Title: Before My Heart Finds Out
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Nick Stokes
Fandom: CSI: Vegas
Rating: PG-13
Author's Note: Post-ep for the S11 CSI: Vegas episode "Cello and Goodbye," and a sequel to the Greg/Nick fic "If You Could Only See". Completely unrelated to the other Greg/Nick series that I write.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Nick Stokes, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Nick looked up from the evidence he was examining, wishing that Catherine hadn't chosen to pair him with Greg on this crime scene. It was becoming more and more awkward to work with his former boyfriend, and he'd rather be anywhere else than here.

Should he tell Greg that he'd talked to Jonah just a couple of days ago? He was fairly sure that Jonah might have already told Greg that they'd met, but in case he hadn't, Nick didn't want Greg to think that he himself had somehow arranged for that meeting to happen.

Would Jonah have told Greg that they'd talked -- and more importantly, would he have told Greg just what they had talked about? Nick didn't think so, but he had no way of knowing. Jonah hadn't said whether or not he intended to let Greg know.

In that case, was it really his place to tell Greg that the two of them had met? Sighing, he looked back down at the evidence in his hands, wondering if it was ever going to get any easier to work with Greg and feel like things were back to normal in his professional life.

"What's the sigh about?" Greg asked, his words making Nick look up again. He hadn't expected Greg to question him about something like that; wasn't it obvious that the sigh came from the fact that he had far too many regrets to put them all into words?

"I was just .... thinking," Nick mumbled, getting to his feet. What good would it do to tell Greg that he had talked to Jonah? Greg probably already knew, and if he hadn't mentioned it, then Nick wasn't going to bring it up. The less time spent on that subject, the better.

"I hear you and Jonah talked yesterday morning." Greg turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. "And I know what he said to you. That neither one of you had a right to force me to try to choose one or the other. That it's my choice, not either of yours."

Nick nodded slowly, swallowing hard as he did so. He hated to admit that he could agree with Greg's new boyfriend about anything, but he knew that he had to accept the inevitable. It was Greg's choice as to who he wanted to be with.

"Nick, you can't keep holding on to me." Greg's voice was soft, and surprisingly gentle. "It hurt me to break up with you, y'know. But I couldn't keep going on the way we were. You were never going to make me your first priority. Your job would have always come first."

"Does Jonah put you first all the time?" Nick challenged, anger sweeping through him. He was sure that the other man didn't give Greg everything that he wanted in a relationship, either. Why shouldn't he have been given another chance?

He knew the answer to that question as soon as his mind asked it. He had already been given so many chances -- and he had always, invariably, done the same thing. He had always put his job before Greg, and he should have known that this would happen eventually.

There was no reason to be angry at either Greg or Jonah, Nick told himself ruefully. He had only himself to blame for losing Greg. It wasn't his former boyfriend's fault for walking away, or Jonah's fault for being there when Greg had needed someone.

"I would have tried my best to change, Greg," he said softly, keeping his voice soft and calm with an effort. "But I can understand why you didn't want to give me another chance. I fucked up. I admit it. I hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I'd done things differently."

"Don't beat yourself up about it forever," Greg advised him, turning away and pointing his camera at yet another piece of evidence that needed to be cataloged. "What's done is done, and we both need to move on. You'll find somebody else. Somebody who's more suited to you."

"What you mean is, I'll find somebody who won't mind always being second to my job," Nick said with a sigh. "But you're wrong, Greg. I won't. If I found somebody like that, then I probably wouldn't be first with them, either .And I would want to be."

"Then you'd know how I've felt for years," Greg told him bluntly. "I know you think that might not be fair of me, but that's how it is, Nick. I never felt like I was first with you. Not ever. You might as well admit it. The job was always more important. You were never really satisfied with me."

But I was, Nick wanted to cry out. I loved you more than I could ever love anybody else. And I still do. I want you back. I want us to try again. I want another chance to be a better man than I was before. I want another chance to make you happy.

With difficulty, Nick held the words back, kept them from spilling out in a torrent. It was so hard not to kneel at Greg's feet and beg the other man to take him back, to give him just one more chance to make things right between them.

"I'm sorry that I made you feel that way, Greg," he said instead, bottling up his emotions and keeping a firm hold on them. The last thing he needed was to break down here, at a crime scene, in front of Greg. "I never meant to hurt you. You've got to know that."

"I do," Greg said, his voice still soft and gentle. "But you've got to let us go, Nick. I know it's harder for you, because I was the one who made the decision to break up. But you can't keep holding on to the past. It's over. You need to move on and find somebody else."

"It's not so easy, Greggo," Nick whispered, lifting his gaze to meet Greg's. "I'm still having a hard time with the face that you left me. It doesn't feel like it's possible. I can't move on yet. Not before my heart finds out that you're really gone."

"I'm sorry," Greg whispered, blinking rapidly as though he was holding back tears. "I really am, Nick. But I couldn't keep on the way we were. You have to understand that. It's not that I stopped loving you. I --" He swallowed hard, then went on, his voice barely audible. "I never will."

For just a moment, Nick felt his heart leap with hope before it settled back into its normal rhythm. Greg had only said that he still loved him. Not that he was in love with him. As Jonah had pointed out to him, those were two different things.

"I love you, too," Nick murmured, hoping that the tears already clogging the back of his throat wouldn't rise and overwhelm him. "I always will, Greg. If you ever need me for anything, you know that I'm always here for you. I always will be. Anytime you need me."

"I'll always be your friend, Nick." Greg's voice was gentle, and Nick tried to pay attention to the words he was saying, through the tears that he was struggling to hold back. "And I'll always be there for you if you need a friend. Don't forget that."

"I won't," he whispered, knowing that he was going to burst into tears if they continued this conversation. "I'll take this stuff out to the van," he added, clearing his throat and heading for the door. He had to get out of this room for a few minutes, to be alone with his thoughts.

Nick exited the house, blinking hard as he made his way back out to the van. He took a few deep breaths, hoping that he could calm himself down enough to go back into the house and continue with what he'd been doing. He couldn't keep getting this emotional every time he worked with Greg.

Turning around, he looked at the front door, knowing that he had to go back in. He had to keep a tighter rein on his emotions if he was going to keep doing this. Sooner or later, his heart had to accept the fact that Greg was out of his personal life, and that they were just friends now.

His boyfriend had indeed left him before his heart had found out. His emotions were still trying to catch up to the reality of the situation; it didn't feel as though it could possibly be true, even though his mind knew that Greg was gone, his heart still didn't believe it.

He had to accept what was, and move on. Greg obviously already had; Jonah might not think that Greg was in love with him, but Nick did. If he wasn't, then he would seem more unsure, more hesitant. Nick was sure that he'd already made up his mind how he felt.

Nick closed his eyes for a moment, leaning against the side of the van. He had to convince his heart that what he had shared with Greg was indeed over; there was no going back, only forward. He had to do as Greg had done, and move on with his life.

That was easier said than done, he told himself as he headed back to the house with slow steps. He had the feeling that it was going to be a very long time before he moved on -- if he ever did. But he knew that he had to try -- even if he didn't succeed.

***

Next story in series - Can't Stop Loving You.