Title: Hiding
By: ButterfliesForHer
Pairing: Cath/Sara angst, hints of Gil/Sara
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own them, or anything else for that matter. Poor little me.
POV: Sara's
Spoilers: None
Series: 1) Turn Away
A/N: This is the companion piece to 'Turn Away'. Hope someone likes it.
Summary: I walk away to hide from my feelings for you.

***

I never realised until the last time we were together how strong my feelings were for you lay next to me, I saw your shoulders shaking, and I realised you were crying.

My heart broke at that moment, I just wanted to comfort you, but just as I'd worked up the courage to reach out to hold you, you climbed out of bed, and dressed quickly without saying a word.

I lay there for a long time, trying to figure out what to do.

I felt guilty for not trying to comfort you, but I'm almost certain you wouldn't have wanted me to anyway.

I don't remember when my feelings started to grow.

At some point I realised I was feeling more than lust, but I pushed it to the back of mind, refused to acknowledge it.

What was the point? You could never possibly want me back.

I hated what we were doing, but at the same time I loved it,

I loved being able to touch you, being with you just made me feel alive.

But I hated it because I knew we were just fucking. There were no feelings involved, at least not on your part.

But, I still couldn't end it with you.

Having any kind of contact with you was better than no contact at all, so I just waited for the next occasion.

But then Brass got shot.

It hit us all pretty hard, and I was just thinking of calling you, but then Grissom called me. He'd finally figured it out.

So I needed to figure things out too.

As much as I wanted to be with you, I knew you didn't feel the same way.

Grissom on the other hand, adores me.

I've got every part of him, physically and emotionally, and it's wonderful.

I know I'm doing the right thing.

We have to stop using each other like this.

As I tell you it's over, that it's pointless, your expression is unreadable.

I want you to react, to tell me it means everything to you, that I mean everything to you, that you love me, but you just sit there, seeming cold and unruffled.

I tell you it did, doesn't, and never will mean anything, but still you refuse to react.

I try to make you jealous by telling you that he loves me, that he can give me so much more than you ever could, but you just don't seem bothered.

In the end I realise I have to face up to it – you just don't care about me.

Then finally, you speak up, and I'm relieved.

"Do you love him?"

The smile that graces my face is bittersweet.

Not as much as I love you.

But I'm not about to tell you that.

So I reply, again in a pathetic attempt to make you jealous.

"Yes."

I can feel my eyes beginning to fill with unshed tears, so I walk away, silently begging you to run after me.

Then again, you might see my unshed tears.

So I walk away, so I can hide.

Hide from myself and hide from him.

But most of all, I walk away tohide from my feelings for you.

For a moment, one small moment, I think I hear a quiet sob, and I want to look back.

But I can't.

I can't let you see me cry.

***

Next story in series - Forever You.