for everything to be alright. Slowly, carefully he opened the door trying to push the memories aside on how he had felt when Amy Hendler had pointed a gun at him, how he had feared for his life when Lower's sister had struck him with her weapon.
As he looked into the living room, the scene seemed frozen in time. A younger man, pale with blond shaggy hair stood over Brass' body, his weapon raised to finish the Captain off. Nick didn't realize how he went on automatic pilot as he raised his own weapon and warned the shooter.
"Freeze or I'll have to shoot you"
The junkie looked at him with wild eyes and he realized immediately that the other man was on a trip and didn't understand him. Then a crazy grin spread over the pale face as the man lifted his weapon and unlocked the barrel.
"You can't stop me"
The cackle of the other man's voice was manic and Nick reacted without thinking as he drew his own weapon and shot.
Time once again froze as he saw how the junkie was propelled backwards by the impact of the shot, heard the other man's gun go off, saw the bullet fly through the room aimlessly and then there was silence.
Nick stood there for a long time, not really realizing what had just happened, then though he ran towards Brass' body inwardly praying that he hadn't come too late. Gently he kneeled down next to the Captain and sighed in relief when he saw that Jim had his eyes open.
"Sorry for being late, I thought it was cleared..."
Only then did he notice that the two cops he had asked for help were nowhere to be seen and he paled, Brass weakly grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"Nicky, don't blame yourself, you've just saved my life. You did well Nick, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
His voice faded and frantic, Nick called the ambulance and pressed his hand on Brass' wound trying to still the blood from flowing. It might have been minutes or hours, Nick had lost all his sense of time, when the paramedic gently placed a hand on his shoulder.
"We have to move him, don't worry, he will be ok."
Nick walked outside like in trance when Ecklie stopped him.
"Nick, I need your weapon."
Confused he looked at the dayshift supervisor and was surprised to see compassion in the other man's eyes. It clicked then and he handed the gun over only now noticing how his hands shook.
"Nick, I want you to go home and lie down ok, dayshift has been called in to handle the shooting and the robbery. I will inform you about everything ok."
Ecklie's voice was still softer than usual and maybe that, more than anything else, tipped off that something was wrong.
"What is going on?"
He shivered as Ecklie looked at him closely, and led him away towards his vehicle.
"They," he pointed towards the cops with his head "they claim that you told Brass the house was clear without asking them and that you further didn't ask for help before entering the house. They suggest that from their view you shot the thief in cold blood..."
The world suddenly turned around him and if it hadn't been for Ecklie Nick would have fallen, the CSI held him firmly before he looked at him again. This time there was no compassion in his eyes only determination.
"Nick, I know that this is bullshit but until Brass is awake and can confirm your version of the story, all we can do is look for evidence to support you. So that's why I need you away from the scene..."
Nick got into his car and drove away like in trance. How had his life turned like this in not even twelve hours?
Twelve hours ago, he had been happy in his job, in love and felt blessed that Gil loved him too.
And now, he was alone driving towards a flat that didn't feel like his home anymore and was accused of negligence and murder.
The last thought made him shiver as he got out of his car and with tears in his eyes he grabbed his phone. The number was on speed dial one, but Nick wasn't surprised when no one picked up. Gil's voice came through announcing that he would call back as soon as possible. He doubted it, but was too broken to be proud anymore. His message was short and to the point.
"Gil I need you now."
Then he sank onto the floor wishing with all his heart that Gil would come to him and wake him from this nightmare.
---
Driving off with a silent Grissom, Cat promised herself not to interfere with him and Nick. And within the first ten minutes she broke her promise.
"Grissom what is going on? Yesterday you and Nick were so happy and today you both look terrible."
Grissom reacted as if he hadn't heard her and she had to force herself not to scream at him.
"Gris, I told you don't hurt him or we will hurt you."
This time she got a reaction and it was such a strong reaction that it shocked her. Grissom laughed harshly before a shiver went through his entire body and he became rigid. Cold and yet burning eyes looked at her as he spoke with a voice that screamed of his effort not to shout at her.
"It's funny how everyone seems to think that I am the one who will be hurting him. What if it is the other way round? What if he has already found someone better? Someone more like him?"
Cat couldn't believe what she heard, couldn't believe that this was the rational, scientific Gil Grissom talking and with a sigh she stopped at the side of the road. Looking at her old friend with a deep compassion she reached out and touched his shoulder.
"Gil, Nicky would never look at anyone else, why do you think he never had dates? Why do you think he was always alone? He was waiting for you all those years..."
She trailed off when she saw the pain in Grissom's eyes and he shook his head.
"I saw him and Warrick yesterday in a diner and they were holding hands."
That titbit shocked her because it sounded unlike Warrick, but at the same time she knew about the deep friendship between the two men.
"Did you ask Nick?"
Confused and hurt eyes gazed at her as Grissom shook his head.
"No."
And just like that Cat understood. Grissom had rebuilt his walls and shut Nick out, it was his way of dealing with pain, but this time he was causing more pain by doing so. But as she took a breath to speak, Gil stopped her.
"Don't Cat, I can't talk about it. Just, just leave me alone."
---
They heard about it on their way back from the scene and Sara almost drove into the waiting car in front of them. Right at the same time Cat called and let Sara know that Grissom was an idiot and not even thinking of talking to Nick. Growling she hit the wheel with her fist only to jump when she accidentally bumped the horn.
"Hey, hold on Sara, calm down."
She would have, had Warrick not sounded so shocked himself, shocked she realized and angry. Her second thought was confirmed immediately when her colleague slammed one fist onto the head board.
"Damn them"
It was only then that she understood his anger and the reason behind it.
Brass had been shot at scene, a scene that hadn't been cleared properly. Nick had been working with him, Nick who had been forced to shoot someone, Nick who had been explicitly harassed only yesterday.
"It could have been a real accident."
Warrick just sent her a disgusted look.
"Accident yeah? Sara only yesterday I had to drag Nick to breakfast after some scumbag of officer called him a faggot and worse at the scene. You know what, well it turns out it's not all that has happened. Grissom got threatened by Fromansky, that one day when he would think a scene to be cleared, he or his men might just have gotten stuck in traffic..."
The implications of Warrick's words made her pale and start shivering at the same time. Her hands clenched around the steering wheel and she had to force herself to remain calm.
"And something happened between him and Grissom from the look they had this morning."
Warrick only nodded at her comment, then looked up sharply when she made a reckless U-turn and drove off again.
"What are you doing?"
Sara shot him a look.
"I'm driving you to Nick, he needs a friend now. And then I'll talk to Grissom..."
She had wanted to rip her boss a new one for a long time, now it seemed she had a good reason.
Warrick knocked at Nick's door and when nothing happened did it again. Concern rising in him, he finally pounded heavily and was relieved when he heard a hoarse voice from inside.
"Hold on, I'm coming"
His relief was short-lived as Nick opened the door, Nick looked terrible, his face was pale and his eyes red a sure sign that his friend had cried. For a moment, Nick looked at him and then silently stepped aside to let him in.
"Make yourself at home"
Warrick noted the flat, dull tone of the other man's voice and inwardly cursed Grissom, while at the same time outwardly grinned and grabbed a bottle of water out of Nick's fridge. For a moment he stared at the bottle of beer, but then shrugged and took a second water bottle. With a grin, he tossed it towards Nick and sat down next to his friend.
"Nick, I heard about the shooting"
A shiver went through the other man and as Warrick saw Nick pale even more, he realized his mistake. Turning so that he faced Nick, he forced the Texan to look at him.
"Hey, I don't believe what those assholes told Ecklie and the others and I hope for God that Ecklie doesn't either."
Nick's relief at Warrick's words was visible as some of the tension left his body and he slumped back towards the couch, a quick, tentative smile crossed his face and he answered softly.
"No he didn't, instead he explicitly told me to stay away and let him search for evidence of those guy's lies."
Gently Warrick put a hand on Nick's shoulder, the muscles were tense and he winced at the slight tremors that ran through his friend's smaller frame. Nick was hurting badly and silently he cursed Gil for not being here, for leaving Nick alone when he needed him so much.
"Why isn't Gil here?"
The words were out before he could help himself and immediately Nick withdrew from his touch, huddling closer towards the edge, hands clutching the water bottle tightly. His eyes were downcast when he whispered.
"He's not here cause he doesn't care anymore."
The words seemed to hurt him even as he spoke them and Warrick felt his heart break at his friend's pain. Not thinking much, he leaned over and enclosed him in his arms. Small tremors ran through Nick's body as he felt his friend's composure break and almost silent sobs began to wrack him. For a long time, Warrick just held him, lent him his strength and calm. He didn't whisper any words, didn't caress the back or the shoulders, just held him close let Nick now that he wasn't alone. Slowly the shivers ebbed down and finally Nick looked up, eyes red and still hurting, but somehow soothed by the presence of his friend. Warrick smiled and took the bottle from Nick's hands holding them with his instead. A memory rose in his mind and suddenly he knew what he had to do, where he had to take Nick.
"I love this area, man; I mean even if I'm not flying, these mountains just have a calming effect you know? It's like so far away from the reality of Vegas that it's like I can breathe here again."
Nick's words when he had taken him here to 'breathe' again after the nightclub singer disaster. And with a quick decision, Warrick got up from the couch drawing Nick with him.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
Instead of answering Nick, Warrick walked over to the fridge and grabbed two more bottles. Proceeding to the door he turned around and looked at Nick.
"We're going to the mountains."
For a long time he thought that Nick would not come, but then a small smile crossed over the pale face and he slowly walked towards him. Quickly he grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"Thanks Rick, thanks for being here"
Warrick nodded and smiled, told Nick something Nick had told him years ago.
"That's what friends are for."
Nick only nodded silently, but averted his eyes and Warrick shook his head sadly. He could read his friend's mind like a book and Nick's one thought was not about what friends were for but on Gil.
"Nick what happened?"
Another shiver went through the slender body, but Nick shook his head.
"I'll tell you when we're there."
---
There were many things, Conrad Ecklie had seen in his life, things that had taught him to expect anything and be prepared for everything. His years in the army and later with the Vegas police department had shown him how many people were not prepared for the worst to come and how even the strongest men were weak in the face of some unexpected event.
He had always considered himself to expect everything and be prepared to do and endure anything.
But as he stood outside the intensive care unit of the desert palm hospital, waiting for the staff to clear him and hand over the sterile dress he needed to wear, he realized that he had been wrong.
He had never expected to one day stare through a window at the still body of Jim Brass, had never expected having to process the Captain as a victim of a crime. Maybe this lapse was human; maybe it was the normal reaction of someone working in a dangerous environment, that the danger was pushed aside out of his mind. Maybe this mistake was forgivable.
On the other hand, he had not been prepared for the pain that had shot directly to his heart when he had seen the other man hooked to all the machines, had not been prepared to feel himself starting to pray silently for this man to be saved.
Conrad shook his head, he had known of his attraction towards Brass and yet he had not been prepared for the depth of emotions that he felt now.
Like travelling back in time he heard the voice of his former CO.
"You have to purge yourself from all emotions. Emotions make you weak when you can least afford it. Become what you are supposed to be, a perfect fighter always rational, always in control..."
"... never human, always a robot."
His words were a mere whisper as he kept his eyes on the monitors that indicated that there was still life in Jim.
"Sir, Mr. Ecklie?"
He looked up surprised and shook his head at himself. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard the nurse walk up next to him. A shiver went through him and he had to force himself to smile at her.
"You can go and see him now; would you please put on those items?"
She handed him a bag of sterile green clothes and he followed her to the changing room. As soon as she left him alone, he sat down shakily. He hadn't heard her, she hadn't crept up to him, hadn't tried to conceal her approach and still he hadn't realized that she was there until she had spoken.
He looked at his hands and saw that they were shaking and another memory rose.
His first case as a CSI, he had been working with Brass, who at that time still had been new in Vegas. He had worked on dusting a door handle when Brass had walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. Conrad hadn't thought just acted and ten seconds after he had felt Brass' hand on his shoulder, he had the detective pinned to the floor, his arms behind his body while Conrad's hand was hovering over his throat.
Realizing what he had done he had stepped back horrified and wondered whether his first night as a CSI would also be his last. Brass had rubbed his arm, looked at him, and then he laughed shakily.
"For god's sake Ecklie, you should come with a warning label."
Later that day Brass had waited for him with a coffee in his hand and drawn him towards the break room, it had been empty and the older man had watched with clear, knowing eyes how Conrad had unconsciously seated himself in the one spot where he had his back to the wall and the entire room in view.
"How long where you in Special Ops?"
The calmly spoken words had shocked him, he knew that his file said that he had been in the military, that he had been a ranger, but nothing in either the CV or the information Brass could have gotten from the army would give a clue that he had been a Delta.
"Look, I've watched you for a while and there are certain signs of alertness, of knowledge and military experience that you don't get if you're with the Rangers only Special Ops. Not to mention the fact that you had a trained cop completely immobilized within seconds."
Conrad had swallowed hard and nodded quickly before answering.
"Five years."
He was sitting next to the still form of the Captain now and remembering the short conversation. They had never ever talked about it again and despite some of their fights, Brass had never mentioned his profession to anyone.
"He's in a stable condition and the surgery was successful. He's lost a lot of blood though, so we had to be careful with the narcotics."
Conrad nodded at the doctor's words, but his eyes strayed back to the pale man in the hospital bed.
"You can stay here overnight; we can put a second bed in here so that you can be with your partner."
First the meaning behind the friendly words didn't filter through, but when it did, Conrad felt himself tense before he forced a laugh.
"Sorry Doctor, but I'm not his partner. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab; I just came because I need his clothes and any other evidence such as the bullet."
The blond woman looked at him with a smile, her green eyes friendly as she told him that she would bring him the bullet and the clothes. Conrad listened to her steps before he turned back to Brass and once again looked at him. Finally without thinking much, he took the cold hand, trying to warm it by rubbing it between his own.
"You better wake up soon Brass; those assholes you work with blame Stokes for your injury and the death of the perp. I've got some evidence, but not enough to prove that they are not only bigots, but committed a negligence that could have gotten you killed."
The reality hit him then, how close it had been, how easy Nick could have been late and a shudder ran through him as he quickly, softly caressed the sleeping face.
"And I need you to wake up for me, Jim... I won't ever be able to have you, but I don't want to lose you completely..."
He let go of the hand and instead looked at the fingernails to check for any traces, even though he knew that there had been no fight and that Brass' hands had most likely been cleaned. Sighing lightly he got up and met the doctor at the door. She handed him the bundle of clothes and with a nod towards Brass she said.
"It's always hard if it is one of your own, isn't it."
Ecklie nodded and thanked her for her help. He walked out of the hospital almost as if in trance only in the car did he once again let his emotions through.
'One of your own'
The words of the doctor repeated themselves in his mind and slowly his face hardened his eyes turned cold and hard. He had suppressed that persona knowing that the perfect soldier he had once been had always bordered close to madness, now though he let him out. Jim Brass was one of his own and if there was one thing they had taught him at Delta, it was to take care of his own, to protect and shelter.
And to avenge...
---
Sara had known where to look for Gil and she almost smiled when she saw him sitting in his office reading in a journal. Then though she remembered how Nick had looked this morning and what she had heard about her friend's case on the radio. Anger replaced the fond smile on her face and with a deep breath she opened the glass door to Grissom's office.
"Sara."
His voice sounded wary, but she could see that there was relief too and that simple emotion made her even angrier. Grissom obviously thought that she would agree with him just because she had had a crush on her. Composing herself, she closed the blinds and sat down opposite her.
"You know, seeing you in the office reading an article when Nick is at home and just a hair away of being charged with homicide is not something I expected."
Grissom's face closed off and Sara could almost see the walls rising around her boss. It was familiar something she had done for a long time, still did sometimes and yet had learned long ago, that more often than not this attitude hurt those she loved the most.
"I am sure he found someone to console him."
The cold voice made her take a step back and a shiver ran through her, as long as she knew Grissom he had often been careless, indifferent, but never purposefully cruel. This last statement had been exactly that.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Sara rarely swore and maybe that was the reason Grissom looked at her concerned. Calming lightly she sat down and forced him to look at her. He swallowed and then icily told her what he saw as the truth.
"He's in love with Warrick."
Warrick? The irony of Gil's statement made her almost grin, but then she thought of Warrick's concern for Nick, thought of how the younger CSI had fought to contain his rage during the Lower case and finally she thought of where Warrick was right now. A deep sight escaped her, before she once again fixed her boss with her eyes.
"Grissom, how blind are you? Don't you see how much Nick loves you?"
She saw the pain in his eyes and for a moment it was almost enough to let him off the hook, but then she remembered Nick's face this morning and how he had to have felt when his lover didn't stand by him after the shooting. It was enough to forget any warm feelings.
"Warrick cares about Nick, cares deeply, but not in the way you think. They are like brothers, Nick is the younger brother that Warrick never had and Warrick is the family Nick left behind when he came here. They love each other yes, but not in the way you think."
She saw in his eyes that he didn't believe her and his next words confirmed it.
"Don't tell me what to think or not, I saw them Sara, I saw them holding hand in a bar yesterday. And you know, I'm not even surprised... Nick..."
His voice trailed off and Sara growled slightly.
"Nick..."
Grissom looked shocked at her audible anger and shivered.
"He's better off with someone else, I'm not... He's too good..."
It were those words that made the composure she had tried to keep, burst and she hit the desk with her flat hand. The loud thump made Grissom look up almost scared.
"You god damn idiot, so you decide that he's better off without you and just run away from him? Did you even give him a chance to explain anything? If I asked Nick right now, would he be able to tell me what happened?"
She took a calming breath, but it didn't help all the suppressed fear still inside her from the Lower case, all the anger and pain she had felt when Gil had chosen Nick now boiled to the surface and with growl she continued her rant.
"Warrick took Nick for breakfast to talk to him. He's been harassed at a scene by two idiots of officers and when Warrick wanted to step up for him, Nick held him back telling him that he wasn't worth it. That's the reason Nick went for breakfast with him and I bet you anything, that that was the reason why Warrick was holding Nick's hand."
She swallowed and tried to keep to the real issue, tried to keep the bitter words back that she had wanted to say ever since...
"Do you realize that ever since you and Nick got together it always was just about you, did you ever stop long enough to think about him? Did you ever ask him what he wanted from your relationship? Did you ever ask yourself why he put up with you, why he didn't leave when he was threatened by Lower, why he stayed even though he had to face all those rumours and not you?"
Grissom had paled, but Sara couldn't stop, she was reading Gil the riot act and even though she did it for Nick for her friend, it felt as if a weight were lifting from her shoulders and she realized that this was for her own calm too.
She noticed how her boss looked confused at the last words and shook her head smiling bitterly.
"You didn't even know did you? He never told you how he's been taunted by some in the lab to be the teacher's pet, how others purposely put his work last because 'he gets enough help from you'. Did he ever tell you or did you ever ask?"
Seeing the shock in Grissom's eyes she continued knowing that finally she had broken through his walls.
"Don't you see how much he loves you?"
Grissom stared at her for a long time, then slowly a broken sound escaped him and he lifted a trembling hand to his eyes. Wearily rubbing them he shook his head.
"I only saw what a wonderful person he is, I was sure that he would leave one day just like everyone else."
Shaking her head at the enigma that Gil Grissom was Sara smiled.
"Grissom look at the evidence, you said it yourself Nick is a wonderful person, why would he leave you? He's been through some very rough shit because he loves you and he stayed because he loves you."
It was as if all the anger she had felt had evaporated leaving her exhausted and yet feeling relieved. Sara shivered lightly when she realized what it was that she felt. Freedom... finally after all this time of hopelessly dreaming of Grissom she felt free... it was a good feeling.
"Grissom, Nick has been through hell today, he saw a friend getting seriously injured, had to kill another human being and to top all of suddenly found himself accused of being the one responsible."
Her words hit home, Sara saw how Grissom paled, how his face lost all colour as the reality of what had happened this night filtered in. Another sound escaped, a pained, horrified sound as he realized what he had done, how he had let his lover down.
"What have I done?"
For a long time Sara didn't know how to respond, then finally she put one hand on Grissom's shoulder and squeezed it gently.
"Warrick is with him right now and if the way I know him, he's taken Nick up to the mountains to get away from the city. Go there and talk to Nick, tell him why you pushed him away, tell him why you didn't believe him and if he forgives you, make sure that you take care of him the way he deserves it."
It wasn't until her boss looked at her quizzically that Sara realized how much her last words had sounded like a threat, Grissom didn't say anything, just looked down at his hands and Sara realized that she had overstayed her welcome. She got up and walked to the door, once there she turned around.
"It won't only be me you'd have to answer, if Nick came in once again looking like this evening. It would be the entire team."
This time it was a threat and they both knew it.
---
Warrick sat next to Nick and looked down over the wide open plane, seeing the greenish hills in the back and the yellow desert around them. The contrast to the city couldn't have been more pronounced, the complete silence out here compared to the noise and hectic in the city, the calm and grandeur of Nature against the constant movement and bright lights... Before he had met Nick, Warrick had never really cared about the outdoors, only with his friend had he understood what it meant to breathe fresh air and see nothing but open spaces.
"He doesn't trust me"
Painful words that made him flinch as Nick suddenly started to speak.
"When I came home yesterday morning, I called him, but he cut me off... I drove over to meet him and he was so different, so cold..."
As if protecting himself against that cold, Nick wrapped his arms around his body and Warrick itched to hold him, protect him, but something held him back, some inner voice warned him and he listened to it.
"I told him that I was there for him, that I would always be there for him... and he just tensed, asked me how long until I would see that he was just an old man, until I would leave him..."
Nick's voice broke and he took a sip from his bottle, and then spoke again.
"I don't understand Warrick, why doesn't he see that I can't live without him? How can he not see how much I love him?"
Warrick wanted to answer, but before he could say anything another voice spoke softly, making Nick tense up completely.
"Because I was blind"
---
Nick heard Gil's voice and immediately he tensed up torn between hope and fear, hope that he hadn't lost Gil yet and fear that his lover was just here to destroy him completely. He heard the slow, soft steps of the older man and felt Gil sit down next to him carefully giving him enough distance.
It hurt.
It hurt that Gil who always had enjoyed the close contact and often indulged Nick in his need for cuddles, now seemed to need a distance between them.
Nick stared straight ahead wishing that he had taken his paraglider with him, so that he could have escaped the inquisitive blue eyes of his lover.
"Nicky, can we talk?"
Nicky... He didn't know if it was a good sign or not that Gil called him this. Not daring to look up, he glanced at Warrick and saw that his friend looked at them with impassionate eyes.
"I don't know; what do you want to talk about?"
His voice was harsher than he planned and he saw Gil's flinch in the movement of his shadow, saw how Warrick shook his head in dismay before he got up.
"The two of you need to talk about this, sort yourself out and find back again. Damit you love each other, don't give that up, so make up, make out and then come back to work cause we have some cop-asses to kick."
With those words he tossed his water bottle towards Gil.
"Catch."
Nick was frozen as he watched his friend drive off; leave a trail of dust behind him. He was alone with Gil and suddenly he couldn't stand it anymore. Angrily he got up and turned towards his lover and stopped as if he had run into a wall.
Gil stood close to him, his face pale and drawn, but it wasn't his look that made Nick gasp, it was the large bag back that stood next to his lover.
"You brought my paraglider?"
He had stopped flying as he had started seeing Gil knowing how much his lover hated it, how afraid Gil was when he went up. If Nick was honest, he had missed it, but never complained thinking that having Gil was worth much more than flying.
"I was so blind Nick; I didn't trust you and hurt you."
Talk about stating the obvious, Nick shook his head and looked at Gil letting his lover see how much he hurt, how broken his heart was.
"Why Gil, why did you do it?"
The older man twisted his hands and then sat down again waiting before Nick did so too before he started to speak.
"I saw you with Warrick yesterday morning and drew the wrong conclusions. I wasn't thinking just feeling, I... I... it's not you I don't trust, but I can't see what you see in me and I'm afraid that one day you will wake up and leave."
Part of Nick was angry, part of him was tired, but the strongest emotion was sadness, how could they continue if Gil didn't trust him, how would they ever be able to build a relationship if his lover could not talk to him?
"I never had a relationship like this, give me some time Nick, I will learn."
Nick stared at his hands, he was willing to give Gil all the time that he needed, but not at the cost of his sanity.
"Gil, I can't go through something like this again. I need to know that you are there for me, that I can rely on you to talk to me..."
His voice faded and trembled as tears and anger battled in him. He swallowed and continued harsher.
"... You just shut me out. Do you have any idea how I felt, how I still feel? I needed you Gil..."
He broke down then, the memory of Gil's rejection, the constant replay of the moment when he had shot the criminal, the tension of the last couple of minutes... It all got too much and he looked at his lover with tears in his eyes as he screamed at him.
"I needed you, needed you to hold me and be there, but you... you just hid away, as if you didn't care. Why weren't you there? Why did I have to deal with this alone?"
The last word echoed from the walls giving a strangely fitting background noise to the silent sobs that shook Nick's body. He felt tired and cold, all the fight had left him and all he felt was alone, lonely. Gil was sitting next to him, but at the same time he could have been miles away. The distance didn't matter, what mattered was that he was alone.
"Nicky..."
Strong arms wrapped themselves around him and he felt warmth seeping through his clothing as he was drawn against Gil's body. He felt the soft hands caress his back, while Gil's lips kissed his forehead and his eyes.
"I made so many mistakes; I hurt you so badly... But I do love you, please don't... don't give up on us, please teach me how to be worthy of you."
He heard the words but they didn't make sense only served to confuse him more. How could it be that Gil though he, Gil Grissom, wasn't worthy enough for Nick? A shiver ran through him at that though.
"You're all I ever wanted, Gil, you are worthy of me... It's me who's not..."
Gil's lips stopped him from saying it, the kiss was chaste and tender not meant to arouse but to soothe and the emotions behind it made him tear up again.
"I know that you would never cheat on me, I let my insecurities blind me, but I think I'm cured now. Nick, I almost lost you because I was an idiot..."
Fear was suddenly present in Gil's eyes and Nick realized what his lover thought. For a moment he was tempted to let him suffer for a bit, but then his heart won out and he reached up to caress the unshaven face.
"You can't lose me Gil not unless you tell me to get lost."
He hated the tremor that accompanied the last couple of words, but Gil shook his head and covered his hand softly.
"Never again, I promise."
Relief flooded him, made him boneless and he let himself be held by Gil's stronger body. Slowly, gently his lover moved him so that they both were looking over the wide open area and for a long time they just observed the scenery.
"Gil, the shooting... I killed a man..."
He felt his lover's arms tense at those words, but soon enough the grip relaxed again as Gil kissed his neck tenderly before he answered.
"You had no choice; it wasn't your fault..."
The soft voice soothed him, yet he still felt guilty and maybe Gil could feel it too because he continued after a while.
"... I never had to shoot someone, but Cat did. Talk to her, she will understand better."
For a moment they were silent, and then Gil suddenly chuckled.
"I'm doing it again... You don't have to talk to Cat, you can talk to me, whenever you want or need to talk. I'm here for you; I will listen and try to understand."
Nick felt tears in his eyes again at those softly spoken words and the true love behind them. He snuggled a bit closer into the hug and closed his eyes forgetting the things that had happened for a moment and letting himself draw strength from his lover. A though occurred him and he straightened.
"Gil why did you bring my paraglider?"
To his surprise Gil blushed and shrugged, his eyes though were very serious.
"I trust you Nick and I never gave you enough credit for what you are and want in our relationship. You love flying and you gave it up for me. It wasn't fair to ask this of you, so I thought that instead of stopping, you could just take me with you..."
Somehow he couldn't believe what he had heard and slightly hesitant he looked at Gil.
"But you are afraid of paragliding."
Gil's hand forced him to look up and as their eyes met, Nick was taken aback by the honesty and love in the blue eyes.
"I won't be, if I am with you."
Softly gently Gil leaned in and kissed him.
"I trust you with my life and my heart."
Nick smiled and this time he knew that his smile showed all the joy, relief and love he felt. Grabbing the bag pack he got up and started preparing the glider and the equipment. Carefully he showed Gil how to put on the helmet, the safety seat etc. And then they stood at the start together, Gil in front of Nick, secured against his body connected by strings and emotions. Two, three steps and glider was soaring, four, five steps and they went over the edge. Nick heard the gasp as Gil realized that they were really flying and felt the adrenaline pump in his veins.
"I love you."
Nick was soaring, felt as if he would have been able to fly without a glider. He was still accused of negligence, had still a battle ahead once he was back on the ground. But he had Gil on his side, Gil's trust and heart.
It would be enough to win, Nick was sure of that.
---
Gil could feel the tension in Nick as they drove towards the lab. When they had come back from flying, had gone home after landing safely and softly in the designated parking area, they had talked about the shooting and the harassment that Nick had experienced on the job ever since they had been outed by Lower.
It had made Gil tremble with anger and rage. Silently he had promised Nick that he would never ever be so negligent about the things in the lab and had vowed to make it up to his lover, loudly he had assured the younger man that it wasn't his fault and that everyone believed him.
"I'm scared."
Carefully watching the street, Gil quickly squeezed Nick's hand and lifted it to his lips.
"There is nothing you have to be scared about. Jim will soon wake up and clear you. And I would bet anything, that even without Brass you'd be cleared by Ecklie."
The last words he said slightly grumpy and Nick's chuckle told him that he had heard. Then slowly almost contemplatively, Nick spoke again.
"He's changed a lot, hasn't he? I mean, he wanted to frame me for Kristy's murder and now he's doing like everything to help me."
Something in the way he said 'help me' triggered a memory in his mind and he remembered something that Sara had said yesterday or more accurately yelled.
'He said he wasn't worth it.'
At the time when she had told him this, he had been too focused on everything else to listen carefully, but now together with the confusion about Ecklie helping him, the memory had come back and some kind of warning lamp started blinking in Gil's mind. Nick was everything he had always dreamed off, he was handsome, intelligent, kind and utterly charming.
How could his lover have such a low self esteem?
For a moment Gil thought about asking, yet right at that moment, he felt Nick's hand tense in his as he turned into the parking area of the lab. And with a sigh he decided to wait, this night would get painful enough for Nick without him questioning his psyche.
"At least it's weekend after tonight."
Not only weekend, Gil thought and with a spur of the moment decision so out of character for him he turned towards Nick and looked intensively at his lover.
"You remember what I promised you when you had to remain inside because of Lower?"
Nick looked at him, one eyebrow drawn up higher, then his eyes lit up and he smiled.
"You rambled about Iceland and how beautiful this place is..."
Gil smiled as he heard the disbelief in Nick's voice, his lover was a clear southerner, someone who found snow suspicious and winter something that happened to other people.
"And I promised you to take you there..."
He saw the moment when Nick understood and with a shiver he silently thanked the powers to be that he hadn't lost Nick due to his stupidity.
"You don't have to..."
Nick trailed off as Gil put a finger on his lips and with a smile Gil answered.
"No I don't have to, but I want to. Ok?"
He saw the joy in Nick's eyes and knew that for once he had done something right. Still smiling he leaned in and kissed his lover quickly tenderly.
"You deserve to be spoiled."
He saw the shock in Nick's eyes and promised himself to find out what made Nick think that he didn't deserve happiness.
In Iceland, he thought, he would ask once they were there.
---
"Stokes get in here please!"
He saw how Nick tensed and almost visibly shrunk at the harsh words and for a moment Ecklie hated himself for them. On the other hand it would help neither him nor Nick, if he changed his behaviour, especially now that Nick was accused of killing someone.
Wearily he watched as Grissom quickly squeezed Nick's hand in encouragement and then walked past him with a clear warning in the blue eyes.
Touch him, harm him and you will find out how good I am in hiding a body... that was the statement he read in them when Grissom looked at him. He barely suppressed a smile, Conrad didn't like Grissom, the other man's seemingly emotionless way of living had reminded him too much of his former superiors. But then the Lower case had happened and he had seen past the cold mask of indifference, past the Teflon surface and found a human being. He still wouldn't call the other CSI a good friend, but he grudgingly accepted the fact that Grissom wasn't as bad as he had thought.
Although of course he would never ever say that loud.
"Why did you want to see me?"
Stokes had braced himself for the worst; Ecklie could literally see the walls the younger man had built. Closing the door and the blinds he pointed towards the chair.
"How are you holding up?"
The surprise on Nick's face hurt somehow and at the same time it almost made him smile. For moment he saw the other man hesitate, and then he shrugged.
"I know that I didn't do anything wrong..."
It should have sounded easy, careless, but Stokes didn't manage to pull it off, instead he sounded scared and there was a tremor in his voice that Ecklie knew only too well.
"Brass is expected to wake up later tonight and I'm sure once he confirms your story, everything will be ok. But I'm not asking because of the accusations..."
He faltered for a moment, not knowing how to address the issue without sounding like an idiot or worse like a heartless bastard. Conrad sighed as he saw the confusion once again in Nick's eyes and decided that he had been looking like a bastard for longer than he cared thinking about, so he might as well act like one.
"You shot a man yesterday."
Stokes jerked back as if he had been shot too and to Ecklie's dismay a shiver went through his body. The eyes that fixed him, held guilt and remorse mixed with a good portion of anger.
"No need to rub it in Ecklie."
Ecklie contemplated his next words and finally decided that the harsh truth was probably the best way to deal with it.
"A couple of days ago you came to see me because of what happened with Lower, you remember what I asked you then?"
He saw when memory hit the younger CSI and Stokes paled before he almost whispered.
"Whether I ever killed a man"
Again there was anger battling with guilt in the expressive eyes and for a second Conrad wondered if it would be better if he stoked the anger, but he knew from experience that pushing the guilt away would not make it go away and so he calmly spoke on.
"You have now."
Stokes jumped up angrily, but Ecklie just held up a hand and looked at him coldly. Nick didn't sit down, but he gazed at him silently.
"And what I want you to know is that if you ever need someone to talk about, my door is always open."
It was as if even the last bit of strength left Nick at those friendly, concerned words, he sat down heavily and for a moment hid his face in his hands. When he looked up again Conrad saw that his eyes were dry but only barely so.
"Why are so friendly? Why do you care this much?"
How should he explain this without exposing things that he hadn't even admitted to himself? It was Ecklie's turn to look at his hands. There was a small scar in his palm insignificant for those that didn't know, telling and damning to those that did.
"Look, I... I don't pretend to be your friend or anything like that, but in this department there are few that have ever shot someone, I know that Grissom rarely even carries his weapon and Willows, look, she has shot someone, but she's not..."
How to say it without insulting Willows and thus angering Stokes?
"She's a woman."
Stokes said it lightly and as Ecklie looked up he saw that Stokes was smiling. Then their eyes met and Conrad shivered as he saw a deep understanding there.
"Tell me something, if I were involved with Sara or Cat, would you defend us like this too?"
Conrad's breath caught at the question and the implications.
"If you were seeing either of them, you wouldn't have some of those problems. I don't deal well with intolerance so there you go..."
Their eyes met again and Nick smiled as if he had seen his answer, as if he had understood what Ecklie hadn't said and he nodded silently.
"We're going to Iceland for the long weekend, I'm not sure maybe just getting away will help me forget. But I..." Stokes' voice faltered for a moment. "...if your offer still stands after that, I might take you up on it."
The carefully chosen words made him smile, he recognized the battle between wanting to reach out for help and pride holding Stokes back. Ecklie got up and smiled at the younger CSI.
"There is no time limit, Stokes, a helping hand doesn't expire."
The smile that crossed the handsome face was blinding and then Stokes was gone. Conrad watched him walk down towards the locker room until he disappeared from his view. Only then did he sit down and looked at the chair where Stokes had been sitting only seconds ago.
"There is no time limit to my offer, just as there is none on the nightmares."
His words were mere whispers, but they seemed strangely loud in the empty room. For a moment, Ecklie sat still, and then his mobile rang and shattered the tension and silence.
Seconds later, Ecklie knocked at Grissom's door.
"If you see Stokes, tell him that Brass is awake and that I'm on my way to him."
Grissom looked at him intently and then nodded.
"Thanks."
---
The first thing Brass noted when he woke up was the silence, compared to the loudness of the shots that had accompanied his last thoughts before he slipped into unconsciousness this was wonderful. He stretched or better tried to stretch and groaned as pain shot through his body.
"Don't move your body is still weak and recuperating."
He groaned again and looked at the doctor, she was pretty he noted and wondered if it was a sign that he was getting old, when the doctors that treated him started to look as young as his own daughter.
"How long have I been lying here?"
She smiled at this question and handed him some ice chips to soothe his throat, before she answered with the same friendly but somehow indifferent voice.
"Two days, how are you feeling?"
He endured the endless questions and let out a relieved breath when she disappeared and a young nurse entered his room to move him from the ICU to a normal one.
"Good to see that you are awake Mr. Brass, your friend has been awfully worried about you."
His friend? Jim frowned at the comment, he had friends of course he did, but none of them were likely to visit him in the hospital often enough to give an impression of being awfully worried. He shrugged and moved back while the nurse prepared everything for him.
"There you are dear, do you have a wish or is there anything you need?"
Jim felt tired although he'd only just woken up and with a smile he thanked her. She blushed, smiled and left.
Finally alone...
They had told him that he'd been shot twice once in his shoulder and once in his chest. He could feel his shoulder throbbing and twisted in his bed in order to take some of the pressure away. The pain shooting through his body made him gasp and he shivered as the hurt brought memories with it. Memories of lying on the floor helpless and in pain, of staring at the drugged young man pointing the gun at him and Jim shivered with fear as he realized once again how damn close to dying he'd come.
"Brass, they told me that you are awake..."
The words didn't really register in his mind and he was shocked when strong hands restrained him, prevented him from moving and hurting himself further.
"Stop it; you're just going to hurt yourself worse."
This time the words came through his dazed mind and Jim looked up in shock. Conrad Ecklie was holding him still, his eyes concerned and warm. For a moment they just stared at each other until Ecklie broke the gaze and spoke hoarsely.
"Jim, are you ok?"
Reality came back and with it the embarrassment of having lost control like this. Brass nodded sharply and felt relieved and disappointed at the same time, when Ecklie released his hold and moved back to sit next to the bed.
"Do you want something to drink?"
The CSI just shook his head and waited until Jim had finished his glass of water. The cold liquid did wonders to his composure and calm again he looked at Ecklie.
"How can I help you?"
The other man seemed to have been in deep thoughts and started at the question. Then almost as if he was bracing himself, he took a deep breath and turned towards his kit. Frowning Brass watched how Ecklie fished a small tape recorder and put it onto the table.
"I'm investigating your crime scene."
That didn't make sense and Brass shook his head in confusion. He had been working with Nick so why was Ecklie...? A sudden, horrible thought filled him with dread. He hadn't thought about the CSI, his last thought was of the younger man kneeling next to him, pressing his shirt against Brass' wound. Had something happened afterwards?
"Nick? Is he...?"
Conrad looked up and for a moment, Brass saw a deep emotion in the hard eyes before it was gone and Ecklie asked softly.
"He's ok, nothing happened to him. Do you remember what happened exactly?"
Did he? Jim closed his eyes and saw the junkie stand in front of him, saw the gun pointed at him, heard the shot and felt at the same time the incredible pain... He swallowed hard and forced the thoughts back before he looked again at Ecklie.
"Yes, I do."
The CSI seemed to literally shrink with relief as a tension that Brass hadn't even been aware of drained out of his body. Confusion was audible in Brass' voice as he queried the other man's weird behaviour.
"Conrad, what is going on that you don't tell me?"
Ecklie didn't look at him, stared at some point on the white bedding and as he stared to speak his voice trembled with suppressed anger.
"The two uniforms that were at the scene accused Stokes of negligence and homicide."
If the dayshift supervisor had hit him with his fist, the impact couldn't have been worse. It took Brass almost a minute to understand the words and less than a second to understand the meaning. He closed his eyes in despair at the hatred and bigotry that seemed to prevail in his department.
"They gave a statement, that Stokes never asked whether the house was cleared, that he never called for back up and finally they claim to have seen how he shot the perp in cold blood."
Every single word cut him like a knife until he felt as if he were bleeding from multiple wounds. Nick, always Nick... Couldn't they give the younger CSI a break?
"I have enough evidence to contradict them on the account of Stokes shooting in cold blood and I have the call for back up on tape, but I don't have anything that proves he asked about the go ahead of the house and mostly I don't have enough to get those assholes kicked out of the forces for slander."
Brass understood what Ecklie wanted and after the CSI had installed the tape recorder he started to give his account of the shooting. While he talked he felt as if he were talking about someone else, heard himself monotonously explain what had happened from the moment Nick had walked into the crime scene to the moment when the young CSI had shot the junkie to save Brass' life.
When he was finished, silence once again fell between them. Brass didn't know if there was something else he had to say, waited for Ecklie to ask him more details, yet the other man just stared at the small recorder.
"It was a close call."
The words sounded casual, but the way Ecklie said it, it was clear that he didn't feel casual at all about it. He still didn't look at Brass, still avoided his eyes and slowly his impatience got the better of the Captain, he took a deep breath to rant about annoying CSI's when Ecklie got up without warning and grabbed his kit.
"I have to go and hand this in, get Stokes officially cleared."
It seemed to Jim as if Ecklie was running out of his room and with a heavy sigh he lay back in his bed. Ecklie obviously blamed him for what happened to Nick and in some way he was right in doing so. It were his people that had acted like this and he had done nothing to prevent it.
Thoughts were whirling around in his head, pain and sadness mingled with tiredness but the dominating emotion was anger. Some of his men had tried to frame Nick for a crime just because he loved a man, Jim's hands balled to fists and his entire body tensed as he tried to keep himself from destroying something.
---
Nick couldn't help it, he felt as if everyone was staring at him, felt as if they all whispered behind his back as soon as he had walked past an office.
‘Convicted without a trial'
He finally understood the phrase and although he had expected it, it still hurt. Hurt just like all those snide remarks about him and Gil had hurt, all those little snippets that suggested he was worth less than others because he loved a man, all those comments about how sleeping with his boss was helping his career. Nick had no illusions about people; he knew there were many that had problems with the thought of a homosexual relationship and all those would silently or loudly cheer if he were to fall.
"Stokes?"
Ecklie's voice resonated through the corridor and the neighbouring labs. Nick hesitated, but waited nonetheless. He still wasn't used to Ecklie's new attitude towards him, simply didn't know how to interact with a Conrad Ecklie who wasn't an asshole. The dayshift supervisor came up to him and smiled. Handing him his bagde and gun back, he announced loud enough for everyone to hear.
"You've been cleared. Brass confirmed everything you've said and we recreated the scene to prove you shot in defence."
His knees were suddenly weak and Nick swayed for a moment. Before he could recover he had an armful of Greg who hugged him fiercely and together they stumbled until a wall gave them some kind of support. Like Ecklie before he proclaimed loudly.
"See I told you and all those that didn't believe you are just idiots."
A smile crept over Ecklie's face and Nick felt gratitude and relief make his eyes tear up. It was clear what the two men did and he realized that Ecklie had purposely chosen such a public place to give him his gun and bagde back.
"The DA will open a case against the two cops on the grounds of false accusations and negligence leading to homicide."
From the corner of his eyes Nick saw Warrick and Cat approach him with huge smiles on their faces. Then he was suddenly moved away from Greg and drawn against a strong body. For a moment he let himself rest against his lover, let Gil support him, then he straightened and fixed Ecklie.
"Thanks"
The other man shook his head and as he spoke, his voice was once again louder than necessary.
"No need to thank me Stokes, it's time those bigots in law enforcement realize that they won't get away with their crimes."
Without saying anything else Ecklie turned and walked away. Nick was still slightly leaning against Gil, his knees still weak from both relief and gratitude. Ecklie had been the last person he'd ever expected to be supportive and with a smile he watched as Warrick's eyes followed the dayshift supervisor.
"He's still an idiot, but at least he's an idiot on the right side."
They all grinned, Gill released Nick and quickly squeezed his lover's hand.
"Amen"
Gil watched Nick as the plane was slowly descending, giving them a first and spectacular view of the island. His lover was wide-eyed as he took in the bareness and ruggedness of the mostly volcanic terrain. A tender smile crossed Gil's face as Nick turned towards him and carefully he took the younger man's hand. He felt happy and relaxed something he hadn't felt a lot until Nick had stormed into his life. Drawing his lover closer, so that Nick's head was leaning against his shoulder he exhaled deeply.
"You're the first person I've brought here."
He didn't see Nick's eyes on him but he felt them nonetheless and when Nick's hand squeezed his quickly, he knew that his lover understood.
"How did you get here the first time anyway?"
They had gotten their rental car at Kevlavik Airport and were driving through the bizarre volcanic landscape towards Reykjavik. It was already ten at night but the sun was still out, fooling them and their bodies into believing that it was still early in the evening.
"I came here for the first time about ten years ago. There was a forensic conference in the town and I had signed up not realizing that it would be here. When I arrived here, I was captivated by the country; it was unlike anything I had ever seen. Then at the conference we were all sitting and waiting for the first presentation when suddenly the entire room was shaking."
Gil smiled at the memory of how he and his fellow conference members from abroad had run screaming out of the auditorium.
"And there we were... Two dozen geeky CSIs frightened to the point we'd probably wet our pants and everyone was staring at us as if he were aliens."
Nick chuckled and then interrupted Gil's mental journey to the past in order to ask for directions. With a smile Gil directed him into the city and towards the harbour, then after an encouraging look from Nick he continued with his story.
"It turned out that they have about three small earth quakes a week."
Gil saw that Nick couldn't see the connection between a place having that many earth quakes and Gil's desire to visit said place again and again.
"It fascinated me; this place is one of the youngest grounds in the world. It's like being a couple of million years closer to the creation of the Earth."
Now Nick grinned and while he parked their car in front of the cosy looking hotel he asked casually.
"Been trying to find out how bugs develop in such an area and climate, haven't you?"
Gil knew that Nick was teasing him, but he couldn't help the blush that was spreading over his face. His lover shook his head and leaned over capturing Gil's lips in a gentle loving kiss.
"Don't ever change Gil, don't"
---
"Ok, that's the last form you need to sign and then you're free."
Brass shook his head and put his name and signature on the last of probably a dozen forms. The nurse smiled and came around to shake his hand.
"Good luck, Captain Brass, and I hope I won't see you again as a patient."
She had always been friendly and maybe even a bit more, Jim was pretty sure that if he were to ask for her phone number, she'd gladly give it to him. He didn't feel like it though, there was only one person whose phone number was of interest to him and with a bitter smile he thought that he even had it and yet never would use it.
"Is your friend not coming to pick you up?"
She seemed concerned about that fact and inwardly Brass hoped that Vega would be on time, he had no desire to have her offering to drive him home or anything like it. Just then, the detective walked up at the front door.
"No worries, he's already here."
Confused the nurse shook her head.
"Not Detective Vega, I'm talking about the man who was almost constantly there when you were unconscious. The CSI, that's what they are called, isn't it?"
Her words hit him and he stood frozen while Vega walked up to him and the nurse said good bye. He still stood there as Vega grabbed his bag and looked at him.
"Brass, you need help?"
He saw his colleague's concerned look and realized that he was trembling slightly.
"No, just not used to the heat anymore."
Vega grunted and didn't question the feeble explanation. They drove off and while Vega chatted about the latest happenings in the office, Brass was silent. His thoughts were a jumbled mess as his mind constantly went back to the nurse's words.
‘He was almost constantly here, while you were unconscious.'
A CSI, she had said and of course Nick would be the most obvious choice, but Brass already knew that while Nick had intended to visit him, the argument with Gil and the care of his colleagues had prevented that. The younger CSI had seen him since he had woken up, had apologized for not coming to see him before and Jim had smiled. Only Nick would apologize for not visiting when he was out cold.
The rest of his friends at the graveyard team had not come by either he knew that for sure.
So who had it been?
Conrad's face appeared in front of his eyes and suddenly things clicked into the right place. Little things, like Conrad's protectiveness towards Gil and Nick, his fierceness when it had come to hunt those officers down, the fear he Brass had seen whenever the CSI spoke of his former life... and then only two days ago when he had woken up.
‘It was an awfully close call'
Looking back Brass realized that it hadn't been anger that had made Ecklie's voice clipped. It had been fear and pain.
"You'll be alright on your own?"
Vega's words jerked him back to reality and he noticed that they had arrived at his house. Getting up he took his bag and smiled at the detective.
"Sure I will, got along fine all those years"
Vega grinned and drove off. Jim's eyes followed him, but he didn't see the car leaving, instead he saw another man, another car and maybe another life for himself.
---
Nick woke to a wonderful feeling of desire and warmth. He was floating in that state between asleep and awake, dreaming of warm water surrounding him, while he stared at the incredible blue of the sky. Out of the dark a sharp pain shattered the feeling of calm and peace and replaced the water with liquid fire. Nick shivered, gasped in passion and opened his eyes.
"I thought that would wake you"
Gil sounded smug as he soothed the bite mark on Nick's hip with his tongue. The caress' cooling effect was negated when Gil only seconds later dove down and swallowed his lover's cock.
"Gil"
It was the first and last coherent word as Nick's world narrowed to the heat and suction around his core. Flames seemed to lick at him and he trashed helplessly on the bed.
"Come Nicky, come for me"
He tried to hold back, make it last but as he opened his eyes he saw Gil's hand furiously stroking his own cock, saw Gil's lips stretched around his cock and it was too much. With a shout Nick gave himself over to the flames.
"What a way to wake up"
Gil chuckled lightly next to him and drew Nick against his body. His hands idly caressed the sculpted chest while his lips tasted the sweaty skin at Nick's neck. It was so intimate, so perfect, that Nick felt like crying. Two days ago, he had been sure that he would never be able to hold his lover like this. A shiver of dread went through him and instinctively Nick pressed Gil's hand against his body.
"Don't leave me"
He felt Gil tense and then relax again. Softly his lover released him and moved so that he could look in his eyes. They were full of love and Nick felt safe once more.
"I will never leave you. Nicky, I love you too much for that."
Joy and relief made him smile and tear up at the same time. He wiped at the tears only to have Gil lean down and kiss them away. Moving back, his lover smiled.
"Come on. Let's get up and dressed, there's a lot to see today."
Gil's enthusiasm was catching and although he was tired, Nick showered and dressed quickly.
"Where are we going today?"
Gil smiled happy.
"Surprise Nicky, surprise"
---
Officer Fromansky had of course heard about the crime scene where his Captain had gotten shot, had heard how his colleagues had been caught framing the faggot and had shaken his head in disgust.
"If you want to pull something like this off, then you have to plan it well. I mean what shit can go wrong at a scene and no one will investigate, you know... Things like someone falling down a stair... or something hitting someone... The whole framing idea was never gonna work."
The three men sitting with him on his back porch nodded.
"CSI's have way too much influence for one of them getting convicted and Grissom's fuck boy? Never gonna happen."
The harsh comment got nods around and another man threw in his ten cents of ‘wisdom'.
"It's a sad world where good cops get kicked out of the force and the lab fags get a promotion."
Again a round of grunts showed that every one agreed to that, yet before the fourth man could say anything, the two full bottles on the table shattered into a thousand pieces.
"What the fuck?"
The four cops immediately grabbed their guns but the garden was as calm and peaceful as before. Staring at the smashed bottles, Fromansky felt fear creep down his spine as he noticed the calibre.
"Get inside"
There was something in his voice that made his buddies follow him without asking any more questions. Once there they stared at each other.
"We've got to call the cops"
As if to answer the slightly shocked comment, Fromansky's cell phone started ringing and looking at the anonymous caller id he picked up.
"I'm watching you."
The voice was distorted, unrecognizable.
"Who the fuck are you?"
A cold laughter sounded through the phone and again a shiver of fear trickled over his neck.
"Your bigotry almost killed a man, a good man. I won't have that. I am watching every step of you and your mates."
The line went dead and Fromansky stared at it.
"Who was it? The guy who shot? Come on, call the cops... Call the CSIs"
But Fromansky shook his head, he wasn't a dumb man and he understood a threat when he heard one. The man or woman on the other end had been dead serious and obviously had the skills to see it through. Taking a deep breath, he turned and told his friends in no uncertain terms what he was going to do and what they would be doing in the future.
Leave Stokes and Grissom alone... at least until they were certain that no one was watching.
---
After the first day driving endlessly through lava fields along the coast Nick was awed by the sheer tangible power of the country, on the second day Grissom took him upon a glacier and when their guide commanded the dog sledge and his lover told him of the thousand of feet of ice beneath them and the sleeping volcano underneath all that ice, Nick felt humbled. On the third day he stood with one foot in America and another in Europe and almost disbelievingly he laughed in joy and happiness.
Gil had planned everything, had shown him the popular and touristy places as well as those secret spots that he had found by chance while hunting for bugs and other species.
On the fourth day Gil drove them towards the mainland and soon the tarmac roads gave way to grovel paths and after a couple of miles even those disappeared, the only sign that they were still on a ‘road' were the small heaps of stones every mile.
"Gris, where are we going?"
Nick heard his own voice, heard the sliver of unease in it and he knew when Gil stopped, that his lover had heard it too.
"Something wrong Nicky?"
He looked around the empty plane of grey and black sand, it wasn't that he had never been in the desert, hell he lived in Las Vegas, but there was something eerie about this place, it was as if everything was too still, too quiet and Nick felt a shiver flow through his body.
"It's too quiet."
Gil stopped the car and for a moment he looked at Nick. The blue eyes were intense and Nick suddenly felt like a little schoolboy, then though his lover gently cupped his face and drew him closer. Soft lips nibbled at his and he moaned at the love he felt from the kiss and from within.
"You know when they talk about the calm before the storm? That's why it is so quiet here."
Gently moving Nick's face so that he looked towards the East, Gil pointed at a large snow covered mountain.
"Askja, the folks here say that she is the most treacherous of all the volcanoes. They say that no living being dares to make a home on those plains because the mountain would not tolerate it."
Ok, Nick felt as if he had just fallen into twilight zone, since when did Gil Grissom, scientist and science freak par excellence believe in folk tales?
"Gil, that's just a story."
His lover sent him a look and shrugged. Still not believing his ears and eyes, Nick just stared as Gil left their rental and motioned for him to do the same. Standing on the black sand, Nick felt Gil walk up behind him and wrap him in his arms.
"This country cannot be explained completely by science. There is more here."
Nick turned and shook his head.
"Who are you and what have you done to the real Gil Grissom."
Instead of an answer, Gil just laughed and nudged Nick back to the car.
"Get in, we're almost there"
Following his lover's orders Nick sat down again, yet when Gil started the car, he looked outside again and wondered.
"Just where in all world's is ‘there'?"
---
"It never gets any easier, does it?"
Vega looked tiredly at Catherine, who was staring at the crime scene. She looked up and their eyes met. No, finding a child dead didn't get easier, and neither did walking onto a crime scene knowing that a young life had been taken.
"No it doesn't, but this is worse than what we normally see."
She was pale and Vega understood her anguish. From what they had gathered just by the preliminary search of the crime scene and the body, the young girl had suffered a terrible ordeal before her death. Vega had needed more than a second to get his stomach settled again and for Catherine, a mother of another young girl it had to be even worse.
"I went through the room, there's blood and semen everywhere."
Warrick's voice was as pained as Cat's and the two CSIs looked at each other sadly yet determined.
"At least we got DNA"
It was a stark comment and didn't help to make working the scene easier. Vega excused himself and left the house in order to talk to the neighbours although he already was quite sure that no one would have seen or heard anything. It just was this kind of neighbourhood.
"Are you holding up?"
Cat smiled at the concern in her colleague's voice and nodded tersely, she already knew that they would have to work a double shift especially with Nick and Gil not around, but nevertheless she planned on spending at least a couple of hours with Lindsey.
Just to be sure, just to know that she was alive.
"Got some prints here"
Warrick dusted the door handle and took the prints while she walked over to the next door and looked at the uniformed cop standing there.
"This room been cleared too?"
The dark haired man just looked at her and she felt as if his eyes were assessing her. She saw the flash of contempt in his eyes and knew where it came from. Anger spread through her, but she forced him to meet her eyes and saw that beneath the contempt there was fear.
"Yes it had been cleared, ma'am"
She felt Warrick's eyes on her back as she entered the dark room and gasped. Immediately her colleague was next to her and although he supported her, she could feel from the shivers in his body that he was just as affected as her.
They were staring into a torture chamber.
---
Nick stared at Gil as if he had gone insane and Gil smiled lightly when his lover started to speak.
"You want me to follow you inside that ice cave and get underneath of tons of ice on a glacier which by the way covers a volcano that might erupt anytime?"
He could hear the disbelief in the clear voice and smiled. Nick was a born and bred Texan and volcanoes, glacier and ice didn't really belong to the daily occurrences in the Southern state. With a fond smile, Gil remembered that he had reacted the same way, when Erik had taken him to this place so many years ago. Then it had seemed almost like a murder attempt, but the local had just laughed and led him under the ice towards a place that Gil had never forgotten.
"Trust me Nick, if the volcano was close to an eruption, they would have stopped us miles ago. The entire island is perfectly monitored by scientists."
He saw the fidgeting of his lover and held out his hand.
"This is the reason I brought you here, this place under the ice, is what I want to share with you."
Maybe it wasn't exactly fair play, but Gil didn't care when Nick took his hand and followed him down the small trail leading them underneath the ice. One thing that Gil had noted the first time and every time since was how every sound was drowned out under the snow. It was completely and perfectly silent, for the first few feet it was light, then it got darker again and Gil used his flash light to show the way.
"Where are you taking us?"
He felt Nick close behind him and smiled when the small path suddenly widened and he heard Nick gasp.
"Here"
Gil turned and looked at Nick who just stared. They were standing in a large hall, for the lack of a better word, light filtered through although it wasn't clear where it came from, they were underneath a glacier but the ‘hall' was warm.
"What is this place?"
Nick had walked up to him and looked mesmerized.
"Scientifically speaking, this is what happens when a volcano erupts under a glacier. The fire will melt several tons of ice, which freezes again and melts continuously until the pressure is too much and the glacier bursts, then all the water flows over the plains creating those sand deserts we drove over. Once the eruption stops, the glacier keeps growing and moving not unlike a very, very slow river and the ‘hall' created by the eruption moves further away from the volcano's mouth. Geologists estimate that this hall must have been built about two-thousand years ago."
"It's beautiful"
Nick's voice was full of awe and admiration as he leaned against Gil. Turning slowly he met his lover's eyes.
"Thank you for bringing me here."
The love in those dark eyes almost made Gil forget about the one treat that made this ‘hall' so special and watching his step he walked closer to the water. Nick's hand tightened in his.
"Watch out Gil"
Gil reached out, drew his love towards him and began to unbutton Nick's jacket.
"What are you doing?"
He smiled and looked up into confused brown eyes.
"Taking a bath"
---
Sara sat in the break room waiting for Warrick and Cat to fill her in. The case had affected them all, the things they had found and seen mostly too horrific to be forgotten for a long time. She sighed partly relieved that it hadn't been her assigned to it, partly feeling guilty for that relief. It didn't matter though, from what they had found, the assumption that more than one child could be a victim was terribly real and so she listened to the gruesome facts.
"That's what we have so far."
Catherine's voice wavered a bit and there were tears in her eyes, Sara was surprised at the sudden surge of protectiveness she felt towards the other woman and for once going with her instincts, she got up and put an arm around Catherine.
"Why don't you go home and see Lindsey for an hour or two? There isn't that much you can do right now and if anything urgent happens I'll call you."
She felt Warrick's eyes on her back, but forced herself not to back down even though caring for someone or more precisely showing that care was unfamiliar. But she had promised herself in Gil's office that she would become more open, that she would live again.
Why not start today?
Catherine looked at her and the gratitude in the clear eyes made Sara swallow hard.
"Thanks"
The older woman left the break room and Warrick looked intently at Sara.
"What?"
He grinned and crooked one eyebrow.
"First Gil, then you... There must be something in the water?"
More confused than irritated she sent him a glance.
"Becoming human, I mean."
---
"I can't believe I'm sitting in a hot pool underneath a glacier."
Nick was floating in the hot water and felt as if he was dreaming. Those entire four days had been like a dream, he had seen parts of Gil's personality that he had not known. This though, this surreal but incredibly beautiful place was beyond anything he had ever seen. Soft skin pressed up against his body and he was drawn into Gil's arms. Resting his head on his lover's shoulder, he gave himself over to the feeling of security and love.
"If you ever feel down or like you are not good enough, think back to this place and how perfectly you fit into that majestic setting."
The words were whispered against his skin and made him tense slightly. He'd feared that Gil would bring it up again, but he didn't want to talk about it, not now and somehow Gil seemed to read his mind as instead of asking more questions, he started to kiss and nibble at his ear.
"Relax my love, relax and let me take care of you."
Soft kisses rained down on the warm skin where the water didn't cover him while skilled hands went to caress and explore under the water making his blood boil. Nick leaned back and moaned lightly.
"Give yourself over to me"
A whispered command that Nick could not refuse and he let Gil take care of him, trusting his lover with his heart, body and soul.
---
"No Nick"
Gil immediately quietened his voice as people in the plane turned around and looked at him. But he didn't release his hold on Nick's hand, his mind spinning after the words Nick had just said.
‘Maybe it is better if I leave the department'
"No Nick, if you leave, they will win and what for? I need you to keep working with me, to be the one who can emphasise with the families and the victims. I can't do that, Warrick can't and Sara neither but you are can and this is so vital..."
He trailed off remembering how often he had scolded Nick for exactly the thing he praised him for now, Gil cursed himself when he saw Nick's dark eyes on him with sadness in it and for a moment he wondered what he could say. He decided on honesty after just a moment of consideration.
"Hell Nick, I know that I tell you off because of it, but truth is our team needs someone like you and it is not all, you are an exceptional CSI and I can tell you one thing, Cat would not have recommended you for the lead CSI position if you weren't good enough for it... So don't go throwing it all away now please!"
Nick was silent, too silent but when he spoke again, there was a smile in his eyes and his hand turned in Gil's hold, caressing the strong hand gently.
"Gil, I don't want to leave, I love my job... I just thought it would make it easier for you and me..."
He trailed off and then looked at his lover incredulously.
"Cat recommended me for lead CSI?"
His voice was almost a squeak and Gil couldn't help the smile in his face.
"She did"
Nick shook his head and smiled happily.
"Wow"
The flight attendant came around and as Gil asked for champagne he felt Nick's questioning eyes on him. His stomach tensed as he realized that this was his final chance, he had wanted to ask his lover since they had boarded the plane to Iceland and hadn't found the courage to do so until now, thirty minutes before they would land in Las Vegas, back home.
"What's the occasion?"
Nick smiled and carefully caressed his hand trying not to draw too much attention to them and yet still show his love. Gil shivered at the tender touch and turned to meet Nick's eyes.
"I wanted to say thanks for forgiving me... and for giving me another chance..."
Gil trailed off cursing himself slightly, he wasn't used to declarations of love and certainly had never intended to make such a statement in the middle of a plane even if they flew business class and had some more space to themselves. He took another deep breath and when he saw that Nick wanted to speak, he held up his hand to prevent him from saying anything. He needed to say this now or he would lose his courage immediately.
"Nick will you move in with me?"
He forced himself to look into the brown eyes and saw the moment when the meaning of his words hit Nick, but instead of the shock he had anticipated, he saw love and a wonderful smile starting to light the dark eyes.
"I love you"
It was not an answer but as he saw Nick's bright smile, he knew what his lover would decide and shortly after Nick confirmed it.
"Of course I'll move in with you!"
The low sound of the warning bell announced that they had to fasten their seatbelts and soon enough they were descending and saw the skyline of Las Vegas glittering in the darkness.
"Home"
Nick's voice sounded wistful and Gil could understand him for he felt the same, happy to be home and yet at the same time sad that their mini break was finished.
----
"Hey guys, I need to talk to you before Gil and Nick come in tonight."
Sara, Cat and Greg looked surprised and a bit concerned Warrick noted. And somehow it fit, cause what he wanted to talk about was serious and he wanted to talk about it without Nick or Gil hearing it. They had been through enough during the past couple of months and the last thing Warrick wanted was another episode like the one last week happening.
"Look, we've been out on scenes since the thing happened and ..."
He trailed off, when he saw Brass walking inside the break room, but after an encouraging look from Catherine, he continued to speak.
"... I mean you can't tell me that you haven't noticed how the cops are around us. They are barely civil with us and I fear how they will treat Gil or Nick."
Warrick remembered only too well, the way the cops had reacted those few times, the CSI had extended their investigations to include one of theirs and with a sideway glance to Brass he braced himself before he continued.
"We have to watch out for them..."
Again he trailed off, suddenly unsure by the dark, sad look that was on the Captain's face, but before he could say anything else, Brass finished the sentence for him.
"... cause those that should won't."
There was an uneasy silence in the room as each of the team members realized that this simple but harsh statement was not only true for Gil and Nick but for themselves too. Sara and Cat shared a look and Warrick saw the short moment of fear in Greg's features before his face returned to normal. Brass who, like Warrick had watched them all, cleared his voice.
"Look, I know who's loyal to whom and I'll make sure that the right ones are assigned to your cases, but I can't promise more.
The look in Brass' eyes said more than that, and Warrick realized that this entire mess had hit the Captain more than he had let on. He felt for the man, cause it had to be hell to stand between his subordinates and his friends.
"Don't worry Warrick, we'll look out for them."
Catherine's voice was strong and confident and as she smiled they couldn't help but answer it. The tension lessened and slowly the talk turned to different topics.
---
Conrad had not slept well; dreams had haunted him, dreams in which he wasn't the investigator but the cause for the investigation, dreams in which he had been on the dark side of humanity. He was tired and he was on the edge. He knew it and as he realized how his team members tried to stay out of his way hoping to get through the day without attracting his attention, he had taken action.
Finally he had retreated into his office and tried to concentrate on the reports that had been due three weeks ago. Normally the mind numbing work would have been enough to make him calm down and become more mellow, but today it seemed to enhance his restlessness instead and with a curse he got up.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
"Talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity."
A low chuckle accompanied the words from the door and made him wince as he jerked around. Brass was standing in the door, one arm still in a sling, but looking much better than the last time he had seen him. For a short moment Conrad forgot what he had wanted to say and immediately cursed himself for it.
"You ok?"
There was something in Brass' voice that made him look closer at the cop. It was a dark undertone and it made him shiver lightly. The captain obviously waited for an answer and with a fake smile he grinned.
"Sure, just fucking tired with the bullshit some idiots of my team did today."
Jim shook his head smiling lightly and this time the smile reached his eyes.
"Well, I leave you to your reports then... Have a good night."
Conrad nodded, but as Brass left his eyes followed the Captain until he turned around the corner and was out of sight. Something was wrong, but he couldn't pinpoint it and with a sigh he returned to his reports trying to push aside the small ache in his heart.
It was silly to feel bad that Brass wouldn't talk to him about what was bothering him. Completely and utterly silly...
---
Nick smiled as he saw Gil yawning on their drive over to the lab. There was a time difference of seven hours between Vegas and Iceland, but even more than that it was always hard to get back into the routine of the nightshift after holidays.
And of course the seemingly endless days in the Northern country had not helped them sleep. It didn't matter though, they had had their fun, now it was back to work. At the thought of work, Nick had to suppress a shiver and he frowned.
"What's wrong love?"
Gil had seen his dark look and Nick considered a moment to shrug it off, but then thought better and as they walked towards the lab, he explained quietly.
"It's just that I feel like everyone is still whispering behind my back after this case and that even though I have been cleared, they still think I am guilty."
He felt his lover's eyes on himself and saw how anger had darkened them, they reminded him of the angry and raging sea they had seen on the cost in Iceland and as Gil spoke his voice was just as cold.
"You have done nothing wrong and if anyone treats you differently, they will have to answer to me."
He saw the determination and the unwavering support and love in Gil's eyes and it made him smile the first real smile since they had woken up this morning. Gathering his courage, he straightened his back and walked inside the glass building.
"Nick, Gil, good you're here... We have a DB and since we three are busy with this children case, it's your body."
Catherine's voice was drawn and tight and even a quick glance at his friend told Nick that whatever this children case entailed must have taken a heavy toll on the older CSI. He looked at her concerned, but she shook her head.
"Don't ask Nick, I can't allow myself to think about it really, cause if I do, I'll break down."
Nick shivered at the pain in her voice and looking at Gil, he gestured that he was going to get their kits while Catherine could update her Co-Supervisor about the ongoing cases. He saw his lover nod and left them alone, walking over to the locker room to get changed and grab their stuff.
He had just unbuttoned his shirt and was reaching for the usual work outfit, when Warrick walked into the room.
"Hey bro, how was the trip?"
The question brought all the incredible memories to the surface and for a moment Nick lost himself in them.
"Ok, ok, you don't even have to say anything, I get it..."
Smiling a bit sheepish, Nick looked at Warrick and saw the dark rings under his eyes, the tension in his body, the exhaustion in the slower than normal movements.
"Warrick, are you ok?"
He saw the shiver that ran through Warrick at the question and then his friend shrugged.
"Bad case, that's all."
Nick sighed and sat down next to him deciding that Gil's talk with Catherine would last long enough that he could quickly make sure that his friend wasn't breaking down. Tentatively he put a hand on Warrick's shoulder.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Warrick looked up and smiled with gratitude in his eyes, but he shook his head.
"Not now, but when it's all over... I think I'll need some space then."
Nick tensed at Warrick's wording and looked closer. ‘Needing some space' was Warrick's way of telling him that he was close to break down, close to give into the temptation to forget everything at a casino table. It was like a code word between them and Nick nodded softly.
"Just let me know when ok?"
Warrick swallowed, got up and left the room. Sighing lightly Nick got up, grabbed his kit and walked back out to the car. Gil was already standing there, his face a mask.
"What did Catherine say?"
Gil was silent for a long time, then he started to speak slowly and a sick feeling spread through Nick. He had not lied this morning, when he had told Gil how much he loved his job. But there were moments he hated it. Cases that hit a bit too close to home.
This was one.
---
Asked later Conrad would never be able to answer why he had gone to that bar, but as he walked outside of the lab, reports finished and delivered, he saw the neon sign of the new lounge bar right across the building and decided to finish the day with a quick drink.
He didn't do that often, didn't drink much. The habit of drinking orange juice at receptions and aperos had been ingrained into him for too long, that he could break it now and so he ordered a cranberry juice with water, smirking at the surprised look he got from the waiter.
The lounge was dimly lit, comfortable and cosy. The patrons were mostly young, successful and fashion addicts. Looking at the crowd and the décor, Ecklie couldn't help thinking that this was a New York bar, no, a Manhattan bar... the people, the waiters everything would have been perfect for a downtown bar in Soho, but here in Vegas, just across the CSI lab, the bar didn't fit in.
Neither did the man his eyes fell on and for a moment Conrad froze. Jim Brass was the last person he wanted to see and yet now that he had seen him, he couldn't ignore him. Grabbing his drink, he got up and sat down in the armchair next to Brass'.
"Nightcap?"
Brass looked up from glass of bourbon he had been staring into and for a moment, Ecklie thought he saw joy in the blue eyes, before a certain wariness settled in them.
"Just needed to get my mind off everything."
The honest answer surprised Conrad and looking at the glass he wondered how many of such drinks, Jim had already had.
"The shooting still bothering you?"
He saw the shiver that ran through the Captain's body and couldn't suppress a shiver himself. He might be able to talk about the incident calmly but that didn't stop his heart from racing and clenching every time he thought of how close he had come to lose Jim. For a moment there was an awkward silence and without wanting to, Conrad found himself watching Jim's hand as he played with the drink. Jim had strong, capable hands, hands that were not afraid of acting, hands that...
He averted his eyes as he focused on his own drink, but the thought came back to his mind and with the thought the fantasy he had never allowed himself.
How would it be to feel Jim's hands on his body?
"It's not the shooting, it's why it happened..."
Jim's words tore him away from his dream and back into the cruel reality, Conrad heard the sadness in the words and looking concerned at the other man he noted the trembling in his hands.
"You know sometimes I wonder..."
Again Brass trailed off and took another sip from his drink, then as if he was steeling himself, Brass took a deep breath.
"Sometimes I wonder, if I were still alive, had I ever had the courage that Nick and Gil have."
The sentence didn't make any sense in Conrad's mind, but that might just have been because his brain was currently not working. He must have misunderstood, cause there was no way...
"You are..."
He didn't say it, couldn't say it, but he forced himself to look at Jim. He saw fear in the other man's eyes and realized that he had not misunderstood anything. Brass had just told him that he was gay too.
"I am... But had I ever been honest about it, I'd probably be dead now."
A shiver ran through Conrad and for once his control slipped and he spoke without thinking.
"No"
It was just one word, but he heard himself how much stood behind those two letters, how many emotions were in there and when he saw Brass look at him, he shook his head.
"Don't say something like this... I can't think of..."
He caught himself before he could say something unforgivable and swallowed harshly. Jim looked at him quizzically and finally smiled.
"Thanks, I think"
Conrad couldn't help responding to that smile and just like that all that shit that had happened during the day fell away. The lightness he felt scared him, but at the same time was so freeing that he couldn't wish for this state to last.
"I think I should head home, never know when I get called out again."
Jim got up and swayed for a moment and immediately Conrad stood next to him. He had no idea how much the other man had drunk, but there was no way he would let him drive.
"Jim, give me your key, I'll drive you home."
The older man looked at him and frowned.
"I'm fine Conrad, really, just had one drink."
But he didn't look fine, his skin was pale and shaking his head Conrad just held out his hand. Sighing audibly and muttering something about CSI's Brass handed him the key and after paying his drink, they left. After the short disagreement, there was a certain tension in the car and both men were silent apart from the short directions that Brass gave Ecklie. Conrad nodded and drove according to the Captains guidance, never admitting that he knew the way to Jim's house by heart already.
Finally they were there and Jim suddenly turned over and looked at Conrad. He felt the intensive look and suddenly had an idea how the criminals felt when Brass interrogated them. For a long time, Jim didn't say anything, then suddenly he spoke.
"Why does it bother you so much to speak of the shooting? Why did you run from the hospital Conrad? What is it that you can't...?"
He was trapped in Jim's gaze and Conrad felt his heart race. It was as if he was watching himself in slow motion as he lifted his hand to Jim's face. It was madness, complete and utter madness, but he couldn't stop himself as he leaned over. Inches away from Jim he finally answered the question.
"Because I never thought I could lose you, because it hurt me too much to see you injured and in pain, because I can't imagine you gone..."
He saw surprise and something else in Jim's eyes, but before the other man could say anything else, he closed the distance between them and shutting the voice in the back of his mind that told him to stop and regain control over his feelings, Conrad leaned in completely and kissed Jim Brass for the first time in his life.
Gil still felt bile in his mouth from the pictures Catherine had shown him and a quick look told him that Nicky felt the same although he hadn't seen the details. There were cases that affected him and whenever children were involved, it was hard for Gil to maintain the aloof mask. He was silently glad that they had been called to a different crime scene and as he felt Nick's hand in his for a second he realized that his lover thought so too.
"O'Reilly, what do you have for us?"
He hadn't looked at the detective while he asked and as he turned and looked at the other man, he suddenly had a cold feeling in his stomach. O'Reilly had been a cop for decades and to make him look like he was now, pale and nauseous, the crime scene had to be incredible. Gil looked at Nick and saw that his lover had figured out the same thing and looked apprehensive.
"Dead kid... Looks like a dump, but it's not... not pretty"
He steeled himself, but there were sights where no experience and no text book could prepare for and to see a young body so terribly mutilated and abused was something that would always affect Gil. He heard a sharp intake of breath and looked at Nick who was pale. For a moment he wondered if he should say something, but his lover beat him to it.
"I'll call Catherine and then start with the parameters."
Nick's voice was steady and only someone who knew him as well as Gil did, saw the effort it cost Nick to remain so detached. He told Catherine with short words about their case and then handed the phone over to Gil without saying anything. Gil watched as Nick kneeled down next to the dead boy and felt a shiver run over his spine, there had been something in Nick's eyes...
"Grissom, can you give us a call when you're on the way back to the lab? We have to sit together... "
He agreed with Catherine and promised to call her, then before he could end the call, she suddenly spoke again.
"And Gil, keep an eye on Nick, will you?"
The cryptic comment intensified his worries and as he started searching for any evidence that could lead them to those who had killed and dumped this young boy, he kept one eye on his lover suddenly wishing with all his heart that they were still in Iceland, that they could retreat into their secret cave and just hide from the world. He closed his eyes in despair for a moment, but immediately opened them and searched on.
---
When they finally met in the lab, the strain the case took on each of them was visible. Catherine looked drawn, Sara was ghastly pale and the absence of any banter between Warrick and Nick spoke volumes of how the case affected the two younger men. The only one who seemed to be as calm and composed as usual was Grissom and everyone in the team knew that the calm façade was exactly that, a façade. One after each other they presented their findings, then as they recapitulated, Sara suddenly said something that shook everyone.
"You know we have two dead children, children that must have been missing for a while and yet we don't have any missing persons, nothing matches. It's like these kids don't exist."
Everyone was silent for a moment, then Warrick said what they all thought but didn't dare speaking out loud.
"Either that or they know exactly what has happened to them."
They didn't know which was worse.
Catherine had tried to keep an eye on Nick without the younger man noticing, but as he looked at her annoyed she realized that she had failed. Shortly after the meeting, he met her outside and looked at her for a moment.
"If you keep looking at me like this, Gil will notice and start asking questions."
Nick kept his voice low and there was a cold and hard undertone. Catherine looked at her younger colleague and understood what he wasn't saying and yet she could barely believe it. Didn't want to believe it and yet it made sense. Made sense that Nick in his unique way of thinking had not told his lover about the abuse, had not wanted to ‘burden' him with the knowledge.
"Are you telling me, that he doesn't know?"
Without wanting to, she had raised her voice and he immediately dragged her towards an empty lab, Catherine followed him and held her tongue until the door was closed behind him.
"Nick, how can you tell me that a relationship is about communicating and talking and then at the same time, not tell your partner about something that grave?"
Catherine shook her head, but stopped anything she was about to say when her eyes fell on Nick again, he was pale and shivering. There was more to this issue than she had thought and suddenly she wished she could take her harsh words back. Trying to calm him, she put a hand onto his arm when he looked at her.
"Cat, don't you understand? If he finds out, he's gonna leave me."
For a moment she was sure that she had misheard, but a glance at his eyes told her that Nick indeed thought that Gil was going to leave him once he knew about the abuse he had endured while still a child. She wanted to say something, wanted to talk to him, but before she could say anything, Warrick burst into the room.
"A woman has just reported her kid missing, it matches the description. She's coming in now to see her."
A shiver went through Catherine at the thought of a mother having to see her daughter in such a way. She couldn't imagine anything ever happening to Lindsey and just the idea that this could... She closed her eyes and pushed the thought away far away in that corner of her mind where her nightmares hid during the day. Looking at Warrick, she saw the strain in his eyes and realized that he wouldn't be able to deal with the woman.
"I'll accompany her."
She left, but at the door sent another look towards Nick, a look that said everything.
‘We're not done yet.'
---
Nick inwardly sighed as Catherine left, why did she have to bring this up now? Couldn't she see that he was on the brink anyways? The picture of the dead boy appeared in front of his eyes as soon as he closed them, mixed with the memories of...
Darkness threatened him as memories and images rose and he shivered violently. Not now, he pleaded with his mind, please not now, I can't face those images now. Silently he focused on Gil and those few days they had spent together, tried to conjure the ice cave before his eyes and slowly felt his body relax and his breathing calm down. Finally able to work again, he pushed any thoughts on himself away and concentrated on the job. Warrick was still in the room and together with his friend, Nick started to examine the clothing.
They found various fibres and DNA, again despair threatened to overwhelm Nick as he realized how most of this DNA had ended up on the boy's body. He locked his eyes with Warrick and saw the same horror reflected back in the green eyes of his friend. None of the DNA from the first body had shown up in any database and even though they all were working hard, they still had nothing, no suspect or even a hint who could have done this.
"It makes me sick"
Nick saw that Warrick's face was pale under the dark skin and that his friend was having a hard time concealing how much this case affected him. For a moment he wondered if he should be honest and tell Warrick how much it affected him too, but realized again that he couldn't talk about it now and so he just nodded. His friend though picked up on his mood and looked at him closely.
"You ok man?"
Once again he nodded and waited with apprehension for Warrick to ask again, but as if the other man had realized that every question was likely to break Nick, he was silent, just looked at him concerned until Nick finally broke.
"Time to go flying"
Warrick nodded and briefly leaned over the table and squeezed his hand, he didn't say anything and Nick was grateful for it. They continued in silence, engrossed in their work when Sara burst into the room.
"She's the mother."
Nick saw that she was swaying between excitement and anger, excitement that maybe they had finally caught a break and anger at a woman who had not reported her daughter missing. A mother who had waited long enough for the young girl to endure such terrible abuse, yet even as he thought so, Nick shook his head. Don't assume, he silently told himself, you don't know why she didn't report it.
They followed Sara through the lab to the room where they could observe the interview. Nick's heart clenched at the sight of the woman sitting in the room with Grissom and Vega, she was visibly distraught and having a hard time to speak in between sobs.
"I have to ask you this, Mrs. Handing, I am sorry, but how come you only noticed now that your daughter was missing?"
Nick exchanged looks with Sara and Warrick at the friendly and yet slightly accusatory question. The mother however just shook her head and shivered.
"I was in New York for work, it's not the first time that I had to go and my sister always looked after Vanessa. She likes it, living in our house for a while and Vanessa loves her aunt. I was only gone for four days..."
Nick took a closer look at the woman and now he could see it, could see the high class business suit, the well-manicured nails, the careful make-up... As if she had felt his look, she fingered her suit before she sobbed again.
"You said that your sister came over to your house to look after Vanessa. Why is that?"
Mrs. Handing shrugged, then shook her head.
"I don't want Vanessa to... oh my god..."
She broke down once again and Vega gestured for a glass of water to be brought to her.
Nick just watched her and tried to tune out the nagging voice in his head, it was a familiar voice and what it told him was just as familiar and yet with the memory of Gil's love he managed to silence it almost...
He almost didn't listen when it told him that no one would break down, were he the victim.
----
It was hard to watch the woman break down, but Sara forced herself not to turn away. She needed to see this and at the end of the shift when she was tired and longed to go home, she would remember the crying woman and her desperation at seeing her daughter like this.
"What didn't you Vanessa want to do?"
Grissom's voice was friendly and yet he still managed to keep a certain detachment in his words that enabled the distraught woman to find her composure and speak on.
"I didn't want her to go over and stay at my sister's house. Her husband can be violent and I don't...didn't want Vanessa to be..."
Sara saw Vega exchange a look with Grissom, before he put a picture of the dead boy in front of her eyes, she took one look and stared at the two men and Sara felt a shiver running down her spine.
"Patrick"
Vega's voice was soft and yet urgent.
"Do you recognize the boy?"
Vanessa's mother nodded and then silently as if she couldn't believe it herself explained.
"He's my sister's stepson."
This time Sara actually trembled and didn't listen to the interview anymore while she forced herself to calm down and push those dark emotions away. She had never dealt with any of those emotions and she surely wouldn't start now. A familiar name brought her attention back to the interview and as Grissom repeated the address where Vanessa's aunt lived Sara felt Nick tense next to her and exchanged a look with him. The address was only a few blocks away from where they had found the girl.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Warrick's voice was tight and barely controlled. Sara could understand him, but before she agreed with him or even gave an answer the CSI in her came back and she answered quickly, curtly.
"Wait for the evidence"
It earned her a glare from her colleagues, but at the same time, they probably had expected her to react like this. Just then Catherine came into the room.
"Vega is getting the warrant, we meet him there."
Sara nodded and together with the other four they drove to the house of Vanessa's aunt. Something inside her screamed to run away and hide, but she knew that they all felt like this and as she looked at Catherine who drove their car, she suddenly heard herself do something she hadn't done in ages, she heard herself ask for help.
"When this is over, will you have time for a coffee?"
Sara felt herself blush, when Catherine looked at her confused and surprised. Inwardly she steeled herself for rejection when her colleague suddenly smiled.
"Sure, just let me know."
Asking for help was never easy for her, but she was getting better and as Catherine once again smiled, Sara realized that the reward was worth the fear of rejection.
---
Vanessa's aunt lived in a good neighbourhood and for a while Warrick just stared at the white picket fence, the American flag and the groomed lawn.
"Picture perfect"
Nick's dark voice was hard and he looked at his friend questioningly. The Texan only shrugged, and then as he followed him into the garden and towards the door, he pointed at their surroundings.
"I grew up in a neighbourhood like this, you know... picture perfect... and no one cares to look deeper, no matter how loud the screams are or how dark the bruises... If you have your picket fence, your flag and your bible, you can't do wrong."
There was much bitterness in those words and Warrick remembered their talk about Nick's coming out, he remembered that Nick had spoken about some of his siblings still not speaking to him and with a suddenly heavy heart he wondered what else had happened during Nick's childhood that would make him say something like this.
"Mr. Petersen, Detective Vega from LVPD, and this is Gil Grissom from the crime lab with his team. We have a warrant to search your premises, would you and your family please step out and wait while we're proceed?"
Petersen was a tall blond man, good looking in many ways and yet there was something cold, something reckless about him that made Warrick shiver He saw how the man looked at Grissom and then without moving an inch rudely questioned his boss.
"On what grounds is this warrant? Don't you have better things to do?"
Warrick saw how Grissom straightened and looked at the suspect with that air that had him looking down at the other man despite being smaller than him.
"Your son and your niece have been murdered, they endured hours of terrible abuse, and now let me ask you this, do you think we have better things to do?"
Petersen glared at Grissom but stepped aside without saying anything instead calling for his wife and kids. Warrick noticed that there was anger and something akin to hatred in the suspect's behaviour, but even more struck him that the other man had not once commented on the fact that his kid and his niece had been killed.
---
Gil watched as two officers lead Mr. Petersen and two other men away, he had to force himself to remain calm and not give into the urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. He felt dirty from just sitting in the same room as those men.
Petersen's casual words still rang in his ears.
‘How am I supposed to know what that brat is doing all the time?'
None of the men had confessed to being part of the abuse and the murder of two kids, but they had been able to match the DNA from the bodies to them and in Petersen's house they had found enough evidence to convict them even without a confession.
Vanessa and Patrick had been avenged and yet he didn't feel any better than before, there was no satisfaction in the knowledge that their killers were behind bars, no cause for celebration because no matter what, those two kids were dead, had died a terrible death and wouldn't come back.
"Grissom, can we have a quick word?"
Brass stood in the door and hovered at the entrance. Gil wasn't in the mood for a chat with anyone, but after a short look at the clock he shrugged and waived him in. He watched the other man close the door and draw the blinds closing them off from prying eyes.
"What's this about?"
Jim's eyes were somehow unfocused and for a moment, Gil wasn't sure if the other man had been drinking or not, however knowing about Jersey he pushed the thought away immediately and when Brass started to speak, he understood the hesitance.
"Warrick told me that there have been some uncomfortable encounters for him and the rest of the team after Ecklie busted the two cops that tried to set up Nick."
Brass trailed off and Gil waited for a while until the Captain once again found his words and continued.
"I just wanted to assure you that I've talked to several detectives and will make sure that none of those that didn't express loyalty towards you and Nick will ever work with you or your team. Just thought that it's better you hear it from me... I'm not doing this to hold you back or anything, no matter what you might hear...."
He could easily hear the underlying anger in Brass' voice, see it in the Captain's eyes, but what surprised him was the hidden pain. For a second he wondered if he should say anything, but knowing Jim the way he did, Grissom knew that the cop would not appreciate the question. Instead so he told Brass another truth.
"I'm scared Jim, I'm scared that something could happen to him while I'm not there."
Again, Brass' eyes showed that pain for a second, but again it was gone before Gil could comment on it. The captain was silent, seemed deep in thought, almost as if he was considering something, finally though he looked up and there was a determined look in his face.
"Fromansky and the rest won't act against you. They have been warned."
Grissom knew that it was all that Brass could give him and with as shrug he looked at his friend. The silence stretched between them until Brass looked up again.
"Believe me Grissom, I don't like it either. But it's all I can do."
"Thanks Jim, it's more than I could ask for."
Gil smiled and looked at the watch. The end of their shift couldn't have come at a better time and getting up he shut his computer down and left the office. Brass smiled as he followed him outside and saw Nick standing there. He waved at the younger CSI and said good-bye to Grissom.
Gil on the other hand walked towards Nick leaning against the car and for a second was stunned by the beauty of his lover. Nick's hair shone in the morning sun and his body looked lean and fit, it was only when Gil came closer that he noted the unnatural paleness of his lover and like a fist in his stomach their latest case came crashing back into his mind.
He had managed to forget it for an entire quarter hour, but one look at Nick and all the pain and anger were back. And once again Gil was glad that Nick was in his life.
He had seen hell today, but Nick had been there with him and for once Gil wouldn't be left alone to deal with the aftermath.
---
‘Fromansky and the rest won't act against you. They have been warned.'
Jim knew that Gil had no idea what he had said with those short words and somehow he, himself, still had a hard time understanding the truth behind it. And yet he knew that they were true, had heard those words himself this morning and they had shaken him to the core.
Conrad had been silent after his confession, but Jim had felt the tension in the lean body against his and when he hadn't spoken for too long the tension had shifted into silent tremors.
‘I've lost you, haven't I?'
The words had been silent, calm and if Jim hadn't been so close to Conrad he would have believed the lie, the mask. But the body next to him had betrayed his lover and so Jim had turned around and finally found his voice again.
‘No, you haven't'
They had been silent for a long time, the unspoken words stretching between them until Jim had not been able to stand the tension anymore.
‘Why did you do it?'
Instead of an answer, he had been drawn against Conrad's body, the taller man blanketing him with strength and tenderness. Clear eyes had met his, eyes so full of emotions that it had taken his breath away and when Conrad had softly run a hand over his injured shoulder, Jim had finally understood.
‘You could have died.'
It hadn't been an answer he'd expected and yet Jim had known that it was the truth. He hadn't answered, just moved closer against the other man, his lover enjoying the feeling of safety and love.
There was still much about Conrad he didn't know. Jim thought about that simple fact as he walked away from Grissom's office and over towards the other supervisor's place. For a moment he just stood in the door watching the man who had turned his world up side down last night. He knew that he wouldn't remain unnoticed for much longer and true to this, his lover looked up and for a moment a brilliant smile crossed over his face, before the usual mask fell in place again.
"Captain Brass, what can I do for you?"
Jim walked into the office completely, closed the door behind him and looking at the other man he smirked lightly before he leaned over the desk.
"Now or later?"
The blush in Conrad's face surprised him, but the supervisor recovered fast and his voice was almost steady as he answered ‘now'. Jim took the hint and for the next half hour the two men talked about nothing but business. It wasn't until Brass got up to leave, that Ecklie's hand reached out and stopped him.
"You're around later?"
Jim smiled at the casual question, but the burning passion in the other man's eyes made him shiver as he nodded.
"Good, so maybe we can catch a drink together before going home."
He knew it was dangerous, but he couldn't help teasing.
"Just a drink?"
Conrad's eyes seemed to burn with an even stronger passion as he looked at Jim, then slowly let his gaze wander over the Captain's body in an almost tangible caress. Finally his eyes stopped at Jim's groin for a tiny little moment, before he looked up again and smiled.
"Well, and a snack maybe..."
The thought alone made Jim groan and as he left the office the carefree laughter from Conrad Ecklie's office had the lab techs turn around surprised and shocked.
---
It was so dark, no light came through the windows and Nick shivered as he drew the blanket closer around his body. He squinted into the darkness and promised himself not to cry. He was a big boy, his mom had told him so... but Tanja had turned out the light in the corridor and now he was alone in the room... he looked over to the far wall, something had moved there and his lips quivered.
"Whose there?"
The shadows moved again and Nick remembered the monsters he had seen in the movies his bothers had watched and he had sneaked a peek. Eyes fixed on the shadow monster; he clutched his pet rabbit close to him and tried to lie as flat in the bed as possible, maybe if he was completely quiet then the monster would not see him...
It came nearer and Nick shrunk back, he trembled but still did not cry or call Tanja. What had she said?
‘You're a good boy Nicky, a handsome good boy.'
He didn't want her to be angry, so he stayed still even as the monster loomed over him and tore his blanket away. Nick stared at the dark monster snarling viciously and clutched at his pet, his body shivering as the face drew closer.
Hands were on him, touching him and even though he told himself that he was a big boy, and he would not cry, when they tore his rabbit away, he screamed.
---
Gil couldn't sleep, his sleep had been restless and disturbed by nightmares and after trying to find peace he had finally given up. He lay on his side watching his lover, letting the beloved features soothe his soul.
Tenderly he caressed the peaceful face, only to have Nick shiver and move away. The movement didn't concern him, but the shiver and the emotions that suddenly ran over his lover's face did. Nick's face was twisted in fear, no terror and suddenly Nick's body went rigid as if he were fighting against something. Gently, Gil reached out again, this time calling Nick's name in addition. It didn't help though and as he touched his lover's arm, Nick screamed.
Gil's heart threatened to stop at the heartbreaking scream, a scream full of terror and anguish and the pained expression in the beloved face.
Frantic now, he called Nick's name and tried to wake his lover.
"Nick, Nicky please wake up..."
He shivered when his lover twisted away from him again. What was happening to Nick, what horrors did the other man experience in his dreams?
"Nick, I'm here... please... please wake up."
He felt helpless and hated the feeling, but he had never dealt with something like this and the knowledge of his inexperience made him feel even more impotent. Finally though, Nick's sobs stopped and he jerked up from his sleeping position. Shivering frantically, he looked around with wide, terrified eyes and Gil realized with an answering shiver, that Nick was still caught in the hell of his dream.
His lover looked at him with eyes that didn't see him and silently praying that he did the right thing; Gil grabbed the blanket and softly, gently draped it around Nick's trembling body.
"Everything is alright Nicky, I am here... I am here..."
It was the right thing and Gil breathed a relieved sight, when he felt his lover relax under his hands. Slowly, gently he started kneading the tense muscles and with a sigh, Nick leaned back against him and turned around.
His eyes were clear now, none of the horrors were visible anymore and with a soft smile, Gil leaned over and caressed Nick's face.
"Everything is alright, love... I am with you, I've got you."
Nick was completely relaxed, and his body melded itself perfectly against Gil's. He still was trembling lightly and Gil just held him, caressing him slowly with soothing movements, he didn't know if he should say anything, but some gut feeling told him to just wait for Nick to speak.
"Sorry that I woke you up"
His lover's voice was timid and that wasn't something that Gil was used to in connection with Nick, neither was the fact that Nick shied away from his eyes, hiding his face against his chest.
"I wasn't asleep"
Yet his words didn't seem to have any effect on Nick and slowly, Gil's concern grew and a cold weight began to settle in his stomach.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
As soon as he had said those words, Nick tensed against him and silently Gil cursed himself. He should have remained silent, should have known that he didn't understand the concept of a true relationship... His silent arguing came to a halt, when he felt Nick's eyes on him.
"It was just a nightmare."
Something was wrong and that something made the hairs on Gil's neck stand up. The words had sounded dismissive, but the voice had been too flat and Nick's eyes held fear and sadness, but underneath it all there was another emotion one that first confused Gil, then though alerted him.
It was shame that he saw in those dark eyes.
Gently, yet trembling inside he reached out and caressed his lover's face gently. He wouldn't have noticed the flinch, had he not been looking for it specifically. But as it was he saw it and slowly dread began to settle in his heart.
"Was it yesterday's case?"
Nick tensed in his arms, and Gil could literally see how he forced himself to relax in his arms, how Nick tried to appear uninvolved.
"No... or yes..."
He could feel the frustration mounting in Nick and dreaded the explosion that would come with it. Gil wanted to say something, but again his heart told him to be silent and once again he listened to it.
"It woke some memories..."
He had dreaded those words, but nothing could have prepared him for the impact when he heard them. Still a tiny part of him hoped that he was wrong, that Nick was talking about another case, something he'd seen in Dallas, but...
"I was nine and she was a last minute babysitter..."
No...
Gil felt everything in his body scream in denial as he listened to the flat, fast words. No, this could not have happened to his Nick. He wanted to crush his lover against his body and fought against the stupid urge of protecting Nick with his body. It was too late now and yet he felt the need in every fibre. Then another terrifying thought hit him and he tensed, he was a criminal investigator, how had he not seen it?
His mind showed him snippets of their time together, moments where Nick had said something, things that should have triggered an alarm. Nick's words to Warrick that he was not worth fighting for, Nick's remarks about him not being good enough for Gil... Gil shook inwardly with tears when all those things finally fell in place and he realized that he had been as blind as those parents that he had cursed so many times.
He had had the evidence right in front of him, but had not seen the truth.
He knew he was tense and trembling at the same time and immediately felt Nick responding to his movement as his lover started to withdraw from his arms.
"Let me go"
Gil stared at Nick confused for a second, but as he saw the fear of rejection in his eyes, he understood and without a word drew the younger man closer. Softly leaning in, he kissed Nick's forehead, his eyes and finally the tender skin right below his ear. Nick shivered, but it wasn't passion more a violent release of tension and feeling him relax again, Gil whispered words of love and devotion in Nick's ear.
"I am not letting you go Nick, never will. You are so beautiful inside and outside, I love you Nick."
He felt the shivers that racked through Nick's slender form and had to hold his own tears back as desperate sobs shook the body in is arms, sobs that tore at his heart. Minutes seemingly turned into hours as Gil sat and held Nick, held him and let him cry, offered the safety of his body as Nick finally let all those tears fall and with them let go of the shame that had plagued him for so long.
"I love you, I won't leave you."
Gil's fingers threaded through Nick's hair as he continued to murmur in his lover's ear.
"You are so precious, and I feel so blessed that you love me."
Nick's body still shook in his arms, but the eyes that met his were free of tears and the only emotion that Gil could see was love. Tentatively, almost shyly, Nick reached out and caressed his face. Gil couldn't help but lean into the soft caress.
"Make love to me"
---
"Make love to me"
Nick felt Gil's body tense at his words and cursed himself. He should have known, should have known that no matter how much Gil loved him, this was too much for the other man to accept. Despite all the words, he'd spoken only moments ago, it was clear to him that Gil didn't want him anymore.
Shivering already with loss and coldness from the thought of being alone again, he tried to withdraw from Gil's arms only to find them closing around him more tightly.
"I told you before Nick, I won't let you go"
Soft words, soft and gentle and they made him look up and meet Gil's eyes. Nick shivered at the love he saw there, a love so strong and passionate that it made glitter like sapphires.
"I just don't want to hurt you."
Growling lightly, he looked at his lover hating the reaction and yet some part of his heart cherished the fact that Gil cared this much. He fought with himself, but finally his love won and caressing the arms that still held him close, he tried to explain Gil that he could never hurt him.
"I love you and I love making love with you. Gosh, Gil I mean sex with you is so incredible, so... so much more than sex and it's…"
He hated it, when his voice trailed off, but this time Gil didn't tense, just kept on touching him gently.
"It's what I need right now."
Nick had barely said the last word, when Gil's lips covered his, cutting off any words he'd wanted to say, savouring, arousing and thoroughly mapping out Nick's mouth. He had never shared kisses like this with anybody, never had experienced this complete balance of giving and taking and with a moan, Nick moved closer to his lover, feeling his own need push against Gil's causing yet another moan.
They undressed fast, getting rid of two boxer shorts didn't take that much time after all and Nick was frantic to feel Gil all around him, covering him with his body, loving him, making him whole again. He needed this joining to be passionate and shivered with impatience, when Gil instead mapped his body with tender kisses and soft touches.
"Gil, don't treat me like I'm going to break. I am not fragile."
He'd said it with more force than necessary and immediately regretted it, when Gil tensed. For a moment a harsh silence was in the room, but then Nick's eyes met Gil and he almost jerked back at the pain in the blue eyes.
"No Nick, you're not but I am."
The honest admission made him look at his lover more closely and he saw the deep lines of exhaustion and pain around his eyes, suddenly remembered how Gil always took cases with kids the hardest, how those cases were the only ones where Gil lost his detachment. Remorse crept up, but as if his lover had read his thoughts, Gil smiled and shook his head.
"Don't apologize now, just let me love you like I need. You might want passion, but I need tenderness, I need to touch you. I have to make sure that you are here, that you are with me..."
Before Gil could finish, Nick had lifted his head and kissed him tenderly. He caressed the lines in Gil's face with his lips and fingers, almost feeling as they flattened the more relaxed Gil got. Looking at his beloved Nick leaned back in the bed and gave himself over to Gil. He almost felt the blue eyes on his body and realized that never in his adult life had he felt so totally naked and exposed and yet so completely safe. Their eyes met and without words he gave Gil permission once again, feeling elated by just seeing the light reappear in the beloved blue eyes.
Soft kisses, tender touches just strong enough to be there and yet almost not, Gil mapped Nick's body with the intensity he usually used for crime scenes. Nick shivered with desire before his lover had even reached his nipples and his moans sounded through the room.
"I never planned to fall in love Nick, never thought it would ever happen... never wanted it to happen. But then, when I watched you in the lab all days... and... today I found out what happened to you."
He met Gil's eyes again and in a moment of complete clarity, Nick realized that Gil hurt for him not out of pity or some bad feeling, no Gil hurt because he loved him. Slowly he lifted Gil's hand and kissed every line.
"I love you."
Gil's words chased away the last remnants of the fear, the last memories of the nightmare and Nick felt the warmth of love and desire seep through his bones. Felt the healing process that had started ages ago, finally complete, finally come to an end.
"I love you"
Nick's voice was husky and his eyes were heavy with desire as Gil's touches started again. He could feel that his face was flushed, his hair was mussed and he looked like passion impersonated.
"You taught me so much, Nick… Not sex, but love... making love... having a relationship. I've had sex with men, but it was always quick and rough. I... I never cared about them; I never wanted to make them feel so much... It was always about me..."
Gil had never spoken about those things and Nick's heart swelled as he understood how much just admitting them still cost his lover. He hadn't thought he could feel more love for Gil, but at the other man's statement he shivered and impulsively combed his fingers through the greying hair, kissing him full of love.
"Let me finish"
There was a smile in Gil's complaint and Nick's answering laughter echoed through the room, leaning back again he spread his arms open.
"I'm all yours"
Gil's hands began again to slide over his body and yet this time his eyes stayed locked with Nick's until he couldn't hold them anymore and closed them. His breath hitched as Gil touched his tights and he felt his body tremble as the soft touches got closer and closer to the centre of his desire.
"Gil"
Nick had barely found the consciousness to speak, but he didn't want to come like this, didn't want to be the sole recipient. He wanted it to be completely mutual and with one last loving caress to Gil's face, he moved on the bed, so that instead of facing Gil's head, he was facing... well Gil's other head.
Strong hands touched soft flesh, soft lips bringing fire and love with them as the two lovers worked in tandem, discovered angles and muscles. Deep moans sounded through the room, love words whispered with hoarse voices, harsh breaths accelerating with the growing passion and finally a strangled cry as love and passion mingled and Nick lost himself and his control in the love and heat that Gil had created just for him.
Trembling hands reached out to steady Gil, seeking to return the incredible feelings, ensuring that their passion and love was indeed a shared one, blue eyes glazing over as Gil gave himself over to love and passion and for the second time a cry sounded through the room as Gil gave into his feelings and came...
---
"Are you sorry that you fell in love?"
Gil was relieved that Nick didn't tense at all while he asked the question. For a moment he contemplated it, thought about all the changes that had happened since he had met Nick all those years ago, about the changes that had happened since he had admitted his love, since they had become an ‘us'.
"No"
Their bodies were relaxed; their breathing soft and quiet in the room, the scent of sex still hang in the air mingling with the sunlight that filtered through the blinds... Gil looked at the man next to him, saw the beautiful eyes, the sculpted body, the angular face and yet he didn't notice it anymore... when he looked at Nick now, he saw the heart which was too large for such a slender person, he saw the brain that was hidden behind the chocolate eyes, saw the love that was expressed in every movement and drawing his lover closer to him, he softly kissed Nick.
"When I fell in love with you, I got something, I never knew I wanted, I never longed for and yet, I've been searching for. I got a partner, a friend, a lover..."
Nick's eyes were on him now, dark and full of love.
"... someone I trust completely with everything I am."
Nick's hand reached out and he intertwined their fingers as he closed his eyes and lay down.
"You got me, Gil, you got me forever."
Feeling his lover's breathing even out and slow down, Gil caressed Nick's face once more, before he too felt sleep taking him to the land of dreams.
*Epilogue*
Warrick grinned as he saw Catherine and Sara chat together and giggle like school girls. He had certainly never thought that he would ever see Sara Sidle giggle... But hey, it made great black mail material.
"See you girls"
They just waved at his shout and with a grin still on his face, he drove over to the diner where he was supposed to meet Nick for their weekly breakfast fast-food. Nick had never told him, why he'd acted so weird during the kids' case, but some carefully chosen words from Catherine had clued him in to a certain degree. He had been prepared to help his friend out, to get him through whatever, but soon had found out that this particular demon had been battled by Grissom.
And if the grinning and happy Nick who sat opposite him right now, was an indication, then Grissom had done a damn good job. A grin crossed his face as he thought about asking...
"What are you smirking at?"
Warrick's grin only got bigger as he answered.
"Just wondered if I should ask Grissom about his technique to calm you down."
Nick looked horrified, then blushed and finally busied himself with his food until Warrick laughed loudly and Nick couldn't help but join.
"You're an idiot sometimes, really..."
Warrick grinned and nodded. He didn't care if he was an idiot as long as Nick was laughing and happy and as long as their friendship was still as strong, he was fine.
---
"Never knew that Ecklie and Brass get along so well."
Catherine turned around and looked into the direction where Sara pointed. The two men walking over and into the building were talking animatedly, but from the looks on their faces it wasn't an argument, more something like a heated discussion. Looking back at Sara, she shrugged.
"Guess they bonded over the shooting and the investigation that Ecklie performed after wards."
Sara nodded and got into the car. She needed to buy some groceries as Catherine had promised to come round with Lindsey later and she'd promised the other woman to cook her meatless Thai Curry.
Thinking about the stuff she needed to buy, Sara left the parking lot already having forgotten about Ecklie and Brass.
---
"We have to be more careful."
Jim looked at Conrad in surprise, the CSI's eyes were following Sidle's car as she drove off. Had he missed something?
"What you mean?"
His lover... Jim's mind stopped at that thought for a moment, still not really believing that Conrad really was his lover... His lover looked at him with concern and something akin to fear.
"No one can find out, if they do you won't be safe."
There it was again, the naked fear mingled with an equally deep love and silently wishing for a sheltered spot, to soothe his lover, he looked at the other man trying to convey all the love he felt through this one look. It was only when Conrad relaxed that he knew he had succeeded.
"I'll be careful, don't worry."
They parted ways in the hall and Jim stopped for a moment to watch his lover scare Hodges and Greg in the break room. Ecklie on the job was still an idiot, but at home with him...
At home he wasn't Ecklie, but Conrad.
---
"How do you like your tea?"
Lady Heather's eyes were warm as she looked at him. Gil smiled as he savoured the special blend that some customer had brought her from a trip.
"It is very good, but I would never expect anything less from you."
For a while they enjoyed the tea in silence until Gil smiled again.
"You know I never realized that a relationship is hard work."
Intelligent eyes looked at him as Lady Heather sipped more of his tea, before she nodded.
"It is Gil, especially for someone like you, someone whose entire life is based on finding the evidence with your eyes and brain."
It was a surprising statement and Gil knew that his confusion showed in his face, as Lady Heather laughed.
"It's different when it comes to love, isn't it. Eyes, brain, mind, common sense don't help you when Nick is concerned. Because if love is involved there's only one way to see and it's with your heart."
He knew that line, had read it long ago and wondered why everyone was making such a fuss about the book and yet now, sitting in the sun light patio, drinking tea with Lady Heather, now Gil understood and he answered her words with the real words of the little prince.
"Ce qu'avec le Coeur qu'on voit bien."
THE END
AN: There will be a third part to the arch that started with 'Even better than the real thing' dealing with Grave Danger... I'll start writing around Christmas...
Next story in series - On ne voit que bien avec le coeur.

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