Title: Thinking of You
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Nick Stokes
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Table: Angst, mission_insane
Prompt: Thinking of you
Author's Note: Post-ep for the S11 CSI: Vegas episode "Cello and Goodbye", and a sequel to the Greg/Nick fic "The Last Mountain". Completely unrelated to the other Greg/Nick series that I write.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Nick Stokes, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Greg heaved a sigh as he let the bouquet of flowers that he was holding slip out of his hand to lie on the ground. He probably shouldn't be here, but he'd been drawn to Jonah's grave, wanting to clear the air, in a way. He felt the need to get some things out into the open.

He knew that Jonah couldn't hear him; the time was past for the two of them to be able to sit down and talk. But maybe it would make him feel better to address Jonah this way, rather than keep his emotions bottled up inside and never letting them see the light of day.

Nick had told him that doing so was only going to hurt him, that one day those emotions would come out, most likely when he didn't want them to. So he was going to attempt to get those emotions out now, to direct them at Jonah, and hope that he would walk away from here feeling cleansed.

His eyes filled with tears as he looked at his former lover's gravestone; he didn't think that a day would go by from here on without him missing Jonah. The two of them had shared something very special, even though they'd only been together for a brief time.

But even when he had been with Jonah, he'd still been in love with Nick. Yes, he had loved Jonah, but Nick had always been in his heart, and Jonah had known that. There had never been any pretense about him being able to replace Nick -- because he couldn't.

Still, that didn't change the fact that he had loved Jonah, and that their relationship had been a very important part of his life. It wasn't fair that Jonah was dead now; he shouldn't have been caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. He should still be here.

Greg sank down to the ground, folding his long legs under him as he clasped his hands in his lap. He'd never sat and talked to a tombstone before; he really didn't know what to say, or how to start this. Maybe if just started talking, the words would start to come naturally.

"Hi," he said softly, closing his eyes and imagining that Jonah was sitting here in front of him, waiting for him to speak. "I guess you know how things are going for me now. That I'm back with Nick. But there isn't a day when I don't think about you, and miss you."

He took a deep breath before going on, his eyes still closed. "I've been thinking of you a lot lately, and of what you said about me belonging with Nick. I didn't want to admit that you were right about that, but you were. So I guess I'm back where I belong."

Not that he hadn't had a hard time getting here, Greg thought with a soft sigh. He had rebelled against being with Nick again; he hadn't wanted to go back to a relationship where he had always felt as though he came a distant second to Nick's job -- and to his boyfriend's ambitions.

But he had to admit that Nick had changed. Things were different now, just as Nick had promised him they would be. His boyfriend didn't always go running off to work any time someone called him; he put their relationship first. He'd come to realize the importance of doing so.

Yet Nick was still a man who was dedicated to his job -- and Greg didn't want to change that about him. He respected that dedication, and he possessed it himself, in some ways. He was just better at balancing his personal life with his professional side.

"You were right when you told me that a part of me would always love Nick, even when you and I were going to get married," Greg continued, his voice much softer now. "It's not that I didn't love you, Jonah. You know I did. At least, I hope you knew that. I think you did."

How could he explain his mixed emotions when it came to the two men he loved? He didn't really know why he had still felt so connected to Nick even when he'd been with Jonah. It wasn't something that he could put into words, just a feeling that he'd always had in his heart.

"I did love you, y'know," Greg whispered, unable to keep those words back. "I wanted to marry you. And I knew that we were going to be happy together. I just wish fate had given us a chance to find that out, before it took you away from me forever."

He could feel tears rising in the back of his throat, but he kept speaking before his voice could break and the tears would overflow. "I've spent every day since you died thinking about you, Jonah. And a part of me will always love you. I just wanted you to know that."

Clearing his throat, he closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to think of what else he wanted to say. "You were always right, Jonah," he murmured, reaching out to rest a hand on the cold tombstone. "I was still in love with Nick. But I loved you, too. I really did."

Was there anything else to say? Greg took a deep breath, smiling as he brought Jonah's handsome face into his mind's eye. "I'm thinking of you, every day. And as long as I do that, then you're still a part of me. You always will be. I'll never forget you."

Tears stung his eyes, but he didn't want to let them fall. Still, they came anyway, blinding him and making him bow his head. Greg gave up trying to stop them, letting them flow freely. After all, he had a right to cry for the loss of someone he'd loved. He owed Jonah no less.

But Jonah was gone now, and he was still here. He had to go on with his life, move forward and find his own happiness. Jonah had understood that -- and he would be the first to cheer him for moving on, and encourage him to do so. Jonah would be happy for him.

"I'll always have you with me, as long as I can think of you and remember the good times we had, and be happy that we had them," he whispered, his fingertips stroking across the stone. "You'll always be a part of me, Jonah. I'm proud to have known you. And to have loved you."

With those words, he got to his feet. He really didn't have anything more to say -- and he couldn't spend all day here. He had to get back to Nick's place, to get some sleep before the two of them had to get up and get ready to go in to work tonight.

Nick. The man he loved, the man he'd always been destined to be with. Even when he'd been with Jonah -- and even though he had loved Jonah -- Nick had always been in his heart. Jonah had understood that, and he'd be happy for the two of them now.

Losing Jonah had been hard to deal with, and Nick had been there for him through it all. Nick had led him away from the sorrow he'd felt, and had given him time to get past the initial pain of the loss. He was healing now -- and that was thanks to Nick's understanding and love.

He had a lifetime of that love waiting to embrace him, and he was ready to give himself over to it, fully and completely. The time for sorrow was past; he could look back on his time with Jonah with a full heart, but it was in the past. He had to look towards the future.

Greg didn't look back at Jonah's grave -- he knew that he would come here again, whenever he felt that he needed to. But today had marked a turning point in his life, and he was heading into the future with his eyes wide open. This time, there would be no turning back.

***

Next story in series - Time For Letting Go.