Title: Hole in My Heart
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Ryan Wolfe
Series: 1) Catch Me I'm Falling, 2) Sparks, 3) Holding Steady, 4) More Than Ready, 5) Talk About It, 6) Confessions, 7) Fate's Plan, 8) Exposed, 9) A Matter of Feeling, 10) Loving Every Minute of It, 11) Street of Dreams, 12) One of Our Own, 13) Cold Storage, 14) Life Or Death
Fandom: CSI: Vegas/CSI: Miami
Rating: R
Author's Note: Mentions of rape.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Greg Sanders or Adam Ross, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Greg looked down at the man lying in the hospital bed, wanting to reach out and stroke Ryan's face, but not daring to do so in case there was anyone watching. He didn't want anyone to see him and take the gesture to mean more than they thought it should.

It did mean more, of course, but they couldn't let anyone know that. They couldn't be honest about their feelings for each other, not even with their best friends. How many times already had he wanted to break down and tell Nick how he felt about Ryan?

When the two of them had lifted Ryan out of that freezer and Greg had wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, there had been a look in Nick's eyes for a moment that had made him wonder if the other man knew exactly what his feelings were.

If Nick guessed, Greg was sure that he wouldn't tell. He wasn't the kind of man who would reveal his friends' secrets -- and this was one he'd have to keep if Greg and Ryan both wanted to keep their jobs and be able to work together.

Greg pushed that thought to the back of his mind, focusing on the present. Ryan was in stable condition; the team had been worried that he'd had frostbite so badly that some amputation might have been required, but fortunately, he'd managed to escape that.

The horror of finding his boyfriend naked in a freezer swept over Greg again; he couldn't suppress a shudder at the memory of what he'd seen when they had heaved that lid up. He had been so sure that Ryan was dead; he'd been nearly blue, his body encased in a thin sheet of ice.

The wave of relief that had swept over him when he'd felt Ryan's pulse and realized that his lover was alive had almost brought him to tears; he'd kept them back with an effort, pulling Ryan into his arms in an attempt to warm his chilled body, and wrapping a coat around him.

He'd rocked back and forth with Ryan clasped in his arms, not realizing that he was crooning under his breath until Sara had asked him what he was saying. He'd simply shaken his head, mumbled something inarticulate, and made sure that he stayed quiet.

He had removed the gag from Ryan's mouth with trembling hands, wanting nothing more than to press kisses all over the other man's face, but knowing that he had to maintain a rigid control over his emotions. But that proved to be harder than he'd thought it would be.

He had been horrified to realize that those sadists had shoved a steel plug inside Ryan before they'd tried to entomb him in that freezer; it had been the one moment that he'd almost lost control, screaming at Nick to do something, to help Ryan in any way he could.

"Get that thing out of him! Get it out!" Greg flinched as he remembered the sound of his own voice, unnaturally high-pitched, almost a shriek. The others had stared at him for a few moments before Nick had told him, a little sharply, to calm down.

Nick had told him that it wouldn't be safe to remove the plug until Ryan's body temperature had warmed up somewhat; Greg nodded, agreeing with him, ashamed of his momentary loss of control. He'd simply held Ryan more tightly, praying that he would come to.

When Ryan's eyelashes had finally fluttered a bit and he'd moaned softly, Greg's fragile hold on his control had snapped. He'd pressed gentle kisses against Ryan's cheek, then his mouth, not caring who saw him or what anyone would think.

He wanted Ryan to wake up in his arms, to know that he was with the person who loved him. He wanted his boyfriend to feel safe, to know that whatever pain he'd suffered was behind him now. Most of all, he wanted Ryan to know that he was here, that they were together.

When Ryan had opened his eyes, Greg had been unable to hold his own tears back any longer. They streaked down his face, dripping onto Ryan's bare skin, making tracks through the ice crystals on his skin. He hadn't been able to stop crying long enough to catch his breath.

"Hey," Ryan had whispered, his voice hoarse with disuse. "Wh-why are you crying?" He'd raised a shaky hand to stroke Greg's cheek, push his damp hair back from his forehead. "It's okay, Greg," he'd managed to murmur. "I-I'm fine. J-just a little c-c-cold."

Those words had only made him cry harder, clutching Ryan against him as though the other man was a lifeline. Nick had almost had to pry Ryan out of his arms -- and even then, Greg had refused to let him go to the hospital with Ryan; he'd insisted on being the one to go.

He'd stayed with Ryan the entire time, not wanting to let his lover out of his sight. He was past caring what anyone might think of that; he would deal with the questions later. Right now, the most important thing was being here with Ryan when he awakened.

Greg fixed his gaze on Ryan's face, reaching out a hand to trace the other man's features lovingly. He'd never seen anyone so beautiful; he wanted to sit here and let his eyes drink Ryan's features in for the rest of his life. He never wanted to stop looking at this man.

Ryan stirred slightly, his dark lashes fluttering; Greg moved his chair closer to the bed, reaching for his boyfriend's hand and twining their fingers together, heedless of whether anyone else might be able to see them. He didn't care who saw; he didn't want to hide.

"Hey, baby," he whispered, wishing that his voice didn't sound so hoarse -- or so near to the edge of tears again. "How are you feeling?" It was a stupid question to ask, but it was the first thing that came out of his mouth, even though he could guess how Ryan felt.

"Like I was kidnapped and shut in a freezer for hours," Ryan said with a wry laugh. He raised his head from the pillow, frowning and reaching out to stroke Greg's face. "Don't cry, baby," he whispered, catching a few diamond-bright teardrops on his fingertips. "Greg, don't. I'm okay. Really."

"I can't help it," Greg choked out, a sob catching in his throat. "When we opened that thing and you were there, I .... I thought you were d-dead. I-I thought I'd l-lost you f-forever." He looked down, clamping a hand over his own mouth to hold back the sob that rose to his lips.

"If I could hold you right now, I'd prove to you that I'm not dead," Ryan murmured, still stroking gentle fingers down Greg's cheek. "Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. And I wouldn't have left you before I got the chance to say something to you, anyway."

"Yeah? What is it you need to say?" Greg made an effort to stop his sobs; he raised a hand to wipe away his tears, trying to calm himself down and focus on what Ryan was saying. Ryan was here, he was safe, and he was alive. That was what mattered.

Ryan's deep green eyes were locked with his own; he couldn't have looked away if he'd been ordered to. He was drowning in those eyes, just as he had been the first day they met. He wanted to melt into Ryan's gaze, to become part of him, to meld with him in every way.

"I love you," Ryan whispered, his fingers threading through Greg's hair. "I love you more than I thought it could be possible to love anybody. I know we haven't been together very long, Greg, but .... but I want to be with you for the rest of my life. And beyond."

Greg nodded, fresh tears starting to flow down his cheeks, the sobs rising in his throat again. With an effort, he pushed them back; he needed to make his own declaration to Ryan, to let this man know exactly how he felt in no uncertain terms.

"I love you more than life," he whispered, the words meant for no one but Ryan to hear. "I love you with all my heart and soul. You are my heart and soul, Ryan. I've been waiting for you all my life. I'd rather die than lose you. I want to be with you forever."

"You will be, sweetheart," Ryan told him, his voice hoarse with emotion. "There was no way I was going to die without telling you how much I love you. I knew you'd find me, Greg. I knew your heart would lead you to me. I was scared of dying, but I knew you wouldn't let it happen."

"I knew you were still alive," Greg told him, his voice breaking. "I'd have felt it if you were dead. There would have been this huge hole in my heart that nothing could have ever fixed. I couldn't lose you, Ryan. I couldn't. And I was so scared that maybe I had."

"Never." Ryan gave him a tired smile, his eyes closing again. "Stay with me, Greg," he whispered, already starting to drift off again. "I want to wake up with you beside me." His hand dropped back to the covers; Greg bent over to brush one more gentle kiss across his cheek.

"Go back to sleep, baby," he whispered, settling back into his chair. "I'll be here when you wake up. I promise." He clasped Ryan's hand again, wanting to keep some contact with his lover, closing his eyes and leaning his head back with a sigh.

No one knew about them. He was sure of that. Or did they? Nick was almost psychic when it came to the relationships on the team; he might have seen just how much Ryan meant to him. Catherine probably had, too. He only hoped they would both choose to look the other way.

Of course, they might just think that their youngest CSI had bonded with their newest one in a way they hadn't expected. There was no harm in that; partners were expected to have a special bond. They would just have to be careful that no one suspected it was more than that.

Whatever happened in the future, whether their relationship was discovered or not, at least he had Ryan in his life now, and that was the important thing. Greg drifted off to sleep with that thought in his mind, his fingers still entwined with Ryan's as though he would never let go.

***

Next story in series - Someone To Pull the Trigger.