Previous part of Lost and Found

***

Gil looked at Nick; the lamp was on behind him and shining into Nick's face and it was as if Nick was frozen, a look of horror on his features.  Even though only a few seconds had elapsed Gil realised that Nick was in shock.  He swallowed and took a few even breaths to steady himself.

"Nick.  Nick.  It's okay, whatever it is, it's okay."  He spoke evenly and quietly; his one arm was still wrapped around Nick's shoulder but he'd moved his other arm and hand...the offending hand, thought Gil, and gently rubbed Nick's arm, up and down in a soothing motion...he hoped.

"Nick.  I'm here.  Not going anywhere."  A horrible thought struck Gil.  "Unless you want me to."

Nick spoke and Gil breathed an internal sigh of relief.

"Don't go.  I'm sorry."  It was an almost childlike voice; scared and broken.  "I'm so sorry."  And to Gil's own shock Nick started crying, silently sobbing, his body shaking gently.  Gil moved towards him even though they were still very close and Gil slipped his arm around his back and held him.

"It's okay, Nicky.  It's fine.  Don't be sorry.  I should be sorry..."

"...no...no...it's me.  It's me."  Nick dropped his head down a little and his forehead was now against Gil's shoulder.  He was sobbing now and his body was heaving with the effort.   

Gil had absolutely no idea what to do or what to say.  He'd had no warning at all that it was about to happen but it was touching Nick's anus that had started it, he was in no doubt about that and then in a stark moment of clarity he knew.  He guessed.  He felt sick to his stomach.

Nick had been assaulted in some way.  He didn't do penetration and an accidental and fleeting touch would not have elicited a response like this unless there was some underlying trauma.  There had to be.  Gil gently rubbed Nick's back and made soothing sounds.  He still hoped they were soothing and helping Nick in some way.

He had no idea how long they lay there; Nick was still sobbing but he was calming down and had been sniffing before starting sobbing again, but Gil's arm was going dead beneath Nick and he would have to move it soon.  And Nick needed some tissue to blow his nose.  And Gil needed to be anywhere but here.  He wouldn't leave, he knew he wouldn't, but he was not equipped to deal with this kind of thing.  He didn't know what he was going to do.  Perhaps his guess was wrong; but he knew it wasn't.  He just wished he was wrong.

"Nick.  Sweetheart.  Baby."  He didn't know what to say but those endearments seemed good and somehow right for Nick.   "Sweetheart, I've got to move my arm it's going numb.  I bet yours is too.  Come on."  He gently pulled at his arm and Nick released his death grip on Gil and also pulled his own arm away.

"I'm not going anywhere...just to the bathroom to get you some tissues.  Is that okay?"

Nick was snivelling and hiccoughing but nodded.  He didn't look at Gil and he kept his head down.  Gil almost leapt from the bed ran into the bathroom grabbed the box of tissues on the vanity unit and rushed back to Nick, almost crashing back onto and into the bed.  He pulled out a handful of tissues and held them for Nick.

"Here.  Blow your nose, you'll feel more comfortable."  Nick took them and wiped at his face and then blew his nose.  Gil took the tissues from him and gave him some more and he repeated the process.

"Would you like a glass of water?"  Nick nodded but still didn't look at Gil.  Gil got out of bed again but a little more sedately this time and got Nick a glass of water.  He bought it back and held it for Nick while he had a few sips.  He then put it he bedside table.

"How long ago was it?"  Gil asked very quietly and Nick looked up, his tear stained face was puffy and his eyes red and sore.

He whispered.  "I was nine.  Thirty one years ago...in May."

For a moment Gil thought he was going to vomit.  He gulped a few deep breaths and his dinner stayed put in his stomach. 

His Nick.  His wonderful lover.  Had been assaulted as a child.  Nine years old.

"Oh, Nick."  He slipped his arms around Nick again and pulled him to him, stroking his hair with one hand and his back with his other.

Nick whispered something else but Gil didn't catch it.  "I didn't hear you, sweetheart."

"I haven't ever told anyone before."

It was Gil's turn to become rigid with shock.  He'd never told anyone.  He was nine...what about his parents?

"Gil?"

"What it is?"  His own voice quivering as he betrayed his emotion at the enormity of what Nick had just said.

"Can you turn the light off?"

"Sure I can.  Here."  Gil let go of Nick and twisted around to turn off the lamp.  It left the cabin in almost total darkness, with just the glow of lights outside coming through the drapes.

Gil lay on his back this time and pulled Nick to him and cuddled him against his body, stroking his hair this time.

"It's easier with the lights out.  She..."  She!  Thought Gil.  "...had all the lights on in my room and it was very bright, that's why I like a very dark room to sleep in."  Gil thought he was going to vomit again and had to take some more deep breaths and Nick's body moved up and down as he chest rose.  Who did this?  What woman?  His mother?  No.  Never.  Impossible.  Or was it?  One of his sisters?  That was likely.

Nick answered his unasked question.  "She was a babysitter.  Everyone had to go out and she was a friend of someone Dan knew.  She pushed something up me..."  Nick's voice broke as he spoke and Gil hugged him closer.  "I don't know what it was.  And she used me...my hand...to masturbate.  I didn't know what she was actually doing until I got older.  I hurt and I bled.  She said if I told anyone they would all die and I would be left alone and she would come and get me and keep me.  So I didn't tell anyone."

Nick just lay there in Gil's arms and Gil thought he felt more relaxed.  He wanted to ask so many questions but he knew he couldn't; he needed to wait for Nick to give up the information.

"I told Catherine, years ago."

"You did?"  That did surprise Gil.

"Oh, not much, just that I had been...nothing else."

"I see."

"You are the first person I've ever told everything.  Honestly.  I never even told the shrink I saw after...Walter Gordon, nor the one Catherine made me see.  No one."

Catherine made him see a psychiatrist?  He didn't know that either.

"When I realised I was gay I thought it was because of her.  But it wasn't of course.  But that's why...you know...I don't do..."

"Penetration."  Gil finished for him.

"Yeah.  But that's the problem...you see I've been thinking about it these last few days.  I'd like to be able to do it for you..."

"...oh, Nicky, you don't have to do it for me.  I told you I don't mind, really I don't."

"I know.  I believe you...unlike everyone else I've ever known; it's just that...well I'm missing out too, aren't I?  I don't want her legacy to be responsible for me holding back with man...the man I love."  Nick finished his little speech with a hiccough.

"Nick.  Sex is sex.  The important thing is love.  I love you."

"I know you do and I think that's what happened tonight.  I've been thinking about it and trying to think how to go about it and then you touched me..."

"I'm so sorry..."

"...don't be, you were loving me...you weren't going to do anything were you?"

"Of course not."

They lay quietly for some minutes and then Nick spoke again.

"Gil?"

"Mmm?"

"You are the first person I've ever told."  Nick's voice was stronger and he sounded incredulous.  "And nothing happened to me did it?  I think I've been stupid as an adult not to do something about it haven't I?"

"You're not stupid, Nick.  People.  Everyone.  Deals with things in a different way.  You were a child and your innocence was stolen from you and you were frightened out of your wits.  But no one even noticed?"  He could have kicked himself for asking a question, he didn't want to put any pressure on Nick, he was under enough as it was.

"Mom did...I mean she noticed I was quiet and being weepy; she thought I was sickening for something and she did keep me off school for two days...I think it was.  But our house...Gil, it was like Grand Central station in New York at rush hour... and I've seen that for myself now...but all the time; nobody noticed things going on especially with the baby brother."

"So what happened to her, do you know?"

"No.  I do know that one of Dan's friends got her pregnant and there was a scandal and she was paid to go away.  I remember a big argument between Dad and Dan about her.  I shouldn't have been listening.  Dan had said something about her being pregnant and a slut or something to Dad and he went ballistic that Dan had thought that about her and yet had still brought her into the house to babysit me.  He was furious.  He also wanted to know if Dan has slept with her...he said he hadn't but I bet he did.  I mean Dan was well in is twenties by this time.  God knows what Dad would've have done if he'd known about me."

Gil thought that Nick seemed a lot better.

"Nick, shall we cancel tomorrow's hike?"

He was totally unprepared for Nick's response.

***

Nick jumped back away from Gil and almost shouted.  "No!"  Gil was taken aback at Nick's vehemence.  "No...we can't cancel anything...even after all this time I'm not giving her the satisfaction of ruining my plans."

"Okay, okay.  I was thinking you might like a...quiet day."

"What's better than some fresh air and exercise?" Nick was calm again.

"You're right.  Nothing's better."  Nick settled against him again but Gil was worried that Nick had referred to her ruining his plans.  And Gil knew it was still a huge problem for Nick and that he should try and do something about it.   But he had no intention of saying that to Nick since he said something similar to Sara some time ago and she threw a monumental tantrum.  Gil closed his eyes at his own crassness at thinking of Sara at a time like this...she pretended, no, she really did have a rough childhood, but she assumed a mantle of, no one had it worse than me attitude that frankly had worn thin over the years.

Here was Nick having suffered the most heinous crime a child could have suffered and it was a secret to the whole world...or at least it was until a few minutes ago.  Gil sighed at the enormity of it all.

"You want to break up, don't you?"  Nick spoke in a very weak and defeated voice.

Gil chuckled and pulled Nick into a really tight embrace.  "Now how did you work that out?  I love you and hope you love me.  I want you...hope you want me, and nothing is going to break us up if I can possibly help it.  Do you understand?"

Nick nodded.  "I love you.  Man, I can't believe I just told you...it wasn't a plan or anything it just happened."  Nick was whispering but did sound more like his normal self.

"It needed to be told, Nick.  The time was right.  This is our first date and you've taken a very important step not only for yourself but for us, too.  You remember us?"

"Yeah.  I've fucked up our first date haven't I?"

"No, you haven't; you've made it very special, sharing something with me that you've never shared with anyone before.  That's very special."

"You think that?"

"I do."

"You think I should get some therapy?"

Gil smiled to himself.  "I think that maybe it would help...but it's up to you."

"When Catherine made me go I thought it was about time I did tell a shrink...but I bottled it, couldn't do it."

"Why did Catherine make you see a shrink?"  Gil could just not resist asking.

"I shot Jekyll.  But the uniform, Officer Clark, was murdered...he was with Ray and me.  The family blamed me..."

"...for what?"  Gil was incredulous.

"Getting him shot I guess...I did tell him to check the premises."

"That was his job...the danger is inherent, unfortunate as that is."

"Well they did...asked me to leave his funeral...but then I did find the bomb, so..."

"It was an accumulation of things then.  Warrick?"  Nick nodded.  "Then being shot, the officer, killing Jekyll, the whole lot.  I can see why Catherine thought it was a good idea."

"Hey, don't side with her.  Anyway, I only went twice and I have worked my way through all that...but that fucking babysitter...she just won't go away."

"I'm not surprised."

"If I go to therapy would you come with...you know moral support?"

"If you want me to."  Gil was bemused by the idea.  "But remember I'm going back to Paris soon.  We need to find you a therapist and get the ball rolling quickly.  Are you okay with that?"

"Paris.  Shit, I forgot."

And just like that Gil thought...why was he going back to Paris?  "No.  Forget that I'll stay here..."

"...you'll do no such thing."  Nick pulled back again.  "It's your work.  You will be going back and I will be visiting.  Like I said she's not allowed to change plans!" 

"Okay.  I get it."

"What about Lady Heather?"

"What about her?  Oh, you mean for therapy?"

"Yeah."

"She's a sex therapist."

"I know, but she's still done therapy...it must be the same kind of thing."

"I don't know; I really don't know.  I...you could ask."

"It's the sex thing I think...I wouldn't have any trouble speaking to her about it...because she's okay about sex."

"I see."  Gil thought for a few moments and decided that Nick could well be right.  "You could give it a try and see how it goes."

"If you could...ease...me into it with her that would be good."

"Okay.  I'll phone her when we get back from the hike, is that okay?"

"Good.  Now we ought to get some sleep....big day tomorrow."

"You're okay?"  Gil was amazed at Nick's recuperative powers...but then he'd had thirty-one years to practise.

"Yeah.  You okay just to go to sleep?"  Nick's intimation was clear.  Sex was not an option.

"I'm more than okay to go to sleep."  Gil smiled at Nick but didn't tell him he thought he might not get any sleep at all.

Gil did eventually fall asleep and awoke alone in the bed.  He could hear Nick in the bathroom; he was showering.  Gil was still tired; he had no idea how long he had lay awake with Nick sleeping almost on top of him.  Gil had kept a protective arm around him even after he'd fallen asleep.  But Nick seemed to be sleeping well...he made an occasional little snuffling noise but was breathing deeply and evenly.

He'd mulled over again and again what Nick had told him.  Nick was nine and had been raped.  And no one had ever known the full details until this last night in this bed.  Gil didn't know whether to be proud of Nick for finally telling someone...him...about his terrible ordeal or devastated that he knew what had happened to the young boy.  Both, he supposed, could be normal reactions.  He could not believe how Nick had managed to function for so long without sharing his burden and like he'd said he'd had opportunities to talk to therapists that he'd thrown away.  Gil wondered why that was.

Gil had come up with an answer that he thought was probably the reason.  Nick had expressed his love for Gil and had said he'd never loved anyone as much before.  So maybe in his subconscious he knew that he would have to address the issue if he wanted a full and loving...but above all...truthful relationship with another man.  And he'd told Gil that he had been thinking about penetration.  So it was all bubbling under the surface and Gil's sexual touch had sparked it all off...  Maybe it was for the best...he hoped so.

"You awake?"  Nick came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.  Gil thought just how good he looked.

"Just about."

Nick sat on the bed beside him.  "Gil, I'm sorry.  I was going to tell you...I was just steeling myself to do it...and then last night...  I don't want to you to be obligated or anything.  I know that I should have done something about it...I know...but the years slipped by faster and faster and I didn't meet anyone I really liked and then you...  It just happened didn't it?  I'm sorry.  I'll understand if..."  Nick stopped and looked down.

"Understand what?  If I leave?  You've been practising this in the shower haven't you?"  Nick looked up and smiled and nodded.  Gil smiled back at him.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily.  We've got a hike to do...and I'm relying on you to keep me going, so haul me out of bed..."  He held his hand out to Nick who took it and stood and did as Gil had asked and hauled him up and off the bed.  "...and point me in the direction of the bathroom; I have a very serious need for a piss."

Nick chuckled and pushed him along to the bathroom door.  At the door he slipped his arms around Gil's middle and kissed the back of his neck.  It sent shivers down Gil's spine.  "Love you.  And I do want to be your sweetheart."

***

They made good time getting ready and getting down to breakfast.  It was five thirty in the morning and still mostly dark but Nick wanted to be ready and hiking at six.  They were going to go down the trial to the Indian Garden and back, a round trip of nine point eight miles.  The trail to the river and back was not to be undertaken lightly and in fact the rangers advised against doing it in one day so Nick said they'd do it another time and spend the night on the campsite beside the river.  Gil thought that would be very romantic and long as their gear could be shifted by mule.

"You are a heathen, Gil Grissom, that's the romance of it all, carrying your necessities, your life, on your own back."

"My back has lead a comfortable life sitting back in chairs and I'm not about to kill myself behaving like a mule when mules, are, actually, available."  His sarcasm was dripping from him but he smiled to lessen the bite.

Nick insisted they each ate a bowl of hot oats.  Oatmeal, he opined to Gil's amusement because of course he knew, was good food for hiking.  But then they both had a cooked breakfast and some toast.  In fact Gil was fit to burst he'd eaten so much but Nick was adamant that it would pay dividends.  They purchased sandwiches and then made their way back to their cabin to get kitted out.

Nick was excited about seeing Gil in his long john's.  But first Gil had a question and he held them up and peered at them.

"Do I wear them over my boxers or instead of?"

"I always put them over...another layer.  But they fit smooth over my briefs but they might bunch your boxers up and be uncomfortable and you need to be comfortable."

"Oh, I know.  My balls need to be supported in case they fall off...was that it?"

"And what would I do if they fell off?"  Nick asked very seriously.

"I think my pressing problem would be what would I do?"

"Holler in pain, I guess."

"Let's change the subject; my eyes are watering at the mere thought."  Gil grimaced.

Nick laughed but then became serious.  "Hey, we're okay aren't we?"

"More than okay.  Well, I will be if I survive the day."

"I promise you, Gilbert Grissom, that you will be more than okay."  Nick smiled.

"I'll hold you to that."

Gil decided to forgo his boxers and wore the long john's on their own.  The warm thermals made an immediate difference when he stepped out of the cabin. The cold air didn't attack his legs through the material of his pants.  Gil laughed at the pair of them trussed up with twice as much clothing as they would normally wear.

"I feel like some intrepid explorer about to embark on an Arctic expedition."

"You look cute...like a multi-coloured bear."

"Nicholas Stokes, I have never been and I never will be...cute.  Please do not call me that again."  He was trying to be serious but Nick noticed, as he always did, that when Gil was joking his eyes were twinkling.

"Cutie-pie.  My own little cutie-pie!"

"Come on, stop being frivolous and let's get this show on the road."  But he muttered under his breath.  "Cutie-pie, I don't believe it."  And off he set, his walking poles swinging as he stepped out.

"Hey...hey.  Speedy Gonzales!"  Nick called out.

Gil stopped and turned around.  "What is it?"

"We're hiking, not racing.  If this was the pace you started the last time you were here no wonder you failed the course.  Steady.  A steady and sure pace will get the job done with energy to spare.  We're going down and then back up on some rough terrain in parts; it's not like a stroll on a nice even sidewalk."

Gil thought for a few moments.  He probably didn't go off as fast as that last time, but he did try to step out for the exercise and maybe that's where he went wrong.  Nick was the experienced hiker and was sure to know how to go about it.  He'd better listen up and obey commands.

"You may have a point.  You start off and I'll follow for a little while to get the idea of the kind of pace I need make."

"Follow the leader."  Nick strode off in front of Gil and Gil smiled as he passed and then dropped in behind him.  Nick's pace was by no means slow but it was steady and measured and Gil continued to smile as he followed his lover.  He tried to pretend that last night hadn't happened but he couldn't.  Nick might well have been surprised that he'd had an affair while hopefully not married to Sara, but Nick's revelation trounced his own problems and raised the stakes considerably.

They'd been walking for about twenty minutes and had started the downhill trail; Gil was warm but by no means hot even with all his layered clothes on.  The sun wasn't fully up and the cold was biting.  They were the only hikers around and it made it easier and Gil thought with a smile, a little more adventurous.

Nick slowed down and stopped and turned to Gil.  "You okay with the pace?  You're mighty quiet."

"The pace is exactly right.  I'm good and warm, what about you?"

"Good.  We're making good progress already.  Helps that there's no one else out ...but I guess we'll meet them on our way back up.  Right...off again.  Stop me if you want anything.  I thought we'll break the back of the hike down and then we can check the time and see how we're doing...stop to take pictures...whatever.  You thinking about last night?"

Nick's question took him by surprise since he'd been talking matter-of-factly about the hike. "I have."  No point in lying.

"Me too.  You know the weirdest thing is how it just happened and telling you was easy and yet I've kept it hidden all these years.  I'm an idiot.  I'm going to sort it out, I promise.  I hope I can see Lady Heather, I think I'd feel okay with her...I mean there ain't nothing she doesn't know or hasn't heard.  Right?"

"Right."  Gil chuckled because it was right.  "Did I ever tell you that Heather advised me, in a roundabout kind of way, not to marry Sara?"

"No.  She was right then." 

"Yes.  She usually is, although I must say at the time I spoke with her I had no intention of marrying.  I still can't..."  He stopped; his own problems really didn't matter, they were inconsequential since he was either married, in which case he would get a divorce, or not married.

"What were you going to say?"

"I can't believe I did it.  Even now."

Nick grinned.  "Especially since I was waiting in the wings, eh?"

Gil grinned back.  "Especially.   Lead on Macduff."

"Now that, Dr Grissom, is a misquote."

Gil was absolutely staggered.  "How?  I mean of course you could know...but..."  He was quickly becoming embarrassed at his assumption that Nick wouldn't know any Shakespeare.

"We had to suffer Macbeth in school...did a production in drama class in year...nine or ten.  I bet you didn't think we did Shakespeare in Texas, now did you?"

"I...I..."

"Cat got your tongue?  Come on, don't want to stand around too long...it's too cold."  And off he set again down the Bright Angel trail leading a very chastened Gil Grissom.

They made steady progress for an hour, only stopping a couple of times.  Once for Nick to get his camera out and put it around his neck in case he saw something...although birds were usually too quick for him and by the time he'd stopped, got the camera ready to shoot, they'd waved good bye and disappeared...he said he needed to sit and wait awhile in one place if he was to get some usable pictures.  And it was too cold for that right now.  And once more to use the rest room at the picnic area and then they immediately replaced the excreted fluids with a long drink of water.

Gil felt good and comfortable.  His hiking boots couldn't be more comfortable and his poles really helped steady him on the increasingly rough hiking path.  Even with Nick's devastating revelation last night Gil felt that life was pretty good right now.  He had Nick.  That's what made all the difference.

***

Nick was happy to take the lead on the hike and leading the front meant he could think about all the things that had happened in the last eight or ten hours without Gil seeing, although Gil was sure to be thinking about it too.  First and foremost he supposed he had socked himself.  He had no intention of just telling Gil about the assault.  He had thought he would tell him...perhaps after several months when they really were on more firm footing.

But he had been thinking about penetration.  It was a weird because he'd always dismissed it as never going to happen in his life and he was fine with that.  After all, he'd gone to a lot of trouble over the years turning guys down that were half way decent because he was quite sure that he never would.  Absolutely adamant.  He would never do penetration.  But in the last week he'd caught himself thinking about it...just here and there...maybe sitting in his truck at a red light.  Maybe when he was having a coffee in the break room.  It was a germ of an idea...  Would he be able to try it out with Gil?

He hadn't consciously associated it with the assault when he was a child but nevertheless he was sure it was the reason.  And then there was thinking about the assault, he went months...years...no, months, not even thinking about it and then something would trigger a memory.  A case; not necessarily a child...but a rape.  He knew what it was like.  They all commended him for his empathy with victims, but fuck he knew what it was like; he'd been there, had it done to him and had a fucking drawer full of t-shirts.

But what about the freeze...it just happened; he had hardly been aware of Gil's fingers on a conscious level, he was just enjoying the moment and then the utter shock that had overtaken him was unbelievable; the shock was shocking in itself.  And Gil had been so good about it.  He just did the right thing and held him.  He'd often thought, as an adult, how it would have all turned out if he'd been brave or wise enough as a nine year old boy to tell his Momma.  To have had her hold him and comfort him in the hours and days after it had happened.  He'd never know now so that was stupid thinking.

And what about Gil and his exercise?  He was doing so well following Nick, his poles swinging; they were maintaining a steady pace and Gil was having no trouble.  The speed he started out at was probably why he failed in the last hike here...excited to get it done and just overdoing it.  They would reach Indian Garden in good time and the climb back up would be steady but easily attainable.  Nick was certain.  The cold was their enemy and it was a good job Gil had bought the extra fleece and long-johns.  Nick didn't need a fleece but had bought one so as not to show up Gil...making him think that he too, needed to be careful.  He was wearing it but only in place of one he had packed already.  But he liked the bright red fleece and its lightweight properties; it was a good buy.

Then the shower this morning.  Gil knew he'd been practising what to say; of course he would know.  But he didn't know that when Nick had woken, (from a really good sleep...was that because he'd shared his burden...) it had been in a fit or embarrassment and he'd had a cool shower to stop his cheeks from burning.  Telling the man who'd been his boss and was now his lover...only for a matter of days...about something that no other person apart from her, and Catherine, knew and yet it had come tumbling out and it was easy.

He'd lain in Gil's arms and thought even as he'd cried that it had been easy in the end.   The therapy was something he'd thought about off and on for years but when push came to shove and he'd had the opportunity he just couldn't do it.  He couldn't and he didn't really know why because it should have worked; telling a professional he didn't know who could have then helped him.  But whatever it was he couldn't do it and his evaluations from the therapists he'd seen were both fine so they hadn't identified that Nick was keeping a secret.

Then the brainwave he'd had about Lady Heather, or Dr Kessler, as she was now known.  He'd met the woman and he knew what she used to do...and nothing, absolutely nothing, fazed her and he thought he could talk to her, he really could.  He'd have a fucking good try anyway especially if Gil came to the first session and held his hand.  He chuckled to himself...that was a metaphorical holding of his hand.  Although he knew that if he asked Gil he would hold his hand.  He smiled to himself and realised he hadn't heard from Gil in ages.  He would be doing the same as he was and thinking about how it had all changed in a matter of hours...but had it?  Here they were doing the hike.  Gil was just the same as he always was at breakfast and he knew the man, he really did.  He hoped he did.

Nick slowed down and stopped and turned to Gil and smiled at him.  "You okay with the pace?  You're mighty quiet."

When they started walking again Nick was chuckling to himself about Shakespeare.  He knew nothing about Shakespeare except Macbeth which they'd studied and performed at school...and Gil's quote, or misquote was about the only thing he remembered.  But the look on Gil's face was a classic.  Priceless.

They had a couple of stops for drinks and each time had a bar of oats and honey.  Nick laughed at Gil's nose, the tip of which was bright red from the cold.  Then he'd realised his nose could be the same but Gil said it wasn't so he laughed at Gil's again.  They'd met no one on their descent.  It made it private and special.   But looking back behind them there were other hikers on the trail behind them.

They made it in very good time...just about three hours.  The terrain, though well maintained still has some rough parts and it was getting warmer as they descended and when they reached the area...it looked far too civilised, Gil thought, to be half down the side of the Grand canyon...they discarded their hats and gloves and the inner fleeces for a time while their drank their water and rested and nibbled on some pretzels Nick produced from his backpack.

They took photographs and as they rested quite a number of other hikers started arriving from both the river side and from the rim.  It was at a table overlooking the canyon with a spectacular view as backdrop that Nick and Gil had their first photo taken of them together...a tourist from Alaska, (‘it's a lot warmer here than back home')  took several shots of them.

Nick didn't want to stay too long; he said that resting and cooling off would stiffen their muscles.  Gil smirked. Nick laughed.  But within half an hour of their arrival they prepared to start the trek back up.  It was coming up to ten in the morning.

"Now I'll follow you, babe. So you make the pace, but take it steady...you know it gets quite steep and you need to conserve your energy.  If you want to stop...walk for a little longer and then stop, set yourself little targets that way.  But don't overdo it.  Got it?"

"Don't overdo it."

"Right."

"Do you think I'm in good enough shape to run up?"

"No, you're not and neither am I...so cut the sarcasm and lead on...Macduff."

Gil gave Nick what he hoped was an evil look but since Nick laughed he guessed he'd failed.

Gil managed forty-five minutes but was getting slower as the climb became stepper.  He hadn't noticed just how steep it was coming down.  He wasn't exactly worn out but it was more demanding than he'd thought since the descent had been relatively easy.  But the climb was deceptive.  He was okay to keep going but as they approached a rest stop with some benches Nick called out.

"We'll rest here a while.  Eat and drink."

"I'm okay with rest and drink but Nick, I'm still full up and I don't think I can eat anything else."  He smiled.

"Okay.  Drink then.  Do you want put a sachet of lemonade additive to your water?"

"Yes, I'll have on one those."  Nick mixed it for him and shook the bottle to make sure it was dissolved before giving it to him.  They'd bought their own supply of bottled water, six pint bottles each...it was the heaviest part of the load they carried in their backpacks but even in the cold weather it was essential.  They'd drunk two pints going down and now and would drink at least half a pint now.

"Here you go...sip it."  He gave Gil his drink and then did his own.   He drank it down and checked his watch.  "It's a good idea, if we can manage it, to try and do forty-five minutes stretches...like we've just done, and then rest up for ten to fifteen minutes."

"You mean, I can manage it."  Gil stated.

"I mean ‘we'.  I am fitter than you but this is not something anyone should be reckless about.  In some of the places it could be a lot less than forty-five minutes before we need a rest."

"I love you, Nick, taking care of me, of us."  He leaned over and just brushed his lemonade flavoured lips against Nicks.

"You're okay about last night?"

"I said so, didn't I?  While I've been on this walk...hike, I've been thinking about it and I feel...honoured."  Nick snorted out a laugh.  "No, Nick, I am honoured that you trusted me enough to tell me.  Isn't it a measure of how we feel about each other so soon into this...this relationship, that you can tell me something so private, so terrible, that you've never told anyone else before?"

Nick had stopped laughing and with a puzzled look on own his face, he stared at Gil.  "I guess."  He said, finally.

"You know what I think about guess work, CSI Stokes."  Gil smiled

Nick chuckled at that.  "I guess I do."

"Come on, I'm rested; let's get on the trial again.  I would kill for a coffee."

"No good for you on a hike...it's a diuretic."

"You could be a kill joy, you know that don't you?"

"Yeah."  He hoisted his back pack on to his back and helped Gil with his.

"How long, realistically to the top?"

"Six hours.  Maybe five now, we've done nearly an hour."

"Okay."

It was five hours and twenty minutes later as they approached their cabin.  Gil was very tired.  He was not as exhausted as he expected to be and his could still walk comfortably.  His boots had been a good buy.  It was going much colder again and a biting wind was whipping around their bodies.

Nick climbed onto their little porch and dropped his backpack.  "Now here's the bit I didn't tell you about earlier. Some exercises to finish off.  Just a few stretches... to cool down."

"I'm cool enough.  I'm desperate for a piss...and a dump...with all this food you've been throwing down my throat."

"I didn't see you refusing it and that's a first."

"What is?"

"Dr Grissom, whining..."

"I don't whine."

"Do too.  Come on stretch a leg out, pushing on the wall here."

Gil smirked but dumped his backpack and followed suit.  For about five minutes Nick stretched his legs and arms and back.  Gil did feel better for doing the exercises but decided against telling Nick.

"Okay.  Done."  He picked up his backpack and opened their door and as soon as he was inside he was quickly stripping off his outer clothing. "Can't stop.  Got to go."  And he was in the bathroom and closing the door before Gil realised he'd been had.

"I'll remember this, Nicky.  Rest assured"   He called out to the closed door.

"Yeah, sure you will."

***

After they'd showered and changed Nick insisted they go a short walk just to keep their joints moving.  Gil was beginning to feel the effects of the hike.  He was elated that he had actually done it and with far more ease than he'd imagined he ever could.  It had still been a long haul and he was pretty certain that Nick could have been quicker if he'd been alone; but all in all it was a pretty satisfying day. 

"I suppose you're going to suggest eating?"  Gil asked Nick.

"Something light.  Just soup maybe.  Easily digestible 'cause I reckon we're going to be in bed within the hour."  He grinned.

"I have to wait that long?  And Nick, just so you know, no sex.  I don't think I could get it up to save my life."

"I'll let you off."

"Only because you're the same."  Gil smirked.

"Man, there's life in my old dog...you want to see?"

"Yes, I do."

"Later.  Come on."

"I see."  Gil smirked but Nick ignored it.

Nick slung an arm around Gil's shoulders.  "Come on."  He kissed the end of his nose.  "That's a lot warmer now."

They both had a bowl of soup and a small beer.  And Gil dragged himself back to the cabin, the warmth of the cafeteria and his hike now having a dramatic effect on his aching body....it felt as if it was closing down.

When Nick had opened the door, Gil staggered through and declared.  "I'm not even taking a piss or cleaning my teeth.  Bed.  Now."

"You'll regret it...the piss part anyway...you'll wake up and have to get up."

"Maybe you're right.  I'm not going to sit down or I'll never get up again."  So he went to the bathroom and Nick heard him not only taking a piss but then after washing his hands he cleaned his teeth.  Nick had stripped down to his briefs and passed Gil as he came out of the bathroom.

Gil sat on the side of the bed and gradually discarded his clothing.  He left his tee and boxers on and his clothes and shoes were in a pile at the side of the bed.  He pulled back the bedding and got under the cold sheets...he sighed, very contentedly, and wasn't even aware of Nick getting into bed beside him and cuddling up.

Nick smiled and kissed Gil's shoulder, happy that Gil had forgotten about his promise of seeing his hard-on...because he was pretty certain there wasn't a hope in hell...   

His full bladder still woke Gil.  He was lying on his back and so was Nick, beside him.  Nick was making those little snoring sounds that Gil had come to love.  He smiled at him and then turned his head to look at the clock...then squinted without his glasses to really see.  It was just gone nine.  He peered over at the window to see if it was night or day and since there was sun streaming into the cabin through the cracks in the drapes he was certain it was day.  Which was why his bladder had woken him...they'd been in bed, asleep, and he was pretty certain he hadn't woken up once...for nearly thirteen hours.

He moved a little and stretched and assessed the damage.  His shoulders, elbows, wrists and hands ached.  That'd be the poles.  He moved his legs.  His hips and knees hurt specifically...but not his muscles as far as he could tell.  But he had to get out of bed.  He rolled over onto his side and threw the bedclothes off and put his legs to the ground and then pushed himself off and up from the bed.   Pain was the wrong word; he was sore.  He would live.

He staggered to the bathroom and began emptying his bladder...he thought he'd never stop the steady stream of piss, but he did eventually and shrugged theatrically as he tucked his dick back into his boxers.  He washed his hands and looked into the mirror...as far as he could see he looked well.  He was tanned and his eyes were bright.  Despite his red nose on the hike it wasn't burned from the sun or wind so it must have been the cold. 

The door being pushed open made him jump.

"I thought you'd never stop."  Nick started to piss and let out a rush of air at the relief.  "Did you see the time?  I didn't wake once.  You?"

"I know we slept the clock around, and then some and I didn't wake.  I'm hungry now.  And thirsty...I'll go put the coffee pot on."

"Won't suit you, man."

"Excuse me?"

"Putting the coffee pot on...you know...wearing it."

"Why would I wear the coffee pot?"

"You wouldn't...duh...oh, I get it.  I'm childish...and, God, you're sooo old."

"Old enough to know that I shouldn't be wearing a coffee pot.  But I think I could be a God...   I'll put the coffee pot on to make us some coffee.  Better?  And you can come back to bed...young man."

When Nick got out of the bathroom, Gil was eating.   "Found a spare cereal bar...here, saved you half.  Although you don't deserve it."

Nick took the offered bar and before he put it in his mouth he stuck his tongue out at Gil.

"Mmm...such a lovely pink tongue.  I wonder where that could go..."

Nick chuckled and jumped back into bed.  Gil climbed in, in a more sedate fashion.

"How you feeling...anything hurting."

"I'm sore...but not in pain.  Is that a good sign?

"Very."

"You?"

"Okay.  I can feel my knees...but they're not bad."

Nick finished his snack and then cuddled up to Gil.  Gil put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer.

"Nick, can I ask you a question?  A serious question."

Nick's stomach dropped.  "Yeah."

"Do you really think long-johns are sexy?"

"Man!"  Nick thumped Gil's chest, but not very hard.  "You had me going there.   I think you're sexy...so it follows, logically, that everything you wear makes you sexy, sexier...whatever."

"So; even my trusty sunhat?"

"You don't still have that?  Nick pulled up and looked down at Gil.  "You do, don't you."

"It's travelled.  It's been a trusted companion."

"It's a battered relic from an Indiana Jones film."

"It has character, not like the baseball caps everyone wears nowadays...anyway, if you think I'm sexy and, ergo, everything I wear makes me sexier, then my hat makes me sexier."  Gil finished triumphantly.

"There are exceptions to every rule."  Nick remained straight faced for a few moments but Gil's look make him chuckle.

Gil pulled Nick back down and kissed him.  "Go pour me a coffee and stop contradicting yourself.  And while you're up have one yourself."

"You're bossy."  Nick kissed Gil back and bucked his hips at Gil who was aware of Nick's erection bulging in his briefs.

"And you're hard.  Managed to get it up this morning...couldn't quite get it up last night, if I remember rightly."

"Hey, you were asleep when I got in bed about five seconds after you."

Gil chuckled.  "I can believe that."  He frowned.  "I don't even remember getting undressed but there's a heap of clothing where I dumped it."

"To bossy, add untidy."

"To bossy and untidy add sexy and irresistible."

"There is that."  Nick went to kiss Gil again but pulled back just as Gil was about to kiss him...he jumped out of bed and grinned at a surprised Gil.  "Just getting your coffee, as ordered."

"You're a tease, but you've got a great ass...and your package isn't that bad."

Nick wiggled his ass as he poured the coffee, very nearly spilling it but added a creamer to each mug and then bought them back to the bed.  He gave one to Gil and then got into bed and they half sat, half lay in bed sipping their coffees.

"Nick, can I ask you a serious question...really this time, no joke?"

"Yeah, go on."

"I know you don't want to be penetrated but have you ever penetrated?  I know you've slept with women...at least one, anyway."

"No.  I've never been in that position; most guys dumped me as soon as they knew...no one asked...why?"  Although he thought he knew where this was going and he added before Gil could reply.  "You offering?"

"Well...yes.  I suppose I am.  If you want to, just ask."

"Okay.  I will."

They both remained silent again for a few minutes and the Nick spoke again.

"Okay.  I'm asking.  Are you a... I mean do you..."

"Bottom?"

Nick chuckled a little nervously and nodded.

"Yes.  I do both.  But that doesn't mean that I have to, so don't think that.  But I meant what I said, if you want to, I will."

"Okay."  That was all he said but he finished his coffee and put his mug on the bedside table and lay on his side facing Gil.

Gil broke the silence a few minutes later when he finished his coffee.  "You hungry?"

"Starving.  Me shower first?"

"Go on then."

Nick didn't move but put an arm over Gil's chest and hugged him.  "I love you, Gil."

"Good job you do because I love you." They lay perfectly still for a few moments longer and then Nick burst into activity throwing his boxers on Gil's pile of clothes as he made his way around the bed to get to the bathroom.  Gil laughed.

They ate breakfast and reminisced about their hike.  Gil was still feeling sore but said it was manageable and he was adamant that he didn't need to take it easy.  Nick, on the other hand, said he was going to take it easy...maybe a short walk after breakfast.  Look around, take some photos; maybe even do a little sketching.

"Have you brought your sketch book with you?" Gil perked up at the news, he would love to watch Nick and see how he builds up a sketch.

"No, I haven't but I could get one, and pencils, from the shop.  They'd got some."

"That would be very good.  Would you let me watch?"

"Watch me buy a sketch book?"  Nick grinned.

"That too.  Come on, finish your coffee and let's go and have a look in the shop."

"What are you rushing for?  Chill, man,"

"Okay."  He sat back in his seat but was trying not to fidget and not succeeding.  He even succumbed to tapping out a rhythm-less tune with his fingers on the table cloth.  He suddenly became aware that Nick was laughing at him.  "What?  I'm chilling, man."  But that only served to make Nick laugh harder and Gil had no alternative but to laugh along with him.  He held his hands up in surrender.

"This is a new experience for me.  Impatient Gil Grissom.  I always thought you had infinite patience. Fidgeting doesn't suit you."

"I'm patient with work.  I have to be...but that doesn't mean I like it.  I have learned to be patient.  Everything comes to he who waits."

"Is that Shakespeare?"

"I don't know...could be Mom used to say it and sign it to me."

"So you were an impatient boy.  See, I just learned something else about you."

"I don't remember being any more impatient than any little boy."

"Did you ever get the strap?"

"That was a non sequitor moment.  No.  Did you?"

"Once.  I was twelve, thirteen.  Man, I can still feel it now.  I wanted to learn to drive but I was too young and no one would let me get behind the wheel even on the ranch driveway.  But I took my sister Mary's car for a spin up the driveway, without asking of course, and crashed it in the ditch...it was an old thing anyway but the bottom ball joint failed and it was scrap.  Dad gave me six lashes.  I deserved it."

"I don't think a child deserves corporal punishment.  You did wrong but you could have been made to do chores or forfeit your allowance."

"I did that too.  I had to pay Mary two hundred bucks out of my savings and then clean the yard for...six months.  Yeah, it was six months.  I never did it again and I did know I'd done wrong.  So...you know, I think it was fair."

Gil's face clearly indicated that he thought it was distasteful. 

"Momma and Dad ran a tight ship.  I wasn't singled out.  My sister, Helen, slept with her boyfriend, under age that is, and she was grounded for a year.  It was either accept or leave.  She stayed; she wasn't stupid."

"You've got a brother and four sisters haven't you?"

"Five.  Dan's the oldest and I'm the youngest and in descending order there's Mary, Louise, Helen and the twins, Jennifer and Alison."

"And what do they all do?" 

"Dan and Mary are lawyers.  Helen's a nurse.  Louise is a chiropractor.  Jennifer's a photographer and Alison teaches kindergarten."

"You've all done very well."

"Well Momma said we should do whatever we wanted to do but do it well and make her proud.  That was the only proviso."

"I was a happy only child; I cannot imagine how it would have been with six siblings..."

"...but Dan, Mary and Helen are so much older than me we hardly interacted when I was child.  I was the accident...although you'd have thought they'd have known what they were doing by the time I was conceived."

They both chuckled.  Nick's coffee was finished.  "Come on, we'll have a gentle walk to keep us loose then we'll decide what we're going to do?  Okay?"

"Okay."

They walked for a couple of miles along a path that took them along the rim and came back the same way; Nick stopped to take pictures and pointed out places where he thought he could sit and sketch although it was too cold to sit for too long.

"Have you had any training?  Art classes?"

"No, just school; I liked art class but my favourite lessons were always the science subjects."

"Me too."

"Do you ever do any drawing?"

"Only in school and for work.  Diagrams for science were about as far as I got."

"You know so much...poetry, Shakespeare.  Did you take every class going?"

"Most of everything else I have acquired from reading after I left college.  I have led, mostly, a solitary existence."

"And I have since I arrived in Vegas...it was so calm and quiet after living at home and being in the Frat.  I loved it."

"You don't love it so much now?"

"I do now you've moved in...no, after a few years I wanted to meet someone, settle down...but it never happened.  I couldn't go back to living with a big family, not now, nor do I want to go back to living on my own."

"It's only been a few weeks."

"I know.  But..."

"...and I have to go back to Paris."

"But you're going to come back aren't you...to me."  It wasn't question it was statement and Nick spoke confidently.

"Try and keep me away."

"No way.  Gil, can we go back to the cabin..."

***

Nick's sudden almost plaintive plea took Gil by surprise.  "Okay."

They walked quickly back to their cabin, their pace determined by Nick's fast, long, strides.

"Is there a fire?"  Gil enquired as they reached their porch.

"You could say that."  Nick opened the door and was through it in a flash, followed by a bemused Gil.  "I‘ve been thinking.  I want to try."

Gil was at a loss.  "Try?"

"You know...you offered.  Penetration."  Nick was mentally kicking himself for behaving like a hormonal teenager and being embarrassed.

"Oh Nick.  That's good.  You thought about it then?"

"It's been at the back...and front of my mind ever since you mentioned it; no one ever offered before.  I could try anyway, couldn't I?"

"Yes, you could.  I'm going to take a dump and a shower; be clean for you."

"Yeah, okay.  I'll follow you.  Hey, Gil?"  Gil looked over from where he'd started to take off all his many clothes. "I'm nervous, okay?"

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll tell you how...what...to do and if you want to stop just say.  Nothing is set in stone, you know that, and if it works and you're okay, then that's fine, if you're not...I'm easy about it, completely easy."

"Shit, Gil.  Lube; we'll definitely need lube and I haven't got any."

"Ah, good point.  I might have some in my wash bag.  Let me check."  A half undressed Gil made his way to the bathroom and checked his bag and came out a moment later shaking a small tube have.  "There's enough in here.  And I some condoms.  Lucky?"

"Yeah.  I'd forgotten about condoms.  Go on, take your shower while I think about it...I am nervous but excited as well."

"Good."  Gil went over to Nick and hugged him to him and kissed his neck.  It was cold beneath his lips.  Nick hugged back and then pulled back and grinned at his lover.  He felt good.

"Hurry.  Before I lose my nerve."

"You won't.  I promise."  Gil smiled and then let go and finished undressing, his cock very nearly hard at the prospect of some action.  As Gil closed the bathroom door he remembered that it was only a couple of weeks ago that he'd been able to end a few months of impotence.  He chuckled at his good fortune.

He opened the door of the bathroom some time later and had a towel around his middle and a tooth brush stuck in his mouth.  He nodded that Nick could get in the shower.

Nick had been lying on the bed still in a tee and his boxer briefs, his cock clearly hard.  He got up and pulled the tee over his head and then slipped his briefs off and as he passed Gil, he pulled the towel off and slapped Gil's ass.  Gil had made a fruitless grab for the towel and had to pick it up.  He got to the sink and rinsed his teeth; Nick started the shower

Nick spoke over the water.  "You know, man, I'd've never thought about this if you hadn't mentioned it."

Gil smiled at Nick. "That's good then."  He then sauntered back into the bedroom and lay down beneath the bedclothes, although it was far from cold in the cabin.

He thought about Nick and his nervousness and closed his eyes as he tried to remember the first time he'd been penetrated.  It was thirty odd years ago.  Where had all the time gone?  The guy had been a fellow student...Craig.  And they'd shared the honours.  He wondered what had happened to him.  They'd been horny and close for months and then he left...Gil screwed up his eyes to remember why he'd left.  Some family problem.   His Dad's business, that was it; he'd left college because his father had demanded that he return home to help out in the family business,  Of course, they'd promised to keep in touch but they both knew they wouldn't and they didn't.  Even so, it would be interesting to see how his life had been lived.

"I hope you're not asleep."  Nick was standing in the doorway towelling himself dry.

"No.  I was actually remembering my first time.  The boy."

"Boy?"  Nick seemed shocked.

"Boy, only in relative terms; we were about twenty...twenty-one.  In college."

"Right. What happened?"

"Nothing really.  He had to go back home.  Looking back we were together for getting on for a year, I guess, and that makes it one of the longest relationships I've ever had."

"You're lucky.  I had a secret boyfriend for about three months when I still at school...and that was my longest.  He decided he was straight."

"Whatever anyone says, it's a lot easier to be gay nowadays than when we were younger."

"You're right.  And even now we've both kept it under lock and key."

"Yes.  But you know what, Nick?  Not for much longer.  I mean that.  No more secrets."

"The Stratosphere?"

"The Stratosphere.  Quit talking and get into bed."

"Yessir."  Nick was being bold; but then added, far more cautiously. "You sure you're okay with this?"

"I'm sure.  Come on."

"Teeth.  Got to clean my teeth."  He walked back into the bathroom and called.  "I'm stalling, I know, but I'll be okay."

Gil chuckled.  "It's okay, sweetheart, perfectly okay."

A minute or two later Nick came out and his erection was very subdued, but Gil was not in the slightest bit worried.  Nick would be fine.  He even bet himself that Nick would be great and love it.  Maybe this was the start of his rehabilitation and maybe he should call Heather later.  See what she had to say about it all.

"Are you sure you're not asleep?"

"Just resting my eyes."

Nick climbed into bed.  And attached himself to Gil.  "Can I ask a few questions...first?"

"Of course.  You know I love to lecture about anything. "

"Ooh, yeah, I remember."

"Go on then."  Gil ignored the sarcasm.

"Right."  Nick thought for a few moments.  "Will it hurt you...I've read about it so I know the mechanics but I know that despite the pleasure it still can hurt at first?  I think I find it strange that pain could equate to pleasure...it seems, I don't know, sadistic."

"It isn't sadistic at all.  It really hurt the first few times I did it but it gradually got better as I became used to it.  The two rules are lubrication and lots of it and taking it easy.  Simple enough.  It won't hurt me at all and it is very enjoyable...no, it's better than that if the angle is right, it's incredibly pleasurable.  Stimulating the prostrate is the key."

"Yeah, I get that.  What about positioning?"

"I'm okay with any position.  Have you thought...do you know how you'd like to do it?"

"Not really.  I suppose to start off the easiest would be best...but I would like to see you...I don't want to...I don't want to be doing it behind your back...do you understand."

"Yes, I do.  I would like you, my lover, to be on top of me simply because I will be able to see you and watch your pleasure."

"Is it like...errr...you know, a woman?"

"The principle's the same but the sensation it entirely different...in my opinion...as a gay man."  He chuckled a little.  "It's tighter and hotter and just...better.  But then I am biased."

"I guess you are."

They lay together warm and comfortable and then Nick leaned over Gil and kissed him, gently at first and then with more power until they were both almost writhing around in the bed attached at their mouths and tongues...

***

Nick was very attentive to Gil; stroking with his fingertips, his hands and his tongue.  Not an inch of Gil's face, neck and chest was missed by him and Gil was pretty much pinned down by Nick so all he could do was kiss back and lick and nip at Nick's skin where he could and stroke his back...but he was careful not to let his hands stray below Nick's waist.

To some extent Gil, although physically relaxed by Nick's lovemaking, was keeping alert to Nick's behaviour; the very last thing he wanted was for Nick to suffer some shock as he had done the night before the hike.  It had frightened and shocked Gil and then worried him.  He couldn't even begin to imagine how Nick had functioned as a boy carrying around such a heavy burden on his little shoulders.

"Hey."

Gil realised that Nick was speaking to him.  "Sorry, sweetheart, I got carried away, what did you say?"

"Stop thinking about it.  Do you want me to...I mean do you want to carry on?"

"Of course I do."  He smiled up at Nick and pulled his arms free he put a hand on Nick's face.  "I want you more than anything, anyone else."

"That's okay then."   So Nick leaned down and kissed him again and reached down and squeezed Gil's cock.  It was only semi-hard but a few pumps later he was hard and Nick smiled at Gil.

Nick concentrated on Gil's cock and balls; pulling and tugging and gently twisting his erection and then rolling each ball in his hand as if weighing them against each other.  Then he slipped his fingers behind Gil's balls and rubbed as his perineum.  He had done this before but this time he went further and rubbed his forefinger against Gil's hole.  Gil sighed contentedly and his legs spread a little wider, almost unconsciously making it easier for Nick's hand to reach.

But Nick pulled away and Gil opened his eyes to look at him but then smiled when he saw Nick reach for the lube.

"First rule: lots of lubrication."  Nick muttered, repeating Gil's words as if for guidance and support.  And he certainly squirted a very generous amount into the palm of his hand.  "Oh, too much, I think."  He muttered at the lube in his hand as he discarded the bottle to the side of him.

"You can't have too much."  Gil re-affirmed quite seriously and then smiled at Nick.

So Nick took his hand, cautiously pushing back the bedclothes with his elbow and then plastered the whole area around Gil's backside with lube.

He chuckled.  "Man, there's definitely too much."

"It doesn't matter; just use it to push in, Nicky."

Nick looked at Gil again his dark eyes flashing.  He nodded.  And then without looking directly at Gil, Nick started running his finger around the lube and then Gil felt him gently pushing a finger in and he tried to relax as much as he could.  The finger breached Gil and he heard Nick sigh a little, as if he was happy to get that bit over.  Nick moved the finger around and dipped in and out to gain a little more lubrication each time and then he pushed a little deeper and then another little push deeper and he was moving his finger around lubricating his way inside Gil. 

Suddenly Gil jumped and gasped and Nick's finger left its secure hole a millisecond later.

"Sorry.  Sorry..."

"...please.  Don't be...do it again.  That was my prostate you just hit.  Look...I came a little."

Nick followed Gil's hand to his cock and there was a little pool of semen on the top which Gil used to lubricate the head of his cock.

"Go back in, do it again."

"Yeah, yeah, okay."  Nick was suddenly feeling pleased with himself.  He reckoned he might just have got the hang of this anal sex.

He started his little process again and this time sought out and found the prostate and after adding another finger, he rubbed it, quite deliberately with Gil squirming beneath him.  Nick felt inordinately pleased with himself as each rub gained him a gasp and jolt from Gil.  After several minutes Gil could take it no longer and gasped out to Nick.

"You've got to stop that and enter me...I need to come Nick, now."

"Oh, okay.  Hold on."  Nick was had been so carried away pleasuring Gil that his own erection had subsided.  He pulled his fingers out and grasped his dick and looking down at Gil's sweating face and his almost boneless appearance he was quickly hard in his own hand.  He leaned over Gil to retrieve a condom and then planted a kiss on his lips, Gil's mouth opening beneath Nick's own lips and giving access to Nick's tongue that swirled around and explored  for a few long moments.

Then Nick moved away and smiled down at Gil.  "Here we go.  Hope it's okay."

Gil smiled back.  "It'll be a lot more than okay."

"I'm going to take it steady...tell me if I do anything wrong."

"There's nothing to go wrong.  You'll be great...just do it.  Please?"  Gil was feeling desperate; Nick had primed him and was now stalling.   

"Okay."  Nick ripped open the condom packet with his teeth and then rolled the condom onto his own hard cock; then squirted just a little more lube into his hand and rubbed it along the condom.  He knelt between Gil's knees and Gil opened his legs wide and slipped a hand under each of his thighs and held his legs as wide open as he could.  Through gritted teeth he issued another instruction to Nick.

"You could put a pillow under my ass."

"Good idea."  Nick pulled a pillow over and then Gil hiked his ass up as high as he could, with some difficulty, while Nick shoved the pillow unceremoniously under his ass.  They were both sweating heavily now.  Gil's chest was shining with a layer of his own sweat plus Nick's sweat drops dripping onto it.

Nick took several deep breaths and then positioned his cock at the entrance.  Even in his haze and desperation for completion Gil knew this was a momentous moment.

"Love you, Nicky.  This is great."

"Yeah."  Nick sounded almost in awe of what he was about to do.

Gil tried relaxing as much as he knew how and Nick pushed his cock through the muscle and established a hold.  He was breathing in gasps and looking alternatively at Gil's face and his own cock as it breached Gil.

All he could see on Gil's face was pleasure and all he could feel in his cock was tight heat.  He was sure his cock had never been as hot; it was on fire with pleasure and the tightness was too tight and too great for him to do anything but push on.  In seconds he knew he was too desperate himself to hang around and settle down to any serious pumping.  Gil's legs wrapped themselves around his back, increasing the heat in his body and his body contact with Gil...it was too much...

"God.  Gil.  Not going to last."

"Push it in, baby...push it in...ahhh...ahhh"  Nick had immediately obeyed the instruction and caught the prostate once more and then he was going to have to pump back and forth because he was coming and he couldn't not do it.

With the sheer luck of the beginner Nick caught Gil's prostate over and over as he pumped and as he was nearing his own orgasm Gil came...he didn't have to touch himself Nick's body lying over him had been rubbing the head and the massage of his prostate had done the rest.  Gil's mouth was open in a silent scream.

Nick tried to keep his eyes open as he watched Gil's pleasure but it was impossible and he screwed his eyes up as he pumped his load into the condom.  Gil let his legs drop down from Nick's back as he couldn't muster the energy to keep them there and Nick fell forward and the different angle of his cock in Gil made it plop out with an obscene slurping sound.  Nick giggled and then flopped down beside Gil.  Both men panting and gasping for breath.

But Nick couldn't wait.  "You called me babe."

"No, not me."  Nick looked over and frowned but saw Gil smirking.

"Liar, liar, pants of fire."

"Not my pants, my ass."

Nick jerked around and looked at Gil.  "You hurt?"

"Oh no, Nicky.  Not hurt.  I promise you I'm not hurt."  In truth Gil did feel sore...it had been several years since he'd last been breached but he wasn't about to tell Nick that little snippet of information.  "Go get rid of the condom.  And could you bring me a glass of water?  Please?"

"Okay."  Nick kissed Gil on the nose and then rolled off the bed.  Gil heard the toilet flush and Nick wash his hands and then Nick was back with a glass of water and a box of tissues.   "Do you need these?"

"No.  I don't think so.  I need to rest awhile and then I'll shower again.  You did good, Nicky, real good."

"I did, didn't I?  And you liked it?"

"Loved it.  You were great."

"I'm glad my first time was with you.  It's our...it's our..."  Nick was lost for words.  "The blood's taking it's time getting back to base."

"It's ours alone, Nick.  It's special; very special."

"Yeah.  That's it.  You going to phone Lady Heather for me?  I want to get this sorted, Gil...once and for all."

"Okay.  But can I rest up first?"  He smiled at Nick's enthusiasm."

"I guess.  Wow.  I did it."

Gil chuckled and reached for Nick's hand.  "Shhh.  Let's rest."

"Okay."  Nick turned onto his side facing Gil and slipped his arm over his midriff and promptly fell asleep.  Gil chuckled some more and then he too, slept.

Nick jolted awake about an hour later and disturbed Gil with his sudden movement.

"You okay?"  Gil looked concerned.

"Yeah...I was dreaming about Dan.  First time I can remember ever dreaming about him...but it's gone...I don't know what I was dreaming, but I can tell you something."

"What's that...wait a minute let me guess?  You're hungry."  It wasn't a question.

Nick grinned.  "How did you guess that?"

"I have no idea, just lucky I guess."

"You want to shower first?"

"I will, if you don't mind."

You go ahead...I'll tidy up this mess."  He did a grand gesture with his arm indicating the room, which was in some disarray.

"Good idea."  Gil tried his best to get out of bed without flinching at his sore ass and Nick didn't speak so he assumed he was successful.

Nick noticed Gil's gentle movements as he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom but he didn't say anything because Gil didn't want him to know but he wasn't a fool, he knew that it could make you sore.  He'd read the book, he just hadn't been there, done that or got the tee-shirt just yet...but he hoped to do so, one day soon.

He tidied the room and straightened the bedclothes and folded their clothes and when Gil came out of the bathroom he went in and showered.

He was fast and Gil was only just dressed when he came out.

"I was just about to phone Heather; I wanted you to hear the call."

"Great.  Thanks."

Gil retrieved his cell from his pocket and scrolled down for Heather's number and pressed call when he found it.  He wanted a few seconds and then spoke.

"I'm very well thank you; in fact I've never been better.  How are you, Heather?"

They exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and then Gil launched into his explanation for the call.

"...so you see Nick would like to talk to a therapist and singled you out as being both a therapist and a woman of...the world."  He chuckled and listened to Heather and then replied.  "We will be back in Vegas and that would be excellent...even more relaxing for Nick.  Thank you, Heather, I, we, really appreciate it.  See you then." 

Nick had got dressed as he listened to the one sided call and then sat on the side of the bed very patiently as the call progressed. "Well?"

"We are invited to her home, not her office, for tea on Sunday...you're on graveyard aren't you?  So we can discuss it in complete privacy and comfort."

"Does she know about Sara?"

"Yes.  I phoned her from Paris a couple of times when I was feeling...pretty bad...she was a great help, as always."

"I feel good about this, Gil...it going to work."

"A positive outlook, Nick, is I'm sure half the battle.  Come on let's go eat."

Just then Nick's cell rang out, the Colonel Bogie march and Gil remembered then where he'd got the tune from.

"That's Dad."  He picked up the call.  "Hi Dad...oh, Momma.   No.  I'm spending a couple of days' vacation time at the canyon...hiking."  He listened for a moment or two and then Gil noticed his shocked look. "You're joking me..."

***

Gil looked across at Nick as he listened intently to his mother.

"No, Mom...I'm not saying it is a joke it's just weird, is all.  I've just had a dream about him and I never dream about him and now this call...weird."  He listened again and then grinned.

"That's the DA in you coming out.  Yeah, I'm here with a new guy...he's different from all the others."  He turned and looked at Gil.  "Look, Mom, do you want me to come back to Texas...are you sure?  Well, keep me in the loop.  Okay?  Love you Mom.  Bye.  Yeah...maybe you will this time."

Gil was on him the moment he pressed ‘end call'.  "What's going on?  Something with Dan?"

"Yeah.  Heart attack.  Mom says he's got to have by-pass surgery when he's recovered some, but he should be okay...he's been drinking heavily for years and it's caught up with him.  Needs a change of lifestyle."

"And she guessed you were here with someone?"

"Yeah...when I said I'd just had a dream she said I was obviously in bed with someone.  You can't get anything past Mom...like I said she's a DA through and through."

"She's okay about you..."

"...yeah, Mom's always been good about it; I'm her baby!"  He laughed.

"I think you're my baby now."

Nick smiled at his new lover and stood and hugged him.  Then he pulled back and looked worried.

"You know I'm not into any...you know...funny business.  Infantilism, you know?"

It was Gil's turn to laugh.  "Nick.  I'm not into any particular fetish...but they are important to the people that practise them, you should know that."

"I know all about that.  Man; fetish or not I ain't wearing a diaper for anyone."

"I think I tend to agree on that."  Gil chuckled and re-hugged Nick who sighed and dropped his head onto Gil's shoulder and almost at the same time his stomach rumbled.  "Food, I think."

"Yeah.  You know what I fancy?"

"A five course banquet?"

"Pancakes.  They're a luxury...cinnamon are my favourites."

"Let's go and find out if they do them.  I like lemon and sugar.  Had those when I was a boy and they're still my favourite."

"Mom also asked if she was going to meet you."

"And you said, 'yes, maybe this time'.  Has she ever met a boyfriend of yours?"

"No.  Never."

Gil smiled as they put on their anoraks and braced themselves for the outdoors.  Sunny, windy and still bitterly cold.

Nick ate two helpings of cinnamon pancakes and Gil ate just one of his favourite.  They drank hot chocolate after eating and sat talking and learning about each other.  Nick told Gil about his trip to New York and finally finding out that his Dad was really okay about him being gay.  It had been a good trip to discover some family secrets...not least that Dan wasn't the favourite brother of even his eldest sisters.  Nick had been surprised and heartened that it wasn't just him that thought that Dan was a sanctimonious ass.  Gil laughed at the description but Nick assured him it was an accurate and agreed upon description. 

"Maybe his heart attack will be a wake-up call for him and he'll see the error of his ways." Nick was feeling optimistic for Dan

"I think he will see the error of his ways while he's sick...but once he gets better he'll revert to his normal...that's what happens."  Gil was realistic about the chances of Dan changing.

"I think you're right; I can't see Dan changing.  Families are funny aren't they?  I'm sure Mom and Dad love Dan and me equally...and yet we're so different from one another...and the girls."

"Just part of life's rich tapestry."  Gil was being philosophical and Nick grinned.

"What are we going to do?"

"Nothing.  Just laze around...see if there's a film on TV?"

"That's a good idea.  But as tomorrow's our last full day how about doing a bit of the trail again...only maybe a quarter but it'll give us some exercise and we appreciate the views more knowing that we're not on a mission?"

"That, Nicky, my boy, is an excellent idea."

"Glad you like it.  I'm looking forward to seeing Heather, getting some counselling.  You know...I think I've turned a corner anyway acknowledging it and speaking about it, openly, for the first time in my life...and then you know...with you."  Nick lowered his voice and flushed slightly.  Gil smiled at him and put his hand over Nick's and squeezed.

"I know you have.  I think the extent of any counselling Heather recommends will not be as soul searching as it could have been if you were still in denial.  You have lived with this all your adult life and subconsciously, I believe anyway, you have known that it wasn't your fault and that you shouldn't feel guilty.  But then knowing it and believing it are two separate issues."

"I understand.  As a boy I was frightened for a few years and then it kind of wore off and I realised that she wasn't coming back...and that I didn't do anything wrong.  As an adult I believe that...I really do...but I have do have one major concern about what Heather may say, recommend, whatever..."

Gil was desperate to ask Nick what his concern was but knew not to push it and that Nick was a heartbeat away from telling him anyway.

"...if she says I need to tell Mom and Dad...you know to get closure and all that...I don't think I can do that.  Mom would...I don't know but I think she would be hurt beyond words."  Nick looked sad.

Gil nodded.  "I don't know what Heather will say but you should tell her of your concerns.  I see what you mean though...after so many years it would be devastating for them both.  To know that they failed to protect you and that you were unable to tell them.  Those are the two issues." 

Gil knew he was treading on thin ice by talking about the exact problem that Judge and Mrs Stokes would face.  He thought that their background would make their sense of horror even worse.  And yet he knew that it was likely that Nick would very probably be advised by Heather, by any therapist, that he needs to tell them to share his burden with the very people who should have protected him all those years ago.   But now Nick was trying to protect them.  He was a good man.  A worthy son.  A lover.  Gil's heart swelled with pride as he thought of Nick and how far he'd come in just two days.

Heather would sort him out.  She would.  And he would hold onto that thought and be positive.  He smiled at Nick.

"Welcome back...you've been thinking hard.  About telling them...they need to be told for my closure, that's what you think isn't it?"

Gil couldn't lie.  He nodded.  Nick shrugged and let the matter lie as he looked out of the window, lost in his thoughts.

"Whatever happens...you must remember that they love you, very much, and so do I."

Nick smiled.  "I know.  I feel loved...and I'm happy.  Despite everything I feel really happy for the first time in a very long time."

***

Next part of Lost and Found