Title: Talk About It
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Series: 1) Catch Me I'm Falling, 2) Sparks, 3) Holding Steady, 4) More Than Ready
Fandom: CSI: Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Adam Ross, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Greg set the empty container of rice down on the coffee table, wondering if Ryan woudl notice that his hands were shaking a little. They'd had dinner and sat here talking for a while, but they both knew that was just a prelude to the rest of the evening.

What was going to happen now? It was obvious that they both wanted each other; Greg could read the hungry expression in Ryan's eyes, and he knew that the other man could probably see the same desire in his own gaze.

Starting to get intimate with someone for the first time shouldn't be this hard, Greg thought, wishing that they were past this hurdle and that they were already used to each other, that they'd been together for a while and were comfortable with intimacy.

This was always the hardest part of any relationship for him. The intimacy was something he could distance himself from; he didn't have to associate his emotions with being physical. All of his relationships with women had been like that since ....

Greg's mind veered away from the one and only time he'd ever been with a man; he didn't want to think about that, not now. Besides, he had plenty of experience with guys, if blow jobs, hand jobs, and fooling around counted as being experienced.

But what he wanted with Ryan was something far different. Of all the men he'd dated, or been casually intimate with, Ryan was the first he'd ever wanted to go to bed with in more than a superficial way. Ryan was the first man he'd wanted to let make love to him.

"You're nervous, aren't you?" Ryan asked softly, the words jerking Greg out of his thoughts and back into the present moment. He could feel the incriminating blush sweep over his face; if only Ryan knew just how accurate his words were.

"Y-yeah," he admitted, hating himself for the quiver in his voice. He had wanted to seem as though this was something he had no problem with, but why put up a front? He didn't want to have any secrets from Ryan. Secrets would destroy them before they started.

"What's wrong, Greg?" Ryan's voice was soft and gentle; he laid a hand on Greg's knee, turning slightly to face him as they sat side by side on the couch. "Whatever you're worried about, tell me. I'm not going to get up and walk out because of it. I promise."

Greg looked down at his hands, wondering if he should tell Ryan about his first and only time with a man and why he was so nervous about the thought of making tonight his second. Was Ryan ready to hear all that he had to say? And was he ready to tell?

If Ryan wasn't ready to hear, then maybe the two of them were making a mistake to think that they could be involved outside of work. Maybe it was very soon for him to be spilling out his deepest, darkest secret, but if he was going to be intimate with Ryan, the other man needed to know.

"I .... I've only been with one guy, and that was a long time ago," he began, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. "I've fooled around with other guys -- blow jobs and stuff like that. But I've never actually had penetrative sex with anybody since the first time."

"Was it bad?" Ryan asked softly, his tone full of compassion. Greg glanced over at him; Ryan's dark gaze was soft and loving, his fingers lacing through Greg's and keeping a firm hold on him. Slowly, Greg nodded, closing his eyes again, not wanting to watch Ryan's reaction to his words.

"Yeah, it was bad. Really bad," he murmured, suddenly wishing that he hadn't started talking about this, wanting to push the experience and the memory as far away from him as he possibly could. He wasn't ready to tell this story. He wasn't ready to unveil it to anyone, not even Ryan.

"Hey, you don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to," Ryan told him, sliding an arm around Greg's waist and pulling him close. "We don't even have to be physically close tonight. It's okay, Greg, there's no need for you to be scared."

Greg nodded, pressing his face against Ryan's shoulder. He'd thought that he could talk about this; that tears and panic and fear wouldn't be so near the surface. It had been so long ago, before he'd become a CSI. It shouldn't still be affecting him like this.

Or should he? What he'd been through wasn't something that a person got over in a matter of weeks -- or even years. He should have gone to a therapist -- but that would have meant telling people in his life about what had happened, and he hadn't wanted to do that.

Still, Ryan needed to know. He had to be given an idea of what he was getting into if he wanted them to have a physical relationship. It wasn't fair to make someone walk into a situation blind -- and if he didn't know the cause, he wouldn't know how to deal with it.

"I think I need to talk about it," Greg finally said, lifting his head from Ryan's shoulder and meeting the other man's gaze squarely. "It's just .... really hard for me to do. I've never told anybody else. Not since it happened. I've just kept it bottled up inside."

"I don't want to guess about what happened, but whatever it was, you know that carrying a traumatic experience around with you isn't healthy," Ryan said softly, his dark gaze not wavering from Greg's. "You need to let it out, Greg. And you need to talk to a therapist."

"I can't do that." Greg sighed, shaking his head and looking down. "My parents would freak if they found out. They're still really overprotective of me, Ryan. I wasn't in the best health as a kid, and I'm their only child. It's bad enough for them that I'm a CSI."

"Then talk to me." Ryan's voice was soft, but it was strong and decisive. "I'm here for you, Greg. And if you decide that you're not ready for us to be involved, I'll understand. I'll be really disappointed, because I want you so badly. But I will understand if you're not ready."

"But I am ready." Greg desperately wanted to make Ryan understand that he wasn't being rushed into anything; it was past time that he'd been able to talk about what had happened to him so long ago. "I just needed the right person to open up to."

"I'm glad you think I'm the right one," Ryan said softly, squeezing his hand. "Whatever it is, Greg, it's in the past. And nothing could be bad enough to make me leave, okay? I don't want you to worry about that. I'm here for the long run."

"I know you are," Greg said, though he still felt that little flash of apprehension. What if Ryan was too repulsed by what had happened to still be comfortable about them being together? He knew Ryan would still want to be his friend -- but would he still want them to be lovers?

"Nothing could be so bad that I'd back off from us being together," Ryan told him, almost as though he divined Greg's thoughts and was trying to assuage whatever fears he had for the future. "Whatever it was, I don't believe for a second that anything could make me not want you."

"I don't know about that," Greg muttered, shaking his head. "You might not even be able to look at me after what I'm going to tell you. You might feel like I'm .... tainted." He couldn't make himself look at Ryan; he didn't want to see a look of disgust on that handsome face.

But Ryan reached out and placed a finger under Greg's chin, raising his face until they were looking into each other's eyes again. "Greg, no matter what that bastard did to you, I will not think anything bad about you," he said, his voice strong and firm.

"I guess I've just spent so long feeling like I am tainted that I expect everybody else to feel the same way." The words were out before Greg realized what he was saying; the admission shocked him. He hadn't thought that he could make himself say those words aloud.

"You're not tainted, Greg," Ryan said, pulling Greg closer against him and resting his cheek against the other man's. "Don't let yourself think that way. Whatever happened to you, it was through no fault of yours. You can't blame yourself."

"But it is," Greg whispered, the words sticking in his throat. "It is, Ryan. Because he was right. It would have happened eventually, anyway. I would have ended up giving myself to him in time, if I hadn't found out what he was like. So it is my fault."

"I don't believe that for a second," Ryan told him, his voice still soft and calm. "Just tell me about it. I'm not going to judge you, Greg -- don't worry about that. And I'm not going to think the worst of you. I think you need to let it out. You've needed to for a long time."

"You're right about that," Greg admitted with a soft sigh. He let Ryan gather him into those strong arms, closing his eyes as the other man leaned back on the couch. Maybe the time was long overdue for him to let everything out that he'd held inside for so long.

He wasn't sure of where to start, but he knew that he had to unburden himself to Ryan. If he didn't talk about it now, he might never have the courage to do it in the future -- and this was one secret that he had long since grown tired of keeping hidden away.

***

Next story in series - Confessions.